<p>Sometimes it is just that one or two people that you meet (the wrong crowd) that sucks you into a bad situation and life style. Kids in their late teens many times are still discovering themselves and easily swayed one way or another. You try to tell them which is the right way but sometimes it is just luck of the draw that they go down the wrong paths when they are still curious and want to experience things they are not used to before. I would definitely do everything I can to get her away from her current settings, bring her home and give her some tough love by making her work hard locally in school or job to earn your trust back. Then maybe she can talk about going to a better school after she has shown some progress.</p>
<p>"I would also likely require a good faith effort to repay the money she had duped you out of - even if it was small increments that would take a while to repay, "</p>
<p>There’s no reason that the effort should just be “good faith”. Before the parents invest further in the D’s future, the D should pay back the hard earned money that her parents wasted due to her lies. She had no problem lying so as to use their money to party, so she shouldn’t have a problem working hard and not partying so as to repay them in a timely way.</p>
<p>I believe, oldfort, and I may be mistaken, that you can be hired at a night club at the age of 19. This may depend on state rules, I’m not sure, but for some reason the age 19 seems to resonate with some kind of useless fact stored away in my memory somewhere…</p>
<p>Oh I agree that it would have to be more than just good faith before I’d pitch in any more money but if I saw other positive signs - working full time (or more), self-supporting, etc, then I don’t think I’d be demanding every paycheck as a repayment but a solid effort payment plan, even if spread out over a longer time (not a lifetime or years and years). Ultimately it would all depend on what happened going forward and if no additional efforts were being made there would be no help or hope of future help. </p>
<p>Sorry, probably made it sound more lenient than I actually would be! :)</p>
<p>Well, we are really disappointed in our daughter, and embarrassed she does not know right and wrong. We live in NH, we are hard working and I work 2 jobs to pay for her college. My husband and I have talked and believe she will not go to school here in NH and will bolt from the house. We have got her a reservation at a dormitory, off campus housing nearby.
She is going to have to come home every weekend, 4hr bus ride, and get a job to repay the money for the summer housing. She will have to keep her grades up. Any problems and she will not go back in the spring. I think the suggestions posted here for counseling is a good idea, probably for the whole family.</p>
<p>I really hope things work out for you and your family. I’m not sure if you are religious or not, but I will be praying for you…if you’re not religious, just think of it as positive thoughts being sent your way. I will also ask my parish retreat team to keep you in their thoughts and prayers as well. Best wishes!</p>
<p>In my opinion, you’re letting her off too easy. She’s getting exactly what she wants–more time to party at your expense. I doubt that she will follow through with the 4 hour bus ride home every weekend. Who is going to pay for the round-trip bus fare every weekend? If she chooses to not attend school in NH or live under your roof, isn’t that her choice to make? With every choice there is a consequence. Isn’t this what she needs to learn?</p>
<p>My gut says that by allowing her to go back this semester, she’s going to continue with the same behavior she’s doing now.
I hope I’m wrong.</p>
<p>I guess my approach would be: what’s the best way to help my daughter? Does she want help? Or does she just want to continue her partying? If she realizes she’s on the wrong path, I think your parental love and support can be an amazing gift to her, if she’s ready to accept it.</p>
<p>I would get her out of NYC.</p>
<p>Live at home for free as long as she worked 50 hrs a week (2-3 jobs whatever) and handed over the paychecks. She needs to have one goal and only one goal: paying you back and regaining some trust. Do not even discuss further college until money is paid back.</p>
<p>I have found that the more hours a kid works the less hours they have to spend money. Plain and simple.</p>
<p>Stick to your guns. She went astray and disappointed you but it is not the end of the world. Be tough though and don’t give an inch. After threats and tears she will have no choice but to fall into line and do as you ask. </p>
<p>The difficult thing here may be her health insurance.Check into it. I would fund her cell phone as long as she took my calls or texts.</p>
<p>If the health insurance forces you to keep her in school make her take a loan out to pay for CC classes and continue handing over the paychecks.</p>
<p>Good luck.Not your fault. Some kids just don’t get it at this age and need some time to grow up.</p>
<p>Crossposted with OP. Please put it in writing for her. Good Luck.</p>
<p>I agree with all the poster here. I am a graduate of Pace myself, 40 years ago. I know Pace is not a highly ranked school and does not have strong acadamics, but still, to maintain a 3.0 is not easy for some one partying all night and work for night clubs. I would highly question about that gpa she is giving you, verify it with the school. I had to work extra hard to get 3.5 while working on the Wall Street part time. As I know, in my class, only a few students got 3.9 and above, I don’t think that has changed much. In my class, only about 10-15% got A’s, it does not matter if you are in business or nursing. My parents paid my tuition and I worked for everything else. I am totally aware of the living cost in Manhattan and the $3,000 she asked from you will not last for a few days of binge in a partying mode unless she is doing some thing else. If she lies to you on the summer intern, she is lying to you on all the others as well.</p>
<p>I support the idea to pull her back from the school and start her in cc until she is totally turned around before you blow that $40,000/year again.</p>
<p>Health Insurance should no longer be an issue with the reform - now kids are covered through age 26 regardless of student status - this however doesn’t become official until this fall I think although many carriers are enacting the change earlier (at least our company’s carrier did).</p>
<p>Seeing my sister react when my mom tells her to do things or pay for something, when previously it was something our mom had paid for, I think being too harsh can be dangerous. It can make her turn elsewhere, and push away even further, though it truly depends on her personality and you know her better than any of us here do. This is from the college student perspective, and I will not have kids of my own for a long while, but I have seen how my peers react to situations such as these. Personally I’ve always been that kid who all you had to do was say “I’m very disappointed in you” and I’d burst into tears and promise never to do it again and make a genuine effort to make good on that promise. Everyone is different, and you know the dynamics of your relationship with your daughter better than us. Again, I truly hope things work out for the better for you and your family, and that your daughter stays safe and well from here on out.</p>
