<p>To piggyback on peri, I will tell you this. My grandmother had little relationship with her sons and none with her grandchildren who weren’t the same religion as her. She has never been a part of my life because she chose religion over family. Now I’m 21 and she wants to get to know me. I will never answer her because she chose religion over me. She made her choices and I’m making mine. Now I’m not saying you’ll get to that point, I’m just showing you a possibility.</p>
<p>One of those things you think of in the middle of the night-I wonder if the D of the OP is actually going to a different church or even a different service and just not bothering to tell her brother because she doesn’t want her big brother babysitting her. Maybe all of the dram could be avoided if the OP just TALKED to the D and ASKED. Although, I stand by the rest of what I said last night if that is not the case.</p>
<p>Whether you choose to admit it or not, your son is tattling and you are insinuating yourself in a relationship that is not your own. Stop it now, before you turn around and find that your daughter has no relationship with any of you. You need to tell your son that unless the situation is dangerous in some way, his relationship with his sister is private and they should feel free to confide in and share with each other without you stirring the pot.</p>
<p>Your daughter might bite the bullet and go to church to shut you up, but may be storing up enough resentment that when she is self-sufficient she will wave goodbye to all of you and your church through the rear view mirror. And I suspect you would never see it coming. Is that really worth it to you? Many young people come back to their faiths when they begin setting up their own adult lives and families. That is the best possible outcome here, not manipulating, spying and controlling someone until they hate you.</p>
<p>So you’d be ok with her going to mass and playing Angry Birds or sleeping in the pew to meet your requirement for funding? (which is what i’d do if so threatened). </p>
<p>And you don’t see that this would drive a wedge between you? Is there anything in this scenario that you see brings her to a meaningful relationship with your religion.</p>
<p>Trust her enough to allow her to find her own way</p>
<p>My D attends a Catholic college and at parent orientation the priest said that parents are not allowed to call and ask that someone make sure our children are attending Mass. Everyone laughed, but obviously this has happened in the past (and I’m sure there were many parents who were worried about this). He said they are in college now and must make their own choices. I think if you contact the priest at the college, they will be a source of good advice and comfort. I asked my D if she has attended Mass and she hasn’t. I encourage her to do something to feed her spiritual soul because it would be grounding and help her find some peace during the stressful moments that are inevitable. This school has a wonderful Jewish organization and other religious groups that offer meditation sessions, etc. She considered going to a Shabbat (?) dinner, but she had another obligation that night. I hope she finds something that fits her schedule and where she can make more friends who are really nice. Maybe your D will check out other groups and find her way back to the Catholic service eventually.</p>
<p>Do they have services streaming online? My D’s school has chapel services streaming and archived. In fact, at the move-in parent reception the President even joked that if you are an alum and your chapel attendance wasn’t what you’d hoped while you were a student, there was the rare opportunity for a “do over” by watching them online. That of course implies that they know that many students are not attending for various reasons even though they share the faith tradition.</p>
<p>I would agree with many who have said that you have given your D a strong family and faith tradition that she will likely return to if not actively pushed away. Keep in mind, that there is a pretty big group out there who consider themselves to be “lapsed Catholics” who felt enough cohersion growing up that they didn’t go back as adults with their own families. I would advise to keep it positive and non-cohersive so her experience with faith is a welcoming one.</p>
<p>“I think if you contact the priest at the college, they will be a source of good advice and comfort.”</p>
<p>I agree, this is a great idea. Most universities have a Catholic chaplain or a priest who oversees the campus Newman Society. This person has a depth of experience with college-age Catholics that none of the rest of us do. He will also understand and share the OP’s perspective on the role of Mass in a Catholic life. OP, send the campus priest an e-mail and see if you can set up a time to talk on the phone. He may be a great help.</p>
<p>It sounds to me as though the OP and H are feeling rather resentful of the increased financial burden this year and really struggling to see the situation from their D’s perspective. It sounds as though they’re feeling hurt and disrespected/unvalued by their daughter. I understand the feeling and have experienced it with my D though in different situations. What I have found helpful is to have the conversation that many have mentioned without, however, turning this into a confrontation. When I have been able to speak with D calmly and ask about her experiences I have always discovered that, in the light of information from her,my take on the situation was wrong due to info I didn’t have.The trick was getting DD to share when she perceived we were fighting. Along with this is making the choice to “not look” unless you want to have the confrontation. Always a valid choice.</p>
<p>If you decide you do want to have a conversation it could go along the lines of " we’ve been wondering about the stipulation we made that you attend Mass. How are you finding this? " …dropped in as part of an ongoing conversation …how is the new school, what are your classes like, social activities etc. and be willing to really listen to her answer and try to see the world from her perspective. If you can find yourself on your daughters side again I think it will make your decision about how to proceed easier.</p>
