<p>Hi,
my d. is a HS senior this year. We've been to see quite a few colleges and now that the process is becoming more of a reality, she is expressing some discomfort about going away from home. I have tried to encourage her to visit a campus overnight and see what the experience is like, but she is hesitant to do that as well. So, what do we do? I think going away would be a good experience for her, however, I am trying to figure out what is best for her and I really don't know. Do many kids get cold feet around now? How do they get past it? How do I help her with this decision - or do I back off entirely???????????<br>
Your words of wisdom are welcome! Thanks.</p>
<p>Has she spent much time away from home before?
At friends or camp?
How has she done on school trips?</p>
<p>It might help to learn if this anxiety is new or if she just hasn't had the experience to spend much time away from home before</p>
<p>From what I've heard from friends, it's completely normal. I mean, think about what a huge step this is: for many kids (including myself), going off to college will be the first time that they have to live by themselves (excluding summer programs). Talk about scary!</p>
<p>This would be my suggestion: get her to stay at a college overnight on the premise that you'll be at a hotel in the town. She'll still be on her own and see that it's not so bad, but she'll have the comfort of you being there.</p>
<p>Or get her to go with a couple friends who are interested in the college as well. This wasn't ever really a problem for me in going to my many summer programs, but hey, everyone's different! I hope I was of some help. <3 And tell your daughter for me:</p>
<p>GO '08!!!!</p>
<p>Well, definitely do an overnight for her (and maybe a girlfriend, too, so she's not alone). </p>
<p>But, if she really doesn't want to go away for the first year, are there any colleges nearby which interest her? Even for a semester?</p>
<p>She has not really spent a lot of time away from home. She did go to summer camp - but the stay was never more than 2 weeks. However, she always went off very willingly, open to trying new experiences, even when she didn't know anyone else attending. I think she is overwhelmed with all the choices she thinks she has to make now (which school, which major ( I know she doesn't have to choose yet, but try convincing her!)</p>
<p>She is sort of the shy quiet type and I think she is intimidated by being off on her own. I do like the stay in a hotel suggestion - thanks. I am open to, and appreciative of, all of your ideas and suggestions.</p>
<p>Have your daughter apply to both local and distant colleges. She will mature a great deal between now and next May. She does not have to decide until next May and has plenty of time to give it some thought on her own. No need to make an issue of it now. She will have a better idea if she is ready or not by then. Some kids just need more time before they leave. Nothing wrong with that and it is nice to have them around a bit longer.</p>
<p>Our D wanted to go to a college 3 states away, but was always unsure about being that far from home. The money was in, dorm assignment guaranteed, and the last weekend in April she changed her mind. She was just terrified at the thought of leaving home, wanted community college and live at home. We comprised, she attends a four year college 1 hour from home and lives on campus (luckily we had not sent her decline in). She has come home for part or all of every weekend so far. She cried the first 2 weeks when she went back, now it is "See ya next weekend." She likes the school, and says she has no plans to go far away from home while in college, so I guess I will save a whole lot of money with her not taking a semester abroad. Good luck, I know in our house it was very stressful for her and me.</p>
<p>^Perfect explanation. </p>
<p>Or, put her in touch with someone who has stayed in a dorm before. I stayed in the dorms at SDSU this summer, and it was an absolute BLAST. Get her in touch with someone her own age who can show her there's nothing to be afraid of.</p>
<p>Does she have a list of colleges that she has been considering? Did she initially include schools away from home on her own self-generated list? Along with schools to which she could commute? </p>
<p>If she did, then I would just be a "listener." Her feelings are normal and not to be dismissed. Suggest that she include schools she has always thought she would like, but now might be a bit hesitant about, and she does not have to make any decisions until many months from now.</p>
<p>Students, some of them, change a LOT between now and April. I would not make a big deal about it now. If she is interested in an overnight at this point, great. If not, I personally wouldn't push it. (I don't disagree, really, with those who suggest it, but just think it might not be necessary right now, and might not be wise - imagine if she gets a bad host, etc.).</p>
<p>It's good that she can express her worries to you. I think all of our kids worried at this stage. Would they get in anywhere? Would they get in to their favorites? Would they be able to handle being away from home? Even the most independent of them likely some such nagging anxiety.</p>
