Daughter won't talk about college. What to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>Last year my D had very mixed feelings about the transition of leaving all the familiar friends, her territory, & her family and launching into new adult life. (BTW she has always had trouble with transitions.) Essentially, Senior Year is one enormous, extended, 365-day transition! It is a rough year for a kid like mine. </p>

<p>If your D is similar she may just be shutting down due to the "neither here nor there" stress of this whole year and all the decisions one must make that basically feel like leaping into the void.</p>

<p>I was a kid who LIKED leaping into the void-- but my D was one who absolutely HATED it.</p>

<p>I suggest when you hang out that you do lots of reflecting her feelings back to her-- no agenda to push her forward. Try to get at what the roadblock is rather than trying to get her over it. </p>

<p>This is sort of counseling-speak. You just try to rephrase what your D just said to clarify the underlying feeling she is experiencing; if you don't quite get it right then she will generally refine it for you. </p>

<p>example:</p>

<p>D: Mom, I don't want to talk about it.
M: You're just sick of the whole thing.</p>

<p>D: No it that this intensity is driving me crazy
M: You are tired of the pressure</p>

<p>D: Well I have no idea what to do!
M: You feel forced to make big decisions with scanty information</p>

<p>D: And I'm not going to!
M: You refuse to go forward till you know what you want.</p>

<p>etc etc etc.</p>

<p>It works remarkably well if you just try to hear the foundation of what is being said and offer it back (neutrally) to show she is really being listened to and heard.</p>

<p>I had a conversation like this about a year ago with foot dragging D and she coughed up being crazy in love with someone, not wanting to leave him :eek:! Who knew?!?</p>

<p>Good luck to you-- ray of hope is that after the senior year from hell, my D is elated at her college and has ZERO homesickness!!</p>

42

<p>
[quote]
I had a conversation like this about a year ago with foot dragging D and she coughed up being crazy in love with someone, not wanting to leave them ! Who knew?!?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>AND............you have left us hanging.</p>

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<p>He's long gone, thank God!</p>

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<p>hehehehehe[10 characters]</p>

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<p>Just watched the movie "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" last night and "saw" my own daughter on the screen! That would be girl visiting Greece who is frightened to death of taking the risk of falling in love!</p>

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<p>I really wonder if this actually represents a child who has been away from her parents for 4 years of her very young life, and would just like to be around them for awhile. Is this such a bad thing? I wholeheartedly agree with Carolyn and SBMom on this one (although, I admit, I usually do agree with Carolyn). Do NOT fill out any forms for your daughter. Reflect all of her statements back to her to show that you empathize and to help her clarify her thought. Perhaps staying home with Mom for a year, working (paying rent to you), and attending a few classes at community college would be the best option!</p>

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<p>Not applying to colleges on the usual timetable wouldn't be that serious. Sitting around for a semester while her friends are starting college might motivate her to apply for second semester. Or she could go to CC. Or get a job. She might be more motivated as well as having a better idea of what she wants to do after a semester or a year off. Just lay out some ground rules for her now, so that if she does not go to college she will not have the option of lying around the house watching TV.</p>

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<p>Sometimes kids like this who visit their friends at college sparks an interest. I'd say that two options exist. If she does apply explain that she can defer her matriculation. I think that many kids think applying equates to attending.</p>

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<p>"I really wonder if this actually represents a child who has been away from her parents for 4 years of her very young life, and would just like to be around them for awhile."</p>

<p>This is possible, but my fairly extensive experience with boarding school kids is that they are NOT anxious to return to the nest! Most of them, in fact, are eager to experience something different in some way from both home AND the boarding school. After 1 year (junior) at Interlochen in northern Michigan, my daughter swore she would never come back to Texas for college. During the senior year college process (including audition trips) it turned out Rice was the best fit and her "dream school". So- we got her back (well, at least only 4 hours away). WildChild has been away 5 years, and I think he is seriously wondering if any college in the US is too close to us, his loving family!</p>

