Daughter about to crash and burn. Help!

Parents Forum
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<p>You agreed to let her go back, knowing that the money is lost. She agreed to go back, knowing she needed to change. You could offer her the chance to withdraw, and see what she says. Having been in this position, I can tell you that your own mental health will improve greatly if you just keep some daylight between disaster thinking and her behaviors. Her life is long, and full of choices. </p>

<p>Checklists and ultimatums and backseat driving are stuff of high school. Like it or not, once they are college age our children make their own choices, and a great many of those choices are not ones we like. Try to think in terms of asking what is wrong, not why (why are you doing this, why did you waste our money, why wont you go to class). Perhaps there is more going on than you know, and she needs to be able to reach out to you when she’s ready. You need to be ready to listen (and it sounds like you are).</p>

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<p>I think you have to have a very serious discussion with her as to how she does not appear to have changed and does not appear to be living up to her end of the terms under which she was allowed to go back to school. One positive is that it sounds like she is being honest with you, and not hiding the fact that she has not been going to class or doing what she needs to do. </p>

<p>You may also need to explain that if she fails this semester, there is only money for 3 years of living away at college. If she comes home and gets a job, there will be enough for 3.5 years and she may be able to finish with that money. I would be inclined to have her withdraw. I might also call the dean myself to get information on how to deal with this. While it is important for the student to hear from the dean, the money is coming from mom and dad so the financial implications could be discussed by them. </p>

<p>It is easy to give advice, but hard to live with this so hugs to you and your family. One fear is that if the kid quits college, they may never go back. If they come home, what will they do? it is not easy to get a job without a degree. If there are younger kids at home, it can be very disruptive to have a college-aged kid home who is not doing anything while the younger ones have school and homework to deal with. I have a friend going through this. Her son dropped out of college after doing very poorly his first year. He has been going through a succession of jobs and has now found something he likes doing, but it has only been a few months. It is very hard on the parents.</p>

<p>OTOH, I know several kids that got “kicked out” of college due to poor grades that finished up, either at the same school or elsewhere, and are gainfully employed. </p>

<p>My son is managing the waking up problem by taking later in the day classes, which has also helped with migraines. He had difficulty getting up for the 7:30 HS start time and missed many days due to migraines, many of which appeared to have been triggered by sleep issues. Still something of a problem, but much more limited due to classes at noon or later most days.</p>

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<p>As I’m reading everyone’s helpful advice, I’m realizing that I have a grasp of the reality of the situation - she isn’t ready for college - but that I’m not acting in accordance with this idea. Someone who isn’t ready for college shouldn’t be in college, right? I want so much to believe her when she says she can do it, can do what it takes to succeed, that I ignore what’s actually happening.
I’m going to try asking different questions when next we talk. At the moment, she’s avoiding my calls.</p>

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<p>In a situation like this, I think that a life skills coach might be helpful. Your daughter needs someone who can help her “pull herself together,” without your needing to be involved day-to-day. Also, does she have an older sibling that she might listen to?</p>

<p>On the one hand, I hear everyone who says that high school students ought to be getting themselves up in the morning. On the other hand, I can easily understand how a situation can develop with an over-scheduled and over-loaded student who is chronically sleep-deprived, where the parents are still getting the student up. It’s hard to pull back in this situation.</p>

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<p>OP- hugs to you. You are in the early stages of a difficult transition in thinking about your D and her future. You look at the A- and the B’s and think, “here’s a kid who could knock the cover off the ball if she wanted to” and then you listen to her telling you that she sleeps through class, forgot to show up for a final exam (I’m not sure how that works exactly- at most colleges there is an official “Exam period” where everyone is studying and talking about finals) and now seems pretty disinterested in the entire enterprise.</p>

<p>I repeat- you can’t fix this. She is enrolled in an institution which probably has a dozen folks on the payroll who are responsible for dealing with this and related problem. Whether it’s a counselor in health services, the Dean of students, the kind folks in the tutoring center, or the freshman counselor/advisor, you need to explain to her that she will end the semester with a nice “don’t come back” note from the registrar unless she gets herself (and quickly) to a dean who can start getting her sorted out. She does not have a four year option to sleep and party while the clock is ticking- she has about another two weeks to either turn this around or figure out where she wants to be.</p>

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<p>Most all colleges have a mental health facility, where she can talk to a counselor and get her depression treated. Depression and other mental issues are a big problem with young adults. Mental illness chooses this time in life to most commonly rear its ugly head and that it coincides with the time when college bound kids are away from home and dealing with social and independence issue for the first time makes the transition all the more difficult.</p>

<p>I hate sororities and fraternities. For all the good they may do and how wonderful they are for those who get accepted, they cause enormous, enormous pain to those who don’t. I don’t care what students say, in general. about Greek life. If there is a selective process there, some kids are getting hurt, and it’s all so unnecessary. But what can one do? Yes, your DD is hurting from being left out, and though she was not “the type”, she very quickly so became it when the social press" was on.</p>

