Depression and Parents (x-posted from HSL)

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My mum has bipolar disorder. Or so she says. My family is not really sure anymore whether it's legit or not -- she likely has Munchausen's, which sounds horrible of me to say but it's been proposed by numerous doctors. Whether it is real or not is moot, however, because it affects everybody, no matter how hard we try to hide it or pretend to smile solely for her benefit. She's been institutionalized five times over the past year and a few months.</p>

<p>Normally, I try to act happy so that my parents don't worry about me, but lately, it's been harder. I've missed three of the last five days of school, partially because I am "sick" but more because I exaggerate my illnesses when I am sad because I don't want to go; I don't honestly care about high school anymore, would rather curl up and sleep it off all day until graduation. The rational part of my mind says that I am simply starved for attention; not only has my mum been bipolar, but she also had cancer from my 6th to 9th grade years, and I haven't exactly had the happiest adolescence. It's selfish and horrible, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not quite the next Mother Theresa, no matter how hard I try to be selfless, to not complain and act more mature than your average teenager, to help out around here with a solid demeanour. But maybe that's just me having self-esteem in the negatives -- I don't know if I'm really as horrible of a person as I say, in actuality, but it certainly feels like it when I doubt my mother and my family because it "seems" illegitimate, like yet another excuse.</p>

<p>This sounds whingy and emo. The point I'm trying to make -- I am depressed. Severely. Probably to the honest-to-goodness chemical brain imbalance. I have been in the dumps from November to May for the past two years, and I had tried to avoid it again, and still am trying, but it's so hard nowadays. I am mostly certain that I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder (mood swings from euphoric to suicidal two or three times a day can not be normal), and I've dealt with depression in my own internalizing way since I was eleven, albeit rarely to this extent. I take all of the blame for myself, even when it's absurd to do so. Now I want help with everything, to get over myself and stop sulking and grow up and admit that I have a problem, but my parents never, ever make things work when I try to approach this sort of subject with them. If I want help, I have to do things entirely on my own. Even though I've made appointments with a therapist, my mother always finds some lame excuse not to take me (I'm tired, I don't want to go out right now, I didn't go to my last appointment, etc). (By the way, no license for me -- was too young to take Driver's Ed last year and the cars keep breaking down to the point where we can't keep fixing them, which means I can't learn to drive properly on my own.)</p>

<p>I really need help, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go about getting it. I'm an introvert. I am very bad at asking for assistance, especially when it's really necessary, and hate making threads like this unless I am mostly desperate. Any suggestions? I don't want to let this hinder my life anymore. I'm already in danger of failing two of my classes this quarter (gym and math, one of which I can make up and the other I am dropping after midterms), which would make the rest of my senior year really cruddy -- so I'm going to make up what I missed when I go back tomorrow and next week. I'm going to try my hardest after today to put my nose back to the grind and be the diligent scholar that I always have been. Until then, how can I know that I'm not alone, and how can I deal with this, whether on my own or with the therapist if my mum ever decides to get over herself/lets me use the car? I'm not going to approach my mum about her excuse-making, because that would only depress her; more than anything, I need a way to do this on my own.</p>

<p>I hope this doesn't sound as awful as it does in my head. I try to be a good person, I'm just not entirely certain that it always works.</p>

2

<p>Skullduggery, as I said on my previous post in the HSLthread:</p>

<p>You say you did see your therapist once. I suggest you call him and ask him/her if he/she could see you in the evening, when your dad could drive you.</p>

<p>There’s also the possibility of taking a taxi – don’t know if your town has them, of course, but some towns do. </p>

<p>Also, ask your therapist if s/he’d be willing – given your unique set of circumstances – to “see” you regularly by telephone with only an occasional in-person session.</p>

<p>Please, please, please pursue getting help. You are an awesome kid who deserves attention, and if your mom can’t give it to you, you need to get it from somewhere. You also need understanding and skills so that whatever is making your mom behave the way she does can be “unlearned” by you. And, if you also have a tendency toward serious mental illness, you need treatment for that as well – either talk therapy or drugs.</p>

<p>Other parents: Advice for this good kid, please.</p>

3

<p>My heart goes out to you. You are not a bad person. In fact, you sound like a really good person. </p>

