<p>I have been thinking about this lately because I have a child who will be heading off to BS. My issue is that it seems to be accepted that the kids will engage in the bump and grind at school dances. There was the article in the Phillipian that has been referenced many times about the kids on scholarship. The inner city kids were taken aback because it seemed so easy to get action. One was quoted as" Back home we have to woo the girls more" something to that effect. I am also taken aback by the many post on CC about where to hook up. The posts indicate that the baseball diamond etc are places to hook up. It seems that many BS students use sex as a pressure valve release. They are not developing meaningful relationships with their peers. It appears to be very much in the vein of friends with benefits. I am not sure that you might even call it friends because the kids seem to get around so much.</p>
<p>So I am wondering where are the faculty? Why don't they try to stop all the bumping and grinding at school dances? Do you tell your child to avoid dances for fear that they will be treated to a live sex show? I have friends who had children who attended an academically rigorous Catholic high school. The teachers would tell students to leave room for the Holy Ghost and the Hold Ghost is infinite. I am not naive. I know that there will always be student who will try to push the system. I am just disturbed by the way many faculty look the other way. Wondering how others have approached this subject especially with their young fourteen year olds off to freshman year at BS. I am not talking about the "birds and bees" talks that I am sure we have had as parents with our children. I meant more how to deal with the temptation they will confront in terms of the sex etc. </p>
<p>I think this varies a lot by school. At my kids’ school (Concord) the faculty are present and observant at dances, and intimate relationships tend to be long-term or longish-term. I’m not sure if this is unusual or if things just get hyped up in the media. At a small school (it has 370 students), it seems that it would be hard not to develop long-term, meaningful relationships with peers.</p>
<p>I am not sure that what the faculty says actually happens. I know from others that at a similar BS with about 75 students per class a student would not attend dances because this occurred all the time. There was stricter supervision in the dorm rooms. Students would get expelled if they were caught going on “missions”. This was the euphemism used at this school. Of course, it was well known that many students would go to the woods but at least there were consequences. I heard a horror story where a parent withdrew their child from a BS because the hookups were happening in the kids dorm room. Perhaps, many dealt with this in college but we were older and could deal with it better. It is just that many of these kids are only fourteen. At one BS it seemed that this was the purpose of parietals. I guess it just bothered me because I don’t think it is hyped in the media. It is there in the school newspaper. I just wonder did any Andover parents comment on that aspect of the article? I read the article and some of the comments and the only thing any one mentioned was that one of the students was from Colombia not Columbia.</p>
<p>You do lose the supervision you might have had over your children when you put them in a BS, unless you pick one that makes special attempts. Now that I’m years out of this scene and the kids I know are not so young adults, the stories are coming out, and yes, there is plenty of opportunity to hook up and do all sorts of things at a BS. You are around your peers more, and there is that gang mentality that comes into play with young people. </p>
<p>I totally agree. It is just that at that young age it is all about the raging hormones. I mean sex is fun and it is meant to be fun just on an evolutionary basis. But we are supposed to be civilized human beings. It just seems that there is little guidance from the parental figures at BS. If you read the Phillipian article you see that you do not even have to wait for the stories they are already out there. The other part of me feels like that the BS should be aiding in the development of the character of their young charges. </p>
<p>Maybe we need to put a stop to the “sex is fun” mentality – it may be a big part of the problem. Sex is too important and special to simply fall under the broad brush of ‘fun’. Playing ‘charades’ is FUN; sledding is FUN; going to a circus is FUN; playing ‘fetch’ with your dog is FUN – need I go on?</p>
<p>Because we are human – and not just animals – sex is an empty, physical sensation if we do not treat it with the deference it deserves, being the most intimate interaction between two people. Intimate? By that I mean using our physical being to connect our spiritual one (yeah, remember that?!). Ideally, that’s what sex should be. It’s been called ‘making love’ for a reason.</p>
<p>Maybe we can try to instill that ‘value’ in our young, because if they see it that way – really see it – my guess is that the hook-up mentality will finally whither. How hard is that for parents to do? Very! How important is it? Even more! It really is the parents’ duty to do this NOT the schools’</p>
<p>I only used the fun adjective because I wanted it to be clear I understand. I agree with most of what you say except the part that it is not “the duty of the schools”. The meaning of in loco parentis imparts some responsibility on the BS. I am not asking for them to instill the values but I would expect a little help. There should not be so much looking the other way on the part of faculty. I guess I just wonder why even the inner city kids who may be exposed to the grimy side of city living are the ones to object. </p>
<p>“Hooking up” can mean many things. If you check Urban Dictionary, you’ll find a wide range of possible meanings, from sex to hanging out together. So if someone says they “hooked up,” you still don’t know what they did. The dances are chaperoned. My children have spoken about long-term couples at their small boarding schools. It’s important to remember that no one story covers everyone. </p>
<p>The children at local day schools have access to houses with no adult at home. That’s not better than a dorm supervised by faculty. Local public schools have cancelled or reduced the number of school dances due to drinking and/or grinding. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. </p>
