<p>Thanks for your note iltq22. Your attitude is the one I am trying to adopt. </p>
<p>As I talk with friends about the dropoff, I keep saying that D was so ready for this step to independence. We were always a little slower in acknowledging she was ready to handle it. It was time, we just need to catch up with her and find our way to new roles in communities that will fill some of the emptiness we are feeling.</p>
<p>Yeah, I was driving home last night absentmindedly and saw my son’s car parked in the driveway. My first feeling was “good, he’s home, I can relax and watch Boston Legal with him,” and when it hit me that is wasn’t so my stomach flipped. Then I parked my car in the garage, and walked outside again to look at his car in the moonlight (full moon last night). I stayed out looking at the night sky for about a half hour, crying, but not as much as before.</p>
<p>I did not cry when we dropped FirstToGo off this past weekend … the school is such a great fit and we were so excited about her excitement. That said since we’ve been home her empty room is a real pull on my heart … the sounds and rhythm of the house have changed … and I find myself wandering into her room often. We know things are going OK (we have contact!) but we miss her very much and yes I’ve cried.</p>
<p>My daughter doesn’t leave until NEXT year and I’m already crying just reading this thread!!! And neither of us are prone to “sappy” crying. But I’m also the Mom and the Dad…have been since her birth. And she’s my only child. So it’s been just the two of us for a long time. And I used to have to take her to work with me because I couldn’t afford day care…we were together 24-7. She’s NEVER had a problem going away to camps, even from a very young age - but this will be different. SO different. WilliamsDad - your son is VERY lucky.</p>
<p>I sympathize with everyone dealing with the sadness of facing an empty place in their homes. When we dropped our 2nd son (and last child), off as a freshman I was very depressed and sad for a good two months. So much of our lives had revolved around his activities and the parents of his team mates had become our social circle. It was very difficult. However, now that he is starting his senior year I can’t believe how quickly time has flown past. Let me assure you, they do eventually evolve into amazing mature adults. Our son did not come home this past summer, and I made a quick trip to see him. We had the best time, so many good conversations and really just enjoyed being with each other. We were out at dinner one night and had been discussing his plans and ideas for post-college life when it suddenly struck me that this is what it feels like when you finally get to be your child’s friend and interact as equals. The whole time my kids were growing up I lived by the philosophy that it was my job to be a parent, not my child’s best buddy. So I want to reassure you that no matter how difficult this period of transition is there are truly wonderful days ahead for you.</p>
<p>CinciMom:</p>
<p>TWO MONTHS? You’re not giving me great encouragement, here. Maybe I will have to revise my seeking-a-therapist-deadline. As for the “interacting as equals” part, I was fortunate, because we’ve been interacting as equals for a years. We left Mexico 30 months ago because of security concerns (lots of kidnapping for ransom going on), and when we got here neither or us had any friends at all, so we turned to each other. At first we had some friction, but when I realized he was responsible, hard-working and even more determined than I was, I gave up trying to “uphold my authority” and I let love, respect, and understanding gradually guide us. He never abused this arrangement. He doesn’t drink, smoke, or-god forbid-do drugs, and his grades were always great. I often think of him more or less as a little brother, and I sometimes mistakenly refer to him that way. And that’s the reason I feel so darned bad.</p>
<p>Cincimom: Thank you so much for those comforting words about good days ahead. I know you are right, even if I feel like those days are a lifetime away right now. Older parents have told me that kids sort of circle back to you a bit when they settle down, start a family, etc., and I hope they are right. As I said on another thread, the loss of being involved daily, with details and substance, is so jarring and odd that I simply feel lost right now. As a mother I am grieving the loss of my pivotal role in his daily existence, even while I honor and celebrate his life on the threshold.</p>
<p>S1 grad. fr. college in May. It went really fast. He is still there working at the college until he leaves for his real job, the military, in Oct. We usually hear fr. him ever couple of weeks but generally it’s me not DH who talks to him. </p>
<p>Last night DH came in fr. work with a smile. Said S1 fr had called him just as he was leaving work. S1 was tailgating outside the stadium with all his friends before the big football game on ESPN last night. Note: S1 just grad. fr. DH’s alma mater…</p>
<p>DH said S1 was so excited, holding up his cell ph. and yelling “Can you hear the crowd, Dad? It’s so crazy! They gave all of us white t-shirts to wear for a white out in the student section. It’s so awesome.” </p>
<p>S1 made lifelong friends during his four years and loves his sch. It all showed in his voice and DH’s smile last night because S1 thought to call in the midst of his excitment and share the moment with him.</p>
