<p>Hi baseballmom ... to me your daughter sounds quite typical and a lot like what I expect from my second kid (hopefully he will surprise me). A lot of good advice has been given so far ... in our house we'll probably take a different more hands off approach. Similar to you we will offer to discussion colleges, create lists, visit schools, etc ... however if our kids do want to / or can not get going that is their call ... and we'll let them live with their actions. That said we will be real clear of the consequences of those decisions. If they apply to school we will pay "X" dollars per year (and "X+Y" dollars for schools we deem worthy of the extra investment). If they do not go to college we expect them to have a plan ... a gap year doing something useful that starts by fall (CITY year, travel abroad on their dime, etc), get a job by fall (no bucks from us by then), live at home but paying rent + doing own chores + living by our social rules or get an apartment. You don't have to go to school but you do have to take responsibiity for your life starting in the fall. Hopefully, that hard decision point will lead to some solid decisions ... or the crappy existence after the botched decision point will lead to better decisions for next year.</p>
<p>
[quote]
She has repeatedly told me she wished there was a job where you read all day. I told her she could be an editor, but she said she would only want to read good books!
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I actually had this job for a while, reading screenplays for producers, & later for distributors. Okay, many of them were pretty crappy-- but if a script was awful, you could skim it. If you are a reasonably fast reader and good at writing quick synopses, this is agreat entry level job in the film biz. I wound up writing screenplays for about ten years till babies prompted my retirement.</p>
<p>Remind your daughter that many, many kids graduate from college and STILL don't know what they want to do with their lives. She should use college years as a time to discover her passions. She sounds like she'd enjoy majoring in literature, like I did. I picked Lit 100% because I loved to read. </p>
<p>I think it's okay to major in what you love with no specific career in mind. Focusing on doing what she loves and reserving the right to change her mind will probably make the whole thing less daunting.</p>
<p>Be sure she is aware that her friends who are applying to multiple colleges will have a selection of choices in April, while doing a single application to Montana will leave her with very few options. (I compare it to going shopping for a car and finding just one model available) The November/Decmber process is all about having the best selection of choices come April.</p>
<p>My son agreed to do one application for Mom's choice school and one for Dad's choice school among his 8. He was accepted at both and didn't go to either one, but we knew they would have been good options for him, and it relieved that nagging pressure all around.</p>
<p>baseballmom - </p>
<p>my d's interest level in applications and the entire process increased this fall once she became involved in getting teacher recs from her favorite teachers. those same teachers have shown interest in the process. this i believe has helped in a big way. </p>
<p>think phone calls from reps. from admissions offices have also been helpful........it's their way of communicating interest in her. when kids don't hear from admissions offices........those schools are out of sight and out of mind. </p>
<p>baseballmom-are any of the schools your d visited showing interest in her? </p>
<p>maybe your d could visit some smaller schools...........schools that may show interest in her in return. has Montana contacted her recently? are there some much smaller schools in your area that your d could visit? would she like to stay close to home rather than go far away to school?</p>
<p>I agree with 1down2togo. Applying to Montana, and a few other good choices, doesn't mean she has to attend any of them, or even go to college at all -- it just gives her options next spring. I am generally in favor of letting kids experience the natural consequences of their decisions, but the college process is too big to let things just fall where they may. Like a toddler who goes ballistic when he/she can't decide what to have for lunch, sometimes it helps to give kids a few choices. "You can go to college A, B, or C, and here are the steps you has to take to get there." There is so much information about all of the colleges out there that I think she's probably overwhelmed. She also sounds like a thoughtful, creative girl and all the choices just make it difficult to do anything -- maybe she's just thrashing.</p>
<p>My very high-achieving, motivated, ambitious son really needed the occasional kick start during senior year. At only 17, there are so many things you don't know; and the time between fall of senior year and freshman year of college is a time of major growth and change. But I would be very hesitant about leaving it all up to her -- as parents, I think we do sometimes know what's best for our kids. And I think it's fine to go to college unsure of your goals -- that's what distribution requirements are for. But to let her slide into next year without any plans seems to be a big mistake to me.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the insightful advice. I'm out the door to pick up DD to take her to a doc appt. Carolyn, I'll mention the depression possibility to the doc so she can ask D a few questions to hopefully rule that out.</p>
<p>I think I'll leave D with a check for her Montana application. And, no, Montana doesn't require an essay for regular, but may for the honors college (in case D feels inspired put in the extra effort to apply to the honors college!). D has been working on her essay for over a year with her AP English teacher, so we'll put it to use on another college. Ok, I hope there'll be another college! I'm taking this one day at a time. :)</p>
<p>SBMom, you never told us you wrote screenplays, did you? When's the cc movie coming out:)</p>
<p>btw, "undecided" IS a major (at least for a year or so)</p>
<p>apologies if this point has been made; I have not fully read every post</p>
<p>alu-- Problem: I have not been able to figure out how to make a bunch of 50-ish people sitting on their sofas in pjs with bifocals & laptops sufficiently compelling & cinematic! If there are any ninjas out there in CC land, that would be a big help! </p>
<p>However, I think I could sell CC to Lifetime. ;)</p>
<p>SBMom. LOL. That reminds me. I really ought to get bifocals. The drugstore Dean Edell glasses can only take on so far.</p>
<p>Thought. Perhaps if one of us volunteered to explode loudly we could make cc sellable?</p>
<p>baseballmom,
The situation you're facing is very common (there's even been a thread about this very topic, but of course I don't remember what it's called). Your challenge is to become a consultant. What worked for us was to propose one (half-hour-hour) meeting per week where we discuss college/applications/etc. One parent poster who used this technique did one better and served home-made cookies at the meeting. In this way, you can let go of nagging at all other times, and your daughter can relax.<br>
The goal of this meeting is to get "hired" by your daughter to assist her in the process. Your job description could be helping her brainstorm what she wants in a college, or who to seek recs from, or figuring out a timeline, etc. Main point is to do nothing more than she wants you to do for her.<br>
This process is so hard that my husband and I chose him to be the consultant (I was more likely to get overly involved).
