<p>Where did your friends make the donations to? I heard state schools are less likely to do this sort of thing than privates.</p>
<p>A friend in a hospital fellowship program with me had an uncle who donated one million to the Tufts Med School to get his son in (Well actually he donated a building).. He was ****ed because he knew his cousin was not qualified. I think the kid eventually had a difficult time with the academics.</p>
<p>Congrats 3tuitions (soon to be 2?) I'm sure the day will be all about your daughter...you sound like that kind of parent:)
Calmom--you are right. The kids are set for life...at least one will get a job provided by dad. The kid is sanguine in the knowledge that she had help getting in. I don't think it actually bothers her...yet. I can't help but wonder whether, somewhere along the line, a kid shouldn't figure out where they stand? I can't help but think they will feel like frauds along the way. The other girl is a mess. Her mom was so freaked out about college admissions that she took her from high school to high school to find one that graded "fairly." She never found one. Mom wants the girl to be a premed...and in the environment she's chosen for her daughter, it will be impossible. It's probably ok, because the girl wants to be a journalist. This young girl needs to find out who she is...and that is what these children are being robbed of...their own identities....so mom and dad can have bragging rights. And Future is right...neither of these children will do really well at these colleges...so the kids are also being robbed of that. I guess my problems with my friends is that I really find that I don't share their values or respect their decisions in this matter. Usually, I can rationalize away such differences, but I guess I was caught off guard and I need to process it. I am also really surprised that the parents were so forthcoming about opening their wallets...that was sort of "in your face" too.
Still processing.</p>
<p>More important than the donation and unfairness is...what are you getting out of this friendship? Is it reciprocal? Or toxic?
I can't imagine bragging to my friend/s about my children's success, whether or not it had anything to do with me or my bucks, if it makes my friend/s feel bad. How is that being a friend?
Sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it to stay in a relationship.</p>
<p>Just to play devils advocate, I'll offer some food for thought: </p>
<p>If it was known that you could get your own child into the college of his dreams by slipping the college $20 (twenty dollars), would you do it? </p>
<p>Is it a question of ethics or income? </p>
<p>Is it the deed or the bragging (and the fact that they were financially able to do so)? </p>
<p>Would you feel the same if they achieved the same goal by making a phone call to the right person? Or if they were in the position to promise the right "favor" to the right person?</p>
<p>I don't know why every school doesn't put two or three spots up on ebay! What a great fundraising event, especially if promoted internationally.</p>
<p>Or brought a casserole of manicotti, like Carmella Soprano at Columbia...</p>
<p>Doubleplay...that is exactly what I am evaluating...but since it's been 20 and 14 years...I feel that I have to at least give them a chance before I deem them toxic...although my last encounters were definitely noxious...I was also just taken aback because I couldn't understand how I had so completely misjudged them!</p>
<p>Ok, my manicotti would so not do it...and I know my kids' manicotti would not do it either.
Pearl...I would not slip the $20. I'm really clear on that in my head. I want my kids to know that they got where they got on their own steam. It's the ethics, not the income. If one wants to donate seven figures to build a school for the underprivileged...I'm all for it and would bring my own hammer. It's both the deed AND the bragging. It's really obnoxious to brag about such a thing. And yes...favors and phone calls are sort of the same thing....I wouldn't want anyone giving favors to someone who promised him a lucrative job, for example.
By the way, my best friend (who happens not to be at all wealthy) thinks I'm insane and am ignoring the way the world works. She may be right.</p>
<p>I think this time of year parents should make a point to ask about their friend's kids' college plans (assuming the kid's going to college) without using it merely as a segue to talking about their own kid. Maybe it'll catch on.</p>
<p>Of course you get your kids to a school if you donate seven figure sums. No sour grape, this is just the fact of life.</p>
<p>From other side of coin, why wouldn't s school welcome the kid whos family donated 7-figure sums of money??</p>
<p>^^^That is not supposed to be the way the game is played. At least not by the rule book.</p>
<p>what's the point of making money if not to spend it?</p>
<p>
You are assuming that those kids have the same do-it-myself, work-ethic values that you and your kids were raised with. Unfortunately, the children in question may have been raised with very different values, that of a sense of entitlement because mommy & daddy can and do buy them anything they want -- so they grow up with the idea that anything can be bought and it doesn't occur to them to question the process.</p>
<p>I agree that these kids have been deprived of something, but it's probably a lifelong matter of upbringing -- I'm sure the college donation isn't the first. My friends with kids in private schools have all told me stories of what extra donations will buy along the way, starting with getting coveted spots in preschool -- so these kids have probably had the way paved for them since they were in diapers. They don't know anything else.</p>
<p>I do feel that the mom who wants the daughter in medical school is headed for disaster -- that is definitely something that takes brains and hard work. It really is more of a game to be played by future stockbrokers, who after all should be comfortable with the idea of moving large sums of money around.</p>
<p>How many kids really get to college "on their own steam"? How many of us are guilty of driving them to sports practice for how many years? "Quietly" telling them to get off their *** and study for a test (or two)? Encouraging them to continue with an EC their senior year, knowing it will look good on the resume? Donating your way to admission may seem alittle (alot) over the top, but there seems to be an awful lot of kids in private school. Future college admissions in that decision? How many folks pay for an SAT study course for their kids or buy the study book? It's just a matter of degree - we do what we can to help our kids. </p>
<p>Seven figures to get your kid into college? I'm guessing it didn't really work that way. I bet they made the donation. The school admits the kid hoping there will be another donation down the line. Same reason they admit legacy kids (some with lower SAT averages).</p>
<p>Bragging? - "My son is going to an Ivy next year"
Informing your friends? - "My son's going to community college"
Could be in the ear of the beholder.</p>
<p>diesel, it's not just "spending money" -- it's using money to distort an admissions outcome; it's more like a bribe, a manipulation of a system that others have to play by harder rules.
