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<p>Love this, and agree strongly with this approach. I’ve seen the waxing/waning relationship that many family members and friends have had throughout the years with Judaism. So regardless of what my children say and do now, I can’t predict (or enforce!) what their beliefs and involvement will be a few years or decades down the road. </p>
<p>There was a lovely quote that I read during Rosh Hashana services about how we are responsible for our own souls, and for other’s bodies.</p>
<p>Actually I could see asking kids to at least investigate the social events associated with that faith’s community (Newman / Sheil, Hillel, etc.).</p>
<p>While my kids are still living at home, I expect that they will go to mass with us on Sunday as a family. If they have a compelling reason to miss, I don’t have a problem with it. In my opinion, expecting them to go to mass as a family (even if they find it boring) is no different than expecting them to have dinner with the family, even when they don’t like what we are eating. I don’t make them eat the food/enjoy the mass, but I think it’s important to spend that time together.</p>
<p>In my opinion, this is a little bit unfair. Forcing your children to be religious, is basically like saying “You will eat snails whether you like it or not” If you were to give her a choice, and she said “I do not want to be affiliated with this religion” or “I do not want to be religious” or even “Yes I do want to follow the path of this religion” then ok, you at least have an argument, but as it stands right now… even though it was a requirement that you made, it is an unfair requirement to put it lightly.</p>
<p>I would be happy if my daughters attended mass when they were at school, but they don’t and I just accept it. Sometimes I figure that is the consequence of raising them to be thinking Catholics. Plus maybe they have picked up some of my concerns with the church’s current conservative stances.</p>
<p>When daughters are home we expect them to attend mass with us. It is an hour a week they can spend focusing on something other than their own worlds. Luckily, so far, there are no complaints about this expectation. If they had serious spiritual issues with mass attendance, we probably would let it go.</p>
<p>Heck, even my athiest brother attends mass without complaint when visiting my folks. It is something that is done out of respect for my parents. (They, in turn, are considerate in not trying to badger him back to the fold.)</p>
<p>As an atheist, quite frankly it is stories like this one that make me glad my parents brought me up in a secular humanist environment. The idea that a parent would cut off their child and risk the strength of family and blood over one’s choice of religious belief or disbelief is repellent. I’m glad the OP listened to her daughter.</p>
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<p>This is an exaggeration of the OP’s position. She is not “cutting off” her child, disowning her, or throwing her out of the house. I feel for the OP. We all may be in her shoes someday, although for different reasons. Parents (even atheist ones!) often face dilemmas regarding grown children who reject values that are important to them. In this case, it’s religion. In many other cases, it involves politics, sexuality, alcohol/drugs, or choice of occupation.</p>
<p>Sorry if this offends you but there is an air of creepiness to this situation. The brother “telling on sister” is especially bothersome. But, not my family.</p>
<p>Technically you set the rules but I hope you don’t stop paying. I pray you don’t. ;)</p>
<p>The only expectation you should have made on your daughter is that she do her best each day. I would close the wallet only if she wasn’t attending classes/earning poor grades.</p>
<p>I agree w/the many posters on religion being a personal choice. I too was forced to church til the day I moved out @ 18 & today my m&d still try to make me go! Needless to say I haven’t been back. I share this so you will see what can happen w/your D-no church @ all for her adult life.</p>
<p>As parents, we must trust that all we’ve taught our kids will help them become adults able to make decisions on their own. That includes making wrong decisions & learning from them. Your D has decided no church-maybe just needs a break; is reevaluating her relationship w/her god & many more “maybes” . My point is back off the mass stipulation for you to pay tuition. All you’re doing now is pushing her away from you & her tattle-tale brother. Let your D decide what’s best for her right now & tell B to back off as well.</p>
<p>Another thought is if you cut off financial support, then what’s D suppose to do? If she has no means of paying tuition, etc, she will be forced to drop out of school & move home? That’s a bad outcome since she will not be happy to be back @ home w/you.</p>
<p>I think the OP made clear she had removed this requirement after speaking with her daughter.</p>
<p>I think there’s been a lot of judgement on the brother.</p>
<p>Look, we don’t know this young man, or the family dynamics. Every family is different - and it’s easy for an outsider to judge.</p>
<p>My family is VERY close knit. We all love each other very much. It would not be unusual at all, if my kids were going to the same school for the phone conversation to go like this:</p>
<p>Mom: “Hey son, how are things?”</p>
<p>Son: “Great! Just got back from Mass.”</p>
<p>Mom: “Awesome, did you see your sister?”</p>
<p>Son: “No, she didn’t go. I asked her - but she didn’t want to.”</p>
