"I'm disappointed too that we can't afford to send you to the school you want to go to or pay for on campus housing. I want you to know that if we had the money, I'd do it, but we don't. You are an adult now and I am open to your suggestions about what we can do about this. " <<<
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It can be times like this that children from divorced homes may, rightly or wrongly, think that their options were shut down because of the divorce. Sounds like in this case, dad isn’t helping pay for college, which maybe in DD’s mind would be the case if parents were together. Sometimes kids don’t realize that even in intact homes, money isn’t flying around ready to be spent on “sleep away” colleges.
The excited part you can’t change. Boyfriend, wouldn’t waste much time on him.
This is her show, and it is up to her to make as much or as little of the rather good opportunity that you have been able to afford for her. She is going to a real college, it does not appear she needs to work, she has a place to live, and it does not sound like she or you are taking on massive amounts of debt.
I don’t think a nearby commuter student who does not have to work near full time to support herself and/or pay for college really needs to miss out on all the fun associated with school and consider it a job, that’s sort of a mindset you chose. You can join clubs or club sports, go to all the free or nearly free events, go to sporting games, meet people and well … learn something.
Sure she is missing out on the dream college campus experience, but then again most of us our missing out on the south of France beach experience right now in favor of what we can afford and other factors.
If she works hard and makes the most of this opportunity, there will be plenty of other opportunities in life to have fun and maybe she can afford to have more of what she wants rather than just the essentials.
I admit I have no personal experience of this, but I think taking the car to visit the school this weekend is an excellent idea. Does the college have some sort of commuter center? If so, make sure you visit that as well as having her figure out where her classes are. If it’s open on weekends, maybe she can meet a couple of upper classmen.
I lived in a dorm in college. My college had a “house” —literally an old house-- for commuters. It had a kitchen. None of the dorms did. Everyone tried to make friends with at least one commuter to have access to that kitchen. Every birthday cake baked for friends, especially boyfriends, was made in that kitchen!
It also had about six bedrooms with twin beds in each. Each commuter student was allowed to spend up to X nights a semester in one of the bedrooms. So, if there was a hockey game, followed by a frat party on a Friday night, at least 10 girls could stay overnight rather than heading home. The last bedroom was occupied by the RAs–two senior girls who had commuted for 3 years who lived in the house senior year without having to pay for their room. (Back in the Iron Age when I began college, the dorms weren’t co-ed, and male commuters had their own house.)
I realize that you can’t afford a dorm, but is there some of of commuters’ meal plan? Can you afford to buy one for your D? I think it would be especially helpful during the first few weeks if she at least ate lunch on campus every day. I’d also tell her that IF she wants to, she can invite up to__ students for a backyard barbecue in the next couple of weeks, if you can manage that. It’s up to her whether she invites fellow commuters or dorm residents.
I like the idea of a BBQ or something to invite friends. Labor Day might be a good time. My son is living on campus and last year for Labor Dsy they went to s BBQ at a commuter friend’s house. I know they did a few other things at her house too. Even something like a movie night away from the dorm can be a fun break.
Room and board is usually covered by financial aid, so if money is tight, perhaps she would qualify for aid. You haven’t mentioned this so not sure if your income is too high for financial aid. Some privates are more affordable than state schools if you do qualify.
I guess I would listen to her feelings and offer to look into ways to go away and live on a campus. She can start doing classes in order to get ready, commuting, but has to be careful because she would need to stay a freshman applicant to have the best chance at aid.
I realize my opinion is a little different and it may not apply, since I know little about your situation. But I do have a friend whose daughter was feeling this way: all her friends were talking about going away. She had her daughter apply to schools that would be residential so she could join in these conversations: even though she ended up going to the state school, she felt better having gotten into a few small privates because she could present it as a “choice” to peers.
I know adults with good jobs who still talk about the pain of this kind of situation. They aren’t spoiled or complainers, but they feel that if they had had more choices at 18, their whole life might have been different.
I think it is important to recognize that your daughter’s feelings are valid. Maybe that hurts, and maybe it doesn’t change the end result, but her feelings need to be honored. Just my opinion and I know many will disagree
Chances are if you brainstorm ways out of the commuting situation, she will feel better commuting anyway…
It is impossible for me to believe that she is the only student from her high school or even from her graduating class who will be commuting to the in-town option. There have to be other students in this situation, and if her high school was large and the university large as well, then the numbers could be in the hundreds. Even if by some chance she’s the only commuter now, she almost certainly won’t be by second semester as pals who went “away” to school drop out of the first place and move home, and pals who wanted to live on campus decide the dorm is too noisy and the food is lousy and they’d rather sleep in their own room and eat home cooking.
