Dealing with a Dream Denied...(long)

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I'm new to this forum, but have been reading with interest. I have to say I'm rather shocked at getting admission answers via a website and/or e-mail. It's so impersonal. </p>

<p>I can totally understand your frustration levels and your love for your sons. Nothing is harder in life than for good parents to see their children work tirelessly and painlessly for a dream that may not be answered. But, I've learned the hard way that whatever happens is in the best interest of the student in the long run (although as parents that's hard to handle when we see the hurt on our children's faces).</p>

<p>Just remember......no matter what the outcome, your son will NEVER have to give up what he's already achieved and if he wants something good in life, a lot of hard work and dedication will get it for him......case in point.....my brother had a 4.0 GPA (years ago when 4.0 was not weighted), and loads of extra curricula and community service work. Because of money, he ended up at a community college his first two years, transferred to the University of Florida as a junior, graduated with top honors in their pre-med program, and went on to the University of Florida Medical School where he also graduated with top honors. He is now a very successful surgeon and loving every minute of it.</p>

<p>And.......it all started with community college "where all the flunkies go". </p>

<p>Best wishes to your son. God bless for your younger son. Take a great deal of pride in them, give them your unrelenting love and support, and both of you can't go wrong.</p>

102

<p>dadofsam,</p>

<p>Guess what? I am a momofsam! My youngest son (I have three sons and three daughters) is named Sam! I wanted to thank you for taking the time to post about both your and your son's experiences. This was exactly the type of thing that I was hoping to hear, if only to reinforce what I have been trying to tell myself over the past few months. </p>

<p>I think that in general, your son did a much better job with the entire application process than my son did. My son's list was way too top heavy, and he neglected to choose enough matches and safeties. Thankfully, the few he chose did come through for him, but the money options were not all that we had expected. And yet, we still feel very lucky at this point....</p>

<p>I am so thrilled that your son's school has proved to be an excellent match for him in every way. That really inspires me, particularly because my son will most likely end up at a school that he chose in much the same manner as your son chose his school. I feel encouraged that he will be able to accomplish great things, even if his college ends up not being one he had initially envisioned for himself.</p>

<p>I would most heartily disagree that you are not qualified for the champagne though! If I were in your shoes, I'd be sitting there sipping and smiling and just tickled to death to NOT have to face this angst this year!! You are most cordially invited to our champagne party, and we can toast you as a successful survivor of this madness!</p>

<p>Thank you so much for the good luck. I think that my son and I are in a much better place emotionally now, and I have the feeling that whatever comes along, he will handle it with his usual grace and dignity and hopefully, his good sense of humor (I did offer him a rejection party if all should turn out badly...<em>lol</em>).</p>

<p>Thanks again for posting! ~berurah</p>

103

<p>MidgetMom,</p>

<p>Hi! I would like to offer you a HUGE welcome to the forum. I am not one of the longest-term members here, but in the time that I have been posting here I have found unbeatable information, excellent (and FREE!) advice, and some of the kindest and most supportive people around. I hope that you find the same!</p>

<p>I, too, was surprised at first when I found out that many schools release their decisions online. My son got his first college decision ever...a rejection from Yale in the EA round...online, and it was just the strangest thing. We both kept just staring at the screen, stunned, and yet unable to avert our eyes from the disheartening letter. It was quite a surreal moment.</p>

<p>Your brother's story is so incredibly inspiring! Your post is one I am DEFINITELY printing out and showing to my son. It really does perfectly demonstrate what commitment, persistence, and hard work can accomplish. You must be very proud of him!</p>

<p>I thank you so very much for understanding--not only how invested I am in my college-bound son, but also how these things affect the others in the family. My oldest son has five younger siblings, and each of them is rooting for him so strongly. I hope their support brings him strength for whatever comes in a couple of days.</p>

<p>Thank you so much for posting! I hope to hear more about you and your children in the months to come! ~berurah</p>

104

<p>
[quote]
I have to say I'm rather shocked at getting admission answers via a website and/or e-mail. It's so impersonal.

