Did you cry when you left D/S at college?

Parents Forum
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<p>Williamsdad,</p>

<p>Welcome to CC. </p>

<p>Did I cry when my only child left for college? I took a couple of days off, because not only did I cry, I had to lay down and take a nap when I got home. My family thought I was crazy because for the first few days, when they asked about her, in between tears I would say that “she is with those people.” It is really great that I can look back and laugh at myself now.</p>

<p>I had not felt such a flood of emotions; laughter, joy, pride, fear, my heart being full and nerves since they placed her in my arms for the first time. Like others have already said, we raise our children in hopes that they would get to this point of going on to the next phase of their life. No matter how much people talk about giving our kids roots and wings, there is just a tiny tiny part of us that sometimes want to clip those wings.</p>

<p>Oh, but when they come home from break for the first time and you see them. You wonder what happened to my baby, and where did this amazing young man/woman come from? It is hard to beleive how much they have grown in such a small amount of time. </p>

<p>By the time christmas break rolls around and they are talking about going back “home” which is to college and their other life, you can’t even get mad because you know that they have found their niche and their people.</p>

<p>Yes, she did leave me with a lovely parting gift, her dog. There is nothing like picking up poop at 6:30 in the morning.</p>

<p>So as your son goes off and starts his next chapter, it is my hope that you can start a new chapter too. I am sorry about the difficulty you have had in your home, but I hope that you can forgive, not for their sake, but for yours. Don’t let what happened rob you of your joy, eat away at your soul (because that is what anger does) or have you give up your power. Remember that you have little eyes watching you and you are teaching them through your example how to treat people, how to overcome.</p>

<p>Again, welcome, welcome and you see that you are not alone (because you may have very well found “your people”.</p>

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<p>Did I cry? Absolutely, but after settling my son into the dorm, I was also absolutely sure that he was in the right place. That made it easier.</p>

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<p>How sad that you think that your best times with your son are in the past. As a parent you shouldn’t depend on your relationships with your children to fill your life - your role is to help them develop their own paths. </p>

<p>As csleslie51 said - there are things to be sad about - feelings of doom and long-lasting sadness about a child leaving for college are not healthy and need to be addressed professionally.</p>

<p>I think that one of the most telling comments you made was: “…he knew that if he lived in Evanston I would show up unannounced and say I was just passing through, or that I would want to spend every weekend with him”. It’s time for you to develop a new and adult relationship with your son.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t be so hard on williamsdad, gusaspara. From his post, it sounds like he and his son went through some very difficult times together and emerged well and that even after that, he goes back to a situation that is complex and sadness-inducing. I’m no psychologist but it sounds like the basic structure of his situation is bittersweet at best.</p>

<p>I feel excited seeing my son take the next step in a good way and am proud that he is the kid he is. I sense that williamsdad feels the same way. We did a big part of our jobs in enabling our kids to be able to take the wonderful steps they are taking. My daughter (and son) fear that my wife would also stop by regularly if they went to school at Tufts or Harvard (both near us). She will need to learn to let go when our daughter heads off to college (and she vows she will go someplace outside of Massachusetts). Based on my sample of 1 at home and many on CC, I don’t think his feelings of attachment are that unusual. I agree with you that even if the time spent with his son feels incomplete, he is going to have to learn to step back and take pleasure from his son more at a psychological (as well as physical) distance. My wife will need to do the same.</p>

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<p>Sorry if it sounded hard, I didn’t mean it to and I realize that this is still new to wdad. But as many posters have pointed out - a child going off to college is a good thing. From what he shared, his situation certainly sounds complicated, but not untenable. I think he should be concerned if - these feelings stay at the level they seem to be now, he cannot allow his new relationship to develop with his son without pining for the past, these feelings effect his relationships with his daughters.</p>

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<p>^^ Yeah, the way I feel right now, I think I might end up going to see a therapist. Nothing seems to have any meaning or importance. If I still feel this badly in a month I will start looking around for one. But I don’t think I said I thought my best times with my son were in the past, did I? In any case, I meant to say that I feel that the best part of MY life was over, because he will never again be part of my daily life. I still hope to have great times with him. Oh, and when I said that I would have shown up unannounced, etc., I was kidding/exaggerating–a little. </p>