Even though it's hard to make all that money, i don't doubt that dad works hard at a big desk somewhere all day, maybe even mom too.</p>
<p>But, the OP feels as though (and I agree): one set of people has to line up in the cold and wait to buy a movie ticket for $10, and does all the right fair things, standing in line etc. hoping for their chance.</p>
<p>Another group elbows up to the front of the line, no wait required, and hands over $100 to the ticket office and is ushered right in without a hard wait.</p>
<p>Wait, bad example there! It's more than waiting in line.</p>
<p>Suppose all those people submitted entries in a talent-based photography contest. They're all told to submit a photo which will be judged on its merits, and attach their $10 entry fee. Of the 500 entries, the best 100 will be chosen for a gallery exhibit.</p>
<p>Then comes barging up one family with a photo in hand, so mediocre it couldn't have had much of a chance if judged against the other 500 entries.
They walk to the front and hand in their photo with a $20,000 gift to the gallery, provided their photo is selected. Following a cursory glance at the photo, it's accepted.</p>
<p>It's not about the right to spend money. It's using the money to manipulate the contest; then bragging about it as if it was an accomplishment to be proud of.</p>
<p>I must be naive. I heard of a local couple who tried to get their child into HYP. She was good student, but still not accepted. Do parents make the donation contingent on acceptance? What was interesting was how the news travelled so quickly.</p>
<p>Is there a rulebook for how to buy a seat? How do you know how much money it takes to buy a seat? I guess if you have to ask you are not in the know!!! This must go on right? Maybe the donor parents start early freshman year of high school?
Do the donor parents give the money to the Dean of Admissions? Do the donor parents give the money to a trustee who is the designated receiver? Do the donor parents call up in Sept of the senior year and say ' hey I have a million dollars for the school if they accept my daughter Susie? Do the donor parents arrange for a private tour of the university with the Dean and President of the University? ' Do the donor parents have a friend of a friend who is connected take the Dean out to dinner and represent the donation as the check is slipped under the table? This can be complicated!! Do the gatekeepers get a percentage? Do the gatekeepers get free trips and travel??? Special favors??? Oh my we will never know will we!!!! LOL</p>
<p>I agree with skiersmom. What is the fundamental difference in donating money outright to the school, and spending money on ECs and language exchanges so that the kid's CV looks better? In principle, people who practise the second technique argue that the kid is a better-rounded person and that he/she will benefit his whole life from playing the sax or speaking Russian. That's my (maybe dishonest) point of view; but we are still at least a length in front of families who cannot afford a decent school, extra lessons and summer school.
Let's be honest. When we say we wouldn't give 20 dollars for our kid's dream school, isn't that because we know that even if he only gets the safety (my D's case), he will have a d-d good education, and if he finds his niche, he will be able to get the grad school of his dreams? If , say, there was only one school which offered your kid the opportunity to do what he wanted more than anything, wouldn't you pull every string you had to ensure he got in?</p>
<p>
[quote]
I want my kids to know that they got where they got on their own steam.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Would you refuse to allow your child to apply to a college where he or she is a legacy?</p>
<p>And if you are a member of an underrepresented minority group, would you insist that your child leave the ethnicity question blank on his or her college applications?</p>
<p>For that matter, did your child ever ask you for help with homework? Did you refuse?</p>
<p>I think most of us would not prevent our kids from taking advantage of legacy or URM status and that most of us helped with homework from time to time. Isn't the wealthy contributor just doing the same sort of thing on a larger scale?</p>
<p>The only thing I don't get about the OP's thread is why the parents were bragging. They certainly weren't bragging about their kids' achievement since they were admitting that they had paid to get their kids into the school, and if they were bragging about their wealth, how come they had never done it before in 14 years?</p>