<p>OP mentioned that her D went to her first college because she felt pressured and it didn’t work out. So with that knowledge, mom is now pressuring her D to go to church if she wants to go to the college SHE wants to attend…and hopes for a different outcome.</p>
<p>As the parent of two young adults, take it from me-pressuring your kids into a choice they have not made for themselves is a recipe for failure. Please rethink your stance, and leave your son out of the equation.</p>
<p>If she had decided to attend this college in the first place, as a freshman, would you have made this stipulation? Or would you simply expect that she would probably attend mass?</p>
<p>She felt pressured into the first school - I’m assuming because it meant no cost to you. Maybe what you saw as her finding reasons not to like the first college might have been finding reasons you would consider acceptable - it sounds like she didn’t really want to attend there in the first place. You are thinking the money you were saving could be used for grad school, but does she even want to attend grad school? </p>
<p>Rather than having her brother report back on her activities - whether you are asking or not, he IS tattling. If he is that active on campus, he is not telling you because he is heartbroken that his sister won’t attend mass with him. He is telling you because he knows you made this stipulation, and are not forcing her to follow your rules. He is now testing you.</p>
<p>Instead of getting your information from him, perhaps you should call her and talk to her. Ask you if she has attended mass, or if she is otherwise involved in any faith community. Perhaps she will tell you she is not, or she may say she has found a different congregation where she is more comfortable. But that information must come from her. If she knows her brother has told her she is not attending mass, she will accuse you of not trusting her, and setting him to watch her. If you think of her as an adult, treat her like one. Discuss your concerns, and how you would like to see them addressed.</p>
<p>I don’t eve know where to begin in expressing my feelings on this but, suffice to say, most of the other posters have stated my feelings eloquently. </p>
<p>I will add one more thought. What would you expect of your daughter if an organization offered her a full scholarship on the condition that she attend THEIR place of worship every Sunday?</p>
<p>Here’s what it feels like to be forced to attend Mass when you don’t want to be there:</p>
<p>Oh, for Pete’s sake, this is so dull, when can I leave. Get me outta here! Great, Communion, I should be out of this jail in ten minutes. Yawn. Maybe if I just pull out the cell phone surreptiously I can check my email. Five more minutes, only five more minutes, then I can escape. AT LAST! I’m out!</p>
<p>OP, you’re not going to bore your daughter into being enthusiastic about attending church. Maybe later she will decide that attending Mass is right for her. Until then, boredom is not going to make her more religious.</p>
<p>I went to Catholic school for 10 years, and to church until I went away to school. I did not go back until I had my own kids. It meant so much more when I understood why I was going.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when you open yourself up to parenting advice here, thpugh quite helpful, it can get pretty painful, and go on and on and on and on… just sayin’!</p>
<p>I love Cardinal Fang’s description of Mass and I am sure my kids could apply that same description to their least favorite english or accounting classes. Point is, they wouldn’t think of missing class, just as I don’t think they should think of missing Mass even if it sometimes can be dull.</p>
<p>A few other points. Her brother didn’t even know about our discussion with D regarding mass so the comments relating to him trying to tattle and create a wedge are really unfounded. He is just an open kid who has always gone to mass and it never has been an issue with him. D doesn’t even realize at this point that we are aware she hasn’t been going to Mass. We brought up the initial discussion with D when we saw how little she was attending mass at her first school. We have always felt mass was important and she has known that from little on. We faithfully attend mass every weekend even when we are out of town. We don’t ask much of our kids. We have generally given them most everything they have needed and wanted without asking much in return. We have had only a few expectations of her at school and attending Mass is one. We would never withdraw enough financial support so that she wouldnt be able to attend school at all but her dad and I feel it is reasonable for her to shoulder a bigger piece of the financial burden if she chooses to go by her own rules instead of ours. Right now we are paying for everything except her spending money and books which she needs to earn over the summer. My husband said today it feels like she is spitting on us. We give and give and give and she doesn’t do the one thing we ask her to do that we feel is very important that she agreed to do in the first place.</p>
<p>So… it’s really more important for you to have your D go to something out of force than out of desire? When it comes to faith? That seems quite… well, it seems like it will bite you in the butt to be honest. Oh well. If your D hates religion for the next decade or so, you’ll at least know why! :)</p>
<p>Edit: to your last post, having kids pay for part of their education is very reasonable. That is quite different from what you said early on though. You said that if she didn’t go, you’d take away funding (1 week of funding for each week she doesn’t go). Assuming that she never goes, that would logically mean all funding. </p>
<p>I really think you need to support your D’s individual faith journey. This WILL drive a wedge. You need to decide what’s more important- your relationship with your D or making your D follow your faith journey.</p>
<p>Good luck. I don’t have the answers, but I do know what it’s like to be shunned from family due to religion. Luckily, not my parents but it stings enough to get it from other relatives that I couldn’t even imagine getting it from my parents. My heart really goes out to kids in those situations. How difficult.</p>