<p>I feel VERY proud of his accomplishments and fortitude. To be accepted by a college like Williams after being in an American public school for only 18 months before applying took a LOT of hard work. He spent the first four months after we arrived sleeping 4 hours per day to catch up. I am sure he will do very well, and I am reasonably confident he will be happy. But I feel like hell. My whole life revolved around him for so long that now that I have nothing to revolve around I feel I’m drifting. It’s stupid, I know. And my girls need me too, so I must get over it, and I will. </p>

<p>It just occurred to me that part of the reason for my grief is cultural. In Mexico, few kids leave home to go to school elsewhere, and most only leave when they marry. I wasn’t prepared for this.</p>

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<p>sybbie719:</p>

<p>Thank you so much. They actually start calling college home, huh? How depressing.</p>

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<p>Cried about ten minutes and about 8 for second child</p>

<p>Husband didn’t cry</p>

<p>Yes we miss them, but this is what is supposed to happen. They leave the next and go have adventures.</p>

<p>Maybe I am odd, but I don’t feel a hole, don’t feel any emptiness, don’t feel something is missing</p>

<p>I jsut feel pride, and joy and happiness- both our Ds are happy, healthly, and full of life- meeting new people, learning so much, doing good works.</p>

<p>Williamsdad, are you still married? Cause if you are, you are driving your wife nuts. And your friends and anyone who knows you.</p>

<p>I just had dinner with a dad who is dealing with this about as well as you are, and he was making everyone around him crazy.</p>

<p>He finally got it that this was a chance for him to be with his wife again, like honeymooners, that all they had worked for had happened, that sitting and moping and feeling sorry for himself didn’t do his daughter any good, jsut made her feel bad. So its time to look at the good here and don’t make everyone else miserble, including your son, because he will feel it in the phone calls and feel awful for leaving you and his school work etc will suffer. Don’t think that is what you want.</p>

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<p>Neither DH nor I cried when our S’s left for college. We were happy for them because they were happy. Also because they were so completely independent of us during Senior yr of h.s., we were used to them not being around much. We learned to have/enjoy a life that did not completely revolve around them. You will to williamsdad, esp. if you have other children at home who need you.</p>

<p>I’ll never forget lying in bed listening to my mother cry in the next room the night before I left for college. My father had passed away years earlier. I was the last child left at home. I was overwhelmed with a sense of guilt. I felt guilty for leaving her alone and guilty for my excitement about going to college when she was obviously so sad.
Whatever you do, WD, don’t make your S feel responsible for your happiness/unhappiness.</p>

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<p>Much different story. Last year when we dropped off our oldest at Skidmore I did cry. He was heading to London and I wouldn’t see him for four months. This year with S2, we brought him to Swarthmore. His mom and I were in his dorm room waiting to say goodbye. He left the room and we sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Finally we realized he wasn’t coming back. We left for the hotel and three hours later, he texted me wondering where we were. He said he went off to find the other freshmen basketball players and forgot about us. So, no tears, not even a hug. We stopped by on the way home the next day to say goodbye and got a hug then. No tears but a rather hearty laugh. We envision our kids following us to the car crying and wanting to go home, not leaving mom and dad in the dorm room while searching for the basketball team! Kids!</p>

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<p>H & I were both international students who traveled thousand miles to come and study in US. S1 ended up at a college two hours away, S2 at a college 20 minutes’ walk away. We knew they would be able to come back far more frequently than ever we could! So no tears, but plenty of pangs of nostalgia. But it’s so wonderful to know they loved their colleges and made great friends there!
Williamsdad, soon your son will be emailing, texting, skyping, and things will be (almost) back to normal.</p>

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<p>williamsdad - I think sending one’s child off to college causes a certain kind of grief, and of course, most of us understand that no one is saying it’s the same grief as one suffers with a death. Still, it’s real and valid and definitely not stupid. </p>

<p>One other thought, though, on crying when we leave our kids at college. It’s not all grief or at least not all sorrow. Happy things often make us cry, too. After all, people often cry at weddings and graduations. </p>

<p>As for your possibly driving those around you “nuts,” as has been suggested, well, that’s what CC is for. It helps us spare those around us who may tire of listening to us or who may not fully get us.</p>

<p>And as a final note, I have to say, as a fellow Williams parent (and a Williams alum, whose best friend from h.s. went to Amherst), it’s heart warming to read the exchanges between you and Shawbridge.</p>

