did any of you not fit in with other college students?

Parents Forum
21

<p>"knitmom, how were you able to have a social life in college if you didnt join ANY clubs? or did you not have a social life? also, has your introversion caused you problems in the workforce? i thought people skills are really important when working, but you seem to have made it ok in life"</p>

<p>I had a boyfriend, someone I had dated in high school. My social life involved hanging out with him and his friends, and roommates/housemates. He was in a very small dept. of the U, and people had study groups and developed good friendships there. I was in a huge, anonymous dept., and hardly ever had more than one class with any particular person. I really didn't know much about how to make friends. I had lived my whole life in a very small town without the opportunity to meet a lot of new kids, never went to summer camp, etc., so when I went off to college I hadn't really given much thought to needing to establish a new social group. Thinking back, I wish I had done as someone earlier in this thread suggested, and just asked somebody to go for a cup of coffee after class. I think it would have made a difference. </p>

<p>In grad school, I was lucky to be asked to join a study group with some people who turned out to be funny, kind, and who didn't take themselves too seriously in a master's program that had some real blowhards in it. We "clicked," and my whole social life revolved around that group and H (boyfriend from paragraph above). There wasn't time to do much but study and waste a little time at the video arcade (I told you it was 25 years ago . . .), so that WAS life for those two years.</p>

<p>It's been a process for me, and I can still look back and see at transition points in my life where I could have made things easier on myself by taking the risk of going out and meeting people, through volunteer work, or taking an adult ed-type class. </p>

<p>Work has always been a different situation for me--I've never had trouble interacting with people at work, where there's a structure on which to base interaction. (Interviewing, on the other hand, was practically torture. If I could go back and do one thing differently, I would have taken advantage of every mock interview available to me, and learned some techniques that would have made me a better interviewee.)</p>

22

<p>i wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person. </p>

<p>"There are many opportunities for growth in life. If college is not your thing, I see no harm in graduating early. It's for you to decide."</p>

<p>really? but i think my case is worse than just general unhappiness with the school in that i lack social skills big time. so i think northstarmom is right - thats why i've been stressed into thinking that i have to stay in college longer, just so i can work on my social skills, even if i'm miserable while doing it, at least i'll be better off in the long term</p>

<p>i personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me.</p>

23

<p>
[quote]
i wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person. </p>

<p>"There are many opportunities for growth in life. If college is not your thing, I see no harm in graduating early. It's for you to decide."</p>

<p>really? but i think my case is worse than just general unhappiness with the school in that i lack social skills big time. so i think northstarmom is right - thats why i've been stressed into thinking that i have to stay in college longer, just so i can work on my social skills, even if i'm miserable while doing it, at least i'll be better off in the long term</p>

<p>i personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me.

[/quote]

I think you need a big injection of confidence --it will make you more approachable. You can be simultaneously confident and reserved.</p>

<p>You mentioned volunteering --you're a junior, don't waste your time joining religious/volunteering organizations or specialized clubs with established cliques. Get involved in activities that have social potential i.e. I highly doubt you'll find out about a nice party at a lame key club meeting. Intramural sports perhaps? </p>

<p>Here's a suggestion: do something that completely shatters your comfort zone. E.g. strike up a conversation with an attractive girl whom you've been eyeing. (I mean, you're a junior! Seriously, what do you have to lose?!) Just start talking --don't think about it, don't analyze it, don't strategize. Everything will go fine and you'll have a small moral victory. Then do something else that normally would transcend you're comfort zone. Then something else. Pretty soon your confidence will start growing and you'll find socializing to be easy.</p>

<p>Also, seriously consider lifting weights and learning how to dance. (The two quickest confidence boosters I can think of for guys.) Good luck!</p>

24

<p>" wasted my winter quarter by being involved with volunteer groups as they were boring. i didnt really gain much social skills either as i'm still a pretty shy, socially awkward person. '</p>

<p>Research has indicated that one of the things that makes people happiest is doing things for others. Your characterizing volunteer groups, and I consequently assume also volunteering as being "boring" indicates either you are so depressed that you can't experience joy or you are so negative that no matter what the experience is, you won't find fulfillment and friends.</p>

<p>Volunteering is actually one of the easiest ways to make friends. People who volunteer tend to be nice people who are open to knowing others. I've made many friends through volunteering as has S, 20, who is shy. Volunteering also helped with S's social skills and confidence. Of course, for volunteering to be something that you enjoy, you have to choose volunteer activities that you like.</p>

<p>" personally dont think the book "how to win friends" helps. people may be nice to me, but they dont seem interested in getting to know me better or hanging out with me."</p>

<p>I have followed your concerns posted here and on the College Life board, and you've gotten many good suggestions, but have rejected them all.</p>

<p>There is something wrong with how you're looking at the world. I am guessing that although you don't realize it, you are suffering from depression. That can be determined via a medical examination plus evaluation by a therapist -- something you can get at your college counseling center.</p>

<p>It's easy not to know that you're depressed particularly if you may have suffered this all of your life, and if you come from a family in which family members are depressed.</p>

<p>Three years ago, I got on antidepressant medication after having therapy for bouts of depression I'd experienced throughout my life. Ends up that I have a seratonin deficiency, and probably had always had it. I am guessing my mother and grandmother also had it as I now realize, they showed classic signs of depression</p>

<p>The medication changed my life. Antidepresssants aren't happy pills. I have normal ups and downs. What I don't have is a pervasive negative attitude and downer mood. I literally have blossomed into a person who is social, has many friends, and pursues many activities that I used to shy away from . I've learned that I have gifts as an actress, photographer and party hostess -- things that I never realized before.</p>

<p>I had been in therapy several times, too, but what really changed my life was getting medication. Getting that didn't mean I had a weak character any more than that would be true of a diabetic who used insulin.</p>

<p>Since no one -- including me -- can diagnose you over the Internet, my advice is to take advantage of the resources you have at your school -- and get an evaluation to find out if depression or some other health problem is causing or contributing to your misery. Much as people like me would like to help you, far better help is available via your doctor and school counseling center.</p>

<p>FWIW: I read, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" when I was a shy high schooler, and found it very helpful.</p>