<p>JMMom, Funny you should say that about the effort. My daughter said something very similar, that it is very hard to conceive of working so hard just to barely pass. I am addicted to making lame analogies and I said to her to think of this as analogous to a homeowner working hard to build a dyke to prevent his house flooding. Yes, it isn’t as glamorous as working hard to build a beautiful new deck for everyone to ooh and aah over, but it is essential for saving the house.</p>
<p>Help her to laugh at her failings. Right after laughing, she’ll pull focus and double her efforts. The only person(s) she is reporting to is herself. Once understood, the challenges are fun again. Think “Rocky”.</p>
<p>She’ll get through this. In the future, she’ll should be sure to pick up at least one class each semester in an area that’s easy for her, and have alternative plans if she sniffs early trouble (quick drops for classes where she gets that feeling fast). Especially if she’s in sci/tech, strategies like this can be essential.</p>
<p>For example, engineering at Cornell would be about as brutal an experience as you’d see at an Ivy, and it would definitely help to toss an intro Econ, Psych or History class into the mix (if those would come easily to her - depends on the student).</p>
<p>A quick update. DD has an appointment with the counseling services at school early next week. We are happy about that. However, client confidentiality means that we might not necessarily get to know the counselor’s opinion about our daughter’s state of mind. Should we try to talk to the counselor, and request our DD to authorize a release? I am sure that DD will tell us about the conversation, but I am not sure that we will be able to gather any useful information about the Counselor’s evaluation from our daughter.</p>
<p>You’re right, the counselor will not release her report to you. Ask your daughter to share a copy if she can.</p>
<p>The Ivy courses do attempt to weed out many pre-med/life sci and other sci majors. Tests and exams are often written to assure a curve so only the top 10% can earn A’s. Grad student TAs or TFs can write terribly tricky exams, or grade them stringently, especially in the social sciences.</p>
<p>Your DD sounds like a very hard-working, conscientious student- she will weather this first challenge, or find an area of study she can thrive in. As advised above, you might want to look into having her drop the 4th class, and make it up in summer school (expensive though). That way she can keep the D off her transcript.</p>
<p>I think it is important to make sure that your child is ok emotionally. I would want to drop the D course if I were her. What happens if she only has 3 courses? The freshman adjustment to college level work from HS can be very difficult even for those from the tippy top of their HS. It is hard to know ahead of time how prepared the student really is for challenging work. I have written in the past on these forums about my own experience at college, which had an emotional quality like your daughter’s experience - I no longer felt secure about my academic achievements. This is an important issue to be addressed.</p>
<p>However, having lived through my own undergrad, and having come through it with a feeling that MANY professors were gunning for people (which I have to say I find unacceptable - but a complaint for another time and place), it pays to choose the course of study VERY carefully.</p>
<p>The Arts and Sciences Dean of my alma mater remarked at the last reunion that I attended that many students don’t study what they are good at, and if they are not doing well, they should switch. Although this may sound stern, it may be good advice. It does not sound like the college your D attends much cares about learning for the sake of learning, etc. </p>
<p>I hope your D figures it all out. At least my own challenging experience at college made grad school and every job I ever had seem easier by comparison.</p>
<p>Been there, done that with BOTH Ds! 
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<p>Both started out wanting to “go it alone” academically. (After all, throughout high school, they were the ones others came to see when they had trouble understanding something…not used to being on the other side of the situation.) Pleas from us to see the professor, get a tutor, get with others in the class fell on deaf ears.</p>
<p>After D2’s near death experience with organic chemistry (escaping with a C after feeling sure that she failed 2 midterms), she set up a tutor and joined a study group at the beginning of next term for her hard science course and promised to go often to office hours. </p>
<p>Psychologically, both parents and kids have to come to grips with the fact that although the Ivies may be populated with kids from the top of their respective high schools, 50% of them will be in the bottom half of the class. </p>
<p>Maybe your kid will continue to be at the top of her class at her Ivy. Mine definitely weren’t (and aren’t). Just graduate in FOUR years…that’s what I learned to say. It relieved the pressure…on both of us!</p>
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<p>Not yet. It will send her the message that you’re alarmed. See how she’s doing after a few sessions. She may or may not tell you very much about the content of the sessions, but that’s OK. If, over time, she seems to be doing better, that’s all you need to know.</p>
<p>LasMa,</p>
<p>Thanks for pointing out that we need to keep a calm front, even if we don’t feel very calm.
