Dilemma - need help!

Parents Forum
1

<p>There's a woman at work that I work with very closely...I would call her a friend. Her son is a senior so we have both been commiserating this whole college application process together. Her son applied ED to "XYZ" school which deferred him in the fall. My daughter also got deferred to a couple of her EA schools. In a slight panic, my daughter added a couple of other schools to her RD list and included "XYZ" school. I didn't bother to tell my friend 'cuz I wasn't sure if my d would even be accepted.</p>

<p>Since then, my daughter has been accepted to 3 schools and just heard yesterday that she got accepted to "XYZ" school...which really is not in the top of her list. I have not told my friend about this acceptance and have been hoping to hear good news that her son got accepted to "XYZ". However, she has not mentioned anything and I am assuming her son did not get accepted because I know she would have announced it by now. And it is her son's #1 choice.</p>

<p>So my dilemma is this...should I not even mention my d's acceptance since my d may not even accept "XYZ's" offer? Or am I overthinking this and should just tell her. THANKS!</p>

2

<p>I wouldn't say anything, she hasn't provided any info to you so do the same thing. Since XYZ isn't your daughters top choice she might not even go there. Once she decides just tell your friend where she is going, if the question comes up you can just say she's going to that school and don't get into the where was anybody accepted at conversation. if pressed on the point I'd just say my D got accepted at all her schools she applied to but this is where she is going and we are all very excited.</p>

3

<p>I agree that it would be a kindness on your part to keep the acceptance to yourself.</p>

4

<p>I would avoid mentioning the acceptance, particularly because in the next breath you would say that she's not even interested in attending. It's salt in the wound. In fact, it might be a good idea to avoid college talk for awhile unless she brings the subject up.</p>

5

<p>Just because your D has heard from "XYZ" does not mean that your friend's S has received his admission decision yet (it could be in the mail or maybe they have not gotten to his application yet).</p>

<p>I guess if you were to tell your friend right now that you D has been accepted especially since it is not her first choice, what would it achieve except maybe some hurt feelings and tension which could be eacerbated if you tell your friend "Yes Lil Ginger got accepted but it is really not her first choice so she is going to turn them down."</p>

<p>Since final decisions will not be made until May 1, I would not mention it right now (or ever if D decides not to attend) because there would be no need to. Once your friend's son is admitted someplace whether it is this school or another he have the opportunity to get used to and possibly be happy with his choice and both you and your friend will be happy for the kids.</p>

6

<p>I agree with all of the above. I have a friend at work who's D didn't get in ABC state u and her 2 friends did but both have told her they aren't going (it was a back-up for them). The D did get into 2 other state u's that many from our area attend but she won't even go visit them now because she is so distraught over ABC school and that her friends are turning it down when she really wants to go there. My friend, the Mom, is feeling sorry for her D and wishing the friends hadn't been so vocal about their plans to decline admittance.</p>

7

<p>Absolutely don't mention it.</p>

8

<p>Wow!! Thanks for all your help everyone! I'm glad I posted this here....and not listend to my dear husband who thought I was being ridiculous for "hiding the information."</p>

<p>I agree...I would be pretty upset if it was the other way around. Thanks again everyone!!</p>

9

<p>Think of it this way, would do you have to gain by telling her? Nothing really...and the hurt feelings are not worth it</p>

<p>Tell your H that....</p>

<p>Once I was at my Ds elementary school with a bunch of other parents, all of whom had just heard about HS admitance (competitive and confused in our city)</p>

<p>Anyway, my D got into her schools, but several other parents kids got their second choices, it had just happened and it was still raw</p>

<p>So those parents whose kids were into the fave schools, kept it real low key, saying truthfully what great schools all the kids kids got into, etc...and what programs they had etc, all true...etc....not being fake, because indeed each school had its pluses and minuses, just a couple of schools are more "glamerous"</p>

<p>Well, this Dad comes in and starts blathering about how his son got into all his schools, with scholarships, and NOW how was he supposed to decide....it was soooo obnoxious and he was "clueless" as to how other parents might be feeling</p>

<p>I pulled him, graciously of course, to the side and explained to him that not everyone was as happy and as lucky as he was, and to just chill a bit, his "bragging" and he was, was showing off a bit, and not necessary at that moment</p>

<p>he probablly thought I was a twitch (think about it- twit plus b*)#$#), but the other parents weren't feeling bad for themselves, but were feeling theirs kids' pain and plans etc all had to be readjusted and having Mr Happy, at that moment, was just hard</p>

<p>Give it a week, and all would be okay, it was just too fresh</p>

<p>Maybe its a guy thing, I don't know</p>

<p>But yeah, ginger40, you were right....and its not "hiding information", its just not broadcasting it and waiting for the right time</p>

10

<p>There's nothing to be gained by anyone if you tell her. I'd do her a kindness and preserve your friendship and not say anything. Your D doesn't want to go there anyway, so there's no reason it will ever come up, and I don't think you're "hiding" anything.</p>

11

<p>I agree with everyone's sentiments. Put a lid on specific acceptance discussion, even try the "she has'nt told me yet" approach, if asked. My D's notifications go directly to her, and if and when she shares them with me is not my business. If Elon is XYZ, I'd wanna brag a bit (I'm biased) but I'd know better and hold my tongue. Of course the same could be said for any school you, as a parent, respect a lot and would hope your child might have as a first choice, but for some reason isn't.</p>

12

<p>I agree with everyone else. You may want to share this point with your daughter, as well. This is a difficult time for many students, and though most kids have the sensitivity and tact to recognize what to say and what to avoid, many students overlook these things in their excitement to share their good news with the world. If the rest of the world hasn't had similar good news, though, they probably won't appreciate it.</p>

13

<p>Corranged - couldn't be said better. Hopefully, our children can tactfully share their enthusiasm, as well as we're hoping to! It's about them picking their next step in life, not about another student's perceived worth. I actually sense most high school students are better at understanding this than their parents. My D, after admitting to me she had gotten accepted at a school I like but she's non-enthused with and is her best friend's first choice, required that I not share that info with anyone. Can do. Case closed. I hope/think most kids would do the same. I also think most friends of disappointed applicant's, as well as those disappointed, understand this dilemma intrinsictly. And for those, like myself some thirty years ago, that didn't get a favored choice, I transfered to what I figured out I really wanted part way through college (different from any of my original choices). It worked out great.</p>

14

<p>There is no reason why you need to share this info.</p>

15

<p>I agree with everyone. Don;t mention it. There's no benefit to anyone to do so, and only downside for your friend.</p>

16

<p>This is why some people don't discuss college choices at all, not even with friends. April 1 or May 1 you can just announce where your kid is attending. Where he/she applied and got in or didn't get in becomes irrelevant.</p>