<p>I am very sorry to hear this. I hope that justice will prevail.</p>
<p>Hugs to your family.</p>
<p>This man committed a violent crime against your daughter. My question would be WHY did she NOT report it??? I can hardly believe some of the ‘boys will be boys’ - ‘get her counseling’ advice I am reading here. Let the kid lawyer up.
My reaction is close to bluebayou. I would be there in a heartbeat - giving her all the support and encouragement to report this CRIME.</p>
<p>What happens when she doesn’t report it? This man goes on to rape another woman, another day.
Your daughter owes it to herself and her community to report this crime. Silence is NOT the answer. Rape is rape.</p>
<p>How horrible. My best to you and your daughter as she gets through this. The worst part for you, I’m sure, is that you can’t fix this.</p>
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<p>I can think of many reasons why she wouldn’t report it. Because she feels guilty (even though it is not her fault in the tiniest degree that a man assaulted her), because she just wants to forget about it, because she thinks the police wouldn’t believe her, because she thinks it would take a long time and she is busy, because she doesn’t want her friends to know she was raped, because she thinks if she tried to press charges but her rapist either wasn’t charged, or wasn’t convicted, he would come after her, because the rapists friends would make life difficult for her.</p>
<p>DD is only 19 and just finding herself in the world. I’m sure she had many conflicting feelings and didn’t know what to do. It was just easier to do nothing. Is that what I would do? HELL NO! But I certainly understand how someone else might decide it was the right thing for them. She already feels bad. I’m not going to pile on.</p>
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<p>I heard of 2 similar situations through my circle of friends, so second hand info. I can tell you that in both situations the young ladies chose NOT to report it. My point is that based on my limited knowledge with this, it must be a common decision of women in this age group not to report.</p>
<p>Thrown4loop, I cross posted this with you.</p>
<p>First, I am so sorry for what your family has experienced. I do have two perspectives on this issue. One, as a survivor of date rape twice in college. Second, as someone who now works for an agency that provides counseling and assistance to victims of sexual assault. Your daughter has taken the first step by receiving counseling. Encourage her to continue support group and offer to help her find whatever she needs, especially since she is going so far away next semester. I think you should encourage her to hold her rapist accountable. For one thing, he is likely to prey on others, and I am sure your daughter does not want him to have other victims. It also empowers her to transition from victim to survivor. You can’t force her to do this, however. Support her, listen to her, encourage her, but don’t force her. Get help for yourselves if needed. </p>
<p>And everyone out there sending daughters AND sons off to college. Please, please talk to them about the number one drug that facilitates rape - alcohol. It may have nothing to do with this family’s situation, but for thousands of others on college campuses, it happens far too often.</p>
<p>You are exactly right. I do want to fix this. It was so much easier to help when she was little and she had little problems.</p>
<p>And from what little I read and what she did say, I think alcohol was probably the biggest contributing factor. You think you’ve had the talk and hope that they’ll make good choices but sadly you never know.</p>
<p>Thrown4loop. No advice. just a hug.Im sorry for you and your daughter</p>
<p>Part of the reason my parents still don’t know about something that happened to me four years ago is because I know they’ll react like this. After four years of healing, for them it will be a fresh wound and their reaction could very well rip the scab off for me. I am not willing to risk that. There is an overwhelming sense of self-preservation that comes into play after something like this happens, which lasts probably forever. You do what you feel that you have to do because you feel like the world will end if you do anything different. Logic does not matter. You do what you have to to survive it. For some people that’s talking, for others it’s keeping it a secret, and for most it changes as they heal. That’s just the way it is, you can’t control the healing process.</p>
<p>The reason I didn’t say anything to begin with was because at first I was confused and the idea that I hadn’t done something wrong to lead to that happening didn’t even occur to me. It had been months before the word “rape” ever even occurred to me, if it had I probably would have told my parents right away when it happened. But by the time I understood what had happened so much time had passed that it was too hard to go back there. Someday I’d like my parents to know but I don’t want to have to deal with it to the extent that they would make me by freaking out about it right now, I already did that four years ago and don’t want to do it again. I’d have liked the opportunity to press charges but since I didn’t right away it’s not like there would be any evidence so I didn’t-- there is so much aggression against women who lie about rape and I was afraid if I reported it and he got away with it that everyone would think I was lying. Not to mention the risk that he’d come after me if I made him angry, I am lucky he let me live the first time. Since I knew I by no means had a slam dunk case I just didn’t do anything. </p>