<p>You do need to pursue getting help ASAP. Call the therapist immediately and describe the up and down mood swings with an approximate number of times per day and how many days they have been happening. Ask whether medication would be helpful for you and then how to go about getting it if the therapist indicates it would be a good idea. Ask whether you could have sessions with the therapist by phone or at a time when your dad could take you. Or investigate cabs or public transportation. </p>

<p>I also think that you should tell your dad what is going on- he sounds as if he truly wants to support everyone in the family and that he will take it seriously. In addition, he needs to know about the need for the therapist (and possibly medication) since he will be funding it or at least having it go through his medical insurance. Also- he may have some flexibility to take time to get you to sessions.</p>

4

<p>VeryHappy – hello again! : ) Thanks, honestly, I am grateful that someone cares enough not only to post twice with valid help, but also to be supportive in both of these threads.</p>

<p>Pipmom – my dad really is the parent; he’s oft described the situation as being a “single dad with three children.” He knows about my therapist already, as it was easier to broach the subject with him than my mom. I’ll try to talk to him about it tonight, about whether we can schedule appointments for 5 or 6 or whether we can do appointments by phone. I just can’t do cabs or public transport; tiny town in the absolute middle of nowhere, ew. Thank you for the encouragement.</p>

5

<p>We all care, Skull. Others will chime in when they get home from work.</p>

<p>BTW, you said:

</p>

<p>You do not need to feel guilty about this. You are starved for attention. Having a mother who can’t take care of herself much less her child is a terrible situation. I think you have been, at the least, neglected for the last several years, and it’s entirely reasonable that you’d feel depressed.</p>

6

<p>You are a very bright person dealing with serious things that will create a reactive depression or you may have a mood disorder. Hook up with other bright people in the helping profession/and medical field. Use your excellent communication skills, use therapy, express yourself, use meds if recommended for a while, and allow yourself to have an identity that begins to take shape outside of your mother’s illness. This will take some time since her life if full of drama and real issues. You need healthier adults to mirror You and see you.</p>

<p>even the lucky…with healthy parents have to push off near this stage in life and start to figure out a new identity with people their own age and new adults mentors. Even the lucky…will separate from their parents over a period of years just ahead of you.</p>

<p>You have not been lucky in your mother…but surely you know for certain that many people who have had to learn to manage a mood disorder lead fascinating lives, are loved and are extremely valuable. </p>

<p>Your life is more than your mother’s experience. You really can have your own life and your own satisfactions ahead of you. If you have a mood disorder to deal with, step up and address it. I wish you courage but mostly I wish for you to believe in yourself and in the reality that life can be full of good surprises. Do not let your mother’s illness rob you of the chance to define your own adult years. You can craft your own future. Treatment for mood disorders is quite good now…
take care of yourself and hang in there. Better days ahead.</p>

<p>What I am saying is…not to reject your Dad or Mom, but to allow yourself to realize that even in “normal” families…it is time to reach out to others. If you need a year of counseling…go get it…this is a transition time for you, and you need to hold on to your grades and think about your future educational fulfillment. Allow yourself to make up for some of the loss with your mother by leaning on another adult therapist for a while…its not forever, you will build up strength and be able to stand on your own again. …let yourself get some real attention now…you deserve it…you need a foundation to work on and for your own depression to be treated…</p>

<p>making an identity outside of all the drama your mother creates is your goal. Imagine how much easier it will be to respond to her illlness some day down the road when you are living with people who are your friends and who understand you and support you.</p>

7

<p>^ For what it’s worth, I sort of always have been that way. More in recent years than not, I’ve been realizing that I don’t usually agree with what my mom says or does, and I rebel or think for myself in my own passive way. She’s irresponsible, so I make myself work harder to gain ground ahead of that path. My dad is a pretty good person; he has his shortcomings, as all humans do, but he’s found ways to overcome them over the past five or six years and it gives me hope that I can, too. I don’t know if this is at all possible in my home environment, but I’m trying. If you have read any of my posts in other threads, it goes without saying that I try to be my own person and not follow the crowd, whether this be the social mainstream or what my parents are.</p>

