<p>Agreed that a prospective student should have a bed to sleep in - but in our experience, they often don’t! When my oldest did a sleepover at Cornell some years ago, she was told to bring a sleeping bag. My middle d hosted a number of prospective students during her first two years at Vanderbilt, including when she was in a small single. If the kid wasn’t such a space management goddess, the visitors would have had to be on the floor. As it was, she fit a futon into her floorplan, so the visitors were as comfortable as someone could be on a $90 piece of Wal-Mart furniture. As a sophomore, she’d ask her roommate to sleep in a friend’s room when she was hosting, but that wasn’t always possible. So some of her guests did indeed sleep on the floor!</p>
<p>Carnegie Mellon has sleeping bag weekends. There aren’t any extra beds around. I’d never expect one. When he visited on accepted students weekend, he was one of five kids on sleeping bags in one of the campus apartments.</p>
<p>I would NOT push the overnight visit if your daughter is an introverted type.</p>
<p>A college overnight requires spending many consecutive hours in the company of total strangers, most likely extreme extraverts (because no introvert in his/her right mind would volunteer to host visiting prefreshmen). For an introvert, this is an exceedingly uncomfortable experience. Moreover, the situation usually involves sleeping on the floor, which is uncomfortable in its own way. And it may involve staying up very late at night (because the hosts – like most college students – do). For a high school student accustomed to a much earlier sort of schedule, this may add the discomfort of sleep deprivation to an already difficult experience.</p>
<p>If my introverted daughter had done a college overnight, she would probably have been so horrified by the experience that she would be commuting to State U and living at home right now. Instead, she’s doing well as a freshman at a school a seven-hour drive from home, living in a single room in a dorm. (She may have to live in a double next year, but by then she will have adjusted to the other aspects of college, and the prospect won’t seem quite so bad.)</p>
<p>A few other thoughts:</p>
<p>How far away from home does she gave to go to get what she’s looking for in terms of an academic program? If there’s a college within commuting distance (remember, she doesn’t HAVE to commute; she would merely have the choice) or a college within easy come-home-for-the-weekend distance that offers what she wants, it may end up being the ideal choice.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t push the idea of going far away for its own sake. If she can get what she needs while staying close to home, that may be the best thing for her.</p>
<p>Are there any current freshmen (either friends or relatives) that she could visit, maybe even stay with – even if it’s not at a school she is considering? </p>
<p>Other than that, I second what has been said above. Have her apply to different sorts of schools – at least one that is farther away, one that is an easy hop home for weekends, and one that would work as a commuter school.</p>
<p>I think every child starts to fear leaving home. We went through this with my daughter last year when things got bad with a boyfriend. Suddenly, she was all about living at home. This year, (senior year) she is no longer with the boyfriend, all her friends are applying, and she is excited about going away. But just the other day, she said that sometimes the whole thought makes her sad and scared.</p>
<p>I concur with the “live away, but close to home” suggestions.</p>
<p>If there’s a college within about an hour’s drive, the weekends don’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing.</p>
<p>Your child can come home and do laundry and touch base on Friday night, and be back for whatever is going on on Saturday night!</p>
<p>For the child that is inclined to come home, this arrangement keeps them more in with the college goings-on than when they come have a 3 hour drive, leading them to leave on Friday afternoon and not go back until Sunday PM.</p>
<p>As atamom said, the issue could be uncertainty about going to college, rather than simply not wanting to leave home. If it’s uncertainty about college, I would encourage the student to think of the application process as a way to hold open options. A large number of last year’s graduating seniors at my kids’ school applied to college but decided to take a gap year before enrolling. The counselors encourage all the kids to apply now, while the whole process is easy and they have access to counselors, recommendations, etc. Then they can request a deferral for a year or a semester if they want. This works at many LACs, but obviously not at big state schools. It might reassure your daughter to know that the application process doesn’t mean she has to go right away, but will have some time to get used to the idea.</p>