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<p>williamsdad, you are totally allowed to start this thread and say how you really feel. Many of us who just left our children are pleased to have the opportunity to talk about how we are altered by our children leaving. Your comment on the cultural aspect of not being prepared to let go is interesting since in Mexico adult children do not leave at age 18 to “start their own lives” as much. I have not shed a tear since leaving my last son this week. This is cultural for me because I do not want to elicit the response that is the norm in my family…“GOOD! It was time!” I look at a large array of elders who are expecting to spend lots more time with me, and I can’t escape the reality that the next phase of life includes digging deep and coming up with the strength to be graceful in that life task of being present for the elderly. I am from a military family that prized transience, zero complaining, adventure and independence, but I want to learn from many other families that remain closer to their children in these college years emotionally in a positive way via texts and the visits and intentional ways of supporting their goals that make sense annually.</p>

<p>My kids call home once a week, which is frankly a bit of a trial in the digital age, and a bit paltry…but it works for us. However, do I think this means that other kids who text home once a day are codependent and weak? Not at all. I envy families that can chat with ease with their adult children without threatening their independence in any way. I realize each family has its own norm. The whole issue of communication in the digital age is turned on its ear…the norm in our era is not the norm to measure independence by today. Communications between generations are things that you have to start to define now as a family in an era when you could actually have contact every hour with ease. I have however, not gotten dressed a few of these days and have not been to the grocery…getting take out nightly…and I think this is simply my reluctance to start revisiting our haunts knowing that EVERYTHING has now changed in a permanent way. I look in the cupboard and realize I won’t be buying this or that anymore and it is all a bit of a shock as these little things surface. My eldest son moved to a major city the same three week period as my younger starting college and he took a piece of furniture from every room in the house with him. My rooms are literally waiting to be rearranged around empty space, just as I am.</p>

<p>The drawers are stuffed with photos and things no one ever put in a scrapbook. My calendar was crammed full of senior in high school meetings and events and now it is up to me to reorient my days around new interests. I don’t expect to figure this out in a week…and good for those of you who have full distracting lives sans children…I hope to get there at my own speed.</p>

<p>I think CC is a place where on the Parents pages you can talk about how you really feel. I guess the goal is for me…to stay closer to my children than my parents stayed with me…when I went to college…there was a huge absence of ongoing parenting, and after graduation very little indeed…because college was a new experience in the family and they simply didn’t have the tools to take in my broader life there. I can do this differently because I do understand college, graduate school and career and the subsequent identity searching that goes with working for a living later so I can support my sons’ with more understanding. One thing I know I can support…is my son building a social circle of peers that will last him a lifetime…we won’t be around and viable forever, folks.</p>

<p>I saw back then when I was 18-22–that other parents stayed involved with their children in undergrad and grad school and beyond, but in new and contemporary and supportive ways and I never saw that my friends whose parents were more involved for the long term were crippled in any way. Now at fifty plus, I see these same friends whose parents managed to stay close but in new appropriate ways…still have excellent relations with their aging and now frail parents. In fact, many of my friends are shouldering care for their parents now with strength. My point is there are ways to remain close without coddling, crippling or being desperate, hanging on, interfering or being codependent/neurotic etc. And I am sure that your relationship with your adult children is going to be richer and more open if you can demonstrate zest for your own life and creative living in your fifties and sixties…but give yourself a break now…and give it time.</p>

<p>When you are feeling the above, post on CC…ha. There have been many threads on these subjects over the years that are great…he never calls he never writes threads. Or he is going away on spring break instead of coming home threads.</p>

<p>When I left son number one at a wonderful college, I was able to see immediately that the peers on his hall were going to be his true teachers, mentors, confidants, tutors and therapists…and I myself would have gone to any of them for a word of advice. what a great group of young adults …so resilient, such good work ethics, so visionary and alive and eager to gain the skills they need for their futures. If you also got a look at your child’s hall mates and said a prayer of thanks…you are blessed. Although the need for my counsel reduced because I was replaced for all the little things…I greatly adore the young men who took over supporting our son, and four years later we celebrate as his friends enter graduate schools to take on complex things in life. In many ways, I never resented being replaced by these lively young minds…as we all know that in your twenties you so need a foundation of loyal friends to get your through those tough years of establishing yourself and crafting your life. </p>

