<p>Miami, You sound like the person I witnessed the other day when I went to the movies.
She kept moving from one seat to another, annoyed that someone was talking to a neighbor or rustling papers. But the lights were still up and movie hadn’t even started!</p>
<p>And as for switching roommates: are you kidding? For one night? Colleges are not pleased to have these kind of switches. It may not even be possible. And why do that? Can’t the girls talk to other (other than throw someone’s BF out?). Geez.</p>
<p>Maybe Im naïve, but I think that its one thing for roomie and her BF to get together occasionally for sex, and another thing entirely to have him sleeping over all night. As a father, I would not appreciate it at all if my daughter was forced to share her room on a regular basis with some strange guy. If they want to sleep together all the time, let one of them get a single or both of them get an apartment.</p>
<p>Paula80: please clarify something. Has the BF spent more than one night in the room? I thought you wrote that the roommate was out at all hours, but the BF was there only one night. I’m not saying that’s okay either, but hopefully the roommate got the point after that one time and will not continue.</p>
<p>I think this is your bigger issue.
The roommate is now spending all her time with newfound BF and that stings. I know you were hoping the two roommates would be BFF, but it didn’t turn out that way. That’s really no reason why they still can’t be compatible roommates. Certainly not necessary to switch. But, the relationship is different from originally expected and it’s up to your daughter and her roommate to work it out as grown ups. They should be mature about this issue and try to make it work, not go “ballistic” and drive a wedge between it. Or be so uptight “Aren’t they disgusting?” that this happened. (For all I know, the drunken BF just passed out. There wasn’t any sex involved.) Just be a good listener and see how your daughter handles it before you get on a high horse.</p>
<p>Doesn’t really matter what a bunch of parents on a message board think here. The school will have a procedure. Generally the roomies probably developed a contract at the beginning of the year. Assuming this violates that contract, the roommate has to have a talk and lay down the law with her roommate. Then if the behavior continues she has to get the RA involved. If there is no resolution there will be a procedure for requesting a change of roommates.</p>
<p>I think it’s pretty creepy when kids want to have their GF/BF spend the night when the roommate is present. That would be a big NO from my D too, even with ample notice! I’m guessing that the other girl’s mom had reasons for her concern…I’d want to be informed too if it were going on every night (preferably before discovering the impact it had on my kid’s grades) but agree that it would be difficult to be put in the position of being the informer! Perhaps if you’re comfortable enough to reach out to her mom in a general way, maybe with a quick call or email to see how she’s faring with the transition, she will share her concerns.</p>
<p>I cannot imagine the wrath that contacting the roommate’s mom would incur. I think that would be a huge mistake and OP’s D would reap the consequences. There are other avenues in dealing with these matters.</p>
<p>And I say that having flatly refused to allow my roommate to have male overnight guests last year, I certainly don’t condone the roommate’s behavior, but I don’t think it merits such a complete invasion of privacy as to report an 18 year olds non-hazardous behavior to her mommy behind her back.</p>
<p>I think it’s creepy, too when roommates’ romantic partners spend the night while their roommate is present.</p>
<p>However, this even happened when I was in college, and it’s something roomates have to work out in terms of the rules they agree on.</p>
<p>It wasn’t unusual for roomates to have sex while they thought their roomates were sleeping when I was in college.</p>
<p>No one I knew wanted that kind of roommate, and those with repeat offender roommates arranged the furniture to approximate two separate rooms or found more compatible roomates.</p>
<p>Apparently there are some students who don’t mind such roommates, so some really will trade rooms even if the roomie has sleepover romantic partners.</p>
<p>My D did not expect a bff from her roommate (see story above about D ending up changing rooms). But she did expect to treat her roommate respectfully, and be treated respectfully in return. D ended up in a much better situation with the room transfer. They let her meet the new roommate & look at the room before agreeing to the change, too. She and the roommate had coffee and discussed “room rules” before they both decided it would work. It worked out fine for the last few months of freshman year. D roomed very happily with other friends the next year, but is still friendly with (and grateful to!) that 2nd roommate from freshman year.</p>
<p>I switched rooms partway through my sophomore year at a large university 25 years ago. I had roomed blind (odd number of girls in our group of friends, and the rest were all roommates with each other freshman year. In that case, they just handed me a new room assignment and I had no choice about it; I had requested a move, and I had to take what they gave me. The dorm location and dorm facility were much nicer, and while the new roommate was just okay, she was an improvement on the drug dealer (literally) that I left behind in the first dorm.</p>
<p>I remember when I was in college, guys used to put rubber band on their doornob if they were enterntaining, so when roommate were to come back unexpectedly they would know not to come in. I only found out because we lived in a co-ed dorm, one guy started screaming one afternoon, “Not my fault, you forgot to put the rubber band there.” He made so much noise, we all came running out to see what was going on. </p>
<p>D1 is living with her best friend of 4 years. They have been living together for 3+ years. This year they are having some issues. D1 has a boyfriend and he comes over, even thought they each have their own bedroom it’s bothering the roommate. Whenever D1 complained, I just say, “Uh, ha, Uh, ha.” The only thing I have said to her was, “You have been friends for many years, maybe she just misses you.” D1 is trying to balance her time between BF and best friend. It’s all part of growing pain.</p>
<p>You might want to pose a question about this to the college students in the college life section just to get a clearer understanding of what is “normal” for college kids.</p>
<p>Most colleges have dorm sections where opposite sex people are not allowed on the floor past a certain hour. I think, under the circumstances, your daughter might want to look into this possibility.</p>
<p>I dont think it’s all that strange for a roommate to have a boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night. Having sex with the roommate in the room would be bizarre, but not having them spend the night. </p>