<p>^^My S2 is doing just that. He has applied to a couple of instate schools (3-4 hours away) but we are not throwing out the possibility of him going to Community College here. We have told him the best thing he can have is plenty of options. He’s not sure right now what he wants so hopefully by the spring he’ll have a clearer picture and options to choose from.</p>
<p>We have a big state u. 20 minutes away. Most of the students from our high school who go there and live on campus are still up here around town a lot. </p>
<p>S1 is at a state u. 3 hours away. So many kids from our high school go to the same school that he felt comfortable right away. Homesickness was never a problem because there were people from home everywhere but also thousands of new people to make friends with too. Maybe your D should consider a school where there would be some familiar faces to make her more at ease with the big transition to college.</p>
<p>Lots of kids are perfectly happy and successful not going away to college. While she may want o put together nice varied list in case she changes her mind, I wouldn’t make her feel “less” if she really wants to stay in the area.</p>
<p>Thank you so much to all of you. I appreciate all the excellent advice. So, at this point, I won’t encourage any overnights, I will listen and support and I will wait and see what happens in the Spring. I don’t think her fears are about college, as much as they are about the social scene. As I wrote before, she is the quiet and shy type. During last year many of her friends went off in different directions and she has been sort of isolated since then. I think the prospect of being away from home, not knowing anyone and not being the type of person who joins in easily is somewhat daunting for her.</p>
<p>Thanks again to you all.</p>
<p>Now that you’ve described her, I’d add that in addition to lookng for geographic diversity in your list of schools, try to fold in some diversity in “types of schools”, too. Some kids flower at a small liberal arts college, which might not have all the courses of the great university, but aren’t as overwhelming socially and emotionally. There are people to talk to at the administration level to solve problems re: housing, billing, etc. and she will feel less like a number. At a smaller school, they bump into some of the same students again and again all day, so it helps socially. While our older two weren’t introverted, they still found their happiness at schools with fewer than 2600 students. Just another consideration as you make up a list to visit. Good luck. She sounds lovely.
And to give you another long-view…I’m kinda sad that my 3 never want to be close to our town as graduates. They grew up so close and tight as sibs, and now they live in 3 different places (2 have graduated). Our heads are reeling. We knew this was coming…but I wish I had one “homebody” among the 3. Ah well, I’ll be the grandma on 3 planes someday. Count your blessings, no matter what!! :)</p>
<p>I don’t see why you shouldnt encourage overnights</p>
<p>What is the WORST thing that could happen at an overnight- she doesn’t have an amazing experience…on the other hand, it might be a good thing</p>
<p>The worst thing that could happen on an overnight is that she could decide, “If this is what going away to college is like, I don’t want to do it.”</p>
<p>If the student wants to do an overnight, that’s one thing. But shy, quiet people often don’t. An overnight is a sleepover with strangers. Shy people tend not to enjoy such situations.</p>
<p>It might be very difficult for a shy pre-freshman to separate out her unpleasant feelings about the “sleepover with strangers” aspect of the overnight from whatever feelings she might have about the particular college she’s visiting.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Marian.</p>
<p>I still remember the overnight I did at the university that I ended up attending, and it was so unpleasant, it’s amazing I chose to go there. My host basically ditched me, and I was a shy teen, who felt very alone for those 24 hours. I didn’t even have anyone to eat dinner or breakfast with.</p>
<p>For a very social kid, an overnight can be a blast. For a shy one, it can be a nightmare.</p>
<p>I’m not even very shy and I think the idea of sleeping in a room with strangers is a bit awkward. </p>
<p>Now that I think about it, I realize my son chose a school at which he did not do an overnight. Probably a good thing; that school has now ended its overnight program; I guess they lost more than they gained.</p>
<p>Staying in a dorm with a stranger, without your own stuff, without knowing what is expected of you–sounds like a recipe for a negative impression of a school that might actually be a good fit.</p>