<p>Given the values of the family and the family dynamics - this isn’t “tattling” or some underhanded behavior, and my daughter wouldn’t even view it that way. It would be parents asking an honest question and kid giving parents an honest answer. No big deal. I have observed that a lot of familes that aren’t as tight-knit and “in each others business” a lot, or don’t have really strong religious values woven into the family dynamics see things quite differently. That doesn’t make one side right, wrong, or strange - it’s just different strokes for different folks. What works in one family might not in another.</p>
<p>I think your point is well-taken, cromette. But if the next step is the parent saying, “Your brother tells me you haven’t been going to mass,” then that is likely to ignite a problem between the kids. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, the OP has little recourse but to start out with something along those lines, since if she starts out with “Have you been going to mass?” her D may well lie to her, which would really be a shame. Rock/hard place. :(</p>
<p>Consolation,</p>
<p>I’m sure the D will not be shocked that Mom found out she’s not going to Mass from S. Obviously, if S is going to Mass, and D is not - then Mom will find out, and it will DEFINITELY be from S.</p>
<p>At least that’s how it would be in my family. And my kids would know the other wouldn’t lie for them or cover up for them. They just don’t do it. They don’t “rat” each other out - but if asked a direct question, which they certainly would be in this case, they answer directly.</p>
<p>Daughter may not hold it against Son at all. She may have assumed this would happen. She’d kind of be silly not to assume that. They sound like a close-knit family with a lot of love and concern to go around. I’m sure they’ll work it out.</p>
<p>I should add, that I would never use an opener like your quote, though. LOL I’d probably have a similar conversation as that one that I ran down with the son, and I’d probably ask, “Did you go to Mass?” and she probably won’t outright LIE - she’ll probably make an excuse - which is good, because that opens a dialogue to get to the bottom of the issue.</p>
<p>I keep following this thread because to me it’s not about religion…it’s not even about control as some have suggested, to me this entire thread is about parents transitioning to a new role in now adult children’s lives.</p>
<p>If it were a sibling, or a parent, or a neighbor, or a co-worker who failed to go to mass, no one would even consider intervening, but a child…even an adult child, as parents we have a tendency to believe we still need to guide, to protect, to teach…</p>
<p>But at some point as parents we have to be able to transition our role in our children’s lives and start to view them as adults who need to make their own choices. As parents who have had the job to raise and protect our children for so long, it’s definitely not an easy transition.</p>
<p>When you first watch the baby bird leave the nest and flap their wings so hard and they seem to be struggling, instinct says that you must go to their rescue, but doing so may mean they will never learn to fly. As difficult as it is, at some point you have to step back and be willing to watch them struggle knowing it is that struggle that will ultimately allow them to soar.</p>
<p>At some point we have to learn to trust our children: trust them to make good decisions, trust them to be responsible, trust them to make the best choices for themselves. At some point we have to learn to trust ourselves: that we raised our children right. Then as difficult as it is, we have to take a step back and take a new role in their lives watching them achieve everything we know they can.</p>
<p>Agreed. It’s a gradual and painful process. It comes to an end when children are completely off my payroll. Slightly, but only slightly toungue in cheek.</p>
<p>Actually - at our house the “letting go” process begins at about 12, and literally doesn’t end until the kid is self-sufficient. It’s a very slow, and as I said, very painful process…for everyone. LOL</p>
<p>When you figure out a way to get your daughter back to going to Mass, let me know how you did it. Been trying to get mine to go to Mass and she has a million reasons why she is not making it to church.</p>
<p>Everyone assumes that the kid wants to change religion or they are not religious at all. Not always the reason. I just think they find church boring and have way too many other fun things to do. I am just going to use the Catholic guilt on my daughter and maybe my daughter will succumb to it. lol. I doubt it will for now but just maybe one day it will work.</p>
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<p>To spark an interest in Catholicism again, maybe taking courses in Philosophy of Religion and Liberation Theology or the like taught by Jesuits may help.</p>
<p>My Jesuit education taught me to think… which has led to me to questioning some catholic teachings and traditions. It’s hard to be a feminist catholic.</p>
<p>Still make it to mass most Sundays though.</p>
<p>My son thought a Catholic school would be too liberal, and he ended up at a Jesuit one! He is a sophomore, and he canteen to church yet…</p>
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<p>That’s odd. Both Georgetown and BC attract and mostly have liberal or at least center-of-left/non-political students. </p>
<p>Both schools were founded by Jesuits and yet, also tended to drive away the conservative religious Catholics and political conservatives from what I’ve seen in HS.</p>