<p>Hang in there. I assume she’s getting regular, random drug and alcohol tests? If so, the more time she spends sober, the better things will get. Best wishes.</p>
<p>The first year an addict/alcoholic is in recovery is actually the worst year for the people around them. They have not yet developed the coping skills they need in order to be able to deal with life and they are just incredibly self-involved and still have a lot of the same characteristics they had when they were using. They are pretty miserable to be around and it isn’t easy for anyone. This is just a fact.</p>
<p>The only thing I can tell you, however, is that IF she does stay clean? She will become incredibly giving and open hearted and will definitely make amends many times over for any hardship she has caused you. She will become an incredibly productive person, and it will be difficult for you to imagine she’d ever been this horrible person you are dealing with right now.</p>
<p>The problem with all that is that without massive amounts of support and patience and understanding, she may not make it long enough to become that person. It’s a long term payoff, short term pain, and you ultimately have to decide if its worth it to you. It helps to remember her as a little girl and not the monster the drugs and alcohol have made her. The parents who can do this are usually the ones most capable of supporting a younger addict into long term recovery.</p>
<p>Dont expect any massive changes right away. It didn’t take her months to get this bad and it isn’t going to take her months to get well. Good luck to you and your family. I hope you are getting some support for yourself. YOu sound really worn out.</p>
<p>I am tired! Life doesn’t stop just because of her ya know. The younger kids still want to play and have fun, do homework, and I want to enjoy them this is just tons of daily extra. I still work out, run, eat healthy, but haven’t had a date night in 6 weeks. Mentally am just drainined and frustrated because I have to play nice…when I want to be like the guy on the Geico commercial!!</p>
<p>[YouTube</a> - R. Lee Ermey GEICO Commercial - Therapist Sarge](<a href=“- YouTube”>- YouTube)</p>
<p>Peotgrl, that one thing you said is funny, that it didn’t take months to get here and won’t take months to get better…I’m guessing you mean it’ll take longer. She was only gone for 6 weeks…and has been in rehab for 4 residential and 1 IOP…change is minute. </p>
<p>I’ll take your word for it that it gets better going to watch the game now :-)</p>
<p>Well, one thing you can be absolutely certain of, given your description, it WILL get worse if she doesn’t get better.</p>
<p>And yes, it’ll take a long time to get better. In the meantime, if you choose to be her support system, which may or may not be advisable, you’ll need a strong support system of your own. It’s not an easy position you are in, and there are no guarantees. Good luck.</p>
<p>The male friend from rehab had no business visiting. Turns out ALL 12 step programs have a 13th step about NO opposite sex friendships/relationships during and for some time after rehab. It is the unwritten 13th step. They call it NO THIRTEEN STEPPING. So you can tell her she can have girl/women friends from rehab. But she needs to follow the “13th step” and you will help her to do so. </p>
<p>And when you talk about 13th stepping, she will realize that you really are doing your homework. And you can protect her from these men as well. And all within the AA guidelines.</p>
<p>Going to all those meetings should be commended. That is a big accomplishment for someone in her position, especially one so young.</p>
<p>I continue to be extremely troubled when I read this Dad’s posts.</p>
<p>Some of us have been doing what he is doing for many years, and he complains about no date night in 6 weeks?</p>
<p>It is ironic that he complains about inarcissism in his daughter but does not see it in himself.</p>
<p>People may disagree with my viewpoint, or the way I express it, but honestly, I hope this daughter finds some other sources of support.</p>
<p>It’s hard for CC readers to know the whole situation. To me OP just sounds like a weary Dad. I’m sure he knows things could be lots worse. But you can’t blame him for wishing things had turned around better, with at least a tad of thankfulness from his D instead of continued attempts at manipulation. </p>
<p>I do agree that more sources of support would be great, if possible. It would be tough for the parents to maintain stamina long term. </p>
<p>The OP is frustrated. But also I think brave to share his tale.</p>
<p>Adolescents engage in a lot of wishful thinking- and from what I’ve observed, the families of addicts do so as well.</p>