<p>Thank you for your post. It made me feel warm inside. I’m going to take everyone’s suggestions seriously – you’ve all helped tremendously. I won’t forget this, and I am glad to have you on my side through this gnarl in the bedhead of my life. Is it okay if, when this thread eventually dies, I keep in touch with some of you through other means?</p>

8

<p>I haven’t followed your other posts, but I recognize you are very bright and that you have worked very hard to gain insight, you have empathy for your parents and no doubt “to tried to help/fix” what you were dealt with your Mom, and I am sure you have respect for your Dad but the two of them can be quite exasperating, and they have not been able to be there for you properly. </p>

<p>Kids like you can be heroic, and I am not knocking that…it is a star quality and a survival outlook. However, you deserve to be your own age, and to have the little dramas of your own year in life matter. </p>

<p>You need a place to vent where you don’t have to concern yourself with being “fair” to your Mom (who does have a biological handicap) or worry about sparing your Dad’s feelings. You deserve to start testing the waters on how serious your own mood shifts are so you are never at any impulsive risk when you swing down. If you need a period of time on anti depressants, see a doctor and do some trial and error on that… You are still too young to separate from your parents fully, so it is very hard not to be defeated by the problems they present.</p>

<p>You can’t rely on your parents to help you find your own sealegs. So you have to turn outward and “recruit” other good people in your life while you are still growing. Be a good recruiter and stick with someone who is a therapist for a year or so. That is how kids with parents with problems make it. </p>

<p>Seek out people who seem to be good at running their personal lives and watch from them and learn from them. </p>

<p>As bright as you are, you will continue to mature for several more years and you can find surprising resources for coping ahead of you, things that will being you satisfaction and happiness. What I am saying is that the way you coped at age 8 was right for then…and the way you coped at age 12 was the best plan for then, but the way you are coping right now is not working for you, because you are changing and your definition of “the problem” is changing…children can never master the problems of a parent. It is exhausting to try. </p>

<p>You will have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself and to treat yourself as you would advise someone else in your shoes. </p>

<p>If you were a father with a wife with these draining issues, what would you want your hard working bright son or daughter to do if he/she was worn out with the problems?<br>
Do that. Be a good parent to yourself.<br>
No one has parents who can be all things for them.</p>

<p>IGet on back to school. Don’t dwell on the negative there, you are smart enough to negotiate with your teachers. Ask to talk to the guidance counselor, and set up realistic ways to make up work. If you are a diligent student, hang on to that strength of yours. That can only help you now and later. Do the work to get to college. Plenty of people arrive from less than perfect homes, believe me. </p>

<p>Tell your Dad you need to talk to someone (the therapist) without worrying about how it affects him…and ask for his support in getting you there. It may take a while before you make up your mind about the degree of depression, and what you need to alleve that…talk with someone who is a professional, and begin that dialogue. </p>

<p>Believe in yourself and your capacity for happier times and your ability to define you life is still ahead of you.</p>

9

<p>Do you have a counselor in your school? That may be a good, in person interim step, and with your dad, they may be able to help you find a way to see a therapist regularly.</p>

10

<p>Ditto what shrinkrap said, skullduggery. Reaching out to those who are accessible to you is a great starting point. The school counselors might also be able to help facilitate a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist or therapist that has availability after school or on a weekend. Pleas stop by your counselors office tomorrow!</p>

11

<p>And please post on here as things progress so we know what’s going on.</p>

12

<p>Hi skullduggery, You got some good advice here. Go to see your hs counselor. I am sure that something can be worked out. Seek out some help so that you can start to feel better. You have lots of parents at CC who do care about you.</p>

13

<p>See a threrapist as soon as possible</p>

14

<p>Skullduggery, I join all of the parents who are rooting for you and offering support. You are a wonderful, mature and sensitive young person–my heart aches that you’ve been deprived of your mother’s attention and guidance for so long. You’re fortunate your dad is committed to doing the best he can to fill the role of two parents. </p>

<p>Depression is something I’ll bet a majority of us have experienced at least one time in our lives. We can relate.</p>