<p>There is plenty of time for visits later on in the process, even after acceptance, which might even be best for her. She will know the school wants her. She can visit just to try it on for size and see if she wants them, without the anxiety of wondering if she'll even have that chance. There will be many others there at that same time in that same place with those same feelings. And lots of activities to market the school to the admits and help them feel comfortable.</p>
<p>How far from home are the schools you've been looking at so far? From a financial standpoint, would you be able to visit her once or twice every term? What if the trip is a flight away? I am not at all prone to homesickness, but I still see my parents one during the quarter and then in between terms (such as during Christmas). </p>
<p>Right now, just concentrate on not limiting her choices. Consider schools that are closer and farther from home. Look at schools in familiar cities that are away from home, such as a city where a favorite aunt lives. Talk to your daughter about what she's nervous about and what kinds of options she has. For now, though, just wait and keep all the doors open. </p>
<p>I wouldn't necessarily push an overnight. I only did one overnight, and I really didn't like it. Overnight visits can be good or bad, but for an already nervous child a bad visit may have far-reaching consequences.</p>
<p>Oh, jmmom, don't get me wrong, I'm VERY nervous. And I'll be an hour and a half plane ride away if I go to my 1st choice. </p>
<p>Like I said, it's plenty normal to get nervous.</p>
<p>Some kids are just not ready to go far from the nest right after high school. I had a chance to go to school 2 time zones away, but chose to live at home and go to school. Just not ready...</p>
<p>Don't worry...I did move away from home after graduating from college!</p>
<p>^Also completely normal. My sister is currently living and home and going to Community College. We're (obviously) polar opposites, I don't know how we came from the same parents.</p>
<p>And my brother didn't go to college at all.</p>
<p>I echo that it's a long time until May 1st. Make sure she applies to schools near and far to keep her options open. Then I suggest she visit an away school overnight after apps are in but before decisions are mailed; it won't be as stressful as it will be during that month of final decision making. </p>
<p>If she has any friends who go to a nearby school and live in the dorms, even that would be a good experience. Even if it's not a school she's considering, if she could stay in the dorm and "live" on campus for a weekend, it would give her a good feel for what dorm life is like and perhaps allay her fears. Or maybe it would help her realize that she's not ready to leave the nest just yet. Nothing wrong with either scenario.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I agree with the advice to include schools both near and far, as she may mature a lot over the next few months. On the other hand, she might be like my nephew. He decided on a school about 3 1/2 hours from home early in the decision process, but never seemed excited about moving away from home. Throughout the summer, his parents commented that he was very unexcited about the prospect of starting college, unlike my son, the same age. Sure enough, he despised everything about his college from the moment he set foot on campus, and wouldn't even try to find anything good about it. On his own, he has arranged to transfer to a small private school in his hometown for second semester, managed a lot of merit awards to make up the tuition difference, and will live at home second semester.</p>
<p>I regret encouraging him to go away to school in the first place. He knew what he wanted, but everyone else (including auntie) thought they knew better.</p>
<p>About the overnight stay in a dorm: I'd be very careful about this. I have heard more negative stories than positive ones about dorm stays. My son had one in which he shared a small room with a guy and his girlfriend. Ahem. (He didn't mind.)</p>
<p>How a senior feels in the fall may have no relation to what happens next summer. S kept repeating that he "didn't want to go to college." It wasn't so much the going away-- He just didn't know what he wanted to study and wasn't really convinced that most freshman enter college "undecided." (Mostly he was hoping we were gonna let him stay home and play video games). Fast forward to the following August--he got on the plane to a far away college and had a fine freshman year.</p>
<p>Just get the applications in and she'll probably warm up to the idea of going away. Find out if there is something about the "dorm life" that worries her, does she think she'd be more comfortable at home, not want to deal with roomies, the thought of missing parents/sibs/friends/pets etc.--what exactly is it that bothers her? Does she want to go to a school that is nearby so she could come home on a weekend if she wanted to? Talking about all these things will help you find the best college/living situation for her--just reassure her that most seniors feel unsure about leaving home--but they do, and most do fine anyway.</p>
<p>A lot of kids start out in 9th grade bragging about how far away from home they intend going, but as reality, and 12th grade happens, they often change their minds.</p>
<p>In the end it doesn't matter. A kid does not have to be 1000 miles from home to soar, and grow and become independent. Even 50 miles is far enough. It's up to the student usually, how often they actually meet family. They tend to get so involved with school, studies, roomies, activities, that there is not much time to visit home.</p>