<p>Dad- it would indeed be great if your D were one of those oh-so-grateful kids in trouble who you pulled back from the brink, and who is now wandering around the house with a vacuum cleaner and a mop trying to lighten your load by being as helpful as possible. And it would be swell if she’d recognize what an awful burden this is on you and your wife, both financial and emotional. And yeah, sure would be nice if she’d just toughen up and give up the smokes since it bothers you (and it’s not healthy and disgusting).</p>
<p>But that’s not going to happen right now.</p>
<p>I have a friend who lived through what you’re going through, and as macabre as it seems, every time she wanted to get aggravated over “no date night” or “nobody helps me get a meal on the table”, she’d remind herself that her D could have overdosed or driven herself off a cliff when drunk or some other awful fate. She wouldn’t have to worry about making dinner since the neighbors would be organizing meals and casseroles for the grieving family for months. She wouldn’t have to worry about “date night” since her H would be too depressed to leave the house. She wouldn’t have to get aggravated over spending all the college money on rehab since her kid didn’t live long enough to get back on track and go to college.</p>
<p>So she’d remind herself, “yeah, sure would be less to worry about if my kid were dead” and that would snap her back to reality. I know it stinks to be where you are right now, but what’s the alternative? Your D living in some sinkhole with a bunch of middle aged men taking advantage of her addiction? Your D in a homeless shelter? </p>
<p>This is very hard. You are very brave. I know it’s super hard but if there’s any way you can get some more support in your community I think that would help. There are probably friends and neighbors who would be happy to help with some of the driving, groceries, picking up younger kids from school, etc. You don’t need to get all graphic with them- I had a friend call me to say, “Jonny is coming back from college and has withdrawn from school. We don’t know what the next months will be like but we anticipate it will be stressful. I really can’t get into a lot of detail in order to preserve his privacy, but if you can manage to pick up younger kids at the bus and keep them occupied until dinner for one or two nights a week that would be a huge help. And it will really keep us sane to know that you’re there for us in a practical and non-judgmental way”.</p>
<p>Did it help them? I hope so. It was not a big deal for the families who helped out, and if it meant that a parent was free to meet with a therapist, or drive to a meeting, or just come home from work and decompress for five minutes before the evening onslaught-- then it was a good thing. And I bet that people who are close to you want to help in a practical way and don’t really need to know a lot of detail in order to figure out how to lift some of the burden without getting in the way. There are probably people in your church who have dealt with similar situations who can organize a grocery shopping rotation or make school lunches or just figure out what the most stressful few activities of the week are for you and make them go away for a few months.</p>
<p>It’s hard to ask for help. But there is karma in the universe, and there are people close to you who are probably grateful for help they’ve been given at some awful point in their own lives, and they want to be able to pay it forward. And people who know your family will know not to ask questions.</p>
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<p>qft…</p>
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<p>She is doing all that willingly and you are whining about having to drive her everywhere?? What is your problem? It seems like you WANT her to fail so you can get back to your precious “routine”. There are parents who would cry tears of joy if their troubled child were doing as well as your daughter is.</p>
<p>OP-
If you want/need to vent about how difficult this has been for you, how stressful this has been for you, you have every right to do so. This is your right. You aren’t whining, IMO. This is no picnic and you are entitled to have and share real feelings. You don’t need to limit vents to the “say it here” thread!!</p>