[/quote]

Not always. My son's LAC sent email responses which were personalized, then the exact same words were sent in a letter which followed about a week later.</p>

<p>I for one was ecstatically happy that the decision arrived via email. That extra week of no tension during the pre-Christmas season (this was ED) was well worth any supposed "impersonality" (which I didn't perceive anyway)! :)</p>

105

<p>
[quote]
That extra week of no tension during the pre-Christmas season (this was ED) was well worth any supposed "impersonality" (which I didn't perceive anyway)!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>voronwe--my son's letter would have looked a LOT more personal as an acceptance, I'm sure! <em>lol</em> But I am in agreement with you...I like that some of the stress is reduced by the quicker email or website notifications. ~berurah</p>

106

<p>For us folks out in the boonies, an on-line acceptance saves about two to three days of mail box stalking. :) Of course we haven't encountered access snafus like some students. As for email notifications, I am more leery because we lose some email from spam blocking.</p>

107

<p>Does anyone remember a few years back when Harvard tried to send out its acceptances via email, and AOL rejected their mass email? Oops.</p>

108

<p>We are looking at letters taking 18 days to travel here from the states.</p>

109

<p>berurah,
I emotionally relived my last several weeks by reading your post. For all of her high school my daughter has studied hard, got great SATs scores, and was a diligent student. She fell in love with Colby on her first visit Februay 2004. We could not apply ED because of our finances, so we had to wait not only for the acceptance, but for the financial package. I made her apply to a broad range of schools -- pricewise and how money is awarded. I just wanted her to cover all of her bases. Because as hard as she worked, the decision was in the hands of Colby for acceptance and for money.
For months she seemed open to other great schools but last week she told me she only wanted to go to Colby and has always only wanted to go to Colby. We redoubled our prayers and hoped that we wouldn't have to comfort her if the money did not come through.
On Good Friday she got accepted and got enough money so that she can attend Colby. I hope and pray the same for your son. Our kids may not be able to tell us WHY a school is their school, but they know what school would be best for them.
Anxiously waiting with you and hoping for your son's first choice,
ColbyParent</p>

110

<p>ColbyParent,</p>

<p>Your situation mirrors ours almost exactly! My son has been in love with Duke since he began participation in the Duke Talent Identification Program way back when. Because he was enrolled in that program, he received a good many mailings and catalogs regarding summer programs offered at Duke, which unfortunately we were never able to take advantage of due to finances. But his imagination was stirred, and he set his sights on attending Duke as an undergrad. Like your daughter, my son was unable to apply ED due to financial constraints, but he threw his hat into the ring as an RD applicant. Right now, the money seems a far off worry because simply getting accepted is enough of a hurdle....</p>

<p>I am so completely thrilled for both you and your daughter that her dream of attending Colby has come true!! It is so gratifying to see the dream of a competent and committed student be fulfilled, and it restores my faith in this world that sometimes seems so very arbitrary and so full of "no" and "sorry, not this time" results. I congratulate your daughter on her wonderful success, and I happily share your relief at this marvelous outcome!</p>

<p>Thank you so very much for posting and for being there with us as we wait. It won't be much longer now! ~berurah</p>

111

<p>How about a dream that has taken a detour?</p>

<p>My son has always wanted to go to cmu since he was in elementary school. We told him to do the best he can because cmu is a competitive college. Well, he did just that. Perfect grades with many APs (top 1% of class), lots of awards, good (though not perfect) test scores, state wide music accolades, volunteers, works, etc. He strived to do his best. We could not apply ED because of finances, but, he got in RD. We had two days of elation after seeing the online decision.</p>

<p>Then the other shoe dropped. We got the paper admission letter with no merit aid. My heart aches, but we just cannot afford that tuition. While we are still waiting for the financial aid letter, we are not too optimistic. I know my son is walking around picturing himself at cmu, but unless we get some financial aid, he's can't attend his dream school. I just feel really bad that I led him to believe that his future was in his own hands when in fact that was only part of the equation. Now I feel like the failure.</p>

<p>I know lots of families must be in this exact situation. How do you help you kids to adjust to reality and let that dream go? How do you help them to move on but still know that dreams are worth having?</p>

112

<p>lkf725:
Can he take out loans to help make up the difference?</p>

<p>Can he take a year off, work a job, and use his earnings to help make up the difference?</p>

<p>Has he applied for any outside merit aid, and are there outside scholarships that he can apply for?</p>

113

<p>Reading through this thread has been itneresting, especially about how parents take the rejections harder then the students. I'm waiting right now to hear from UCLA (I'm a CC transfer student, which is why I have yet to hear, one more month to go!), however in the meantime I applied to several other schools. I believe my Mom has come in here more asking me to go through and check them all because she wants to see... When nothing is posted often I think she is more worried then even I am. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I've somewhat mentally prepared myself for rejection more. My mom seems to think I'm more invincible to that kind of thing then I really am. In my mind I'm ready for (even though if I am rejected I will be very dissapointed) just about anything they could say. Reading these boards make me think that she's not alone, and that this process is just as bad (or more hopefully not bad!) for the parents as it is for us students.</p>

114

<p>Thank you so much for your kind reply. My brother's story has inspired a lot of young people. And, yes, it's totally true.</p>