<p>WilliamsDad, one day soon your S will call you and be SO excited about something that you will hear him smiling through the phone and you will smile too and be happy knowing that he loves you enough to call and share the moment with you. It will happen. I promise.</p>
<p>Sorry about State’s loss last night…but heard the tailgate was OFF THE HOOK! (kid’s saying)
We are watching ESPN Sat. as son’s team is playing Ohio State, son’s roomie is starting so I am praying for no injuries. I’m going up next weekend for 2C Parent weekend and then on to other son’s move-in weekend. Trying to split time fairly between the two and keep the little green monster from both their shoulders!</p>
<p>So I do get to see them again fairly quickly, and am excited as it is “drive me crazy” son’s senior year. </p>
<p>And as for you Pack Mom you are a role model for “keeping the stiff upper lip”, I only hope I can be as brave as you when it comes to my son’s service selection.</p>
<p>Every Friday night while boys were playing high school ball, it was Game Day. Now it is on Saturday’s and I am not in attendance for all the games. Sigh. Now I need to haul myself up and down the Atlantic seaboard if I want to see them again! But it does beat the Vegas heat, on those hot, hot Friday nights!!</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>I guess everyone reacts differently, but I’m with lovetoquilt22.</p>
<p>I think an event like this can also trigger unexpressed grief from all kinds of other events in our lives. It’s like when we watch a sad movie and start crying- are we really just crying about a fictional situation, or has our own unresolved grief been tapped? So, williamsdad, while I know you are grieving the loss of the immediate closeness of your son, there may also be some other grief mixed in as well, from past damage in other areas of your life. For instance, I know when I left my D at college I was very upset at leaving her and our life together, but some of that included reliving my own sadness I experienced when I left home at her age, as well. Just a thought.
I’d recommend a grief counselor or pastor if the pain doesn’t lessen within a few weeks- Sometimes we need more than an online forum as a place to explore and then heal from, our pain.</p>
<p>Everyone is different, and it is a little easier to read this thread a year later. Last year our son went to summer just because he wanted to get acclimated so that is when we started to make the adjustment. I cried for most of August and then September and then a little less each month. We made a nice family trip over Thanksgiving to NYC and then each time he left I cried a little less.
Fast forward one year. He had an amazing year; found part-time work at the athletic center; loves his school; had a summer internship already and now planning on studying abroad in the spring. I can leave him without crying but it is still sad so I seem to have a lot of flashbacks. Luckily, we still have a daughter at home but she is so involved in sports, school and friends - a junior - has her own car - I don’t see her as much.
I am transitioning. Now I have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up…LOL!</p>
<p>I never cried when I dropped either of my kids off at college. But then, I also didn’t cry on their first day of kindergarten or when they graduated from high school.</p>
<p>HOWEVER, DS is going to be 25 and has his first job…not near here. He called yesterday for the first time in about three weeks (we knew he wouldn’t be calling as he is rehearsing music). We talked for about 30 minutes and when I hung up, I found myself teary…I miss having him here periodically, knowing his schedule of events, and knowing when his next trip here will be.</p>
<p>Williamsdad,
You have started a most beautiful thread. I have no better words to add to the advice and sentiments already shared about your relationship with your amazing son.</p>
<p>I do, however, encourage finding an appropriate therapist to help with the marital issues. You’ve lived thru so much already: marriage to a difficult first wife, marriage to a second wife who is envious of your relationship with your son (as tho one cannot love both your son and daughters!), & a transition to a new country. </p>
<p>By the way, I’ve been on CC for years, even tho S is working. I post on his college site, read threads about grad schools, and follow the news of CC parents whose children fall in love, suffer heartbreak or marry.</p>
<p>I just received a wonderful PM from a wonderful lady. I just want to share one line from it: “It is a longing for the way things were.” It describes my grief perfectly. Thank you.</p>
<p>This article, written a few years ago, summed it all up for me. I hope the link works:
[Beverly</a> Beckham: I was the sun, the kids were my planets - The Boston Globe](<a href=“http://■■■■■■■.com/nqow5p]Beverly”>http://■■■■■■■.com/nqow5p)</p>
<p>Centraleagle:</p>
<p>“As a mother I am grieving the loss of my pivotal role in his daily existence, even while I honor and celebrate his life on the threshold.” </p>
<p>What I grieve is the loss of HIS pivotal road in MY daily existence. As I wrote before, he was the center of my daily routine, and now that he left, I feel as if I don’t have a center of rotation, like I’m drifting.</p>