<p>Scareddad—“Date Night?” I can’t imagine how the thought of a date night even occured to you or your wife at this time. I think you and your wife will both be fine because the two of you are as I expected early on in this thread…very busy thinking about yourselves. Your daughter has learned the fine art of thionking about what she wants from the adults in her life. I hope your daughter comes out of this fine but I think she will need to move on at some point because you are losing the tenacity to do what it takes to see your daughter through this.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of the families of addicts that have been going through this for years. I am 100% not willing to do that. Period end of story!</p>
<p>I will not be updating this thread if some of you have been going through this for years WILLINGLY I don’t know what to say. Maybe you live through your kids and their successes or lack of success, don’t have lives of you own, don’t have any other kids to nuture and help grow, I don’t know. Everyone struggling because of the action of 1 will not be tolerated for long. She has options!!</p>
<p>Any of my kids will be long gone if the word YEARS COMES into play. </p>
<p>I will not be updating the thread. Call me old school, ultra conservative, tough love oriented. I am not her last resort she has many options she is a liar, theif, quasi addict, by her own choosing, there is no magic JUJU making her act this way, and that’s how I feel. The homeless comments are ■■■■■■■■ and show how clueless some are.</p>
<p>As far as date night maybe some other marriages are different we lead a very structured, family oriented, disciplined lifestyle, so yes spending time with my wife alone 1 time in 6 weeks is not much too ask and is needed and very healthy. We’ve been together for almost 20 years, so it must be working. We used to go on dates every other week!! Yes, I want to be able to go spend 3 hours with my wife alone that would be nice and we both need that time together. </p>
<p>If we aren’t focused on ourselves first and remain strong together it hurts everyone! Our 1 daughter will not control how everyone lives in and acts in my house because of her problems. I have 3 other small children who are being affected by this…too! </p>
<p>Good luck to all!! Hope all of the addicts recover and the families prosper.</p>
<p>I don’t think that people should judge ScaredDad (ie: whether he wants a date night, whether he is worn out driving to daily meetings, etc.).</p>
<p>ScaredDad, you are a seperate person from your daughter, and you are entitled to enjoy your life. That does not mean that her disease does not leave a hole in your heart, but you are entitled to have some enjoyment in your life. You are entitled to feel tired too. I think that most parents would complain about juggling their daily lives, along with the now having the added duties along with the stress of a sick child.</p>
<p>She is an adult.</p>
<p>As I said earlier, it is questionable whether you are the appropriate support system for her. Families differ in ther ability to handle this kind of thing without falling apart. If you feel you cannot, or will not, be able to handle it? Then, it is best for all concerned if you move on.</p>
<p>I don’t know what your plans are, or if you have any plans to facilitate getting her out of the house and into a sober environment, or if you even care anymore. YOu may not. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Hopefully, for the sake of your marriage, both you and your wife are on the same page on this one. I wish your family all the best.</p>
<p>ETA: You may want to familiarize yourself with the five stages of grieving. Anger is very common at this stage of accepting that your daughter isn’t who you had hoped she would be, and her life is not what you had dreamed for her. It’s a very common and understandable response, as was your earlier feelings of fear.</p>
<p>*As far as date night maybe some other marriages are different we lead a very structured, family oriented, disciplined lifestyle, so yes spending time with my wife alone 1 time in 6 weeks is not much too ask and is needed and very healthy. We’ve been together for almost 20 years, so it must be working. We used to go on dates every other week!! Yes, I want to be able to go spend 3 hours with my wife alone that would be nice and we both need that time together. *</p>
<p>Thats great that your marriage is the priority in your life if that is what works for you.
I wouldn’t be able to do it.
The first time my H & I , went somewhere overnight by ourselves since our youngest was born, was when we took our oldest to college! ( our youngest was away at camp).</p>
<p>Next year, we will have been married 30 years and our oldest will be entering her 2nd year of graduate school, while our youngest will be entering her junior year of college.</p>
<p>We learned that internal support means more than external structure- for our family anyway.