<p>As far as financial aid, don't give up on hope. Has your son applied for any online scholarships? Please check FastWeb.com for a listing of applicable scholarships. Every dollar counts. My dd's financial aid package includes grants, Florida scholarships, loans, university scholarships, but it still wasn't enough to cover 100% of expenses. She is in the process of writing a LOT of essays and entering contests. We just need another $1,000 or so for next year to make it complete and not have to go out of pocket.</p>

115

<p>Northstarmom,
Yes, both he and my husband and I are willing to take out loans. Maybe that could work. But the reasonable side of me wonders if we/he shoud incur such huge debt for undergrad when graduate school looms on the horizon. He has applied for local merit scholarships, too, because he has a decent chance of getting something...no results yet, though, and maybe we won't know before May 1.</p>

<p>I hate to see him take off a year of school, because he has some other fine choices that did give him substantial merit aid. Not his dream school, but still okay. And then the sophomore year tuition will be due and we'll be in the same boat again. In reality, there is no guarantee that cmu will provide him with such a superior experience that he needs to take this drastic step. </p>

<p>I'm sure everything will work out, but I just get teary-eyed thinking about it. After encouraging my kids to be proactive and strive for excellence, I now have to admit to them (younger daughter, too) that sometimes one's best is just not good enough. Although I would never articulate this sentiment, I know it will be clear to both of them.</p>

116

<p>"I'm sure everything will work out, but I just get teary-eyed thinking about it. After encouraging my kids to be proactive and strive for excellence, I now have to admit to them (younger daughter, too) that sometimes one's best is just not good enough. Although I would never articulate this sentiment, I know it will be clear to both of them."</p>

<p>However, it is very true that sometimes, even often, one's best is not good enough. IMO the sooner that people learn this, the better.</p>

<p>Learning this doesn't mean that one shouldn't strive to do one's best. It does mean, though, that doing one's best doesn't mean that one is guaranteed to get exactly what we applied for or want. </p>

<p>My thoughts always are, though, that if one does one's best, one still will end up having achieved more than one would have achieved by doing a mediocre job.</p>

<p>Surely you, too, have had situations in which you did your best, but didn't get an opportunity that you wanted. Yes, that's disappointing, but it's life. I've had it happen to me. It's also happened to my kids. When it happens, I try to focus on the fact that we did whatever we could, and more than likely our hard work still will have some good results even if those results weren't what we initially dreamed of.</p>

<p>"I hate to see him take off a year of school, because he has some other fine choices that did give him substantial merit aid. Not his dream school, but still okay."</p>

<p>I think, however, you should let him know that he has a variety of options, and then let him make the decision. The dream school may be important enough to him that he decides to take time off and earn $ to go there. The merit money may make the other college so attractive that your son happily goes there.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, taking a year off to do a productive activity like working is a plus for many students. It's such a plus that Harvard lets all accepted students know of this possibility. A productive gap way can be a wonderful way for students to take a much needed break from the stress of academics, and while doing something different, they can learn some very useful things about themselves and about life.</p>

117

<p>Thanks Northstarmom! Of course, you are right. It's good to have someone intervene with the voice of reason! It's hard to see our kids disappointed, but then I guess they learn resiliency. I appreciate you comments.</p>

118

<p>Dear Berurah/momofsam:</p>

<p>Thanks for your kind words. Who knows who did a better job on the application process, anyway? We muddled through it with the help of information from these Boards, just like everyone else. At the end, your S only needs to go to ONE school. How he gets there will shortly become irrelevant, except over champagne and stories for next year's applicants.</p>

<p>Yes, by the way, with six children, we expect you to become one of the leading CC gurus in the future. Also, with six children, you seem to be an ideal candidate for chair of the home ec department at our newest college, Confidentia College. You've probably been too busy going through this process, so see the Doodling thread on this board for more information. If home ec is not to your liking, feel free to self-nominate what is. </p>

<p>I will be happy to be virtually present at your champagne party; anyone who survives this process with a reasonably intact sense of humor deserves one. But don't forget the group kiddush; we all did one at our synagogue (other parents wanted in, so it turned into a larger kiddush for all graduates of any kind, from pre-school up to Ph.D.; was a lot of fun).</p>

<p>P.S. I had a little trepidation in naming our son Sam, as it sounded old-fashioned. However, it was my grandfather's name, and I was going to be darned if I called him Sean or Seth or some such name, so we went ahead. Turned out that there are lot of kids in his age group named Sam.</p>

119

<p>lkf725,
depending upon which course of studies he persues, graduate school may be more feasible - many students TA, RA, etc. Also, once out of college, he could take a job for a year or two before starting grad school - that model is pretty common, I believe.</p>

<p>Does the college that accepted him at CMU offer any paid internships?</p>

120

<p>Be sure to let us know when you hear!</p>