<p>In addition to all of the other good suggestions, may I suggest you think about the teachers you had last year and consider whether one of them would be a good choice for in-person support? Counseling fulfills many critical needs, and I wholeheartedly encourage you to pursue the private therapy option as well as school counseling. But the relationship you have with a counselor isn’t the same as the kind of two-way relationship you desperately need with another positive adult fan and mentor (your dad is obviously one, but a parent is still a parent, and I imagine he’s spread a little thin trying to do it all). </p>

<p>You said you were introverted. This is a very perceptive and significant observation about yourself. Depressed introverts can face unique challenges in recovering because they tend to deprive themselves of the nourishment and support of others, which really does help you pick yourself back up and keep going, each and every day. So even though it might be a stretch for you, please think about approaching a past teacher (or other adult) with whom you feel a connection. I think you’ll find near “instant gratification,” because that person is almost guaranteed to give you the same kind of feedback we’re giving you–which you said has helped you–plus the HUGE bonus of personalized attention, praise, encouragement, constructive help, identification of other avenues of localized support, etc. </p>

<p>And the same goes for peer support. Although you didn’t comment on friends, I’m guessing there’s a good chance your circle of friends is small and that you’ve withdrawn even further. If I’m wrong, I hope you’re tapping into that lifeline. But if I’m right, think about one or two of the kindest, gentlest, warmest, silliest friends or classmates you know–whatever “feel good” attribute draws you to that person–and simply make a point of trying to be around them more. You don’t need to start pouring out your troubles to peers–that’s not what I’m saying. I’m simply suggesting that you need to make the effort to be engaged, have conversations, laugh, go have some fun for heaven’s sake! So initiate a conversation. Go sit by someone. Ask someone to go have a coke or coffee. Resist the temptation to skip your EC’s, youth groups, etc.</p>

<p>Forced smiling works. :slight_smile: It sounds lame, but it’s contagious–making eye contact with someone else, flashing a smile and getting their smile right back feels good! Return smiles people flash at you, too! Watch out, smiling can lead to other things and can be habit-forming!</p>

<p>Wake up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and say two things: (1) “Good morning, Skull. You are a great person. I like the way you __________<strong><em>, or you are really good at </em></strong>_________<strong><em>." Come up with a new fill-in-the-blank every day, and pretty soon, you’ll surprise yourself at how many awesome things can be said about Skull. The list goes on and on! (2) "Go get 'em, today is a new day. I’m going to do </em></strong> to make it even better than yesterday!” Okay, so this exercise is another psycho-babble for dummies sort of thing, right?! But the concepts are solid. Always be the first in line to tell yourself how good a person you are. If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s hard to inspire others to believe in you. And no matter what happened the day before, it’s over–so take it one day at a time, welcome the gift of a fresh start and blank slate and set one specific goal you want to achieve that day. It should be totally attainable–don’t set yourself up for failure!–and concrete, but doesn’t have to be “finish my paper” or “go talk to Mr. X,” which, indeed, might be good and attainable goals for that day, but can be as simple and perhaps equally important as, “talk to Y in PE today,” “do not walk looking at the floor one time today,” “find something about difficult teacher Z that makes me laugh,” etc. </p>

<p>And about keeping up with everything’s that on your plate right now, I always find it easier to break the array of pending incomplete tasks down into realistic chunks so I get built-in “atta girls” when I can check off completion of a chunk. So if you feel like you’re sinking in quicksand and everything you have to do is this humongous, suffocating mass of ugly deadlines and impossible tasks closing in on you, try this: Sit down, make a list of everything that’s due, a “to do,” that’s bugging you, a personal goal, etc. Prioritize it. And then make a daily “I Can Do This Today” list, writing down only the next however many items in the order of priority you can realistically do that day. This will give you a way to tackle defined tasks, get some positive reinforcement from completing them and be able to shut off the worry about things that aren’t on Today’s list. This will also help you see if you are in good shape with your time management or if you’ve slipped behind and need to go get some extensions–hard to ask for, but it feels so incredibly good once you’ve had that discussion! Another thing I do is build in some rewards for myself, particularly when I complete something I’ve been procrastinating. Everyone deserves fun time, personal time. So every Today’s list should include something you like to do, e.g., read 1 chapter of MyFavoriteTrashNovel, play 30 min. of hoops or WOW, watch 30 min. of MyFavoriteNoBrainerTV, etc. (And if you’re like me, you might have been spending way too much time on such things instead what you should’ve been doing–so it’s a good way to give yourself a piece of time doing that “escape” thing, but with a firm limit.) I will add to Today’s list a bonus “reward” if I complete an ugly task on the list that’s really been eating away at me (instead of finding a way to justify it’s shift to the next day’s list!). </p>