<p>“My husband and I have talked and believe she will not go to school here in NH and will bolt from the house.”</p>
<p>I agree with NY Smile: You aren’t holding her accountable for her actions, and you’re simply giving her more chance to party at your expense. Why should she toe the line when there are no negative consequences to her lying to you and wasting the money you and your husband broke your backs to earn to pay for her college?</p>
<p>If she bolts from your house, she still will have to support herself because her friends aren’t going to support her. Think about it: If she bolts, where will she go, and who will support her? She’s living now with friends because you’ve been supplying her income.</p>
<p>Older S tried that – bolted and then moved in with friends. S didn’t have a job. He found he didn’t like living in squalor. Probably, too, his friends weren’t willing to support him on an indefinite basis.</p>
<p>He ended up moving with 2 other friends, getting full time employment and living in an apartment. When one of his friends refused to work, S and the other friend kicked him out. 3 years later, S is still living in an apartment and supporting himself working the same job. He chose not to return to school, but we couldn’t have made him do that, and when he had been in college, he had partied, not studied. While he never returned to college, he does seem to be living a nonpartying lifestyle and is supporting himself. Not every student – even smart ones – are interested in college or have the interest in going to college.</p>
<p>Are you sure that she got a 3.0 in college? Her behavior doesnt’ seem like that of someone who passed their courses in college. Did you see her grades? If you saw them are you sure you didn’t see forgeries? A student who’ll lie about attending college and working a job could very well be lying about their grades.</p>
<p>I strongly suggest that you and your husband enter counseling to make a decision on what to do about your daughter. I also suggest that you attend Al-Anon, the anonymous support group for those whose lives have been negatively affected by a loved one’s drinking. Whether or not your D’s behavior meets the official diagnosis for alcoholism, etc., her partying certainly has affected your life and you would be welcome at Al-Anon meetings and would find nonjudgmetal support and information there.</p>
<p>[Al-Anon</a> and Alateen](<a href=“http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/newcomer.html]Al-Anon”>http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/newcomer.html)</p>
<p>That is what we are thinking what is the best way to help our daughter be successful in her life. I don’t know if locking her down here in NH is the best. I am afraid she will go into a depression. I am hoping she will be busy at school during the week with studies and work, and then come home on weekends and avoid the partying and clubs. I know this happens during the week too. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this NY situation is too much for her to handle.</p>
<p>“f the health insurance forces you to keep her in school make her take a loan out to pay for CC classes and continue handing over the paychecks.”</p>
<p>It’s cheaper to pay for health insurance for a kid than to pay for their college education. When older S flunked out of college, H and I paid $1 k a year for private health insurance for him. That was the only expense that we paid for S.</p>
<p>OP’s daughter won’t necessary have to stay with her peers, she could end up staying with people who have been providing her with free food and drinks. It’s a different situation for a young attractive girl in NYC.</p>
<p>You could try having her be made accountable for her whereabouts during the week. Maybe she has to check in on a daily basis with you and your husband? Also check into her school’s health and wellness center for information on their psychological counselors. Making her accountable for going to a weekly (or bi-weekly, or whatever is decided by the counselor) meeting and having that time to work thing out may help her.</p>
<p>She got a 3.0 we saw it on the Pace web site. She is very smart and got almost 1/2 of tuition with grants and school scholarships. We fund 20K per year. The rest she pays in loans. She is suppose to work for living expenses, we don’t give her money. Just pay for buses/trains home.</p>
<p>"I am afraid she will go into a depression. I am hoping she will be busy at school during the week with studies and work, and then come home on weekends and avoid the partying and clubs. I know this happens during the week too. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this NY situation is too much for her to handle. "</p>
<p>Your D needs to feel the consequences of her poor choices, and if that means that she feels depressed at the options that her actions have limited her to, then that’s the consequence. And that consequence may discourage her from making other poor choices.</p>
<p>Why should she be able to merrily continue with her life when she has messed up big time? Why should you and your husband be working hard and stressed while she’s feeling wonderful despite making bad choices that have hurt your and your H’s lives?</p>
<p>“I am hoping she will be busy at school during the week with studies and work, and then come home on weekends and avoid the partying and clubs.”</p>
<p>Why would she make that choice? She could have been in school over the summer, but didn’t bother to do that. She preferred to party and lie instead. She also could have been working some kind of job, but she preferred to party.</p>
<p>If you don’t hold your D accountable for her actions this summer, you’ll be giving her the message that partying and lying are fine with you. I imagine that if you promise to send her back to school this fall, she’ll promise to come home weekends and not party. However, her actions this summer show you how much you can trust her word. </p>
<p>Your D also will know that once you pay her fall tuition, you aren’t likely to drag her home if she doesn’t hold her end of the bargain, so what you’ll be giving her is another semester of partying and more opportunities to run into serious problems. Obviously something is wrong with your daughter now or else she wouldn’t have lied to you and basically stolen your money so she could party this summer.</p>
<p>"e week. Maybe she has to check in on a daily basis with you and your husband? Also check into her school’s health and wellness center for information on their psychological counselors. Making her accountable for going to a weekly (or bi-weekly, or whatever is decided by the counselor) meeting and having that time to work thing out may help her. "</p>
<p>The daughter could check in and lie every day. Apparently, she’s a very accomplished liar. After all, she had fooled her parents about her summer activities.</p>
<p>The parents also won’t know if the D is attending counseling as that info is between the counselor and patient.</p>