<p>You said what I was trying to say, only with fewer words and more eloquently!</p>
<p>compmom, wonderful advice. Very caring and thoughtful and real. I like the idea of the parent stepping in to save their money while letting the kid make some decisions about her near future plans at home. Each step forward will teach her something about herself and many good things come through less predictable paths. Best of luck to OP and family.</p>
<p>Question…how do you know she is missing deadlines and classes? Is school telling you or do you have access to that info? Was that part of the agreement for her to go back? How long has school been back in session and what is deadline for ithdrawal?</p>
<p>I imagine that one bad semester would look better than two bad semesters when it comes time to applying again to another school. Bring her home, suggest a therapist, and get her working part time and taking one or two classes at a CC.</p>
<p>Compmom is so right. A lot of us have gone through this with our child(ren and there will be others going this path too. This just was not the right time for you DD. She is troubled enough, so do make it as easy as possible for her. I wouldn’t even talk about taking classes, by the way. Let some time go byl Let her ruminate, work, go to therapy, and rest, but leave the schools out of it until she decides to give it another go.</p>
<p>“As I’m reading everyone’s helpful advice, I’m realizing that I have a grasp of the reality of the situation - she isn’t ready for college - but that I’m not acting in accordance with this idea. Someone who isn’t ready for college shouldn’t be in college, right?”</p>
<p>I think you have answered your own question. </p>
<p>She isn’t ready. I don’t think there is any mental health issues here - it just sounds like she is not mature enough to handle college. </p>
<p>Have her come home and get a job. She will know when she is ready to go to college again - and it might not be for a few years. </p>
<p>Hugs.</p>
<p>I too have been there with our oldest daughter and let me first say (and maybe to your husband primarily), you are too close to see the big picture. </p>
<p>I can also tell you categorically that I WISH we had not allowed D to convince us she would get it together her second semester freshman year. OR we would have made it a stipulation that we have in place some sort of accountability system. Because what happened was this (and I paraphrase): She spiraled and saw the writing on the wall and instead of doing everything she could to assure good standing, she basically avoided our calls and indulged in the freedom that was shortly coming to an end. We felt bamboozled.</p>
<p>While you might be able to save the semester, I think that all depends on the academic support of the large U. If it is the case that kids are completely on their own to seek help and assistance and that professors could care less about the bodies in his/her classroom… I would stop the bleeding and apply triage at home. What I have learned over 3 kids is that while pricetags may not differ much, there is a very real difference between student support - whether it be academic or psychological (and I am not only referring to counseling but the willingness of professors to build valuable relationships with students). At a very large U, beyond lectures, most one-to-one contact might be done with TA’s who with all due respect know very little about the pedagogy of teaching and will even have less expertise in dealing with young adults even though they recently were them.</p>
<p>And one last thing… I understand the tendency to look at this as failure. It is not. You cannot fail at life at 19. It just isn’t possible. It’s just a slightly different path than what you EXPECTED, but certainly not a different path for the many who do the same thing. It’s a journey. Four years from now, your D’s classmates from HS will be all over the map in their plans, education, whatever. There is a five year grad rate average for more reason than just being able to get all the classes you need. </p>
<p>We kind of made our daughter go to the CC the next year. She was not ready for “book-learning.” But there was still a lot she needed to learn about life, responsibility and figure out who she was a little more. Had we not pushed her into CC or formal education per se as we did, perhaps it would have taken her less time to figure some other stuff out. It really isnt a race. Our D went back on her own eventually. And basically had to start over completely. Four years later she is graduating with a GPA that would qualify her for Magna Cum Laude had she not had to turn in her transcript from the other school. As it is, however, she has made dean’s list every single semester since her return and graduates in May.</p>
<p>And the best thing I ever heard? These stupid freshman show up late or don’t bother to come to class … I could tell them they’ll regret it, but I wouldn’t have listened to me either.</p>
<p>And oh… </p>
<p>Just something to think about… at the end of the day, while it IS your money and your investment, it is not your life. And some of the choices or consequences that happen to our kids are NOT our fault or reflect back on us that we’re bad parents. I get there is a certain level of embarrassment, disappointment, maybe even shame associated with our children’s less than successful endeavors, but really and truly: not everything is on you as a parent. Sometimes young adults make not great decisions. Sometimes they are complete bone-heads even when you’ve done everything “right.” Do not let what is going on now help define you as a parent. Always always always: it’s what you do next that counts. And if you write her a blank check, don’t be surprised when she cashes it and does whatever feels easiest.</p>
<p>I definitely agree with the advice to have her evaluated for ADD Inattentive. She is so smart that if it is the issue, she is smart enough to have been able to get by. Now that the environment is tougher and her supports have been withdrawn, she is drowning. Make evaluation your first priority–by a neuro psychologist once she returns home. Once you have an evaluation you will be able to take better steps forward. If it is ADD, medication and counseling can work wonders.</p>
<p>I agree to bring her home now with a supportive ‘work together’ attitude. She is floundering…ah, that is a tough situation, but she is NOT a failure. After all, it takes some guts to go away from home at 18.
