Depressed. Didn't stay true to myself in college.

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Hi guys, this is my first time posting on college confidential.</p>

<p>And would like some advice on how I've been going about my college life so far.</p>

<p>Right now, I'm a third year undergraduate, majoring in English, possibly double majoring in Asian American studies, and minoring in Film.</p>

<p>I've reached out on a mindfulness healing forum but I don't think I've gotten around enough to telling the picture about why I feel down and lost in college. But after a while, I'm more clearer on my issues and I'm really curious if there is someone out there who can help me out on this. Aside from my therapist.</p>

<p>Here's my problem:</p>

<p>For 2 years, I've been living a life where I never got out of feeling lost in college. And I mean this on a social level. I basically was a guy, that when I went around, I didn't really get into connecting with people on a genuine basis. College has been a depressing time. </p>

<p>And I remember being more motivated in high school, finding things like community service, filmmaking, and literature, to really fill up my heart. And have that be my guiding light in the future.</p>

<p>In college, what happened was that I forgot how to stay true to myself when it came to meeting people.</p>

<p>I'm realizing that there's been a mental rut that's been holding me back from really being happy with what I've got so far in college.</p>

<p>And as I peek into the future, I'm not sure what to do.</p>

<p>In college, I was overtaken by the vast majority of people, experience, and events that were in front of me and quite frankly, I acted awkward in the midst of it. I met so many people, but ended up with very little to no true friendships in which I felt as if I was personally attached.</p>

<p>On top of this, I felt like I had lost a passion for my life which existed before college.</p>

<p>I'm not sure who out there can relate, but has there been a time in your life where you forgot how to be yourself? And that phase lasted for a long time? A very long time?</p>

<p>Basically, I'm awakening to that right now. I remember my year on my first floor, and feeling out of place, and never really seeing how to get out of it. As well as my situation with my roommates that year.</p>

<p>And I'd join different club activities, still forgot how to feel at ease with people in a way which felt true to my own identity as my own human being.</p>

<p>As time goes on, I'm realizing that ****, I am not happy. I need help. I'm seeing a therapist right now to go over my situation and I'm slowly trying to figure out who, out there can kind of consistently lend me a hand. </p>

<p>I know in the past, before college, I had a better sense of where I saw for friends which I felt like could last a lifetime. But like, right now, I just am not sure of what to do. Other than, look back at certain video/picture files, analyzing the kind of person I was and the person I need to be from now on, but at the same time, I feel like I'm the only one who's taking this look from the inside out. </p>

<p>A lot of people right now, I feel like, in college, have yet to see the real me blossom out because of my lost phase in college and out of that fact, I don't know who can kind of help me out right now as far as seeing this. I think I recognize my need for a better life overall.</p>

<p>I'm curious if there's anyone that can relate to this experience of mine.</p>

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<p>To add on, I wanna go into this idea, of friendship.</p>

<p>I mean, I remember, or at least, finally recognize once more, the building blocks to a true friendship. I mean, I lost that in college. I’m analyzing it in my head… The kind of spark which triggers a connection which makes one want to continue it is usually well… laughter, or a sense that we’re both on common grounds with something… but anyways, I think that’s what I forgot how to do with another person.</p>

<p>I think I let intimidation get to me to a point where I forgot to absorb people’s genuine energy for interaction… if that makes sense… </p>

<p>I should have been easier on myself when it came to… okay, so I met a person. I shouldn’t try to hard to force a connection with this person (which hoenstly, in introspect, I did a lot as a first year) And within my third year, I think I’m making more conscious choices not to do that, and let connections flow more naturally. For instance, in an internship, I met a cute girl whom I just kind of wasn’t trying to hard to connect with, then I casually made the choices to forget about my problems, and kind of let the connection slowly come… Like, it’s a video internship, and we were partnered up. And I felt the genuine me come back again. </p>

<p>Basically, I think I understand what I’ve been missing is a kind of genuineness to people. And instead, what I’ve been doing, was forgetting to kind of live in the moment with people. In the ways which makes for a connection that would be long lasting emotionally.</p>

<p>I feel like I could rant all I want right now about my issue cause it’s been on my mind for quite some time.</p>

<p>In ways, because of how I’ve been living. I feel like the energy for life has been sucked out of me. And inside, a part of me is desperately trying to get it back.</p>

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<p>Sorry, but people in college just don’t really care about friendships as much as people in high school. You don’t need to change; this is just the reality of the situation. Just be yourself ok? and FYI: you live a privileged life given that you are getting an education, you have food to eat, and you live in America. Don’t be depressed about your life.</p>

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<p>**Edit:</p>

<p>To add-on to the story, after reading some other collegeconfidential posts, this makes more sense.</p>

<p>My first year dorming experience, I had a lot of trouble just manifesting close friendships on my floor. And basically, I mean, a pattern had developed for too long where this was happening. I know I need to get out of it…</p>

<p>I know there are first-years out there that probably experienced this hands-on and said, “God this is terrible” and found ways to get out of it.</p>

<p>But I think I’ve been simmering in this for way too long. It’s numbing.</p>

<p>I’ve also been considering taking a leave of absence for a while… But even then, it’s like, I feel like I’m trying to figure myself out outside of college as well…</p>

<p>I’ve kind of lost connections in my hometown. The only one I’ve got who I can probably trust the most as far as helping take care of me is my older sister who lives 500 miles away from me. If I did decide to move in with her, it would be a matter of how can I even learn to be happy with myself again, in a non-college environment?</p>

<p>Cause my situation has lead me to deep, kind of, apathetic states which I want/need to get out of.</p>