<p>I don’t know what to tell you. Getting her to on campus help, treatment of the depression is something to do. Beyond that, if it doesn’t work out, she had every opportunity. Try not to be angry or show the disappointment and anger because there may be some serious underlying things going on right now, and the important thing is to get her on track with a Plan B, which may well end up C, D, E. Alphabet soup, anyone? It comes down to keeping them alive and not harming themselves sometimes and making tiny baby steps forward to independence in ways that are not harmful and illegal. It’s very difficult as a parent, and for her, to come down from rubbing ones hands in gleeful anticipation from an easy path to graduation from a great school, a job, a SO that is wonderful, to a rockier one that has not even crossed anyone’s mind. Maybe, get counseling for yourself, because the bottom line is what you do is really the thing that you have most control of. You’ll find that most of what is to happen and to be done is going to be up to yor DD and she isn’t necessarily going to be doing as told. You are best off being able to stay on an even keel and be strong through this storm. Having support from someone trained about these things and familiar with them and not being emotionally involved as you and your husband would be can be very helpful. Hugs to you.</p>

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<p>OP - big hugs; this is a really hard time for you.<br>
First, I am wondering what conditions the U has for probation. Is your daughter required to check in with advisor/student services/counselor? All would seem necessary, of course.
Second, it is not a failure for her to come home although it feels that way.
Speaking from some personal experience, clearly, and not only in my family but in one of a dear friend who is deciding right now whether to bring DD home or not.<br>
I would not jeopardize your money or the potentially great gift from grandparents; your daughter is not ready for whatever reason. Now is the chance to find out so that her next foray is successful. Best to you.</p>

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<p>While college is the time when a mental illness may first appear, I don’t know how quick I’d be to jump on the depression the disease bandwagon in this case. It’s too bad there isn’t a distinction between the feeling and the disease. Feeling depressed because you blew a semester seems like a pretty typical response. And if the d were exhibiting other symptoms, like being angry all the time, withdrawing from social situations, avoiding things she used to enjoy, etc, definitely check it out. Of course, OP hasn’t shared every detail, so this other stuff might be there. </p>

<p>But, lots of freshmen crash and burn without being depressed. It is more likely the student, as mominizer believes, is just not ready to be where she is.</p>

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<p>I checked about the tuition last week. It’s refundable at the discretion of her adviser, who is likely to agree, particularly since it’s so early in the semester.
I just got off the phone with student health services, seeing what they offer and how she would go about getting an appointment. That being said, I’m leaning more toward bringing her home.</p>

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<p>Hugs, OP.</p>

<p>You’ve been given lots of great advice. Definitely SOMETHING needs to happen now, whether it’s an honest talk about her choices (including the possibility of lack of funds for future semesters if she doesn’t get help and pull it together) or a plane ticket home.</p>

<p>I am wondering what role your H may be playing in this drama. He sounds very unrealistic and heavy-handed. What will be his attitude towards your daughter if she comes home? What will be the effect on her?</p>

<p>I know a family who was exactly in this situation. The parents had one session with a therapist, who helped them figure out the most constructive unified message they could give their son. They then insisted their son get treatment while he worked and attended a cc. He was diagnosed with ADD and is currently doing much better. But that session with a therapist was a critical piece in getting both parents working together.</p>

<p>((hugs))</p>

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<p>mominizer…time to come home. Once they start avoiding your phone calls, that is the end. I would be on a plane as soon as possible. She is acting like an immature high schooler, and as such, really has no business being at college. I would stress to her that this is not a punishment as much as a time out. This one semester and a few weeks will not define her life, but is a life lesson.</p>

<p>I am sending you hugs, this is so hard. We all want our children to go off and succeed but life is just not a straight line and we have to learn to take the curves and detours as they come at us!</p>

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<p>calla, H is generally considered the good guy in our house - I’m the tough one. Or at least I lose my temper more easily. I think his wish for her to stay is because she says she wants to stay and he wants her to be happy. I also think he’s very fearful about her leaving college, thinking that this is the only path to a successful life. He also thinks that leaving without a plan for what she’ll do once she gets home is a bad idea. On the other hand, we’ll still have this semester’s tuition (or most of it) in the bank and can make a plan once she gets here.
photo, not being able to talk to her is a serious problem, but I only haven’t been able to reach her as of this morning, so I’m going to give her till this evening to turn her phone on.</p>

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<p>

Not only was she convincing, I bet in her heart it was true. Its easy to make promises about the future because they incur no cost today. Dan Ariely has written about this in books like “Predictably Irrational”, future-me vs present-me and the difficulty in following thru. </p>

<p>Not everyone is ready for college when they turn 18. It could be maturity, it could be other issues. Many kids are ready and do fine, which makes it that much more painful for a parent when their kid is not. But the point isn’t to make decisions right for most kids, its to make decisions that are right for your kid. And by missing deadlines and blowing off class, it seems as if she’s not ready to keep going. Or maybe its a cry for help; she probably realizes H doesn’t want her to leave college and so instead of standing up saying it was a wrong choice for her and she wants to leave she’s found a passive way to make sure that happens anyway.</p>