<p>However when the final ceremony came after we had 24 hours of meet and greet with these lovely kids and their parents the week we left our first son at college…I was unable to attend…I became sick. Not all of us weep. I had to say good bye early, go to the hotel and I watched movies in my room…old movies with an actress I never heard of before…and the next day I packed up and left. </p>

<p>We left second son last week at the university where we were in our early twenties for graduate school and first job years. This was a total surprise outcome and even more surprising was how comforting it was that second son would run, play, work, study and wander around our old haunts. We were distracted from our loss by meetups with many of our old friends still living around this college, happy dinners with people we were once young with ourselves. I recalled a younger version of myself and the happiness I felt when I was young and studying there, sans parents, with a full social circle and then…the first jobs in the real world. It was good to remember my early career days before all the radical changes when our sons took center stage…and easy to give my son the gift of being happy for him.</p>

<p>I am not quite myself yet…whatever that will turn out to be…however every night this week I close my eyes and say a word of thanks for the 18 years we had with each son, and I say a word of thanks for the admissions people who invited him to live in and partake in what was once our home town and our college, and I am also deeply excited for our son as he finds his family of college friends in the coming years.</p>

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<p>marite: </p>

<p>“plenty of pangs of nostalgia” - yeah, marite. Nostalgia, that’s the word, “sadness” wasn’t it. Oh, and marite? I have to say I’ve been reading CC for a while now, and I always enjoy and respect your posts. Always fair and balanced. I feel as if I’ve finally met you. How do you do? </p>

<p>nceph:</p>

<p>“As for your possibly driving those around you “nuts,” as has been suggested, well, that’s what CC is for. It helps us spare those around us who may tire of listening to us or who may not fully get us.”</p>

<p>Yes, nceph. It really helped. I don’t think I’ll have to spend money on a therapist anymore. I woke up this morning feeling loads better.</p>

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<p>I think some families are just closer than others. Some couples view their kids as an inconvenience and can’t wait to get rid of them to be alone again. I couldn’t believe all the talk of parents on this site forcing their kids to choose colleges far away in the hopes they wouldn’t return for breaks or summers. It’s really mind-boggling. I think, williamsdad, that in the regular world your sadness and grief are totally normal and I am already tearing up at the thought of my two leaving.</p>

<p>PackMom’s advice is good and I’ll try to hide much of my sadness from my kids, but the first one will leave next fall and it’s coming WAY too fast for me. Hang in there. I’m sure it will get better and best of luck to your son on his great adventure!</p>

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<p>Faline2: That was an amazing post. Thank you. I especially liked the part about building a new adult relationship with your child; staying close in a healthy way through the years.</p>

<p>As for me, I cried when leaving my only child at his new home for the first time last week. But I waited until I was in the car, knowing that my tears would be a burden to him on such a happy day. How could I explain tears that came from joy, sadness, pride, and gratitude when I didn’t even know what was causing this explosion in my chest? All I knew was the onus was on me to keep it private and to let it happen. I knew it was natural, like the pain and joy of birth. He is happy today. He is in the right place and we are all moving forward. Transitions take time. Faline, that’s what resonated in your post for me … the emphasis on process.</p>

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<p>My father-in-law’s family broke up when his mother died and his father remarried a woman affectionaly called “the witch.” He finished HS living with his older sister and her husband. He compensated for that by working in many ways to ensure his family stayed together. Some were great; some were not (e.g., he insisted that my wife go to a much lesser school than the other ones to which she had been admitted because a) it was close to home; and b) her sister went there). </p>

<p>Rather than try to keep the college student/young adult kids together by guilt (though not totally lacking), he tried the carrot as well as the stick. He did one thing that I plan to emulate: In the first year that I met my wife, he told each of his kids, “I’ve rented a condo in Maui for three weeks over Christmas. I’ve got a plane ticket for you if you want to come. You can invite your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend and have a room, no questions asked about who sleeps where. He/she/it has to pay his/her/its own way but all meals etc. will be covered once they get here.” My wife (then GF) weighed the choices: staying in her barely heated tenement apartment in Providence or an all expenses paid trip to Maui with her new BF and the parents. Tough choice. The next year, same thing but a bicycle trip in China. Later, after the kids had kids, he went for less adventurous trips (“I’ve rented a house near the beach in Naples or Sanibel Island, FL. Would you like to come and bring the precious grandkids. We’ll be happy to take care of them part of the time so you can do things like have a date with your husband.”) He was pretty successful financially, but one of his primary values was keeping family close and he used his resources for that. It worked.</p>