<p>Skull, this is just stuff that’s worked for me–you’ve gotta figure out your own methods. But I guess my point is, as incongruous as it sounds, you do have to work at feeling better and taking control of your destiny, and employing some seemingly artificial devices has been one approach (not in isolation, of course–you must have the counseling piece, among others) I’ve found helpful because it’s easy, I can do it Today, it empowers me to organize, design and take charge, and I can immediately see relief from it.</p>

<p>I wish you all the best.</p>

15

<p>Faline and TXArtemis – thanks a bunch for your incredibly involved posts. That was a lot of reading, but worth it. : ) I will take your words to heart and work on it. Especially about skipping ECs, which I tend to do when I’m upset because I don’t want people to see me sulking! Well, that and scheduling, but I already have a planner and stuff (really, How To Be A Straight-A Student had some great ideas there). I’m grateful for your help.</p>

16

<p>you are very welcome. just another parent who used to be clued into the day to day ups and downs of my own sons…one a senior in college and another a senior in high school. Living through painful times can be a strength for you later…make you more insightful, more realistic and more compassionate. But you are no good to your own future family and children if you are not artfully good to yourself. I know your mother’s issues tend to make yours invisible. </p>

<p>Staying afloat in school is being good to yourself. Considering medication if your mood is really bleak is being good to yourself. Don’t be too afraid of that route…as you are young and can also choose to be off meds…meds are only used in a dialogue with a doctor and are extremely individual…but you have been through some serious stressors. </p>

<p>You are young enough to have some future surges of good emotions ahead in your life…how you feel now is NOT permanent. </p>

<p>But first you need to name your feelings, turn them over and know yourself…then you can be more observant of others and engage with them more. I know that at your age friendship with people your own age becomes more and more the goal…so spend a little time to sort out the issues from your stress with your parents…to “clean house” a bit internally…and “Make room” for new people in your life coming up…right around the corner. The past is important, but has to be put “in its place.” That is what Therapy can do for you. Reframe your past, redefine the issues, help clarify what you need to be careful about, what you understand your vulnerabilities are, and what you realize your strengths are. I notice you are highly verbal. That is good, a good skill set in your favor… for the elusive process called therapy.<br>
You have a future to define. If you don’t spend some time with a therapist now, and allow yourself to vent and talk, you will have a hard time getting in prime shape to make friends with your own generation at the right crossroads coming up ahead…you must be in better shape so you can meet…the people you will grow up with in your twenties. So…although your Mom’s issues are very dramatic, you also have to find your way to your own life. That is your task. If you can find your way to your own health and life, you will also be giving your father a great gift and be bringing back strength to your family.</p>

17

<p>I had an appointment scheduled for yesterday afternoon, but naturally, my mom didn’t want to drive me. Mm, she’s just so frustrating sometimes, like now she’s deflecting that I don’t like my brother because “he doesn’t act exactly the way * want him to.” Um, no, I don’t like him because he’s annoying. Because he is my brother. That is what siblings do.</p>

<p>But I digress. I’m going to call him back on Monday to see what the car schedule is for the week. It’s irksome when I’m trying to take steps forward and my mother is completely reluctant to help me (she didn’t even want me to go to the first appointment, but whatev).</p>

18

<p>Keep chugging, Skull. You’ll make it. You already recognize that your mother is – ummmm – not behaving normally. That recognition already helps considerably. We’re rooting for you.</p>

19

<p>Your mom may be in a depressive cycle, sabotaging your treatment, or both. I would recommend you make an appointment only when your dad can take you. Good luck</p>

20

<p>Well, I don’t necessarily mean to imply that she’s sabotaging my treatment; it undoubtedly feels that way sometimes, but to say outright that “she doesn’t care for me at all!!!1/” is false and irrational. She’s got issues, but I can’t say for sure whether she’s deliberately letting them impede my own progress or not.</p>

<p>Thanks for the luck. : )</p>