Abandoning all classes the whole semester would result in a 0.0 GPA.
I agree with @DeeCee36 that you should NOT be “staying on top” of your daughter. She’s in college and it’s no longer your job to do so. She needs to learn to stay on top of herself.
So I will amend my earlier recommendation. I would STILL let her remain in college, but give it to her straight: It is YOUR responsibility to get yourself together. We will NOT be reminding you about deadlines and studying. We are taking the hands off approach we had in your first semester. If your grades don’t improve it’s clear you’re not ready for college. This is totally ON YOU.
Then let the chips fall where they may. Though of course my hope for all of you is that she gets it - and gets herself together. Many, many students in her position do turn it around. But her turn around should not – I repeat, should not! – be dependent on your supervision.
@ucbalumnus “Virtually” all…meaning some studying, but not meaningful
It’s okay to stay on top of your daughter during this crucial second semester, but that does not include communicating with her professors.
I have 5 kids and here is my feedback – don’t suggest she use you for paper editing - like you say there are ample resources at school, you will just end up being in a combative position with her otherwise.
Also, I would likely be more results oriented in my list such as no F or D grades, no more than 2 Cs or a certain overall GPA for the semester. Your list leaves too much too interpretation - ie who says what is significant improvement?
I tried hard not to get into the why it happened with my daughter. It just caused argument.
She said she tried her best and didn’t party too much. I simply said it doesn’t matter, if you tried your best and 1.6 is the best you have then that is not the right place for you, if you partied and didn’t study after doing poorly the first semester and still didn’t have the discipline/maturity to do better than 1.7, its not the right place for you. SAME RESULT.
She needs to own the how, you can suggest help on the how but I highly advise a result orientation
It all depends upon why all this happened. For instance, if one’s child (and these examples are not YOUR child) is failing because they are having their first schizophrenic break, you bring them home, get them treatment, and get them in school locally while living at home until they’re totally stable. And if it’s because, say, one’s child has ADHD, and decided that they no longer needed their medication, and failed, you bring them home, get them back on their meds, get them in counseling to help them to understand that they need their meds, and have them live at home and go to school locally, until they’re totally stable. Or say it’s because your child has developed a chronic physical illness, like lupus, and they were too sick to go to class. You bring them home, get them diagnosed and treated and as stable medically as possible, and they live at home and go to school locally, until you are absolutely sure that they are totally stable. Or say something really horrible happened to them - maybe an assault, and PTSD caused them to fail. You bring them home, get them treatment (physical and psychological), have them live at home and go to school locally, until you are absolutely sure they are stable.
Do you get the common thread? Now let’s say your kid just decided to flush your money down the drain, and party all semester. OF COURSE YOU BRING THEM HOME!!! Of course you are NOT sending them back to that same environment, no matter what promises they make, no matter that they’ll give you access to Canvas, so that you can monitor them, and nag them after the fact, long distance. BTW, the deal with my kids, from before they leave for college, is that we have total access to everything at school, and they sign FERPAs, and medical proxies, and every other piece of paper that gives us immediate access to anything and everything without having to inform them, as long as we are paying for it. That’s the deal. They get total autonomy when they are paying for it totally, and are totally independent and totally self-supporting. We don’t want to know about whether they’re sexually active. We want to know that they’re doing well, not wasting our money, and not in trouble, not needing our help, until after it’s too late.
My friend’s daughter, very very bright but ADHD, had a very uneven track record in high school. She went away to a mid-level state college. Did okay first semester, then failed every semester thereafter. Her parents tried everything EXCEPT bringing her home! She finally dropped out in January of her third year. Keeping her there was a total waste of money, and no help for the girl, either.
I went to an IVY at a young age, from a very strict harsh home. I had a great time making up for lost time socializing my freshman year - and wound up with a 2.0. I didn’t know how to work consistently, I didn’t know how to ask for help if I needed it. I had NO work habits, because I was bright enough that I’d never been challenged in school beforehand. The school didn’t ask me to, but my parents made me come home and live at home, and go to the local college, which was pretty good, but absolutely nothing when compared to the IVY. I worked SO hard! I also got a part time job (but that was on my own - parents didn’t require it). I wanted back out of that house so badly. I got myself by public transportation to every class on time every day. I had a huge desk set up in a quiet, private area of the house. I came home, ate, and got straight to work for hours every day. I was so afraid of failing even at the local college, and being trapped in that house forever. Needless to say, I got a year of 4.0, and sent myself back to the IVY, finished well, and eventually went to med school and did okay.
It was the best possible thing my parents could have done, to bring me back home to live at home and go to the local college. If I had gone straight back to the IVY, without having that year at home, I would have just continued to play, and not work. I learned how to work hard and manage my schoolwork during that year at home, not because anyone taught me, but because I was so highly motivated to get out of the house again. Oh, and it was a lot cheaper than the IVY, too.