<p>You know, OP, my youngest is a member of a (black Baptist) church that she found through my SIL. Because my D is in the choir, and is an usher and is in the dance group, my H and I attend often, although we are not members (he is Catholic, I am not affiliated, if it matters). One thing that has struck me over the years is that this church welcomes people back no matter HOW long they’ve been away, no matter what they’ve done in the meantime and no matter what other churches they’ve attended. In other words, the doors are always open to returnees who are sincere about rejoining. Actually, visitors are welcomed with open arms too. </p>
<p>As well, I have noticed that the members-kids and adults alike, are fully involved like my D, because they WANT to be there and on committees, teams, etc. The youth are not being pressured to be there. In fact, the pastor’s own oldest son took a few years away…</p>
<p>Church is about worship-not suffering until the last blessing is said. Although I am not ever going to become a member at D’s church, I am never bored because the people there are sincere in their worship and put so much of themselves into it. Wouldn’t you rather your kids WANT to be there and WANT to fully participate because they feel it in their hearts? I can’t imagine Catholicism is to be suffered until one is sprung from the belly of the church once Mass is over.</p>
<p>"My husband said today it feels like she is spitting on us. We give and give and give and she doesn’t do the one thing we ask her to do that we feel is very important that she agreed to do in the first place. "</p>
<p>It’s not “the one thing”, it’s a really big thing, a really important part of YOUR identity and HER right as an adult to make choices about how she worships, if at all. She is the same child you had last year when she was away at school. Nothing is different other than that you now have a spy to report on what she’s doing (and no, your son didn’t set out to BE a spy but you’re using him as one). </p>
<p>If you want to force this issue, I see a lot of trouble coming your way. She’s an adult, who as far as you’ve mentioned, hasn’t been in trouble, isn’t a poor student and is even helping pay her expenses. But she’s making her own decisions about her own life regarding church and you want to make her out to be some kind of trouble-making rebel. KIDS GROW UP. How much of her life were you planning on forcing her to follow your religion?</p>
<p>to compmom: I want her to go to church because we believe that if you don’t attend Mass it is a serious sin. Second, I want her to be exposed to the catholic faith in an arena that is different than her childhood church - one that is geared towards College kids. But bottom line - I want her to go to church because she agreed that she would go. I want her to show respect for us by honoring the commitment she made to us to attend Mass.</p>
<p>sseamom: The big difference this year versus last is last year she was 100% financially independent. This year she is 99% financially dependent.</p>
<p>Sseamom: yes i do want her to enjoy going to church but that won’t happen unless she at least gives it a try.</p>
<p>WHAT OUTCOME are you hoping for? To make your daughter go to mass out of a sense of obligation, then run from church as far as she can go and not look back? Because that’s what you’re looking at right now. I was in her shoes! And I eventually had to have a “showdown” with my father, who I loved (and still love) very much. It was horrible. Please don’t do that to your daughter.</p>
<p>I really don’t understand this-because you’re helping support her, you feel you can make decisions for her on how she worships, regardless of her thoughts and feelings on the matter? But the minute she is self-supporting it’s ok for her to make up her own mind, even if you disagree? And it’s retroactive? She WAS independent in thought but now she’s not because of…money?</p>
<p>Edited to add-you didn’t post for advice, I don’t think, you posted looking for people to agree with your holding your D to your standards and your threat to cut off her education if she wants to question her religion, or even not follow it as closely. I don’t think you’re going to get what you came for.</p>
<p>So if she tries and doesn’t enjoy it, then what?</p>
<p>^^This basically sounds like a control issue. It’s time to let go, as she is an adult.
If you don’t want to pay for her schooling, that’s your choice. Whether to practice her religion, or any religion, is her choice. Respect? It’s time for you to show that you respect her as an adult, and let her make these important, personal decisions about how to worship.
It was wrong to tie her Mass attendance to your tuition participation. It showed a complete lack of respect for her as an individual. The fact that you even thought to tie her attendance to her tuition makes me believe that you knew she didn’t want to attend. You thought you could force her with your money. The only thing I would feel in this situation is resentment.</p>
<p>OP-didn’t she “give it a try” for the first 18 years of her life?</p>
<p>OP, my parents forced me to go to church until I left home. They never even thought about forcing me to go to church when I went to college. But even so, they made me hate it so much that it took me more than 20 years to go back. My bothers, who were also forced, have never gone back at all. That’s what you’re doing to your D. </p>
<p>Even if you successfully coerce her into going to Mass for the next two years, do you really think she’ll keep attending once she’s graduated and you no longer have financial power over her? Trust me, you are driving her away from the church, not luring her back. You can’t force someone to love God.</p>
<p>You talk a great deal about respect, but respect goes both ways. She’s an adult now. She has the right to make her own decisions about this very personal matter, even if they’re decisions you don’t like.</p>
<p>I moved 2,500 miles away from home the month I finished my master’s degree. Getting away from my folks’ church was the main reason I did that.</p>