Disappointing Roomate

<p>Don’t over read what the mother said.

It’s just a natural mother thought as she leaves.</p>

<p>I agree with everyone here: with a set of rules about lights out and noise, they should be fine. I think, however, it’s the elephant in the room you’re upset about. I think you’re unhappy this roommate has a BF and therefore isn’t as connected to your daughter now. Sure, she has a complaint about his staying over, but even once that’s worked out, the two roommates will need to work it out that she now has someone else in her life.

What’s a shame is that you’re certain those two are going to break up. And about the roomie and your daughter’s relationship: it’s just changed and less dependent on each other. That’s harder to work out than setting up lights/noise rules, but still needs to be worked out.</p>

<p>I would do anything to make sure that my D. is not in the room with her current roomate. I do not care respect or not, their no respect from another side anyway. Situation like this would not be acceptable, period. You pay for dorm or not, at the end you have paid either using $$ or your D’s extraordinary efforts to get it covered by scholarships. So, family is paying for a kid’s suffering, basically. I would care less how others are feeling. If my D. is distressed by situation, this situation needs to change. Boy, I had to give my own D. this lecture so many times for much less severe problems, I know it by heart.</p>

<p>^Whoa! It was one night (hopefully). Probably on a weekend? Relax a bit Miami. These issues just need to get worked out.</p>

<p>With respect, MiamiDAP, in real life, my distress does not automatically result in others changing for my sake. </p>

<p>The skill required to advocate for ones self is just one of the things I would hope college students are going to lean, in addition to the contents of their course work.</p>

<p>Your DD should know that many college girls with BFs are only interested in their BF; one year DD had an apartment with 4 girls, but two of them only slept there once a week, they were always with their BFs. Another year she had a triple and the other 2 were always with their BFs. When girls decide to be that way, don’t take it personally and don’t expect to be spending a lot of time together.</p>

<p>Once your DD can get rid of that disappointment and expectation, then she can just treat it like a business arrangement and outline her expectations:</p>

<p>No BF sleepovers
If you come in after whatever time they agree is bed time (midnight, 1am, whatever) don’t turn on the lights, use the desk lamp only.</p>

<p>They are not going to be BFFs, fine, whatever, just move ahead with ground rules that apply to both and allow each to get a good night’s sleep. This can be presented with a friendly attitude, not angry, and can end up just fine.</p>

<p>I would not call a roommates parent unless there were reasons to suspect the roomie was a risk to herself- drugs, crazy drunk, skipping class all the time, depression, etc</p>

<p>If your daughter asks for your advice, I suggest telling her that it might be a good idea to separate her concerns/complaints about her roommate into two categories:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>They have not become friends. This is not a problem that requires a solution. There is no obligation for roommates to have become friends.</p></li>
<li><p>Inconsiderate behavior. This includes making noise in the middle of the night, having a boyfriend sleep over in the same room while your daughter is there, etc. This is something that the two roommates should negotiate. And while your daughter is bringing up her issues, she should also ask if she is doing anything that annoys her roommate. You never know. Some people are driven crazy by behaviors that don’t bother others – such as pressing the snooze button repeatedly on the alarm clock, taking up more than half the refrigerator, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, not emptying the garbage frequently, eating foods in the room that leave lingering odors, etc.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>If problems continue, your daughter might want to seek out others on her floor who also have roommate issues (or she may find that her roommate is doing this). Sometimes, a room switch can be arranged for midyear. This happened to my son and (back when dinosaurs roamed the dorms) to me. In both instances, our roommates asked us to be part of a room-switch scheme because they preferred to room with other people of habits more similar to their own. And it both cases, it worked out splendidly for us – we ended up with very compatible roommates (and in my son’s case, with a lasting friendship with his new roommate).</p>

<p>I had limabeans thoughts exactly.</p>

<p>Miami Dap there is alot to be said for your thoughts also. We are paying, I’m not sure if the roomate is. But for what we’re spending I dont want my daughter flunking out because she has to put up with this childish behavior. A BF of three weeks, from the same floor is not what anyone would expect would be an overnight guest! I’m sorry but why is she even there?</p>

<p>This is what RAs are for. She should talk with her RA, and the RA will probably meet with both of them to discuss it. I would engage the RA right away if I were her, not try to negotiate further with the roommate. I think the roomie knows she is being inconsiderate and for whatever reason does not care…</p>

<p>My D had a similar situation her freshman year. Drama continued into 2nd semester, when D finally (working with the RA) applied for a transfer and was placed in another room in a different dorm with a new roommate. It was definitely for the best. Frosh year roommate has since dropped out (although apparently she still comes back to campus to attend parties regularly). Some kids don’t have education as their first (or 2nd or 3rd!) priority in college. Your D has the right to ask the RA for help, and transfer if the issues are not resolved.</p>

<p>

Uh…I’d expect it might happen. 3 weeks? That’s what we call a CLTR (committed long term relationship). Don’t ya watch TV? ;)</p>

