<p>I a long time poster and not a troll but have posted under a new name for obivous reasons. I just learned yesterday that my daugher was the victim of date rape some time last semester. She didn't tell me, I looked at a journal that she left out on her bed thinking that it was something else. The words, "raped" and "date rape" jumped out at me. I didn't read any more than a paragraph or so (although I really, really wanted to) because I didn't want to violate her privacy any more than I already had. I wasn't sure what to do with the information but decided to share it with my husband. Together we decided that we HAD to talk to her about it and so we had a conversation about it last night. She acknowledged that it happened but gave few details. Said it was a boy she had previously dated but was no longer involved with and that it happened early in the semester. She also said that she had gotten counseling at school and had been involved in a support group. We offered to get her additional counseling but she said she thought she was doing ok without it. She did NOT report it but the boy has acknowledged to her (I think in writing) that he did it and that he is sorry. </p>
<p>First of all, I'm totally in shock. Had no idea this had happened and don't know what to think about the fact that she didn't report it or tell us about it. I dont' know what to do at this point. She apparently thinks it is behind her but I'm freaking out.</p>
<p>We asked her if she wanted to go back to the same school next year (she'll be a junior) and she said she did. She will be studying abroad in the fall and this boy will be graduating in December so she shouldn't have to have any contact with him. They both run in the same social circle at school so I'm not sure how she was able to deal with that last semester and whether or not members of the group have sided with one or the other.</p>
<p>I'm at a loss as to what I should do. She and I don't have the best relationship. She thinks I'm too controlling (I ask her things like, "Will you be home for dinner tonight?") and she thinks I'm a creeper because I've checked out her Facebook. Obviously stumbling upon what turned out to be her private journal isn't going to help with that.</p>
<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband seems to think she's dealt with it and we should just forget about it but I just can't.</p>
<p>I"m so sorry to hear this. I don’t have much else useful to offer, except my opinion that your husband’s suggestion that you just forget about it is not a good idea and probably impossible even if it were a good idea. I think I would say (or write) to her that you are sorry that you looked at your journal; that you are saddened for her about what happened; and that she will have your full support in dealing with it (which, I have a feeling, she hasn’t finished with).</p>
<p>I’m so very sorry to hear this. I might continue to encourage her to go to a counselor or therapist in the meantime, as well as consider legal action. My heart is breaking. My very best to her and all of you.</p>
<p>You seem to indicate that your daughter has had counseling, and doesn’t feel that she’s experiencing any lasting issues surrounding what happened to her. Remember, to her this is all months old, while to you it’s brand new, raw and painful. Please consider getting some counseling for yourself, if you feel it would help you. Being the loved one of a survivor is difficult. </p>
<p>I have not been in your daughter’s situation, fortunately, but I have friends who have been there. They might be embarrassed to tell their parents, or they might simply feel that the particular kind of support and love their parents would provide is not what they need at that moment. And that’s okay–it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t trust you, or that she’s in denial. If she’s gotten counseling at school, that shows that she took proactive steps to help herself heal and process. That’s good. </p>
<p>You should absolutely watch for signs that she still has unresolved issues surrounding this, but if there are no other indications that she’s having trouble, there’s nothing you can do besides let her know you’re there and willing to help and support her.</p>
<p>I do not have a daughter, but have two sons. I do not know what it takes to raise a daughter. However, I would not agree with your husband on letting it go. I would ask what your D wants and support her 100%.</p>
<p>I don’t have daughters but I am a woman and I agree with the others…you asked and she answered. She also sounds like she went and talked it out with someone and has put it behind her. I see no good coming out of you continuing to poke at it for your personal reassurance. Trust her. If you need help, please find someone YOU can talk to.</p>
<p>I think etselec’s post is very good. Your daughter is a grownup and it sounds like she got the help she needed. I don’t think the issues surrounding this are over for her but if they come up again hopefully she will again get the help she needs.</p>
<p>Maybe you don’t have the greatest relationship with your daughter but it sounds like you raised a competent kid. Something terrible happened and she didn’t fall apart, she got help.</p>
<p>As someone who did experience this in college, I didn’t tell my mother for years after the incident. I find it encouraging that she has taken those steps to join a support group and has sought counseling. It may not be over for her, or it may be that she has is working through it in her own time and in her own way. Look for additional warning signs such as pulling away from friends, no dating or loss of contact with male friends, increased drug and alcohol use, drop in grades, etc. Offer her unconditional love and support.