<p>Per Faline2’s advice, he didn’t assume things would stay the way they were, but planned things (including a vacation house) that would keep pulling people back. The gravitational pull was strong.</p>

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<p>I grieved and grieved prior to my d going to college. Right now my life is complicated by medical issues, but I dont consider my self “not a parent” I did not micromanage her life before and actually felt bad during admissions because in some ways it may have made a difference. She is so far happy with her choice. Her room is the same. this is her home until she establishes one of her own. We are her parents and there is a bond that will never go away. However, I raised her to be independent so thats what I have. I want her to live a full life. Thers no full life sitting here with me.
No doubt it is sad, the relationship is changing and who knows what to, it is no longer just our choice. I cant make her want to spend time with us etc… should be interesting. I like her as a person I hope she feels the same. her life is bigger now and her time taken up. I do look at small children and think where did the time go, when they wrapped their chubby arms around you and said “you the best mommy ever” anywaysI dont have the same money as Shawbridges family but the idea is great. Maybe not Maui…</p>

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<p>thank-you, Sue of the Northeast.<br>
by the way, I have spent a little money online this week. I have listened to a book on tape with 13 CDs in it. These are my drugs of the week, a week where I have lost my bearings and one where what comes next is not clear! I do however find solace with old friends my age now…and guess what…I met most of them in college and graduate school. How much I hope that my sons also find family like them to sustain them in the ups downs, weddings and births and losses ahead. No parent can be all things to an adult child.
But we can be essential and anchors of sorts in the years ahead. Shawbridge’s FIL did his level best to make his home a welcoming place for his adult children to find refreshment visiting him in. My own family was less able to provide shelter, support and sustenance as we aged up and away …there was a divorce and other splitting events. However, I have to give my own father some credit…he also set up vacation offers and made an effort at times to support family gatherings as we aged up. The other night neighbors 20 years my senior told me: “they have to live their own lives.” I had to laugh…their son bought a house across the street from them at age 40 and they are included in many things now as grandparents…but I watch families who manage these passages with grace. The neighbors respect their son’s autonomy and respect their son’s wife greatly…they made the proper transitions, they forged a new relationship with their adult children that has the proper space in it. They also rent a large beach house annually once a year and all their children gather for a week…</p>

<p>yeah…the prospect down the road of a multi-generational family week at the beach doesn’t quite make up for the losses we mid-life parents are feeling right now but in time…these kinds of changes will feel right…"</p>

<p>eldest son has his first job and how beautiful the word JOB is in this economy…you will get to the point when this word means more to you than anything in your hopes for your child. however, the reality that he has only 2 weeks off a year and obviously can’t give us all of that precious time has yet to drift down into our reality…</p>

<p>thanks for listening, everyone</p>

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<p>I don’t that not grieving the child who has left for college has anything to do with family closeness. Not at all. Our family is a very tight family.</p>

<p>We just realize that this is what we wanted for our Ds. This is where they are supposed to be. This is what they are supposed to be doing and are so happy. Any sadness we may feel for not having them around all the time is quickly balanced by thinking about them sitting in a classroom, learning about art, or going to a yoga class with the floormates, or having coffee with that cute boy from boston.</p>

<p>i just don’t see it as sad, not by a long shot. Its different, we need to fill our lives with other things, like the walk on the beach we did last night and then dinner with friends. </p>

<p>Of course this is still their home, but if things are rearranged, rooms freshened up, old stuff donated, that is part of life. </p>

<p>I never saw my wonderful daughters as inconviences. We are just so thrilled for them we don’t feel a loss. My D just called to tell me about an amazing internship possibility. How can one feel depressed or grieve when those things are happening?</p>

<p>I had a moment yesterday when I got some sorbet and realized I usually shared it with my D, who is now across the country. I sighed, ate half, froze the rest, and counted my blessings that they are happy, healthy, have friends, have no major issues and are very very lucky.</p>