Some 18 year olds are not ready to forge ahead independently with the strength to face adversity alone (ours wasn’t). Work together on a plan, respect that she is an adult, yet set limits and expectations. I bet she will rise to the occasion. If there are other suspect issues that need to be identified and addressed (depression, possible ADD etc) then that is best done at home with full family support. As Modadunn says, 4 years from now it won’t matter where she went to college and she will have many choices, opportunities, and successes in her near future. Best not to focus on a lost opportunity but rather on the positives that lie ahead. It’s just a different path…
Best wishes to the three of you!</p>
<p>Be aware that you may not be able to MAKE her come home. At many schools, once you wrote that check and they cashed it, it’s between the school and the student whether there is any refund or whether the student should withdraw and get the money back. If she is 18, she is legally an adult except for that little matter of being responsible for the payment, until it leaves your account that is. It’s a crazy dichotomy under which our college system operates. At 18, they are allowed to die for our country, get married, go live somewhere else, and you can’t make them do anything they do not want to do, unless there is a danger to self and others. So do understand that you are not walking on solid ground. Better you go, and gently hug her and say it’s time to go home and think things over. I’ve seen some very ugly fights that have erupted in this arena and better that they are avoided. Sometimes families just let the term run out so that it is crystal clear that the semester was a loss, since some students see it quite differently when the parents"force" them to withdraw. You are not always dealing with someone completely sane, do realize. And the law is not on your side. So proceed with care.</p>
<p>Mominizer - I sympathize with your situation and suspect that drugs and alcohol may be playing a part in your daughter’s behavior. I say this because of my own personal experience with my son. He struggled through high school, was accepted into a decent university, but struggled last year to maintain a 2.5 GPA. He was always going to do better or it was someone else’s fault. He would constantly miss classes because he overslept. He couldn’t even get higher than a C in a phys ed class. </p>
<p>Let me tell you a story - Well, as much as I hate to admit this, he and his girlfriend were found with marijuana last spring. The pot was actually on his GF. The university that they attended suspended the girlfriend for the fall semester but reinstated my son with fines and a requirement for drug and alcohol counseling.</p>
<p>Both my son and his GF moved to their respective homes last summer through the fall semester. My son was able to stay enrolled in school by traveling 90 miles in each direction to attend a night class. He picked up a part time job and took 7 other credits at a local community college. His girlfriend is actually on monitored parole in the state of Maryland for 2 years and must take mandatory drug tests every 3 months. She took community college courses, did hours of volunteer service, held down a part time job, and was forced to attend drug counseling weekly in her home state. </p>
<p>You know what - right after this happened, his behavior completed changed. It was slow at first, but over the last six months he has steadily increased his interest in his physical appearance (exercise) and school. They both admit that they were using pot on a almost daily basis. </p>
<p>I had my son tested for ADD when he was under achieving and he ended up with a diagnosis of a mood disorder. Mood disorder my “you know what”. It was drug and alcohol overuse that was screwing up his life. He still doesn’t quite see the correlation, but I certainly do.</p>
<p>It is wonderful to see my son getting control over his life. He is a semester behind in school because of failed courses and courses he needed to repeat, but its getting better for him.</p>
<p>I firmly believe that drug and alcohol use and abuse is far more rampant that we as parents suspect. I think you daughter does need help. I do not think she is going to turn around this semester. I hope you can make a fast decision. Get her enrolled in community college for the summer and a part time job and see if she can turn herself around. </p>
<p>Good luck. Believe me - I know how painfully difficult this is.</p>
<p>Be the parent. Tell her enough is enough. Tell her you will be arriving ASAP to guide her through the withdrawal process, pack up her things, and bring her home. Tell her she has no choice in the matter. Tell her it’s time to regroup and forge a new plan for the future.</p>
<p>When you get her home, set clear expectations along with consequences. Too many parents today prefer to overprotect/bubble wrap their children rather then tell it like it really is-----in other words, “You’ve screwed up and I’m not paying another cent for you to continue this behavior on my dime.” Giving false praise, looking to place blame elsewhere, etc. are not techniques that are going to help/teach her to take personal responsibility for her actions.</p>
