<p>Scareddad…I do think it was a bit presumptuous to think that those of us who stand by our kids don’t have lives of our own. I have been married for 24 years, am a FT professional, finished my Masters in the eye of the storm, have another child who is a serious athlete and student, a physician husband, the whole works. But I did have the time to keep my daughter from killing herself. I had to hold on to the memory of the kid I remembered. The smart, beautiful, funny, sensitive kid I knew for 18 years before the “storm” hit. The kid we have back again today, Praise God.</p>
<p>poetgirl…also very true.</p>
<p>This family is in the middle of a storm - cut him some slack. This may be the only place for him to vent and express his honest feelings. This does not mean that he is acting on them.</p>
<p>rom, of course you are right. But Dad REALLY needs to understand that no family asks for this, but when it happens, and it’s your kid, if YOU won’t be there, who WILL be?</p>
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<p>This dad IS THERE. I think he has hung on for longer than perhaps many other parents in this position would have hung on. He has researched treatments, facilities, advocated for his child, driven her around, visited her in the hospital/rehabs., talks to his DD, seems very concerned with her and his family’s future. This is a life changing event for him and the rest of his family too. I 100% agree with rom, cut this dad some slack! Sure, you can always compare war stories about who is closer to sainthood, and you can always find someone who will abandon his family entirely from such stress. Please help support this man if you can find it in your heart to do so.</p>
<p>northeastmom…Dad has been there a few weeks and wants his daughter to be grateful, changed. Those of us who have gone through this know that’s what we ALL hoped for…a miracle quick fix. He needs to understand that it would be a very unusual case that took such a path. It IS life changing. It is draining, frustrating, lonely, exhausting. He is going to feel every emotion in the world toward his daughter. I have all the heart in the world for this man. But a realistic perspective about mental health and substance abuse treatment - the time it takes, the cost of it, the frustrations of it - will help him be able to survive it.</p>
<p>ScaredDad may not know what is involved with his daughter’s illness/es. If his D had another illness, after undergoing treatment, he would want his D to be well too. What is wrong with this dad wanting to see his D as mentally healthy? That does not mean his wish would come true, but he has every right to want his D to be healthy. debrock, you even state,
I don’t see why anyone would expect ScaredDad expect or hope for anything else.</p>
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<p>This may all be true, but I think that ScaredDad would be far better off just taking it one day at a time. If he took it one day at a time he might be better at “surviving it”.</p>
<p>"What is wrong with this dad wanting to see his D as mentally healthy? "</p>
<p>I don’t think that’s the issue so much as his apparent /resentment/ for the fact that she is not getting healthy fast enough for him. I think that is what people are actually responding negatively to.</p>
<p>don’t see why anyone would expect ScaredDad expect or hope for anything else.</p>
<p>Because adults know the difference between magical thinking and realistic expectations.</p>
<p>It’s one thing to wish for world peace or a balanced budget , but to think it would happen overnight* effortlessly*?</p>
<p>Well maybe Santa will come through.
:)</p>
<p>Ek, if his D had been through something like chemo to treat a cancer, he would be hoping for remission. That does not mean it is going to happen, but he would hope that his D were in remission. Mental illness and addiction might have a plan of treatment, but he is the same dad hoping to see his child feeling better after seeking medical treatment.</p>
<p>This past year my son was hospitalized for substance abuse addiction. Following the recommendations of his treatment center, we sent him to a sober house that we could afford. After two weeks, he returned to our home. It was not ideal but the other options were even worse. He walked to meetings, we dropped him off and picked him up when we could, we drove him to work, we picked him up; we gradually allowed privileges that resulted in lapses so we went back to the drawing board. For every two steps forward, there was usually one back. It is not easy. </p>
<p>I can say with 100% certainty I felt every emotion that ScaredDad is experiencing now. Anger, resentment, sadness, yes, very selfish feelings. </p>
<p>I am realistic. I know my son will be an addict the rest of his life in need of support from me and treatment. That doesn’t mean I don’t go to bed every night wishing myself back to the nights years ago when I tucked him into bed with his bear. Sometimes I need to be in the land of magical thinking. </p>
<p>ScaredDad, please don’t be afraid to get help and support for yourself. Make the best decisions you can for yourself and for your family with the facts as you know them now. There is no magic formula and all you can do is be the best parent possible. We don’t know all the specifics of what you’re going through but just know that we are all hoping for the best for YOU and your daughter.</p>
<p>Hope is an absolutely critical component, northeastmom. But unrealistic expectations are crushing. And if there is anything that is true about recovery from addictions, it changes ALL your expectations. The thing is, maybe what will result from the path that your child is on is the development of an adult far more beautiful than you ever expected. That was certainly the case for us. But you have to be willing to stay on the path. And if Scared Dad’s daughter turns the corner faster than he expects, it will be a blessing. If she does not, he will be prepared. But one thing is an absolute truth about addictions. Healthy family support (not enabling) will help her get better faster. Professionals can really help you draw those boundaries. They are not always intuitive when you are dealing with a kid who is off track and who has broken trust. Those lines can also help you DEAL with the stress for the long haul…if indeed it TAKES the long haul.</p>
<p>I hear that he is saying he wishes his child was better- I don’t hear him saying that he is going to do what ever he can to support that.</p>
<p>I know about addiction, I know about depression, I know about mental illness etc. It is multicasual & it is very much one step forward two steps back sometimes.</p>
<p>Life is not " fair"- you have to remove that from your expectations.
But reality is that you can find supports & embrace the very human qualities that we all have.</p>
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<p>Then perhaps we can help ScaredDad find support and embrace the very human qualities he’s exhibiting right now. He doesn’t owe us any explanations for his feelings or the way in which he’s expressing himself. He’s human.</p>
<p>Sabaray…you are 100% right. People really can’t imagine the feelings they feel walking through this with a kid. And people on the outside can be unbelievably stupid and insensitive. My heart sinks whenever I hear another parent is faced with this crisis.</p>
<p>I hope if ScaredDad takes anything away from this is that it is okay - in fact, it is essential- to seek support for yourself as a parent. He needs a personal support network for himself. It is one thing to talk to friends, family and obtain advice and input from the internet community here; but I truly hope he is finding “real-life, real-time” support for himself. It is okay to be angry; but you need to deal with that anger before it destroys you.</p>
<p>I’m pulling for you, ScaredDad. In a big way. I care.</p>
<p>Scareddad most of us who have gone through this really understand your anger, and if I sounded like I did’nt understand than let me tell you that I do. This will be the hardest thing you have had to deal with, and it will take time and if you don’t know that than keep in mind that time will be your friend and your enemy. Your friend if you take it a day at a time and your enemy if you count the days.</p>
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<p>Truer words were never spoken.</p>
<p>Momma-Three. I wish someone had told me EXACTLY that three and half years ago.</p>
<p>It took me a couple years to learn…wish I knew it sooner too.</p>