<p>I know that it is a mom’s job to worry, and worrying about your child’s eternal soul is a pretty significant worry. However, rely on what it says in Proverbs:</p>
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</p>
<p>I was a child who never stopped going to church…literally walked to church in a foot of fresh snow in college. But I have had a life long struggle…are my beliefs my own, or those of my parents? I might be in a better place, spiritually, if I had rebelled a bit, doubted a bit, tried out different religions, then come back to the faith of my youth on my own. </p>
<p>You have done your job. Now your D needs to internalize what she has learned and make her faith her own. She may have done that already.</p>
<p>I think many here are missing the point. Many serious Catholics believe if they do not go to mass, they will go to helll. I don’t think it’s a control issue, more of saving their kids soul issue. It’s a major flaw with most religions…the need to spread to others who do not want or ask for it. I wish the religious folks could just be satisfied that they themselves are at peace and not feel the need to save everyone’s soul. </p>
<p>The problem is, this is hard to do when it’s your own kids that you THINK need to be saved.</p>
<p>Have you ASKED your daughter yet? I would have that conversation before I made any decisions.</p>
<p>Ask her:</p>
<ol>
<li> How are things going?</li>
<li> How are your studies?</li>
<li> Are you making friends?</li>
<li> Are you going to mass? Why or why not? Be honest - we just want to understand.</li>
</ol>
<p>Then listen and just sit with the response for a while before making any further decisions. Right now it just seems like you and your husband are fuming mad because she is not following through on her promise - which I totally get. But instead of being the other party in a contract, just be Mom for a minute and listen - really listen to her - before making a decision.</p>
<p>If you had these two choice, which one would you take?</p>
<p>1) Your daughter goes to Mass because you forced her. She naps, checks her cell phone and resents the time she spends there. Any questions she may have had about her faith are hardening into negatives sheerly out of resentment.</p>
<p>2) Your daughter doesn’t go to Mass but is still exploring her personal faith. She may still believe in God and the moral lessons she has learned through religion, but currently doesn’t feel the need to belong to a faith community or follow rules just to demonstrate her faith to someone else. </p>
<p>You’re so concerned about her going to Mass - but that doesn’t say a thing about her faith. It’s just following a rule. If you want to talk to her, I’d think it would be more important to have a calm, non-judgemental chat about her personal feelings of faith. And she may not want to talk about with you - it is personal and private and perhaps even something she hasn’t resolved yet. </p>
<p>With either option above, she may or may not end up being an active Catholic as an adult. But with option #2, at least she’ll make the decision as a result of her internal beliefs, not because of resentment and anger.</p>
<p>Leave her alone. You can’t change her beliefs, only her actions. Which are more important?</p>
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</p>
<p>Only if you die before you go to confession.</p>
<p>So those in countries without churches go to hell? Or is this one of those bendable sins? They always confused me-who was damned, saved, etc. Who rules applied to and who they didn’t.</p>
<p>romani, back in the day, the dividing line was mortal sin vs venial sin. (Something that I think actually makes some ethical sense.) Missing mass was usually a mortal sin, since it was committed knowingly; however, there were some circumstances in which people could miss mass and not be committing a mortal sin, for example, those caring for the sick.</p>
<p>I recall a story the nun told us in grade school catechism class. A family goes on vacation, and the parents choose to skip mass to get an early start. The children are upset, and write a little note to God saying they are sorry to miss mass, which they place on the seat of the car. The family is in a car accident and all four are killed. The parents go to hell, since they died with a mortal sin on their souls, but the children do not, because they sincerely repented before dying.</p>
<p>(And they wonder why so many of us left…)</p>
<p>At the same time, those were the days of Vatican II, and the watchword was “forgive them, for they know not what they do.” So people who lived BEFORE Jesus were only guilty of venial sin, while those who lived afterwards and had the CHANCE to be Catholics and knowingly rejected it were committing mortal sin. There was also a vaguely ecumenical air about the whole thing, so that other Christians were not necessarily damned. I’m sure there were some issues around explaining some of these technicalities adequately to children.</p>
<p>Have the parents and son considering a good ol’ fashioned Crusade to the daughter’s room?</p>
<p>I’m not sure they consider their daughter an infidel, haystack.</p>
<p>OP, I assume that only going to Catholic mass in person, at a specific church, counts? Because the answer could be “I met the priest and he seems like a jerk” or whatever. </p>
<p>For years my sister didn’t go to church because we were raised Southern Baptist and she couldn’t stand the right wing political views of the local congregation. But most Protestants believe that one can “church shop” within the denomination or even within other Christian churches. But Roman Catholics have different rules, correct?</p>
<p>So you can hog-tie her and drag her to church, and that’s a get-out-of-hell-free card as far as the going to Mass sin?</p>
<p>I’m no longer a believer, though I was brought up Catholic, but don’t Catholics believe the Lord can see in our hearts, and He wouldn’t be fooled by an adult woman sitting in church playing Angry Birds because her parents forced her to go to church? </p>
<p>Missypie, Catholics believe that someone can satisfy the Mass requirement by going to any Catholic church. Doesn’t have to be one specific church.</p>
<p>When my mom was young, visiting another non-Catholic church was equally problematic. The local priest called it a sin.</p>