Just when you think you have things halfway figured out as a parent, BOOM, something happens to send you back to the drawing board. </p>
<p>I talked with her today and she seems calmer and more focused. We are keeping our fingers crossed, and hoping that things get better every day.</p>
<p>Ellemenope,</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your experience. We sent her to college. Nobody told us that we were signing up for a Roller coaster ride =P.
Anyway, I am glad that you are able to bring balance to your girls’ lives. I will take all of your advice and apply it to mine. Yup, I think that we are definitely not aiming for the top of the class here. Survival is the name of the game. She can think about aiming high (or not) later.</p>
<p>Worriedmom, it’s the voice of experience. And here’s some feedback straight from the horse’s mouth:</p>
<p>D and I had a conversation just a few weeks ago about her tumultuous freshman year. She knows that we were unhappy for her, but she really has no idea about the distress and sleepless nights and uncertainty about how we should handle it. Interestingly, she said that DH and I were “great” about it. I asked what we’d done right and she said, “I always knew that you believed in me.” I guess that’s the bottom line of what they need from us. So keep up the good work, Mom!</p>
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<p>Exactly, WorriedMom. College is the time for parents to let go of the micromanaging of the GPA. It is a hard thing to do after spending 4 years in high school obsessing about it.</p>
<p>You need to be sure your kid isn’t failing or in academic jeopardy. You need to tell them that a high college GPA will keep open more options upon graduation. You need to make them realize that they, and they alone, are responsible for their GPA. </p>
<p>And then you let them drive the bus…</p>
<p>And Ellemenope- guess what, sometimes your kid will be failing and will be in academic jeopardy. And your job is still to sit back and support. Not every kid who aced high school math was meant to be a physics major. Not every kid who breezed through Spanish, French and German in HS is going to be able to pull a C in graduate level courses in Comparative Literature once they get to college. Your kid-- the one your local violin teacher said is the most promising student in 15 years- may hit a wall once s/he gets to college and meets all the other promising students from all the other towns in America.</p>
<p>We all have such narrow perspectives on our own kids talents. Every kid knows that a high GPA gives them more options in grad school- your job isn’t to remind them of that- sometimes you need to support them even as they fail and be there when the kid decides that they’re majoring in Econ, not Physics.</p>
<p>It’s a tough transition to go from top of the pack as a high achieving student to just “one of the bunch”.
My dad always understood how tough some classes are (he’s an actual rocket scientist). When I wasn’t doing well in one of my tougher classes and was worried about it, he told me a story of when he got a zero on an exam…and it turned out to be the highest grade in the class (scores went into the negatives…). Make a plan and remember it’s a blip in life.</p>
<p>I would just like to say that she’s not doing that badly. I don’t consider three B pluses and a B minus in the first semester at an Ivy League school bad–especially if those are science courses. The course with a “D” was probably just the wrong course for her to take at that point. This may look like a roller coaster ride to you, but believe me, these dips aren’t that great in the grand scheme. She needs to get some better course-choosing advice. She’ll work it out.</p>
<p>Good heavens … times have sure changed. My parents had no clue what my college grades were. I had some really bad grades freshman year, and I was more than a little unhappy with myself … considering that I was a top student in high school. I think that there would have been something wrong if I WASN’T upset with my grades. But depressed? No. My brother suffers depression, so I know depression. Getting bad grades when you really are very smart is depressing … but does not necessarily mean you are “depressed.”</p>
<p>Many top students find the first year of college to be a real rude awakening. They need to learn to study properly. They need to learn to GO TO THEIR PROFESSORS FOR HELP. They need to learn to utilize on campus services such as tutoring & help labs. They need to learn to balance their time. I have been there, and I survived it.</p>
<p>It’s not the end of the world. Encourage your D to utilize services on campus & to meet with her profs. Help her to help herself. Then step back & allow her to grow a bit through these experiences. This will be far more beneficial for her than worrying about her.</p>
<p>It’s not the end of the world. It’s the start of becoming a self-reliant adult.</p>
<p>I have good news to report! My daughter pulled herself up to a B in both the courses in which she got a C and a D in the midterm. She had an A in the final exam of the course for which she received the D and we are so proud of the hard work she put in. Her professor noticed and complimented her on her improvement. It was so great to hear the happiness in her voice when she told us the news.</p>
<p>I cannot thank all of you enough for your support and kind advice when I needed it the most!</p>
<p>Congrats to your daughter, Worriedmom1!</p>
<p>Worriedmom–You’ll have to change your moniker! Congratulations!</p>
<p>Vitrac, I would agree with you about changing my moniker…if I was not sure that I will be ‘worried mom’ again before long! (My kids, wonderful though they are, will have devised new and creative ways of worrying me.)</p>