Please, don’t make the mistake of keeping your child there. Bring your child home, and apply consequences with empathy. “I’m so sorry you had such a hard time at out of state U!” (Meaning, I’m sorry, and now you’re gonna be sorry too, that you wasted our hard-earned money partying hearty at the U). “Clearly, we didn’t do a good job of parenting you, because you weren’t prepared by us to go away to school.” (Oh yes, really you DID do a great job, it’s all my fault, and let me go back there and prove it to you!) “But we are highly motivated to do our proper job as parents to prepare you for an independent life, so you’re coming home, and not going back to the U. Now, you have some choices to make. Do you want to get a job and live at home paying market rate for room and board? Do you want to get a job and move out, fully supporting yourself? Do you want to get a part time job and go to local cheap school part time, and pay partial rate for room and board? Do you want to go to local school full time, and maybe a little part time job for spending money, phone, bus fare? What are your concrete educational goals for achieving financial independence from us and hence being able to move out, move on, to that life of fulfillment you dream of? We love you, and we want to help you in every way possible. And clearly, to do that, we need you very close by, meaning under our roof, in order that we can help you to achieve your goals.”
Make sure that both parents (and any grandparents who might undermine you financially) are all on the same page. If the adults are not in agreement, she will play you off against each other, and wind up back there to have the same thing happen this spring. Good luck to you. It’s the hard way, but it’s the right thing to do, and you know it. And it really IS the best thing for your daughter, to bring her home, and have her figure out how to succeed in school at an inexpensive local college while living at home. And if she won’t go to college if you won’t send her back to the U, she wasn’t really ready for college anyway, as she so clearly demonstrated to you.
I can relate. When I went to college I didn’t know how to study even though I considered HS a breeze and was on academic probation after the first semester. I managed to turn things around and graduate (not very high in my class).
On the other hand my son totally bombed this year in his first semester. He has a chronic illness and a bad cold laid him low for a week. After that he decided he was too embarrassed to show up for class and doesn’t seem to know when to ask for help (I consider him not very resilient). Even after negotiating a plan with his academic advisor on how to work through the remainder of the semester he skipped class. So we brought him back home and he just got a job. The planned restart will be with the local community college.
As others have stated, you know your child best. What of the scenarios described is closest to your situation?
Did she get any passing grades? If so, good. See which of the other courses she can redo and get grade replacement - that’s the only way, except by getting all A’s in new classes, to get the gpa high enough. If she only got one F and a D, good. Redo the F, think about redoing the D (if allowed).
If she needs Financial Aid, she has to make sure she’s making academic progress. It’s really a tightrope from now on if she wants to stay at that school. The ‘new’ classes should be carefully chosen so that she can succeed; if she’s good at history or biology, take a class. Now is not the time to try out Chinese or Calc.
You can’t micromanage her from your home. She’s in college. It’s her job. You can advise on which courses to take, a schedule for classes and studying (and working out and eating), but you can’t check her binder like it’s an APUSH class. Professors don’t keep things up to date in the Contact program and additional instructions are given in class, deadlines change, professors get sick and change their office hours. Don’t let her rely on YOU to get her through college. If she needs special services and accommodations, get those set up. WHY are her papers late? WHY is she making writing mistakes?
Having canvas access is fine, but I don’t think you should not be staying on top of her.
She has lots of resources. This is her full time job. The expectation is that she will attend office hours, join study groups, get tutoring, etc.
She should email her academic advisor now and setup meeting when she returns.
She may need to retake her failed classes if those are prerequisites. Academic advisor can help determine.
She should research and provide you with the information about academic probation.
There should be clear
GPA expectations.
Good luck. I had to stay on top of my S in HS. He’s now a college sophomore. Grades are not great, but he’s passing and has total ownership.
Yeah, this seems to be one of those hindsight situations: with hindsight, it would have been better to allow her to find her own way in high school to be prepared for this. Too late, but I agree she needs to be able to do this largely under her own steam.
Don’t agree with the comment about effectively abandoning classes. As someone else said, if it’s mainly midterm and final grade, it’s not necessarily long term.
I just think it’s too harsh to bring her home after one semester where she didn’t perform; again, she’s not the first kid to mess up their first semester at college. One strike and you’re out doesn’t send a great message to your kid either. Give her a chance, she knows what’s wrong, let her know you trust her to fix it… but she has to fix it, without your handholding. If she doesn’t, then you can let the consequences rain down.
My understanding is that OP’s daughter prioritized her social life over her academic responsibilities. Correctible with an attitude adjustment and a clear set of priorities.
Lots of kids need to get some fun times out of their system when given their first taste of freedom & independence.
Alarm bells are necessary to correct the situation & to prevent further harm. But certainly correctable next semester & thereafter.
1.3 is a D+. That’s pretty much abandoning all classes in my book.
I do not think parents should have to do hand holding to get a kid through college. I’d be willing to spend Christmas break reviewing some ways to stay on top of things. Some kind of planner or agenda, ways of keeping on top of deadlines.
I might send a kid back, but only if I was 100% convinced that there were no drugs or mental illnesses involved.
Love the difference of parenting techniques on CC. A good friend of mine went from 3.8 GPA to 1.4 first semester at college. He is very successful in his career now. It was a severe wake up call.