So, look around and find the other parents and kids in your situation. You are not alone. It just looks like that right now.
There are likely parent events at the school and if it’s just a bus ride away, go there. Any town with a good home-town instate school is going to have lots of commuters, both voluntary (kids who want to stay at home, parents who want them home) and practical (dorms are wildly expensive, food is bad, dorms are noisy, too many distractions on campus), etc. Our community college has lots of local commuters and some of them are very good students who just chose to stay home one year or two rather than commute further or stay in dorms.
I still think believing that on-campus housing is the minimum for anyone not well off is not practical or sensible. I am not even sure why we are using limited financial aid funds to have people live on campus, except if their family is not functional or if they are not served well by their local options (specialty major or well, Harvard material.
Seriously, housing is often prison quality and food is not as good as your average Paneras. Costs for both are really overly high. The activities fees cover gym and all the athletic and social events so commuters can participate in almost anything on campus.
I just typed in “commuter” on the search tab at my university. Although I have been here 15 years, I had no idea how many services there were for commuting students. If she lacks excitement, she may not be willing to attend their events and follow up on their suggestions, but as a parent in your situation (I am a single mother), I would be sure to know what opportunities there are on campus. Check out the “commuter services,” the general events calendar, the on campus jobs, sports event (women sports often have free game days, etc.
With any luck at all, she will get caught up in clubs, friends, or classes.
She has a 21 year old boyfriend who doesn't work or go to school. He dropped out after one semester. He jerked her around all summer to the point she had a total meltdown. He told her he needed a break, but called her, contacted her, wanted to see her. I feel that he's doing everything he can to sabotage her and she's buying right into it.
Is this a school of mostly commuters, or do most of the students live on campus? It makes a difference, because if she’s a commuter at a mostly residential school, she can make friends with people who live in dorms and hang out with them, maybe even have some overnights sleeping on someone’s floor, and still get the fun college experience she’s looking for. People say that commuter colleges have a very different vibe because most students have jobs, so they have to leave campus as soon as their classes are over and there are not as many clubs and fun things happening.
What is her intended major? Does she have hopes and plans for her eventual career or is she unsure of what she wants to do? Also, has she ever seemed excited about classes or about the part of college that’s about learning (rather than the fun experience)? She will be ripe for dropping out if she’s in the perfect storm of disappointment in her school, lack of interest in her classes, and boyfriend constantly there demonstrating that you can drop out of school after 1 semester and apparently still be OK several years later.
This is a really tough transition time for all our kids. Many kids who go away to their “dream school” and think they have everything they want, experience a real letdown and sometimes depression when it hits them that college isn’t what they thought it would be. Going away to school doesn’t magically fix things. Your daughter has to find a REASON to go to college – whether commuter or residential – and it has to be more than just “it’ll be fun!”
I echo dustypig to say that not everyone is excited about school. Some are excited, some are just putting on a show. And some are like deer in the headlights. They are taking on lots of new responsibilities, and many will struggle with new intellectual challenges.
My son is on campus hundreds of miles away, and I share some of your concerns about lack of excitement - coupled with very sparse communication. And I don’t have an issue like the boyfriend to worry about!
All I really want to say is, right now, thousands of parents are sharing your feelings of intense anxiety and uncertainty. For most of us, things will eventually shake out as our sons and daughters take control of their lives and figure out how to make it work. I think that the best we can do for our children, now young men and women, is to be as emotionally supportive as possible, and be prepared for the occasional lashing out at us, or silent treatment - or both.
I’m so sorry I wasn’t around to see these all weekend. My mother has been very sick and I spent the weekend going back and forth to the hospital. There are some excellent suggestions here and I appreciate all of them. It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one feeling anxious about this, and that not every kid is excited. I think she feels I’m on her back, but I intend to treat her like an adult . I told her that all I ask is that she lets me know if she’s not coming home. If she wants to crash in someone’s dorm room, have at it.
My boyfriend says he went through the same anxiety when all three of his went to college…and that he was worse than me. He also says that it turned out to be needless worry and a waste of energy. He seems to think she’ll be fine. He doesn’t like her boyfriend either and thinks she can’t dump him fast enough.