<p>Whatever we might prefer as parents? Your daughter may find little social support for this kind of “rule,” and may find herself even further alone with this kind of stance. This is a very “coupling” age…for a lot of reasons…I’d just be careful. YMMV</p>
<p>The RAs will exepct the two girls to attempt to work this out. This situation doesn’t seem insurmountable. The D either needs to say “no overnights” or “xyz notice before overnights” or whatever the D wants/needs. Then go to the RA. If the D is too shy or uncomfortable to confront her roommate, then it would be fine to go to the RA and ask for help with what to say. Do not call the parents.</p>
<p>Redroses,
"Miami, the question is, will the OP’s DD get a roommate who will be her bff and not have boys sleep over if she changes roommates? Unlikely. "</p>
<p>-First, expectation of roommate being bff is not realistic. Yes, it is not likely. As long as they are not eating each other alive while in the same room, it is acceptable.<br>
However, having one without boys sleeping over is very realistic. More so, OP’s D has all the rights to demand this condition from her current rommate (before they part) and any future one.</p>
<p>I really don’t think it’s fair to tell someone who is uncomfortable with something like that that they should yield because of “social support.” If my mother told me that I’d be very disappointed in her. There are some things to let slide, but feeling creeped out or unsafe while sleeping is not one of them. </p>
<p>It is not uncommon at all for kids to have opposite sex overnight guests (no sex with roommate present, THAT is weird), but it is also not at all rare for girls to be uncomfortable with it. The girls I know are split roughly 50x50, with a faction of girls who are uncomfortable but too afraid to say anything. Typically, as with anything, the person who is uncomfortable has veto power, however a compromise must be made-- for example I agreed I would go to my fiance’s (who has a single) at least every other weekend so roomie could entertain-- as it turns out she happily went home every weekend anyway but the effort was made to compromise. I believe school policy is that you must get roommate’s permission for ANY overnight guests, not just opposite sex, which is usually not followed at all, but generally people don’t make a huge deal if someone isn’t cool with opposite sex overnight guests. At least girls aren’t, I don’ know about boys. I did eventually move to an all girls building, but we don’t have any boy rules so all these same issues exist.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree, but the OP is posting two separate concerns, and the underlying subtext is that she is disappointed that her daughter and her roommate are not better friends. </p>
<p>My daughter lives on a restricted hours floor, for this reason. But last year her roommate had a boyfriend, a relationship, not just sex, and she didn’t really care all that much that the guy was sleeping in the room. Sex in the room when she was there would have been creepy, but she says it’s pretty standard for co-ed sleepovers.</p>
<p>So, it’s not that I think somebody “should” have to “put up” with something, it’s just that if the main concern is her daughter’s lack of social connection? I’m not sure how much support she will get if she takes this position. Not saying it’s right or wrong, just trying to be realistic.</p>
<p>"The problem is her roomate. They met online over the summer. They texted each other incessantly all summer. Great start the first week but this girl has attached herself to a boy on their floor. She totally ignores my daughter and stays out till 4 and 5 every nite! "</p>
<p>This indicates that the OP and the D expected D to have a BFF relationship with her roommate. That is a very unrealistic expectation. It’s rare that BFF relationships happen with freshmen roommates. Typically such relationships happen with students met in class or in ECs.</p>
<p>The D needs to get involved in some clubs, and needs to be willing to go by herself to do things that interest her. That’s how to meet like-minded friends, the type whom she’ll choose for roommates next year.</p>
<p>She should not depend on her rooomate for her social life. The roommate is under no obligation to hang out with her.</p>
<p>The D needs to talk to the roommate, however, about the boyfriend sleepover situation and set sleepover rules that both agree to.</p>
<p>It sounded to me like the girls already weren’t BFFs before this issue but perhaps I misread or am misremembering. I agree with everything you’ve just said, northstarmom. I thought my roommate and I would be friends too, maybe not BFFs but I figured we’d at least act like we like each other, but she was very cold with me. I don’t think the sleepover issue added to that, I think if anything the fact that we discussed an issue we were having and came to a resolution both parties could be happy with improved the relationship. This was the first issue we discussed and I think it sort of opened the dialogue between us. She just wasn’t really interested in being friends with anybody besides the high school friends she came with that first year, she was very insecure. For a variety of reasons, it happens. As long as they don’t let it get in the way of their ability to talk to each other about problems with the living situation, OP’s D will adjust and eventually won’t mind the situation. It’s just a bit of a disappointment the first few weeks. When you expect that you’ll be friends and then you aren’t, I think sometimes it feels a little like being rejected, and then you have to face it all the time because you live with the person that rejected you. But that feeling doesn’t last long once you find other people to be friends with, and my roommate got a little less cold once she started to get used to being in college. It’s just one of those things you have to learn not to take personally and move on.</p>
<p>College Confidential Moderators,
you’re misrepresenting this original post! Your summary: My daughter just started college. Her roommate has attached herself to a boy and totally ignores my daughter and stays out till 4 and 5 every nite. The boy even slept over with my daughter in the room! I do not feel the BF’s staying over is the single-most important issue on the table. </p>
<p>Rather, I believe the OP is using that one night as an example of how this roommate has changed her relationship with the OP’s daughter. Now they are no longer BFF and OP’s daughter feels left out.
She also asks for advice, convinced this roommate + BF relationship will fizzle.
</p>
<p>This isn’t about the BF, but about the loss in the relationship between roommates. That’s why OP asks for help, not to talk about whether it’s okay to have a BF spend the night or not.</p>
<p>To OP: from reading your posts, you loved to focus on the onetime overnight. You still haven’t clarified it here: it’s only been one time and now that the rules are set, it’s not happening again, right?</p>