<p>In my opinion, there is less drinking and fraternizing on campus than at home. Faculty are more likely to start the discipline process than parents are. There have been some parents in neighboring towns who have helped their children hold drinking parties at home, or turned a blind eye to such parties. </p>
<p>Yes, I know hooking up can mean many things. I learned this from my own kid. If you look at CC from many of the posts it implies sexual activity. The Urban Dictionary is also useful for gaining an impression of how a BS is perceived. I found it was not far from the mark when I looked up one school I knew well. </p>
<p>Boarding school is replete with places and opportunities for sexual expression and experimentation. Maybe sex happens less in day school environments with strict parenting at home, but that certainly wasn’t the case when I grew up. Sex today may be less sacrosanct than you’d like, but kids still have to live with each other and still fret about reputation. When you send your kid off to BS, sex will be a part of the landscape and your kid’s response will be influenced by peers and teachers - and most importantly by the lessons he or she took from home. </p>
<p>I hate to say this, but if a kid wants to hookup/have sex/grind they will find a way, even under parent supervision. I know at many schools, boarding and day, teachers don’t really care if 14-18 year olds are grinding on the dance floor at dances. Also, parent’s are not on their kids 24/7, therefore there are opportunities for sex, but then it comes down to the student’s judgement. I, for one, do not plan on losing my virginity until I’m married, therefore I will not accept these temptations, or opportunities, at boarding school, as I would not at home, but I have the same amount of opportunity to do so at either. So to answer your questions @grx567, the opportunities will be available to your child anywhere they are, you just have to hope that you have raised them well enough to resist temptation.</p>
<p>@needtoboard I agree completely with what you are saying. I guess I just wish that schools would do more to create a culture where dances are for dances. Like doing the “Hustle” or the Electric Slide". Why do they let kids just get lazy and imitate an act that is probably innate and requires no skill?</p>
<p>I’m reading this conversation, and the voices of my grandparents, watching Elvis Presley for the first time, are ringing in my ears. I’m thinking we should just let teenagers dance the way they want to. From conversations I’ve had with my kid, it sounds like there’s room for both grinders and non-grinders at dances. It seems pretty ishy to me, but then I’m sure that slow dancing looked that way to my mom who danced to Sinatra at her prom.</p>
<p>As for hooking up–yeah. If parental supervision was sufficient to prevent hooking up, there wouldn’t have been four girls pregnant in my Catholic high school class at graduation. </p>
<p>@needtoboard and @classicalmama are spot on. If your kid wants to have sex at school, they are going to find a way to have sex at school. Just like they would if they were at home with you for high school.</p>
<p>More than a few teenagers have had sex on their parents’ couch while their parents were 20 feet away in another room (thinking they were “supervising”). If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. And your child will need to decide for it to happen, or prevent it from happening, not you.</p>
<p>Instead of wondering how faculty is going to prevent your child from having sex, a better approach would be to prepare your child to make good decisions, and give them the tools that they need to do so. </p>
<p>As for dancing, I think we’ve all learned from the Gospel of Footloose that dancing does not necessarily equal sex. </p>
<p>At basis, the old structure of external controls on minors has fallen away; now young people must have inner controls and at earlier and earlier ages. In the old days, schools had more behavioral tools as they were segregated by sex, rules were stric, faculty control carried moral weight and a central part of the schools’ missions was to instill (Christian) moral education. No longer, mostly, on all counts, save at a handful of schools. Nowadays, opportunities for unapproved behavior are numerous and faculty often avoid rules enforcement or apply it haphazardly. The chief remedy is to prepare your bs kids for what might happen at school, to help them get to a place of personal integrity where they are not relying on faculty policing, are able to resist following the crowd, and are able to make good ethical and moral choices. </p>
<p>(psssst…kids are having sex less now than when we were kids)</p>
<p>“I guess I just wonder why even the inner city kids who may be exposed to the grimy side of city living are the ones to object.”</p>
<p>Uhm…the “grimy side” of life can be found in all neighborhoods – city, suburban, rural – and at all socioeconomic levels. </p>
<p>A lower income (or an inner city zip code) doesn’t not equal a lack of morals (or a lack of character or a lack of manners, etc.). Decent, well-reared, smart teens can be found in many environments. </p>
<p>In the interest of fairness, since @grx567 cites The Phillipian and asks “in loco parentis,” I feel the need to point out that Andover this fall banned grinding at dances, a decision wildly unpopular with students.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.phillipian.net/articles/2013/10/10/administration-enforces-restrictions-grinding-and-attire-dances”>http://www.phillipian.net/articles/2013/10/10/administration-enforces-restrictions-grinding-and-attire-dances</a></p>
<p>As the OP also suggested that students dance in a more appropriate fashion like the Hustle or the Electric Slide, I would posit that parents of that generation were aghast when those dances were popular and that students of that generation rolled their eyes when told “Leave room for the Holy Spirit.”</p>
<p>Whenever one of these threads comes up, I shake my head wondering what was different in the poster’s (or their companions’) behavior ~30 years ago when they were in high school.</p>
<p>Finally, I would suggest that OP not follow Prep Confessions on Twitter.</p>
<p>^That last sentence lol</p>
<p>Now the rest of us are all headed over to check out “Prep Confessions” on Twitter.</p>