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<p>I think some of the pressure here kids often feel may be fear of failure. Some kids, especially the bright ones who know they have underachieved, fear they may not get in where they really want to go, and know they may finally have to accept responsibility for choices not to study. Some also are winging it in high school and hear tales about how you cannot do that procrastination thing as easily in college. (I have one of those.) Don't know if this rings true for you, BBmom, and if not, just ignore, but I think I am seeing it in one of mine!</p>

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<p>"WildChild has been away 5 years, and I think he is seriously wondering if any college in the US is too close to us, his loving family!"</p>

<p>While my daughter never attended boarding school, she did spend six weeks before her Senior year at a pre-college program, and loved the freedom/independence. After that, I told people she was going to apply at either "University of Somewhere Far Away" or (in the winter time) "University of Somewhere Warm". She ended out six hours away -- in Illinois, which is warmer than Michigan, but not much.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Perhaps staying home with Mom for a year, working (paying rent to you), and attending a few classes at community college would be the best option!

[/quote]
Be careful about attending community colleges. This can prevent you from enrolling as a freshman at some state schools. For example, the entire UC system in CA. You can enter the UC system either as a frosh or a junior, and if you've taken any classes at a college once out of HS (except for the summer session between HS and college) they make clear you cannot apply as a frosh applicant.</p>

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<p>Coming from a students prespective:</p>

<p>During my time in High School college really never came up. It was not something I really thought much about, and honestly never talk much with my parents about it. When I left High School I went across town to the local CC and decided that I'd get myself by with a 3.0 GPA, and then head over to the local CSU. That had basically been the plan from about the time I started High School, there was no quesiton about it.</p>

<p>Well something happened while I was at the CC. After my first semester I decided that I did not want to go to the local CSU (in my case Northridge). I told my parents after the Fall semester that I wanted to go to UCLA. Well both of them were shocked considering that I was never exactly the "student type." I mean I had held my own in High School (I graduated with a 3.2 GPA) but had always been painfully lazy. However after a great Fall semester at my CC (first time I saw a 4.0 GPA on something regarding me!) I very quickly got serious about school.</p>

<p>Two years later and I'm at UCLA (and should be writting a paper now, but AM being lazy) and could not be happier. I know that the CC route is considered a nightmare around here, but I don't think it was that bad of an idea. That two years at the CC really helped my self-confidence, and showed me that I could compete with the smart kids. Anyways just some throughts from somebody who was also uninterested in college.</p>

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<p>Allena - Thanks for sharing your "getting fired up" story. Your parents must be proud of you and your journey to self-discovery. Happy endings are so neat.</p>

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<p>Update: D's U Montana app was posted last Monday. Now she's working on the app to UM's honors college. At least we got one out the door! Thanks for all the advice. I hope I'll be adding her to the list of acceptances soon.</p>

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<p>That's great baseballmom. I think the first one must be the hardest one to complete and send off.</p>

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<p>My son is being very stubborn & says that he can ignore the preferred ap dates for the colleges & will just apply on HIS timetable. I mentioned that this may make a BIG difference on merit aid & he ignored me. <sigh></sigh></p>

<p>Oh well, maybe it is meant for him to attend local U & transfer (or gap)--we'll have to wait & see.</p>

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<p>Good work, BBmom! Some kids just work better with deadlines facing them. Seems to be the case here, at last, though the deadline is Thursday, and I will believe it done when I see it!</p>

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<p>Finally! My son got 7 out of his eight off. The last one has another essay but a pretty late cut-off date so I think he's doing pretty well. Transcripts, rec's and SAT's/ACT's all in as well. Yay! Who's up for worrying about if the right schools were applied to now? And maybe another school? Ursinus is sending him almost daily mail and an offer of a priority application and they give everyone a free laptop! oh, right he really doesn't want to go there....</p>

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<p>Kathiep, LOL! My daughter had a meltdown over the weekend, decided not to apply to two schools that had been on her list since last year, and is now adding two others that she never looked at before now. So, I'm with you. What a rollercoaster. :)</p>