My heart aches for you, and for her. This doesn’t need to define her or your relationship with her. I do think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to.</p>
<p>Wonderful advice. i don’t think one just “gets over” such an experience in a short time. It can take years. I question if your DD left her journal out for you to read. I may take out some books on the topic, or look up online, and peruse them. I’d want to explore how your DD ended up alone with this young man. I suspect she feels she is partly responsible. I would want to assure her of my uncondiional love and support. </p>
<p>In no way would I want her to transfer schools; I’d want her to stand up to this man and let him know that he crossed the line</p>
<p>I would leave it with what she has told you, and let her know that you support her and are there for her if she needs any more help or counseling. There is a wide spectrum of what consists date rape, and that has some impact, too, I think…</p>
<p>how awful to discover this happened to your daughter…have a 19 yr old daughter and can imagine the way it would rip your heart open. It sounds like she was open with you and didn’t react negatively to your asking her what happened, which demonstrates maturity. </p>
<p>I would be glad she had reached out for help, although I think with date rape, there can be a tendency to want to put it behind oneself, and think it’s over. while it may be, there can be emotional issues that continue. I agree with other posters, she may reach out for help again in the future should she find herself struggling, say having trust issues in a new relationship, or having fearful reactions etc. </p>
<p>As a mom, I would want to be sure she knows how sorry you are that she went through this and to express that you are so glad she sought help. let her know that you are there for her, if she wants to talk further…since you stated that she sees you as controlling, and her control was lost in the date rape itself, it’s important to not pressure her to do something that you think she should do, ie. reporting it, etc. Let her see you respecting her choices, and there for her…for yourself, it may be important for you to have a place to express your feelings, I know I would need to if not with a therapist, then a close girlfriend, or sister…</p>
I would suggest a corollary to this, which is that you don’t really need to know more details, unless she wants to tell them to you. It is natural to want to know more, but I don’t think you should press her.</p>
<p>No advice, but sending a hug to you. I know this is terribly hard for you and I’d be sick to see this if I had a daughter. Back in the day when I attended college and we didn’t give this label, (more like “it was my fault”) I too experienced this. I don’t think I ever told anyone and I never saw a counselor to talk about this, but obviously when the topic comes up, I remember. If your daughter doesn’t want to do anything about it, let her know you’ll follow her decision.</p>
<p>Thank you for the kind words and good advice. You are right. DD has been dealing with this for months and her dad and I have only been dealing with it for a few hours. DH doesn’t like conflict and avoids it at all costs so I’m not at all surprised by his response. DD is quite the Daddy’s Girl so it would be nice if he could be there for her but that isn’t his style.</p>
<p>I am someone that tries to fix things. It is what I do for a living and if I’m honest with myself, I’ll have to admit that it is the way that I’ve always been. It is so hard to sit on the sidelines and not try to do more. I sooooooo want to get her to check to see if she can still press charges but I know that is her place and not mine. </p>
<p>It was so comforting to hear some of you say that you think I raised a mature daughter who was competent enough to seek out help on her own. I hadn’t thought of that but it is true and I am very proud of her for that.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that one of the reasons she didn’t tell me (or her dad) and hasn’t shared very much information is that she feels that she was partly to blame. Both her dad and I tried to assure her that no matter what, he was the one responsible for the act. </p>
<p>I also wonder if she left the journal out on purpose. I bought her a couple of notebooks a couple of weeks ago for her to use on her study abroad trip and I thought she had started writing information about the trip in one of them. Since we’re going to go visit, I was interested to see what she had planned. I didn’t DREAM that the journal would be about THAT!</p>
<p>I guess I am dying to talk to someone about it. She has made it known in NO uncertain terms that she doesn’t like me talking to my mother, sisters and/or friends about her (even if it is about mundane stuff). I’m sure she would be most unhappy if I talked to anyone she knew about it. My husband isn’t really there for me (at least about this). I’ve never gone to a therapist but will give it some thought. </p>
<p>Thanks again for the nice words and the cyber hugs. I needed it!</p>
<p>I don’t really have anything to say other than there is no reason at all for you to dwell on why she didn’t tell you. It has nothing to do with what she thinks of you. It has everything to do with something horrible happening to her that no one should have to or knows how to deal with. It seems like she got through it well enough. It is new for you, but dwelling on it with her will only bring to the surface things she has apparently worked through. If she wants to talk about it, talk about it, but if she doesn’t don’t press it. You can tell her that you’re sorry this happened to her and how you’re there for her, but I also think it’s worth mentioning that you’re proud of her for being able to get through (I won’t say past, because unfortunately it is never really over) this, no matter how she did it, because so many people are not able to.</p>
<p>EDIT: As for you wanting to talk to someone, there is therapy but there are also strangers on the internet, who don’t know you and never will. I’d of course offer myself for PM’s, but this seems like a situation where you would want to speak to another parent, someone who has been through something similar, or at least has more life experience than I do.</p>
<p>^^oh I hope not… really I hope it was the emotions. If a father came roaring to campus and went to the Dean and local police claiming one of my boys had date raped his daughter and they had been dating, I’d have to hire an attorney and I would do it in a heartbeat. You wouldn’t need to call the guys parents because no doubt they would be getting a phone call from the son. I don’t know that a parent can even do that for an adult daughter. The OP’s daughter can press charges if the situation indicates.</p>
<p>Good advice from everyone here. My heart goes out to your family.</p>
<p>The only thing that hasn’t been brought up is her standing up to press charges or make this public so he doesn’t do it again. He may indeed be remorseful and will hopefully never repeat the act with anyone else. It is her call and it sounds like her judgment is sound. I’m mostly typing this out as a factor for all readers to consider.</p>
<p>I think there’s lots of good advice here. All I’d add is that there really is no such thing as “date” rape. It’s just rape. Most rapes (not aggravated rapes) are between people who knew each other previously. Adding “date” to the word “rape” is just an attempt (usually on the part of males) to minimize the criminal act, and to foist some of the “blame” on the victim. </p>