<p>It’s not as obvious how to handle it when you’re in the situation as it is when you’re not. And even when you are, my sister was assaulted and did report it and regretted it the entire time because everyone treated her like a criminal, the guy got away with it and she had to keep going to school with him even though he was threatening her, the school flat out told my parents they thought she was lying, and it was all a giant circus. I told her that she made the right decision because it’s damned oppressive to have to look back and know you /might/ have been able to get justice for yourself if you’d gone for it, but if anything like that happens to her again I doubt she’ll talk. It’s just not easy. Rape is an inherently different sort of crime-- “innocent until proven guilty” means to the victim “disgusting liar until proven innocent.” When you’re already dealing with the rape itself, how do you deal with that?</p>
<p>OP, unless you see signs that your daughter is not coping, I would try to back off short of offering support and counseling if she ever wants it. I know as a parent that must be impossible to do, but you have to realize that her sense of control has been violently ripped from her in the most traumatic way possible. The way to “fix” that is not by encroaching on her sense of control further by trying to micromanage her recovery. You have to follow her lead.</p>
<p>Everything that CardinalFang said. Also, since she had a previous relationship with this person, law enforcement and/or school may choose not to press charges. if there was alcohol involved (which is all too common in this scenario), there may be even more resistance to prosecuting this. I am in no way discouraging her from pusruing this legally, but only she is able to tell if she can handle going through this. I know that in the 80s, I was not strong enough to handle it, and unless she had a rape kit done that night, it will just be a he said/she said legal argument.</p>
<p>I guess if it were my D, I would have one more chat with her to confirm that you will support whatever she does. But remind her that men who will do this once often will do it again, and if she lets it go without any attempt to press charges, she is possibly allowing him to do this again to someone else. I would tell her to think on it, and if she wants to look into pressing charges to help someone else avoid this, that you are there to help her. And then I would leave it (at least with her); you may have to go find your own counseling (or talk more to us!) to work this out in your own mind.</p>
<p>First of all, your daughter may have had too much to drink to fight off an attacker, but that hardly makes her responsible for her own rape.</p>
<p>I never say “date” rape. It is acquaintance rape, and most rapes are by people known to the victim. Just because they were once intimate does not give him a “right” to her body. Sick thought, frankly.</p>
<p>But, you don’t want to force a victim to press charges. They absolutely need to have control of their lives back. It is not a liberating experience to bring rape charges, no matter what the DA might try to say. It is the single worst victim situation in a court of law, and the lack of a record of physical evidence will put her on trial as well as him. </p>
<p>Now, having the letter might make it worth while. Or, perhaps, having the letter, she might consider a civil suit for damages. Just a thought. </p>
<p>Be gentle with yourself. You didn’t cause this and you couldn’t have prevented it, either. Don’t do those lists. And, your daughter didn’t make this happen either. Remember that.</p>
<p>First of all, Mini, I disagree. There is a difference between date rape and rape in general. Yes, all date rape is rape, but not all rape is date rape. There are a number of differences and one is that it is much messier to get police action on date rape, much less a criminal conviction. Especially over the period of time that has elapsed in this situation. There are a lot of complications in presenting a date rape case, and in the end it comes down to one person’s word against another that the sex is not consensual. With rape from a stranger who assaults someone, the physical evidence alone is enough to get a case rolling, and the police would be most interested in knowing about such cases as serial sex offenders in the community can be more active than many of us suspect. A side issue that I found frightening was the number of convicted sex offenders are on the loose and living in the UI area where the coed recently disappeared. If any of them are actively practicing their previous crime, the police truly needs to know about it.</p>
