Daughter not excited about college

Parents Forum
1

Hi everyone,

My daughter will be starting college on Monday and I’m very concerned about her lack of emotion and excitement. She will be commuting to campus. I wish, for her sake, she was living on campus but the financials didn’t match up and I couldn’t afford it. Something she threw in my face today, I might add. I’ve been a single parent for 16 years and believe me, that hurt.

She has a 21 year old boyfriend who doesn’t work or go to school. He dropped out after one semester. He jerked her around all summer to the point she had a total meltdown. He told her he needed a break, but called her, contacted her, wanted to see her. I feel that he’s doing everything he can to sabotage her and she’s buying right into it.

Everyone tells me that she’s scared about school, which I understand completely. But to have no enthusiasm at all is alarming, to say the least. She asked me to do a trial run with her on the bus since she won’t be driving every day. I agreed, and then she proceeded to dilly dally to the point where we missed the last bus to campus. She will not have a clue what she’s doing come Monday.

My anxiety level is through the roof right now. My mother tells me to give it time and once she’s in school things will change and she’ll dump the loser. Right now I’m not that optimistic.

Any advice?

2

Can you drive her to campus this weekend and at least have her find the buildings? Maybe go to a nice lunch before or after and try to talk about anything other than the boyfriend.

3

Can you mention – casually, easily, obliquely – that perhaps, maybe, it seems to you it’s possible that, the BF is trying to sabotage her? Let her mull that over. It may generate some thinking.

In terms of finding the right bus, etc., hopefully when the chips are down, she’ll get her act together.

4

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She will be commuting to campus. I wish, for her sake, she was living on campus but the financials didn’t match up and I couldn’t afford it. Something she threw in my face today, I might add. I’ve been a single parent for 16 years and believe me, that hurt.


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ouch. I bet that did hurt. I’m sure that you’ve been trying your best, especially being the only parent for nearly all of her life.

Was she counting on going away to school?

5

I really love ashmuoh’s suggestion. My D2 tends to be a bit less independent than D1. D2 had an intern interview in a place she, and I , were not at all familiar with about an hour or so from where we live. She and I drove there a few days before the interview and made a day of it. She felt so much more comfortable when she went for the interview.

Maybe you can have a “Going to school” dinner or shopping event this weekend which might build some excitement.

And finally, maybe she can get an RA position in her second year so that she can live on campus free of charge.

6

Does she have friends going to this school? Are there some get involve kind of programs? It is fine that she is commuting - she needs to be grateful for the opportunity for college.

Try to network with other parents. Maybe see if there is any relationship counseling available - see what personal counseling services are offered.

Maybe DD can find others who want to study what she does, have common interests.

My UG relatively small college was in a major city, and some of the gals commuted - their parents said it didn’t make sense to pay for staying on campus when it was an easy commute. Believe me, if my family lived in area, I would have commuted. Honestly, if the gal came early to school and stayed until supper time, they didn’t miss anything. They figured that out as time went on.

Does DD have any mentors? Anyone she looks up to for advice?

Many young men knock around. I talked to a CVS employee who went to school one year, stayed out 10 years and now is going into accounting and is half way through BS.

One just likes to see no threat of derailment from school, like getting jerked around in a relationship.

7

OP, she probably IS scared about going, and worried about the changes it will bring with the boyfriend, and it will. But it was cruel of her to say what she did. MANY parents can’t afford to pay for the kids to go wherever they want for college. LOTS of them commute. And, I’ll say this, kids who REALLY want to go away to school can often find a way. D has a friend who is from a family like yours, but she doesn’t want to commute to college. She wants to go OOS and see and live in new places. So she applied for scholarships, got grades that got her good merit money, and took a loan. Then she spent this summer working 3 jobs, commuting by bus everywhere possible to save money on gas. She leaves for her college in a couple of weeks. Many of her friends are staying local and commuting. There’s no shame in that, but there ARE options, like transferring after a year or two, getting RA jobs, or going all out like D’s friend. You can talk to your D in a quieter moment and suggest some of these things. But helping her make sure she knows where to go when can’t hurt.

8

((HUGS)) to you, SoftballMomPSU. Know that you have done your best and that is all you can do.

I think your mom is right. Once your D has met some new friends at school, she will hopefully decide that he is not for her.

Keep asking questions here. There are so many kind people on College Confidential that will be happy to give you support and advice.

9

Right now, she has friends who have just left town for college or will do so in the next few days. It’s happening all around her. And she isn’t part of it.

So the fact that she’s going to be a commuter stings a bit more than usual.

