<p>She is responsible for room and board? Or is she responsible for spending money? If it’s room and board, then it’s very hard for a young girl to do in NYC. You are outing her in a very difficult situation.</p>
<p>RED FLAGGG!!! Be careful! “feeling depressed” is WAY different than “going into depression.” Depression can be a very serious thing, and should not be taken lightly. If it affects your daily life and you are unable to bring yourself to do regular activities, you have a very serious psychological problem that needs addressing. Depression can often accompany alcoholism, and from just the snapshot view here, it does look like the OP’s daughter could have some very serious psychological issues that need to be dealt with.</p>
<p>"Seeing my sister react when my mom tells her to do things or pay for something, when previously it was something our mom had paid for, I think being too harsh can be dangerous. "</p>
<p>I don’t see anything harsh in expecting the D to take a semester off to work to repay the money that she essentially stole from her parents. That’s not being harsh. That’s imposing the natural consequences of the D’s misbehavior. If the D wanted to spend a summer living in NYC and partying, she should have gotten a job there that would have allowed her to do that.</p>
<p>I hate to say this, but it sounds like you are a pushover. She will take advantage of you as long as you let her. She is blackmailing you (spoken or unspoken) with the possibility of her taking off with friends if you require her to live at home. No way would I be working 2 jobs to finance someone else not working, lying to me, and getting drunk on a daily basis. Her living this way is not a reflection of your parenting - I’m sure you didn’t hand her the booze, etc. but you sure are not being a good parent now if you provide the funds to allow her to do that after you know what you know now. I have had to kick a teenage child out of the house - the world didn’t come to an end and he grew up a little. But I am not working to support someone’s else’s bad habits (putting it mildly) and laziness. I have too much self respect for that. Unless you suspect mental illness to the degree she cannot be responsible for herself she needs to look in the mirror and decide if this is who she wants to be. As long as you re enabling her lifestyle, it is unlikely she will do this.</p>
<p>Northstar mom is right about everything. We may need to reconsider.
I think I will call for family counseling today.</p>
<p>To cut someone off suddenly when funds were previously provided can often cause a lot of hostility in the relationship. When we are young, we do things extreme in reaction to our situations. You were there once…and don’t give me the “back in my day we appreciated everything cause we had to walk uphill both ways in the snow barefoot” bs, because even my mom, who is the biggest square I know, had her party days in college. But from what the OP has said, the situation is fragile.</p>
<p>"To cut someone off suddenly when funds were previously provided can often cause a lot of hostility in the relationship. "</p>
<p>Yes, that can cause hostility in the relationship. Similarly, lying to parents to get funds that one wouldn’t otherwise get can cause parents to become angry, depressed and hostile.</p>
<p>I’m sure that the daughter will be happiest if the parents continue throwing money at her, but that would not be in the daughter’s best interest. If the parents don’t hold the daughter accountable for taking their hard earned money under false pretenses, the parents would be telling the daughter it’s fine to lie to and use people. Solidifying such an outlook in their daughter would bode worse for the D’s future than would holding her accountable for lying to them.</p>
<p>No person welcomes being punished for their own bad actions. However, that’s the way people learn to walk the straight and narrow. </p>
<p>What seems fragile about the situation is that the daughter has become a person who apparently thinks its fine to have her hard working parents give her money under false pretenses. Why should the parents continue to work hard – including working 2 jobs – to give money to a daughter who hasn’t done what she promised to do? She was partying while her parents were working hard to keep her in college. Why shouldn’t she be expected to repay her parents before they invest more in her college education?</p>
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<p>I’m not trying to take this thread in a different direction but sadly, young women can always find ways to support themselves much more easily than young men can. There have been numerous articles and news features about young women becoming dancers in men’s clubs (which NYC has no shortage of) not to mention the even less desirable alternatives that exist…often as an offshoot of “dancing.” As the parent of a D I know that even the thought of being a dancer would send me over the edge but there are far worse alternatives being filled every day by young women who need money and support…I don’t think I need to elaborate here but the adult industry is thriving and filled with college age girls from good suburban families.</p>
<p>If she does have any type of substance abuse problem it could serve as a gateway to this type of desperate action if she “bolts from your house.” This is how these industries survive- preying on those who have “issues” and are in need. If she has already resorted to lying and stealing from her parents in order to maintain her partying, being cut off and allowed to remain in NYC will only make her more desperate.</p>
<p>Please get her some counseling and do not allow her back to NYC before doing so. You need to know what is REALLY going on before you can trust her to be on her own again in Manhattan.</p>
<p>Good luck…</p>
<p>Most important of all, I believe, is that you realize you know your daughter better than any of us. You have some very difficult decisions to make regarding your daughter, and it will not be easy to make them. Remember to trust yourself, your husband and your instincts. Be brave. Be strong. Be wise. Be compassionate. Carefully consider all of your options and talk to your husband. When you both feel committed to a chosen course of action, execute it and know that you are doing the right thing for your daughter. It’s so tough being a parent in these situations. All of us have issues to deal with that aren’t easy. We can offer advice and our opinions, but only you know your daughter and your situation. Remember that and trust yourself.</p>
<p>"Please get her some counseling and do not allow her back to NYC before doing so. "</p>