For many (maybe most) students this topic is very anxiety provoking. It's easy to overlook just how hard it can be for these students to make such a big decision.</p>
<p>My son doesn't really know where he wants to go & we told him he could apply widely & we'll see where he gets in, what money he's offered & where he finally ends up. He is interested in several privates that we said he can TRY for & hope for the best. No guarantees of funding if he gets into many of the schools he's interested in, but I told him to please be sure to have some financial safeties!</p>
<p><for many="" (maybe="" most)="" students="" this="" topic="" is="" very="" anxiety="" provoking.="" it's="" easy="" to="" overlook="" just="" how="" hard="" it="" can="" be="" for="" these="" make="" such="" a="" big="" decision.=""></for></p>
<p>It's surprising that any of us who read some of the student's threads on this might forget this, but we do. So many issues are involved with choosing a college... leaving home, parents, friends, teams, jobs... their whole lives as they know them. Figuring out what they even want in a school is hard, and add to that the real possibilty they can't have it once they figure it out, well...I'm amazed that they come through it as well as they do.</p>
<p>I probably will get some flack for this but if I were you I might ask her if she wanted you to fill out the application. If she already has an activity sheet it should be fairly easy. I would not suggest it for one that required an essay. But some of these state schools are quite simple with mainly check off the box answer and could easily be done in under an hour. Sometimes it helps start the fire if she can just get that one out of the way. Especially since it isn't out of laziness that she isn't doing them.</p>
<p>Baseballmom, This is not meant as a criticism, but perhaps as a statement which might be useful to someone beginning the process. I suspect that starting to discuss college as a family with freshman may have been too soon. I think kids get burnt out from the stress of thinking of college, and your daughter has had nearly four years of this already. If it's possible, maybe a college-speak-free (i.e. no talk of college) week or whatever period works might be a good idea, in order for her to rest up from talking/thinking about it.</p>
<p>We faced the same issue with our eldest daughter. She was barely seventeen when she graduated from highschool and was simply too young. In retrospect we would have been better to let her do what she wanted to do in the first place--stay out a year. Why don't you urge your daughter to consider deferred admission and let her figure it out?</p>
<p>
[quote]
My gut tells me that she's terrified of growing up.
[/quote]
I think you know what the root problem is, so the best question is what's the next step? I'm not sure that forcing her to apply <em>somewhere</em> just to have it done is the right step. Ideally she'd approach this stage in her life with excitement (mixed in with trepidation, of course). But she's not, and I don't think that waking up in a dorm room next September is going to magically change things. She's dragging her feet on apps, on visits, on doing prep work for the SAT, etc. She's doing everything she can to tell you she's not ready, and I think at some level you realize it.</p>
<p>A gap year or two sounds like the best solution here. I think carolyn said things better than I can.</p>
<p>I was really shocked when I got to the part where you reveal your daughter is a boarding school student. As opne myself, I have no peers who wqant to delay college other than those with a very specific EC plan they are really excited about.</p>
<p>So since fear of leaving home is not the issue, I suspect there is a real issue you need to get to the bottom of. Really talk at Thanksgiving break to see if you can get to the bottom of this.</p>
<p>ok, so the Doc says she is not depressed, which is a relief. I've talked to several parents of "regular" (defined by me as non-high achievers) kids in the past few days who report similar behavior, so now I'm inclined to be less worried.</p>
<p>Drugs and alcohol have also been ruled out. I may just give her some slack and try to have a chat over the Thanksgiving break...</p>
<p>Does your BS offer PG year? Sometimes students of this type do a PG year and it all works to the best.</p>