What she said to you was unpleasant, but it may have been triggered by what’s happening around her this week.

10

It’s kind of strange. If she HAD gone away, the certainly the relationship with the BF would have been affected. By her commuting, the relationship with the BF isn’t hurt at all. It’s no different from when she was in high school!

11

Did she attend orientation? Did she seem more excited? Yes, she is probably feeling the sting of her friends leaving. If she got a job on campus she might feel more connected. Joining some clubs and activities helps too.

Bottom line, she has an opportunity to go to college, to get a degree. Hopefully she will appreciate that in time.

12

Is she ready for college? Does she want to go? I would hate to see your hard earned money go to waste. I would have a heart to heart talk with her about your expectations - maintaining certain GPA, participating in ECs, internships, work study, etc. I think it is important for your student to understand that going to college is a privilege, not a right, especially when you are doing all you can to make it happen.

The BF sounds like bad news. For your daughter’s sake, I hope she moves on soon. If you are paying for her phone, it would be pretty easy to block any texts or calls from him. :slight_smile:

13

@mom2collegekids , just wanted to add that I have been in that situation and even though she may not be going away to college, the mere fact that she is going to college at all ( as in attending a place where there are thousands of new people, as well as doing things that the boyfriend has never done ) can be a perceived threat to the relationship with the boyfriend. So things aren’t exactly the same.

14

^^^

True! But then her nasty remark about wanting to have “gone away” to school would be much less of a desire. But, I know kids, sometimes they will throw out an irrational remark.

I wonder if “going away to school” was the first big thing where this young lady has felt the effect of not having a father’s support?

I don’t know this girl’s stats or where she applied, but maybe a gap year would be better and have her apply to schools where “need” would have been met or she would have received large merit so she could go away.

Transferring later won’t likely be affordable.

15

It seems like your daughter is not excited by college, but what do you exactly expect from her? What do you consider the right level of excitement ?

This is a big transition time and maybe she feels trepidation or disappointment (less than she expected) or loss (high school friends and comfort of 4 years of sameness) or just maybe not that much. Commuting seems like less of a big deal than moving into a dorm, no fun sheets and posters, but really living on campus often means substandard housing (100 ft2 for two people with cinder block walls in a poorly maintained building) and is not a good value financially at all. Likely she has nicer digs and nicer ammenties with you.

Have you discussed finances in a rational way with your daughter ? Really, college is the first time that many kids encounter “can’t afford” in our overly coddling child-centered society. Lots of kids can’t afford the best school they got in, are taking on debt they really “can’t afford”, “can’t afford” living on campus, etc. Or are working full-time and attending CC or worse.

Attending a local college and living at home doesn’t seem like the worst scenario, but maybe she somehow expected more or wished for more or well, is just 18.

Have her start understanding the realities of life with only one income, maybe she can also avoid being a single parent (or wife of lazy bum BF) …

College classes will be different, hopefully she has some interests that she can develop in a much more intense and interesting academic environment. Assuming her bus ride is not hours long or dangerous, she can participate in an amazing amount of campus life, it is really unbelievable how many things you can do at college and there are always like minded individuals to do it with you.

There also should be plenty of resources for commuters, from lounges to activities. She will meet others who are marooned in their home town and living with mom.

She is 18, avoid discussing her catty remarks and coddle her a bit, take her to school by car or bus, walk around campus, buy her some trendy sheets and some new decorations for her college room (at home). Encourage her to make the most of these years. She can probably get a part-time job in summer or work as an RA if living on campus seems like a good value or of interest to her in 6 months.

I would watch her carefully over the next months and year to make sure she is not depressed or otherwise having issues, otherwise, just let her settle into a new phase of her life.

Boyfriend is very aware that she will have lots of more eligible, motivated, nicer boys to choose from in about well a week. He would have to mine a dwindling supply of high school or otherwise immature women who will think his lack of ambitious is somehow cool (and not mind him not even being able to buy pizza) … .and he is getting OLD (21 loser not equal to 18 year old slacker).

It is possible mom is just out of the loop in the theatrics of this summer, or he could be the classic user boyfriend who undermines his GFs self-esteem so she continues to tolerate a one-sided relationship as long as possible … It is hard to tell, and not really your decision, but maybe the whole thing is just unraveling anyway.

Funny, private schools have elaborate and fun orientation weeks to get kids excited about college …

16

For starters, stop feeling bad that she’s commuting.She gets to go to college and you are helping her pay for it! That’s a huge accomplishment and an opportunity not every kid gets.