<p>While the parents can refuse to fund the girl’s living in NYC, their daughter is a grown woman, and the parents can’t force her to live with them or to enter counseling. They can, however refuse to support her living in NYC, and they can enter counseling themselves, and they can be willing to pay for counseling if the D chooses to enter it.</p>
<p>By setting appropriate boundaries, the parents are making it more difficult for the D to lead a partying, irresponsible life, and they’re teaching her it’s unacceptable to lie to them in order to steal their money for things they wouldn’t normally pay for. That’s all that the parents can do.</p>
<p>By getting counseling themselves, the parents will be doing their best to be the best parents that they can be, and to keep their own relationship strong during this stressful time.</p>
<p>“If she does have any type of substance abuse problem it could serve as a gateway to this type of desperate action if she “bolts from your house.””</p>
<p>Most people with substance abuse problems get help only when the bottom comes up to them: That’s when their lives become so difficult and miserable that they realize they have a problem. As long as they are shielded from the consequences of their actions, they have no reason to stop using.</p>
<p>If she has a substance abuse problem, allowing her to stay in school on the parents dime will continue to allow her to abuse substances easily. And for all we know, she’s already doing things that are dangerous and desperate. The fact that a person who previously was a good student spent the summer partying and lying to her parents is proof that she already is not on a good path.</p>
<p>Mom876, good for you. I think coming into a good arrangement with a counselor or another 3rd objective party might be a good way of settling this. Your daughter will have less of a chance to use her manipulative leverage trying to take advantage of your emotion, while she is probably more receptive to the consequence in that setting. Sending her back without a verifiable assurance for change is not a good alternative going forward and the further she goes down that road, the harder for you to be able to turn her around.</p>
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<p>Not if the D has ANY sort of pre-existing condition! In that case, the only option may be enrollment in a CC or no health insurance at all.</p>
<p>I don’t always agree with Northstarmom but she is right in this instance. You need to bring a third party (family counselor, if even just for yourself) into this and try to figure this out.</p>
<p>I would not let her go back to school for the fall semester on your dime. I’m sorry but what she is doing sounds very dangerous to me. Free dinners and bottle service in New York City. These things are not free and she could be socializing with unknown people and putting herself in a precarious situation. I hate to be so blunt.</p>
<p>Please listen to Northstarmom, try to get your D to come home and away from this situation. Or refuse to fund what she is doing. It’s not a good situation and I think you only know the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>Well, I give up giving input and simply send prayers and thoughts your way. I have given my input as a college student myself, take it or leave it.</p>
<p>Ah that is the situation turning her around from this life style and sending her on a different path. I also made very bad chioces as a teenager, partying and lying. I don’t know why I am so shocked she is doing the same. I really have checked up on her alot. She is a beautiful girl and she is a good at manipulating and using her parents. This has got to stop. She really is at a turning point in her life. I went through a depression in college, lost my grandmother, lots of family turmoil. Couldn’t stay in college, and went into the Air Force. I supported my self and went back to school partime. It was hard and very lonely path. I don’t want that for my daughter, I want her to turn it around now. We will go to counseling as a family and work through this together.</p>
<p>I know this is really bad!</p>
<p>Don’t feel bad about it though, I’m sure there are other families going through the same thing, they just may not know about CC. It’ll work out for the best, and I think it’s good you are going to try to work through it with a counselor as a family. Some people would simply refuse to see the problem because they don’t want to go to a counselor and admit something is wrong, or they’re worried what people would think, etc.</p>
<p>Thank you for everyones responses and thoughtful advice. I am overwhelmed by the response and support. We will be making some hard choices with our daughter, and getting some help for all of us, I just made an appt for counseling for all of us. Thank you again and we will also pray for success.</p>
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<p>This is exactly what I was thinking. I know what kinds of temptations a young woman can face as a newcomer to NYC. Yes, it is very easy as an attractive girl to get comps, but there is a very slippery line that can be…um, compromising if crossed. Partying in clubs in NYC is extremely expensive. I’ll just leave it at that.</p>
<p>Mom876, I would seriously consider having your D come home. It is very dangerous for your D to continue being in NYC right now. Your D is too vulnerable and young right now and cannot withstand the force that NY can exert on a person like her. I am not being melodramatic. NY has a way of completely rocking your world if you are not a well grounded person. There’s no way to describe it other than it casts a spell. She needs time to mature and reflect on her actions (her betrayal of your trust), go to counseling, work to repay you, perhaps go to CC, before she is ready to return. </p>
<p>Also, have you considered sharing your own history with her? I think it might help. It might give her some perspective on her own situation.</p>
<p>Thanks for your reply, I have shared some but not all, this is a good idea. Exactly there is a spell over her right now. She is not mature enough for this life or to see it is a waste of time. I look back at the time I spent partying and think I could have accomplished so much more. On social networking there are club promoters who try to get pretty girls into clubs, they get in free and have no expenses. They get paid by how many girls they get in to the club. This promoter puts your name on a list and you get in. Guys have to pay covers and big prices for food and drinks. NYC is such a scaming, money grubbing place, I hate it.</p>