<p>This is a situation no parent wants to face, and the road ahead is not as clear as the “good grades in HS, get into 4-year college, get a degree” path. But there is a road ahead, many roads in fact, that you will be able to discover one step at a time. Perhaps you and H can meet with a family counselor now to start exploring your next steps after she comes home, and then with her once she’s back. H seems to be paralyzed (theme here?) by the thought that if there isn’t a full plan for the future then there’s no plan.</p>

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<p>Agree with Mikemac that she probably really did mean it when she said she was going to change. Many kids do poorly their first semester as freshman and are able to turn it around. It was certainly appropriate to give her the opportunity to turn thimgs around. She may well need to get out of that environment to succeed. But don’t be pessimistic. Kids can and do grow up and change.</p>

<p>I know it is a bit of the diagnosis of the day, but it may be worth looking at ADD or some other learning disability. While this could simply be immaturity or partying too much, girls can often go undiagnosed, especially if they are ADD-Inattentive. Being very bright, but unable to complete tasks can be one symptom. </p>

<p>Again, good luck. The problem with not having a land line in the dorm room, is that you can’t always get in touch with them if they turn off their phone, lose it, or it is not charged up. Have that problem with my kids as well.</p>

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<p>And it becomes the cat chasing the tail. This young woman got bad grads >so did not get into sorority because of grades >so then is “depressed” because >did not get into sorority >because of bad grades.</p>

<p>It’s very difficult for these kids that get caught up in everything BUT the academics to turn it around. They’ve had a semester of flaking off and now they’ve developed habits. My heart hurts for you because it is so difficult to do the tough love thing with these kids and we’ve watched a few friends go through it. If and when you bring her home make sure you and your spouse are absolutely on the same page about what the next months will be like. How long will you allow her to live in your home. What are the conditions for doing so if any. How much money are you going to give her. I say this because I have seen a few very strained marriages when the kids flunk out and come home and the parents are not on the same page. You do not want to harm your marriage because of this situation.</p>

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<p>i have nothing to add. my son is a high school senior. reading posts on this forums is an eye opener for me. i really appreciated your insights. i will be around here for a long time. to learn and to contribute.</p>

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<p>Momimizer – Hugs, hugs and more electronic hugs. I have seen some of my DD’s friends go throught this. I think they and their families would have been better off with pulling the plug, bringing them home, telling them to work for a semester and get counseling, and then decide if they are ready to attend local CC. The longer you let your DD continue at present school, the harder it will be for her to fix her GPA, etc.</p>

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<p>Just a note from someone who has been there: I would adopt a positive, problem-solving, teamwork tone and approach. Talking about crashing and burning and punitive approaches may not be helpful.</p>

<p>I think you should tell her, firmly, but lovingly, that she is coming home, and recoup your money, or as much of it as you can. Don’t focus on the need for a plan before she comes home. Or what she has to do to prove her worth again. </p>

<p>Just tell her that she can come home, will be welcome, and that you will all work together to help her find the right path, even if it takes a little while.</p>

<p>Then, consider some sort of evaluation. The missing deadlines and missing alarm clocks are not new problems and sound very much like either ADHD-inattentive, depression, or some sort of executive function problem. There is a book out called “The Myth of Laziness,” by Levine. Check it out, and maybe and read other books out on the problems I just mentioned.</p>

<p>Another great book is “The Film Club” though it is about a high schooler who drops out. The idea is to be supportive, get the resources the child needs, but also leave them to it and have faith- which gets conveyed to the kid through actions, not words.</p>

<p>You can get professionals such as a therapist, life or academic coach, or tutor involved when your daughter agrees or expresses a desire.</p>

<p>Give her some control over what happens. If she wants to work in a coffee shop, be supportive and know that in a few months, she will want more out of life. Let her mention CC. There are many ways to do college these days, and to chip away at classes while figuring things out. Most schools now have continuing ed, adult learner or other programs, including many online classes that have flexible work schedules. Limit her to only one or two classes, so she can learn time management and feel some mastery. </p>

<p>Most of all: your daughter is not really crashing and burning. This is a crossroads that brings opportunity.</p>

<p>Her life will be fine, but limit the damage to your pocketbook, her transcript, and her spirits by having her come home now.</p>

<p>Please know that my advice about this situation is not theoretical and has worked well here, but every kid and every family is different.</p>

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<p>It’s hurts to be real and honest with yourself and others.</p>

<p>You are not in denial. </p>

<p>And don’t be angry. There is nothing magical about 18 years of age or graduation. These rites of passage are forced on us, ready or not.</p>

<p>I joined the army, had a bunch if significant emotional events then went to college and got almost straight As in biology major after being a 2.5 GPA student in high school.</p>

<p>You are not in a bad position, just not the position you envisioned. Alternatives do exist and success is individual, not determined by predetermined sequence of events and pedigree.</p>

<p>Make the hard choices and help your D learn that quality of life is determined by a long hard decisions over ones lifetime.</p>

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<p>^Sorry for the hack job of writing I did too.</p>