When we started the college hunt, we really felt like D would need to live at home and commute and she was a real monster about it. It’s not that she ever “said” anything but she was passive aggressive in the worst way. She found a million reasons not to tour in advance. She waited 2 weeks to tell me she was accepted several months early and invited to apply to the honors program. I had to nag her to no end to turn in the honors application which she did on the final day. She had a meltdown on the accepted students day, right there on the middle of campus. I did not understand AT ALL and felt like she was being a huge brat. It wasn’t until she got an OOS offer that made leaving home possible that she was able to express what was going on. Most of the kids in our community go to community college or straight to work. Of those that go to a university, most go to this local state school (which is a very high ranking and sought after school but still loathed by the community teens.) In her head, it was going to be middle school all over again… stuck in classes with the same apathetic kids she’s been with forever. She never fit with school kids and spent most of her lunch periods discussing world events with teachers. Her interest based friends outside of school never stayed local. Most came from extreme wealth and so staying local was never even a thought. Everyone always told her that things would be different in college but she couldn’t see that happening on campus with all the same kids she’d grown-up with. It was not a realistic vision (I mean, the school has 30K students from all over the state and nation and wolrd) but she really couldn’t shake the gloom until it was no longer a necessity that she go there.

I can’t say this is what your D is going through but maybe something to consider. It might not just be “something new” she’s afraid of. It could also be the fear or “more of the same.” Of course, the only way she’s going to get past that is to start school and finally see all the new people she is exposed to. See how the kids who drove her crazy growing up aren’t likely to be there.

If the budget allows at all, a make-over for her bedroom at home might be a nice gesture. A new set of bedding and a coat of paint can feel like a fresh start and help her recognize that while she’s still living at home, that YOU recognize that she’s moving out of childhood.

17

^^this last one is a good suggestion. Get her something to mark the transition, or a bus pass, or commuter parking pass, or a new phone. Make a dedicated study space, maybe with thrift store furniture. Buy a block of tickets to sporting events, encourage her to join the off campus student groups, get a gift card for the coffeeshops downtown. I had a commuting student and believe me, when she can graduate without as much debt, her understanding will grow. Don’t EVER apologize for making a sound financial decision. Just agree that it would have been great, if only…You can have empathy without having a pity party.

Keep an eye on that BF…he’s gonna envy her new life at school, and the time it takes from him.

18

Lots of good advice here. One more suggestion. If your daughter were another adult, you would sit down with her and say, “I’m disappointed too that we can’t afford to send you to the school you want to go to or pay for on campus housing. I want you to know that if we had the money, I’d do it, but we don’t. You are an adult now and I am open to your suggestions about what we can do about this.” Then listen. She may or may not have ideas - but just being treated like an equal partner in the decision-making might help her attitude.

Nothing to be done about the boyfriend. My sister dated someone that my parents referred to as ‘the sleaze.’ Years later (after she’d dumped him and married a lovely guy), they asked her what that relationship was all about. She replied, not entirely facetiously, ‘After the sleaze, you never criticized any of my boyfriends ever again, did you?’ Food for thought there, hmmm?

19

I am more surprised that people would expect her to be excited for college, particularly in the commuting situation. And no offense intended at all, and congrats on getting her to college, but as a commuting student my last couple years of college (parents divorce and I didn’t want to burden them with the cost so I left 4 year U) I felt like commuting to college was more like a job that I just needed to get over with, I didn’t care to make it an experience like you do when you go away from home. It is just like going to high school - drive there, go to classes, drive home, do homework. There isn’t a lot of bonding for commuter students, most people have jobs to get to, so they are just rushing to their cars. But this is ok too, for some students it is simply a means to get a job and a future, while for others it has become about this big - supposed to be fun - experience in life. It is not that way for everybody.

There will certainly be influence from those around her not going to college around her. It is ok to not be excited, but does she really want to go? I didn’t think my last couple years were a fun experience but nothing would stop me from getting that degree - even a relationship. I was always a very determined and motivated person. Frankly, I got two friends to start college (and eventually finish) so I would be worried more about her attitude toward college in general, is it important to her? If it is something you want for her more than she does herself, that could be the problem that pulls her out of it, not just the boyfriend.

On a side note, 5 years into my marriage, an ex-relationship called and said they were getting married and every success they had in life going forward was because of my influence to push them to do better and go to college. Still the sweetest darn call. So you are doing great by doing all you can to get her there, but a lot of this has to be up to her, and what she wants for herself.

20

Funny, but in my parents’ day, everyone they knew commuted. My mom joined a sorority to have ‘her’ place on campus. Her social life revolved around that. The one exception was a gal in her science classes, who introduced her to her cousin, and that led to my parents.