If there’s no learning disability /ADD etc then make a contract with her. She has to go to learning /tutor sessions right away not after the first test or quiz. She has to go to Professor office hours. She has to go to the writing center etc etc. Until she can prove that she doesn’t need it. Honestly, just about any kid will benefit from these services anyway.
We tell our kids in the price of college you get all these free services like tutoring and mental help, etc. Use them!
We made a pact with our kids. We pay for college and they give us access to their account. No access then no funds for college. It’s pretty simple, actually.?. (we don’t abuse this either).
All this “their in college, they are grown ups” to me is all garbage. These are your children. I say this all the time… They “need” our help and guidance becoming adults regardless of their age. Do whatever you need to do to help them become successful. Don’t abandon the ship.
If she can’t abide by your rules then she goes to community College. It’s not a threat but her new reality.
My only problem with all of this, is her roommate not returning next semester. Is this the culture and common for this school? If so, then I might think twice.
She might need to repeat some classes also, so have her check into this and show you the email on the decision. Again, your rules.
Also show her the costs of her mistakes. Let her know how much she would owe right now in college with this GPA and that it has to be paid back. If you know what I mean. Is $25,000/semester worth it for her to be there. Sometimes kids don’t get it until they see it in black and white per se.
I have a niece whose first couple of years in college, living on campus, were micromanaged by her grandmother, out of necessity. She likely would have failed out without the help finding resources, proofreading, etc. Grandma would never dream of contacting instructors, but she would tell her to contact them. Later, with maturity and getting her ADHD treated, she became more independent. She now is a very happy elementary school teacher and is appreciated by her colleagues and loved by her students and their parents.
Wealthy people employ life coaches and tutors for kids with ADHD. So why this double standard for parents who have to or choose to do the job themselves until their struggling kids find their footing?
I don’t know what’s going on with the OP’s daughter, but in high school she was a kid who needed oversight. That doesn’t magically change when a kid like that goes to college.
At my D’s college orientation, the deans who were speaking told us that they appreciate helicopter parents because kids with involved parents do better. It’s a good sized regional public university where kids who need help might fall through the cracks.
If that much hand holding is required, I think a local community college would be more appropriate. Then she could transfer if she shows she’s up to the challenge.
Give her another chance but don’t step in like you did in high school. Helping her by editing papers could actually be a violation of honor codes.
Do encourage her to use the resources on campus - advisor, profs, tutors, writing center, etc.
There is a huge difference between help/guidance and hand holding to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do.
A D average is pretty extreme, in my opinion. I guess I would figure out if there was an underlying reason for the grades. If it is laziness/partying that would get one response from me (more punitive) and if it is ADHD (I know, I know, it is so common – but OP mentions having to stay on top of her daughter in HS, so that raises a flag for me) then I’d have another response.
I guess, to me, whatever the reason turns out to be, it seems like this kid is not ready for going away to college. The consequence would be to not go away again, but to figure out some other course of action.
I do understand it would be tough to actually pull your child; and I am not 100% certain I could do it. However, a D average is so outside of what is acceptable to me that I think I probably would.
My kids all know that getting the best grades they can – working hard – is what I expect. If working really hard and getting extra help etc gets you a C+ I am ok with that. However, generally working hard and doing your best results in considerably better grades.
To me, a semester of partying that resulted in low grades would mean the kid has a 2.7 average, or a B- (which is not acceptable to me, but is enough to not withdraw the student).
But you know your child, and you know your expectations.
Barring mental or physical illness or other trauma, I think there is a balance between hand-holding and leaving her to her own devices. Where that balance point falls depends on the student.
Send the kid back for one more semester - with a signed written agreement between the two of you. She must give you access to Canvas, but you’ll only be checking her grades twice: once to find out if you should be making a deposit on next fall or not (pending satisfactory performance this year), the second time to find out how many grades below C she got, because those are the classes for which, going forward, she will agree to reimburse you for tuition.
- Set and review the expectations.
- Review the resources offered by the college so it is clear where she should go for all different kinds of help.
- Very that she is clear on everything, including your position on wasting money. Explain what academic probation is and the consequences of her negligence are greater than just this agreement between the two of you. Make it clear it will be up to HER to come up with a plan for success through 2nd semester and beyond. Reiterate she will have to pay you back for tuition if she gets below a C in the class.
- Sign an agreement and get her Canvas login.
I’m looking at this not so much as a parent but as someone with almost 30 years working with (mostly) college freshmen. Honestly, of those who tank their first semester, most tank their second, too (sorry). However, not all will. Assuming no illness, for those who make it, something changes. Oftentimes, it’s a course of study (Gee, maybe I shouldn’t be an engineer/doctor/accountant). Hard to stay motivated when they’re ambivalent about what they’re learning. Sometimes, what changes is friends (finding some who study a lot themselves) or some other factor that I don’t know about. But, something makes the students want to change their behavior. I have not seen parental involvement make a significant difference for most students in terms of outcome.
As for editing her papers, definite honor violation. The school writing center should not even do that for a student. Its mentors/tutors/fellows may point out a pattern of error (pronoun reference all over the place!) and make suggestions for large-level revision, but should not be editing or correcting mistakes. .