<p>^^I disagree. The parent’s job is to nurture and protect, it’s hard wired into any decent parent. So the “bullet” did strike the OP.</p>
<p>My advice is very, very dangerous. But I’m fairly sure this boy would have chosen the wrong girl to rape if it was my daughter.</p>
<p>pacheight it is exactly because people have such polarizing emotions (“I might find the boy”) that the only place any kind of judgement should occur is in a courtroom where an impartial judge can sort out what happened. There were two people in that room (or maybe not) and they are the only two whose opinions matter. I would assume since the OPs D was in counseling she was counseled as to what her options were. She can still press charges if what happened meets the legal criteria in the state that it occurred.</p>
<p>“The parent’s job is to nurture and protect, it’s hard wired into any decent parent. So the “bullet” did strike the OP.”</p>
<p>It’s too late to protect, and I suggested that the OP focus on nurturing. If the bullet struck the OP, then she needs to get her OWN therapy to deal with that wound, not drag her daughter into it. It’s not the daughter’s job to make the OP feel better.</p>
<p>Another thought: Your DD has seen a therapist, and also joined a support group, which I imagine was also led by a therapist. These therapists have an obligation to report. If they didn’t, they each must have reasonable doubt.</p>
<p>I think the parents’ task is to support & love</p>
<p>“These therapists have an obligation to report.”</p>
<p>That’s not my understanding of the law, if the daughter is over 18 and there’s no suggestion of a planned crime in the future. In fact, it’s a violation of their professional ethics to report without the client’s permission.</p>
<p>As a parent of both a boy and a girl, I have to say that it’s always a mistake to pretend that a complex situation is simple. We don’t know how complex the situation in this case was, and perhaps the OP doesn’t know either. We don’t what, exactly the boy admitted to (“I’m sorry we got carried away” is different from “I’m sorry I raped you.”) As others have said, the daughter has already decided how she wants to handle the situation, and she has sought counseling. She may have a very good grasp on what would have happened if she had pressed charges. She decided not to do so, and she may have had very good reasons for making that decision.</p>
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<p>This. Actually, a therapist has a legal obligation to report only if there is a danger to self or others, only if provable, and even then, it’s a very hazy line to walk, frankly.</p>
<p>This is more of the social worker working with minors, or whatnot. I believe a doc in an emergency room setting might have to report, but I’m not clear on the law on this since I’m not in an emergency room situation.</p>
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<p>I think this is a really good point. Most college age women are old enough and have been around long enough to know how this thing “goes.” </p>
<p>I’m sure the mothers of sons AND daughters wish it were easier to prosecute and prove rape. It’s not like most sons are rapists. If it were easier to prove, it would also be easier to disprove, and much more cut and dried.</p>
<p>It’s an unfortunate reality all-around. Plus, many of these young men will become the father’s of daughters. It’s not a male v. female issue. It’s a criminal v. law-abiding citizen issue, even if it can feel inflamatory.</p>
<p>As a mother of 2 boys, I agree with mini above.</p>
<p>I would be concerned about the quality of the counseling your daughter has received. I don’t think it is necessarily top notch at many college facilities, although at many schools it is wonderful. We don’t know where your daughter goes to school (and nor do you need to disclose it), but I’d keep a close eye on it. My gut tells me that I would encourage her to follow up with local counseling this summer.</p>
<p>I had a close call with a serial rapist when I was the same age as the OPs daughter. Well, I don’t know how close it was exactly. The case was famous enough to have a book written about it and I recognized an event described in it. I was there and he was there on the sidelines watching. Was he randomly watching me or stalking another person at the event whom he later raped? Probably stalking the other person but I’ll always wonder. Was I lucky because I left the event at the right time or was I unlucky because I was there at all?</p>
<p>I never even wondered about reporting or not reporting or testifying or not testifying, (I’m speaking in general terms now, for me there was nothing to report). I just thought about lucky and unlucky and the best way to put it behind you. There is no right or wrong, just doing whatever you can to get on with your life.</p>
<p>“First of all, Mini, I disagree. There is a difference between date rape and rape in general. Yes, all date rape is rape, but not all rape is date rape.”</p>
<p>No, but what we think of as “violent rape” is legally called “aggravated rape”, not "rape. There are aggravated rapes of course, but most rapes are committed by “acquaintances”, and most do not involve serious violence outside of the rape itself.</p>
<p>My heart is breaking and I’m just trying to figure out how our family should get through this. My daughter has been violated and I want to make sure she is coping as well as possible. My cousin was raped by an acquaintance in the 70’s. She really struggled and ended up trying to commit suicide. I don’t really know the facts of her situation because I was enough younger but is something she has struggled with throughout her adult life. I want a better outcome for my daughter.</p>
<p>Just read this thread and I feel for the OP & her D & H. It is very traumatic for everyone involved. I would seek counseling for myself and my H, to help us figure out how to best be supportive and move forward. It does sound like your D has been working through this in her way.</p>
<p>I really have no experience in this issue, but wish OP, her D & her H the very best. It is hard with hindsight, only hearing bits & pieces to get a good understanding of exactly what happened and how much your D has healed from this traumatic experience. I would proceed carefully, with guidance from a trusted therapist.</p>
<p>OP, given your cousin’s attempted suicide, it really sounds like counseling for you will help you make better choices in helping your D with HER situation, less encumbered by the memories of your poor cousin’s trauma.</p>