<p>Why waste your money on her education right now when she can’t be bothered to attend class, do the work, or answer your phone calls? It’s a lot easier to bounce back from one bad semester than 2 bad semesters. Withdraw, regroup, and set expectations. Do it now so you can recoup some of your money.</p>
<p>I’m still wondering how mom knows daughter is not going to class etc. if daughter is not talking to her, how is mom getting this information. I ask, becuase the semester is at most a couple of weeks old, and maybe its just a couple of things from an imperfect student, and suddenly we have depression, add, pull her out etc.</p>
<p>What is daughters major? Did she say anything about liking her major? </p>
<p>Is mom reading daughters emails? Checking with profs? I’m not saying bad or good, just wondering how mominizer knows what’s going on.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the DD is telling her mother that she is having problems, that she can’t get up to get to class, and all of that. Not unusual. I’ve seen this. Sometimes, it’s overstated, just to manage expectations, sometimes it’s understated–kid hasn’t even been to class, sometimes it is a good representation of what is happening. No way of telling without going to the school, and getting some meeting with the dean who could collect info from the profs. but only with DD"s support and cooperation. There is a small chance, but a chance nonetheless , that the OP’s D is making a decent go of it this term but she is struggling and is not doing as well as she wants. My friend’s DD was so unhappy at school last year that every phone call strung out my friend–and there were a few times she nearly hopped on a plane to go get her DD. It turned out that the girl was doing fine. But then there was not a term of low achievement in the picture that is here. So, the chances are not good that the OP’s DD is doing well, but it’s not certain. You really cannot go by what people, including your own beloved , are telling you. </p>
<p>If this were my DD, I’d call the dean and get a plan together with a list of what will be needed to find out what is happening here, and go to the college, and give the DD a hug and just let her know that there is nothing but sympathy here and that the situation just needs to be addressed, and get what consents signed and find out what the heck is going on… Then one can take the next steps. Much will need the DD’s cooperation. This is an adult we are talking about, legally that is so you cannot just throw her over your shoulder and force her home.</p>
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<p>How do you know this?</p>
<p>Read the OP’s opening post, second paragraph.</p>
<p>mominizer- first I send you (hugs) </p>
<p>You have gotten some great advice here. </p>
<p>If she willing to meet with the dean and counselor to come up with a plan? I would say if she shows any resistance she needs to come home for a while. Maybe going to a CC and living at home might be the best way to get ready for going away in the future.</p>
<p>Wow, what a lot of helpful advice and all those hugs! Hugs back and many thanks. </p>
<p>How I know: I speak with her fairly regularly, including today (finally) about an hour ago. AND I have (uneasy) access to her email. She was out of town this summer working as an au pair in France with limited computer access so asked me to set up her email account for her. She knows I have access and that I check.</p>
<p>She missed a university wide writing assessment, which isn’t supposed to affect her grade, but she says that’s the only thing she’s missed. She says that her adviser will confirm that things are otherwise fine thus far this semester. I have a call in to the adviser.</p>
<p>Momofthree, I definitely see that cat-chases-tail syndrome. And the sorority thing is SO not what she’s there for. She says she understands this.</p>
<p>Compmom (and others who mentioned this), she IS an ADHD kid, diagnosed about 4 years ago. She takes meds for it. She’s also subject to anxiety. I found out about the procedure for getting a therapist to address the anxiety/stress and spoke with a sympathetic and intelligent sounding guy who works in the mental health clinic. When I talked with daughter tonight, she said she’d call and make an appointment.</p>
<p>When we spoke, I said that she needed to bring the choices she was making (by missing the writing assessment deadline, e.g.) up to the level of conscious thought. She tends to avoid things she finds unpleasant and then has to scramble at the last minute which results in even more unpleasantness. I’ve often told her that because of her ADHD, she needs to think of the last minute as a week before the due date.</p>
<p>She has a reprieve, at least until I speak with her adviser, predicated on her making an appointment with a therapist.</p>
<p>Momizer, can you talk to her about simple lo-tech coping skills? When she gets an assignment, break it down into parts, and put deadlines for each part into her pda? E.g., pick topic, write outline, first draft. Like you said, give herself false deadlines (before real ones)? Make time so she can draft of paper to school writing center (do they have one)?</p>