YMMV.</p>
<p>Dad,
First of all, you need to understand that what you think was something that came on over a few weeks probably did not. My daughter was a kid who struggled in lots of ways that we didn’t see for years. I suspect that yours did too. I don’t want to sound judgemental, but the way that you talk about your wife and babies might have something to do with this. They frankly, sound more important to you than your older daughter, and I suspect that this is not lost on your older daughter. </p>
<p>You might want to do yourself a favor and look into recovery for addiction…assuming that is ALL you are dealing with and learn about it. Often, addiction coexists with many other mental health conditions, and you have a job ahead of you in learning what all of those other conditions might be.</p>
<p>Forget the cigarettes for now. I know that has to bug the heck out of you. It bugs the heck out of us, too. My husband is a physician, for heaven’s sake. But cigarettes kill you slowly. Get rid of the stuff that can kill her fastest first. If she has to lean on cigarettes, so be it.</p>
<p>You do need to take care of yourself and your relationship with your wife. Other posters who have suggested that you lean a little bit on family and friends are giving good advice. But to think that your daughter is going to immediately burst forth with an attitude of gratitude is a bit much. You need to start thinking of her as a patient. If she were any other kind of patient, you wouldn’t be expecting her to be functioning at her peak…but for some reason, as a mental health patient, that seems to be your expectation. No offense, sir, but your child is “broken”. And believe me, mental health breakdowns can take a long time to diagnose, let alone fix. Sometimes they are NEVER fixed. </p>
<p>My daughter had a young friend who became and alcoholic. His parents sent him to rehab a couple of times and then ultimately, turned his treatment over to him. He held whatever jobs he could, did a stint in the military…whatever…to keep himself in treatment. It may come to this. But understand that treatment can sometimes look like this. It is not usually a straight line.</p>
<p>I suggest that you find yourself a recovery forum for addiction and begin talking to parents who have been down this road. You need a reality check. Thankfully, in our own case, we found that our daughter’s recovery for her eating disorder has been BETTER than most…but the forums helped me keep my expectations realistic and gave us ideas for setting boundaries and keeping our relationship strong. I will tell you that today I would not change the person my daughter has BECOME through this horror. If you hang tough and stay with this kid, you will likely say the same some day. But if you give up on her, this early in the game, you will lose her…to something. Possibly even death. And yes, this could take years. In our case, it was about 2.5 years. But we were some of the “lucky” ones.</p>
<p>Scareddad—Your post about date night in light of the fact that your daughter has been raped and has a drug problem just seemed so unusual to me. These events have all occurred recently (past few months) but the behavior which led to her poor choices and drug use have been part of who your daughter is, for a very long time. It takes a long time to break that, so if you are willing to put a time limit on what you and your wife will be able to offer in support, than you will be in for nothing but disappointment. This is indeed a process and many here would say the road is long and it is hard but your daughter is your daughter.</p>
<p>I wish I could see a little more selflessness in your post but I don’t and I did’nt see it right from the onset only days after her rape. I guess I just don’t understand but there seems to be something missing from this picture. </p>
<p>Who knows maybe you have the right idea and I am the crazy one but there is that part of me that will never rest until I have exhaused every possible form of treatment, support, and help that will allow my daughter to have the best possible outcome for her. I just know that I can’t let go. Maybe I am wrong but I hope not. I just know that two years in we have our good periods and the ugly but every day that passes my daughter grows up a little more and is developing the skills to be happy. I won’t lie, she is a pain in my butt but she is my pain in the butt and I know she has come a long way. I don’t expect any thank you now…someday I am sure she will understand many things, but not now. We don’t do this for thanks we do because they are our babies. (I used your word) I do believe however that my daughter will know that we stood by her through all the ugly difficult crap and we supported her in getting the very best of services so I do think we we be lucky enough to get that thanks one day because she will be alive to express it.</p>
<p>momma-three…exactly. These kids are also scared to death. They’re kids and their lives are spiraling out of control. You think YOU have it rough…with all of your maturity and life experience. Think how THEY are feeling. My daughter is very grateful today that we didn’t let the dark pit consumer her. But she was a huge “pain in the butt” along the way. My husband says she took years off of our lives. Perhaps. But sticking with her added years to hers.</p>
<p>There is no one way to deal with this kind of thing. Everyone handles this kind of sheer sadness and terror differently and in thier own time. </p>
<p>Fathers and mothers also have a different reaction, and each father and mother has a unique reaction.</p>
<p>There is no one right way. It is painful and challenging for everyone.</p>