<p>Now, does your daughter actually talk about living at home and being a commuter student? Many who make that choice find it hard to fit in with the student body that lives on campus.</p>
<p>The only thing I can say is apply to one school really close by, just so she feels like there's a net for her, and then apply everywhere else.</p>
<p>I agree with midmo about the overnight dorm stay. My D was actually put off by her overnight visit, by all the frat parties, alcohol etc. That's because she saw a sliver of life that night. She now loves the same school, cannot imagine herself anywhere else, and has yet to have a drink, even as a 3rd year.</p>
<p>I think that it's nice that your D is communicating her thoughts and feelings with regard to the going away to college process. By taking her cues as being important and giving moral support, she might find it easier to make a decision with regard to whether or not she would rather stay close to home. It sounds like you're already giving positive feedback, because your lines of communication are open, and it's ok to take one step at a time.</p>
<p>A close friend's daughter did not get into the school she wanted to go to (Brown) but got into all the others she applied to. She started saying she didn't want to go to college that year. Her freshman year was miserable -- the people were not interesting, everybody only wanted to drink, ... She called home at least once a day. We suggested to her parents early on that she take the year off. They thought she should try. She did, but they now agree that the year off would have been better for her.</p>
<p>I had the same feeling after finishing college. I got in to the best grad school in my field and by the summer just didn't want to go. I think I was burned out from working really hard in college and sensed that it wasn't the right program for me. I left after the first year, worked for a year, and started again at my second choice school the following year.</p>
<p>I don't know if the source of your daughter's anxiety, but if she is feeling burned out, then maybe a year off would be a good idea. </p>
<p>Life is not a race (or if it is, taking a year off will not matter for the way the race is judged).</p>
<p>I also stayed nearby at a hotel when my D did overnight one stay, only because it was made necessary by the realities of the long roadtrip; we couldn't drive all that way and back in a single day. Usually, tho, we both stayed in a hotel (fun, see below) and toured by day.</p>
<p>If there's an approved overnight AND she wants to (not essential), you as the Mom have a built-in reason to stay at the hotel. You can always book the "standard room, 2 double beds" so if she's not interested in the overnight, or even decides midway through she's in a "spot" she can't handle, worse comes to worse she can cell-call you and get picked up at 4 a.m., not much different than an at-home sleepover situation.</p>
<p>The schools we visited either had APPROVED hosts vetted by the Admissions Department, or outright didn't allow overnights. There are many reasons for a school to disallow overnight stays. One is: it's a crapshoot how the evening is perceived by a prefreshman!. Another: their first responsibility is to the registered students. I always had the impression that students behave better if there's a "prospie" (prospective student) on someone's floor, but maybe the dynamics are different and they show off? Who knows. For all these reasons, it's legitimate for you and your D to decline an overnight even it's possible.
ANd surely don't send her on an overnight if the college disallows it. I'm a stickler that way (insurance, etc.). If she isn't there with the college's agreement all signed in for the night, then she doesn't belong there overnight.<br>
I know some students just "go and stay with someone they know from high school" but I always went by the college's rules. Our D had a great experience with a hosted overnight at one LAC and ended up going there; it was one of a hundred reasons she liked the place, so it just confirmed her observations made during the daytime. </p>
<p>I've heard about a kid who was accepted and then took an overnight in April, and it so upset him he didn't know what to do. I think he just saw some behaviors, typical to dorms, that he wasn't ready to handle. </p>
<p>All in all, there's something to be said for waiting until Freshman Orientation to ever sleep in a dorm! By then, the newness would be shared by many, with Resident Advisor to talk to and so on.</p>
<p>More important than the overnight is simply to go walk around the campus by day and have a GREAT mom/daughter bonding trip. We loved our college visits, getting away from the household pressures. It's exciting and fun to stay in a hotel together, see the town as well as the college, have breakfast in bed (we always pulled in the coffee from the hotel place into our rooms). Bond and have fun on a college trip. Stop into an antique shop along the way.
Make the college visit just one part of a great 48 hour (or whatever) trip together. Have ice cream! That'll get her started.</p>
<p>EDIT: when I mentioned overnights staying on floors, I think one rule for the Approved hosts is that there is a spare bed in a same-gender room somewhere near them. I figure the college-approved host is not bizarre in terms of domestic habits. Anyway, she shouldn't have to sleep on any floors with an approved assigned overnight!</p>