<p>When you are accusing a colleague of date rape, it’s a whole other story. Unless the young man’s apology is specific enough to actual constitute a confession, to report it right now is truly opening a can of worms that can cause a lot more damage to your daughter. If she truly wanted to do this, it is one thing, but even those who want to pursue charges after physical evidence is gone, should be warned exactly what this is going to entail. There is no evidence that there was even,sex, much less rape, and if the young man’ has involved parents. they are going to fight such accusations tooth and nail and it comes down to evidence and who is more believable. IIt’s easy for those of us who are not going to have to go on the front line of this sort of battle to tell someone to file the charges. I’ve known of two women whose lives were truly shattered because they went through this gauntlet and both regret it deeply as do their parents. </p>
<p>Your daughter did not tell you about this right away because she chose not to do so, and that she has now done so means that she is picking what she tells you and when, and to barge in there and take charge of something she is managing herself is not what I would recommend you do. I do think she should get counseling, and I would offer this not for the rape; in fact, I would not mention the rape at all when broaching the subject. Just tell her that you would like her to have a counselor available to her to help her through the transition into adulthood, and because you cannot be there for her at college, you would feel ever so much better if she had some professional to discuss any and all issues. </p>
<p>Bluebayou, I know how you feel. I’m a mom, I have boys, but something like this makes my blood boil too. How about tempering the advice to going there and speaking privately with the deans about the issue and finding out what the schools does in such cases and what options they recommend your daughter take at this point, just as a information fishing visit. You can talk to the local police and ask about procedures too. Find out what the options are and what the probable and possible consequences are. If it indeed looks like this is something that your D should report, even at this late date even though she does not want to do so, you might want to have another talk with her on the subject if you are braced to go to war on this matter, because war it will be. The OP should absolutely not speak to the parents or the young man as it could start all kinds of trouble and may reduce your D’s options on what to do. You could lose your temper and say something that could just complicate matters, and the other thing, though very far fetched, your D may not be telling the truth or refuse to back you up when confronted with the situation. I’ve known several parents who have been sucker punched in a number of ways (not rape) when they believed in what their child said to them when it was not quite true and the parents jumped in the fray swinging. </p>
<p>Counseling for yourself is not a bad idea either if you can afford it. Check your insurance policy and see what mental health coverage you have. Might be the time to start using some of it. Look for some groups for rape victims and see if there is counseling appropriate for you. </p>
<p>The thing is, our children are adults and they have the right to make their own decisions on things whether you agree or not. Ultimately it is your daughter on the front line of this battle and there may be reasons why she did not report this that she is not sharing with you. With young adults, you are acting like a kamakazi pilot when you make these attacks and you may not even be on target. You really have to have more information. </p>
<p>I’m sorry for your D and you. Hugs.</p>
<p>This is such a horrible thing to hear about, I can only imagine how troubling it is to you and your family. However you must keep in mind, your daughter is a junior in college, a full fledged adult. If she is has moved on, you need to move on as well, you asserting your will into her life at this point will only strain your relationship (or so it seems). Another poster said it perfectly, your daughter has had time to cope with this while you are emotional and impulsive having found out recently. It’s wonderful that you are so committed to the well being of your daughter, but keep in mind she is her own individual and will (and has) done things in her own manner.</p>
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<p>Is this enough to press charge?</p>
<p>the burden of proof in a civil suit is much lower.</p>
<p>didn’t read too many posts, to upsetting to read.</p>
<p>I do know the scarlet letter in many forms (such as people thinking the girl brought it on) is alive and well in our society and therefore I totally understand why a girl and a parent would rather leave it in the past.</p>
<p>However, if it was my daughter I might find the boy. I say “might” because finding the boy could have huge ramifications. Things can get out of control fast.</p>
<p>“She also sounds like she went and talked it out with someone and has put it behind her. I see no good coming out of you continuing to poke at it for your personal reassurance. Trust her.”</p>
<p>I agree with this. For some people, an assault is the defining event in their lives, and it torments them for years. For others, it’s not such a lasting injury. Sometimes the bullet misses the bone, so to speak. Don’t assume that she feels the same way you would in the same situation. Be extra ready to offer support if needed, but she really might be fine.</p>