<p>Do transfers come with a no problems guarantee?? Unless it’s BYU or Liberty roommates might be having boys over at all hours. Can happen anywhere until you get your own apartment and make your own rules. Some sororities have a no boys upstairs rule. Not that these are always enforced either.</p>

<p>Hahahaha Aren’t they disgusting?</p>

<p>As others have said, your daughter should follow the given protocol with this kind of situation. Going to the RA is usually the first order of business (besides speaking to the roommate). The roommate is being disrespectful, and it is affecting your daughter, so she needs to formally complain, especially if she can’t work it out with the roommate herself.</p>

<p>It seems to me, that with the kind of behavior the roommate and boyfriend are showing, their grades will suffer, and they may end up on academic probation.</p>

<p>There usually is a point in the semester where students can request roommate changes as well. She should double check, also with the RA, what she may need to do to get a change.</p>

<p>Both my kids had roommate problems at the start. My D’s roommate had some ‘issues’ (that apparently had been known to the school), and it was causing great stress (one of her issues was self-harming and my D feared that worse may happen). She also had a ‘guest’ stay over once, but my daughter told her to please not do that again and she didn’t. My daughter did complain to the RA, who actually wasn’t much of a help, so she had to go to the dorm director. The roommate ended up being asked to leave the dorm (her parents lived very close by). A new roommate was assigned (who was unhappy with her original roommate), and it worked out fine. It may have been mid-semester that the new roommate was assigned.</p>

<p>My son, just didn’t hit it off with his roommate freshman year, although they seemed to coexist without driving each other crazy, despite the fact that they barely ever spoke to each other.</p>

<p>"I guess its my daughters business because she puts on the lights and stays up and wakes my daughter up every night. "</p>

<p>Your daughter needs to handle this with her roommate by setting some rules for the room.</p>

<p>You should not call the roommate’s mother. All that will do is alienate the roommate and probably cause your D to be shunned by other students who hear about this. It’s very unlikely that the mother would be able to do anything about her adult daughter’s behavior away from home.</p>

<p>What’s going on are typical things that roommates need to work out. If they can’t work things out, more than likely, your D will be able to make a roommate switch in a couple of months. </p>

<p>Investing in earplugs and eyeshades also is a good idea for your D.</p>

<p>Most freshmen roommates don’t end up being good friends. Being able to simply get along and follow mutually agreed upon rules is what happens to most. After freshmen year, most students room with students who have become their friends and share their interests and values.</p>

<p>Why is she even there? </p>

<p>Huh? Is this serious? </p>

<p>I agree with everyone saying to establish rules. But you and DD are naive if you think this is not typical college behavior. There is often disappointment when a roommate does not become a bff. I think choosing each other over the internet and all of the communicating probably contributed to heightened expectations. I’m a big believer in letting colleges make the assignments.</p>

<p>College kids sleep together. In their dorm rooms. This is not generally a few weeks of sowing wild oats. I hope you are not asking your DD why the roommate is there, it would contribute to her not making the needed adjustments.</p>

<p>"A BF of three weeks, from the same floor is not what anyone would expect would be an overnight guest! "</p>

<p>Sounds pretty normal to me. That kind of thing happened even when I was in college. I remember someone who met her boyfriend the first day of college and wanted him to sleep over beginning then. Her roommate didn’t agree, and within a couple of months was able to switch to get a different roommate.</p>

<p>mafool,
"With respect, MiamiDAP, in real life, my distress does not automatically result in others changing for my sake. "</p>

<ul>
<li>It never even would enter my head to change somebody. It is simply not possible. Nope, I said, change situation, not the person. I do not care if it is onw night, it has happened and it will continue happenning. there is only one solution - part with this one. It is not easy, but it is easier then be with her. I always do it. Whatever does not work, leave exactly because most of the time you cannot change it. OP’s D. will not change her roomate, futile efforts.</li>
</ul>

<p>Miami, the question is, will the OP’s DD get a roommate who will be her bff and not have boys sleep over if she changes roommates? Unlikely.</p>

<p>I’m sorry - but is this thread for real? Of course you don’t call the girl’s mother (my guess is she was just making conversation anyway.) Let the girls work it out, or call in the RA - but don’t make a huge overblown messy deal out of it. </p>

<p>This is a time for the D to hone those lifeskills we’re always talking about - diplomacy, rule-setting, etc. And like Curmudgeon, redroses, NS, et al have said: don’t kid yourself, this is typical on-campus behavior. Three weeks is like three months in college-student-years.</p>

<p>D needs to get the RA involved and have some mutual respect discussions with the help of the RA. Usually they have some forms for this that help roommates to compromise on what is appropriate and what is not, and how to agree to certain things and put them in writing. </p>

<p>Mom should serve as a sounding board and that’s that. I agree about the sound cancelling ear plugs and the eye covers.</p>