<p>Does she have any friends from high school who are new freshman this fall? It might help her to visit kids that she knows who are enjoying their collegiate experience.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say not to stress until acceptances come in. Have her apply to a range of colleges with the assurance that it is her decision. When the stress of being accepted is off she may feel differently. Or she may not.</p>
<p>My S chose a school four hours away over one he’d have to take a plane to for just that reason I think. It’s a great school. My daughter goes to school two hours away, but she’s still away at school.</p>
<p>Some kids set out to see another part of the country; some don’t. </p>
<p>Some of my kids’ friends go to state u just four miles from our town. Some live there; some don’t. These are very high achieving kids with fantastic interests. Just what worked for them.</p>
<p>My son did six overnights–they definitely had an impact. He chose a school where he did do an overnight–but he did them at all of his final choices. It could be pretty random what they encounter, but it probably isn’t false. The challenge is–is your host representative–is that snapshot representative? But your kid will end up with a roommate usually. I thought it would be nice if he got practice dealing with something random.</p>
<p>seriouslly, do we want to shield our kids from all potential not perfect experiences?</p>
<p>what may be helpful about an overnight, is that the student can see that their worst fears or what could happen, will if they are ditched, they still lived through it!!</p>
<p>its like going in for an interview, we have posters here who are terrified of interviews, but once they do a couple they see that nothing horrible happened</p>
<p>at some point this student will need to be alone, need to rely on herself, need to put herself in an uncomfortable situation</p>
<p>shyness stems from fear- and it will never change until a person realizes that most fears are unfounded, and that nothing horrible will happen- maybe some unpleasentness, but do we always expect everything to be perfect</p>
<p>getting through something that isn’t ideal and coming out the other side makes most people stronger, and go wow, I did that and I am okay</p>
<p>I see these parents with their kids at Halloween or at the store, and the kid is hiding, and the parents, go well she is shy…and the kid is shaking, tense, nervous and not having much fun</p>
<p>I understand the “quiet and shy” personallity, but there is something to be said for at least trying something out of your comfort zone, because that is what life will require and often formally really shy people who have done just that find it easier each and every time the take that step</p>
<p>just some thoughts</p>
<p>I am not saying push to go away to school, or that there is anything wrong or bad about staying close to home not that</p>
<p>I am however, wondering why we as parents almost demand that each experience be pre ordained to be perfect for our kids</p>
<p>Most likely an overnight will be fine, but if its not perfect, well, life is messy and imperfect, so long as they are safe, we can’t control everything and we need to help our kids be more reliant on themselves and to get through a not so ideal situation</p>
<p>my D was stuck at an airport in england for 14 hours…it was quite the global mess, but she was calm, figured out how to pass the time, watched and felt darn good when all was said and done</p>
<p>would I have wanted that? no way, but it is a chance you take when travelling and exploring and checking things out that stuff can get messed up, that people will be annoying, that plans will fall through, that is what makes people’s characters- how they through the rough moments, not how they get through the perfect times</p>
<p>I’m all for having a heart-to-heart with child. My g/f sent one child 2000 miles away, and the other attends local college. They shyer one never considered going far from home. My g/f sent her child 2 hours away, but after a year, the girl is transfering to local and living at home.</p>
<p>My S only did admitted students sleeping bag visits. If he hadn’t applied at last minute, there were some schools were he could have arranged with older HS friend to visit. Staying with strangers has some risks. When a teen attends the prefrosh weekend, they have activities and a chance to see how they feel about their peer group.</p>
<p>Someday, I would like to see a thread in which people encourage highly social, extraverted kids to spend several days entirely on their own, with no people to talk to or social events to participate in, just to help them get over their fear of being by themselves. </p>
<p>After all, there will be situations in life where they will have to cope with being alone and not socializing, such as, for example, during periods of heavy studying for college exams.</p>
<p>Of course, such an experience would be way outside of the kid’s comfort zone, but doing things out of one’s comfort zone is how kids learn to deal with life.</p>