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<p>I strongly disagree with Orbit196. It’s not that people in college don’t care about friendships as much - on the contrary, I think that college students are even more concerned about making meaningful relationships. How many adults do you know who still stay in touch with friends they made in high school? Now how many adults do you know who still have friends from college? It’s very different - people go to college seeking to foster those kinds of relationships. And just because we have privilege in the United States doesn’t mean that we can’t get depressed or feel trapped; that’s nonsense. Privilege doesn’t eliminate feelings of sadness.</p>

<p>As for losing oneself - I felt like that in my 2nd and 3rd years of graduate school. I forgot how to be myself. I used to be passionate and outgoing in high school and college; I had big dreams and big aspirations. Graduate school is long and grueling, though, and I got really burned out in my second and third years - and into the beginning of my fourth - and started going through depressive episodes as well. I saw a therapist. I still cycle on and off and don’t feel 100%, but I feel more like myself.</p>

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<p>I definitely know how you’re feeling!! I feel like I used to be such a happy person and just loved to laugh all the time because I was always so happy and now that I am in college, I’m lucky if I smile or laugh once a day. I feel like I am just forcing myself to try to be happy, but I’m just not. And I used to love sports, music, and everything and now I am just not involved in that stuff anymore. Well I am doing college basketball but I hate it, which is a little sad because it used to be my favorite sport, but in college it is just different. I’m only a freshman though, I am hoping this feeling won’t last forever. :/</p>

<p>I’m not sure if it is exactly the same as what you’re going through, but I definitely feel like I’m not the same person I used to be</p>

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<p>Hey Cheddybakes, </p>

<p>One thing for sure, I’m glad you’re aware of what you’re going through… in your first year. And yeah, I think we’re going through the same thing. In your case, I just wouldn’t want you following in my shoes…</p>

<p>I’ve been remembering lately yeah… how passionate I was about certain things. In my eyes now, I think its best to stick to those things/circumstances that keep us in line with ourselves… at least our passionate selves, I mean.</p>

<p>You should try to maybe connect with people that seem to be on the same page as you with what you like to do… I think that should re-spark a sense of aliveness…</p>

<p>In a way, this is what I’ve come up recently with my head… We could be bombarded/lost at the sight of what we can do in college… And I definitely know what it feels like to “force” myself to be happy in the midst of it… What I’m trying to do for myself right now is that no matter what happens, to just keep a firm relationship with what I like for myself. And through that point, I can’t have any regrets with things I love doing for myself.</p>

<p>I suggest taking a little time for yourself here and there to take away from all the “forced happiness” moments and simply learn to be happy with the person you are… Then go out and reconnect with people… Search for other people who seem to resonate with you… have them in your life, and then I think things will be better from there…</p>

<p>Cause you can’t be unhappy if you’re taking care of your well-being first of all on the inside…</p>

<p>On a side note… I know that for me, one thing that got to me in my freshman year was my roommates? And how I felt like (not to be conceited) that I had a kind of consciousness/passion about my world/what I wanted to do compared to them… and I didn’t hold onto the integrity that should have stopped me from making me doubt myself when I’m with them so much… Um, to re-word it, I basically always felt off with them cause I had different aspirations compared to them, and it bugged me that I had trouble finding the reflective friendships which would nourish what I’m passionate about doing.</p>

<p>I think you should be fine as long as you do your best to keep true to your own self. College is hard. I definitely know from what I’ve been through and where I’m at. But being passionate, I believe, is what will make you succeed.</p>

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<p>Does your college have a counseling service? I just spent some time with my nephew who is a psychiatrist. 2/3 of his practice is working at a liberal arts college doing counseling, outreach, etc. I think he would be just the sort of person who could help you sort something like this. My D2 (age 17) was with me; she does not warm up to people quickly, but she really took to him. She had not seen him in about 10 years, and was sort of shy to meet him – she came away saying that he was so easy to talk to and probably very good at his job. Point is… that I suspect most college counseling services have people like him on staff that can really help you sort this issue out and figure out steps to move forward.</p>

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<p>@ intparent…</p>

<p>I actually am eeing a therapist right now… It’s slowly underway.</p>

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<p>I can relate. I’ve been pretty much alone for the 4 years i was in college (I’m INFJ) By the time of my graduation all my close friends has either changed majors or moved and being the only Asian in most of my classes didn’t help either. </p>

<p>The only things that got me through those rigourous years in college were physical activities and short conversations i had with my mom. I did alot jogging/running/working out-you’ll be surprised how good it will make you feel. I also got to give thanks to my mom. Without her, i really don’t know how i would have stayed sane in my first year of college. lol. </p>

<p>Anyway, I hope you get the help you’re looking for.</p>

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<p>Just by talking with others or perusing these forums, you’ll see that many people are in the same boat as you. </p>

<p>One thing to consider is that it can be rather stressful being friends with someone who is exceptionally sensitive. If it is obvious that you are placing too much pressure on yourself to make friends with someone (like analyzing in your head everything that you say to someone), this may simply be too tiring for a lot of people to put up with. </p>

<p>Doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. Just try to relax, remember that it’s not the end of the world if you don’t click with someone, and try to put yourself in situations where you know you’ll be most at ease. For a lot of people, that doesn’t include frat parties or bar scenes. </p>

<p>Finally, just know that things take time. There’s no magic solution to developing more confidence or becoming more at ease around new people. Expect to progress slowly and know that things will get easier over time. Good luck!</p>

<p>Edit: You’re probably aware already, but I’d say it’s much more valuable to have two or three close friends rather than 10 or 20 friends that you’re not close to. It might take time to find those two or three people that you’re comfortable around.</p>