A little background. She will be attending a branch campus that is mostly commuter students, so she is hardly the only one. There is only room for 300 non-commuter students, and they are mostly out of state and international students. She did get financial aid, but it wasn’t enough to cover a dorm and no amount of finagling was going to make that happen. She screwed up her loan disbursement because she didn’t complete her entrance counseling. She spent 6 weeks wallowing and pining instead of doing what needed to be done. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s what happened. I even tried to do as much for her as I could even though it was her responsibility. Under the circumstances, it seemed like the right thing to do.
Everything was fine and she was on track to complete everything – on her own with no prompting or reminders from me. Then he broke up with her and my house was a living hell for 6 weeks. Imagine non-stop drama with someone turning everyone’s lives upside down and taking no responsibility for the havoc they’re causing. That was 24/7. They have been dating for 3 years and she did not take it well or handle it well at all. I tried to guide her through it as best I could, but it was awful watching her go through that. What he did, though was totally wrong and many adults would have had a tough time with it. I suggested that she go to counseling. She refused. She’s better than she was, but not all the way there yet.
The funny thing is, she went to orientation on Friday and had a great time. I haven’t seen her that happy in two months. She met several people including a couple who live nearby. All I heard the whole way home was how great this boy named Matt was. Afterwards, there was a boat ride on the river with freshmen from another branch campus. She didn’t get a ticket because she had made plans months ago (before she’d even decided where she was going to school) with the jerk for that night–they were going to New York for an event. On the way home she told me she wished she’d gone on the boat ride because she thought it would have been more fun. And she had a terrible time in NY. She talked about joining different clubs and how much there is going on. For the first time in 2 months she was excited about something.I almost cried with relief. She’s also an athlete so she’ll have that going on, too.
So, Friday night I was a little more at ease and felt a lot better. But tonight she acted like she didn’t care that she’s not getting her loan refund on time. Which means she can’t buy her books unless I front her the money. Right this minute I just want to strangle her. So, she has no book money, no transportation money, nothing and I did not budget for this additional expense. She doesn’t seem that worried about it.
I agree with you. We’re shooting for next year on campus, although I wouldn’t rule out off campus housing with a few other girls. She’ll be almost 20 by then and that might be an even better experience for her, not to mention a lot cheaper than dorms.
It was my daughter who made the final decision to commute. She knew it was out of my price range, and when she saw that she’d be saving $40,000 by living at home, to her it was a no brainer. She’s a business major so once she saw it on paper she made that decision right away.
She is really happy at school. Your work is done. Living on campus when you have a nice mom to live with and the overall environment is friendly to commuters would have just wasted 40K.
Assuming she hasn’t lost the money and is just waiting for a loan check, and that you can somehow afford to front her the money, give her the money to buy the books and get this whole college show on the road. Not buying books can lead to poor grades. She is only 19 and maybe doesn’t need the tough love thing, and you don’t need the drama either. Just make sure she understands this is the last time … and that part of going to school is doing the paperwork (lots of school progress is paperwork, get used to it).
Sounds like you picked the right school and that it will end the drama as well. BF knew this was coming, and was hoping he could badger and otherwise cajole her into staying with him. He needs to become an adult before entering his next relationship. Hopefully DD will understand the difference between this BF and the next one, who she hopefully will pick not for being great one day, but by spending time with several boys and seeing if they are decent human beings as well as being cute.
My advice is not timely as the decision has been made and it is too late.
I would make sure that she is at the different location than her boyfriend and actually living on campus. Sometime spending more money might be actually the cheapest way. I would be afraid, that college would not work for my kid at all, if she continues with the relationship that she is in right now. Distance break even good matching partners apart, I am sure, it would break your kid away from her current bf. Why he would let her go in the current convenient for him situation? I am sorry for being so negative, but I did not see any point in lying.
I don’t think an 18 year old’s boyfriend has that much power … I think a 18 year old getting ready for college is not always going to do everything they have to do, they are nervous, uncertain, conflicted, and this one had an abusive boyfriend who somehow was able to pester her daily. Wallowing and pining is probably part of transition from high school to college, my sunny D still seemed a bit low energy this summer.
Hopefully she will learn to stay away from jerks or jerky behavior. If she learned that this summer, that will save her a lot of grief and trouble later.
I think it is really likely that this BF’s power has already gone away. The ravings about cute boy, the wish to go out with pals, the bad time in NYC, I agree with momof2, it’s not going to last long.
I would make every effort to make it as easy as possible to spend time on campus rather than hanging out at home alone with BF sending text messages or whatever he does. Pick her up at school at 9pm or even 11pm, drive her there on weekends for a football game or whatever. Hopefully satellite campus has some fun activities would be rare if it didn’t. The kids who aren’t working will also be there looking for new friends, it’s a great time to socialize.
