OP also said she has 2 more children to pay college tuition for and that she would need to take out loans to pay.
If this were my kid and he lost that scholarship, he’d be going to a less expensive college next year.
One more question for the OP. At some schools, coaches monitor students’ grades and counsel them about keeping their GPA up so they can continue to play. At others, the ethos among the team may very well be a party image to keep up and not to appear too studious. Do you have a sense of which is the case here? Peer pressure by the team to blow off class or to maintain GPA?
^If it’s a club sport (sounds like an ultimate frisbee team), there is no official coach, no mandatory study hall, etc.
@doschicos: a problem with this approach is that the kid has already said one thing/done another, perhaps with full intention of going through with the promise but then going with the flow of doing something else than promised. I wouldn’t pull him out of college but there needs to be an approach that takes what’s happened into account.
@havenoidea: excellent (about the evening/weekend job). That’s a consequence he can clearly understand (and also your following through will help him understand that this time, you mean business.) Has he started looking? Does he have resumes ready?
Well, I wouldn’t be waiting for the merit to disappear before getting him the right support, this summer. Limits to what the parents will pay or not, I’d be concerned this could be a flag.
Yes, he sounds like a nice kid and yes, I personally feel a B- is not a life crisis (though the $ situation could be.) But doeshe need some attention other than firm talk?
At this point, it’s pretty moot until the 2nd semester grades come out.
“He lined up an unpaid internship for the summer (after being reminded) because he was going to apply for the school’s guaranteed summer funding, but he submitted the application late and didn’t follow directions for the recommendation, so didn’t get the funding.”
I will brave the negative comments about this suggestion to once again consult a psychiatrist- preferably an expert in ADHD- for another opinion. There is a reason you took him to a psychiatrist, in the first place. And one MD is not infallible. So many of your comments here point to this diagnosis, or, rather, to some undiagnosed issue.
Many of us have gone through what you are going through. In one family I know, the parents continued to see the kid as pleasure-seeking and lazy (I don’t get that vibe from you by the way) and the college had the kid diagnosed and treated!
Perhaps the psychiatrist interviewed your son before college when problems were not yet as apparent and the questionnaire would have different results now-??
I really urge you to revisit and not rely on one psychiatrist. And those MD’s who specialize in this have lots of options for treatment. Find a psychiatrist at a teaching hospital ADHD clinic for an MD who is an expert in this area.
I am NOT diagnosing online and I am NOT ignoring other possible causes, so please don’t slam me folks. I am fully aware of hostility to this type of approach. But the parents have clearly felt something was wrong, and I think following that gut feeling all the way to a second opinion is prudent- even if only to truly eliminate causes.
One other thing about “consequences.” One of mine left college voluntarily, like another poster. Worked for a few years. Then went back to school p/t while working, at a degree completion program geared to non-traditional students. She is almost a senior and supporting herself at the same time. Work helps her tremendously. (She has severe ADHD that causes severe issues with reading that I tried to evaluate so many times. Finally we went to a clinic at a teaching hospital and got a very full eval for ADHD via questionnaire and interview.)
My message is, there are no disasters in life. “Consequences” aren’t always negative…
Also, if the son is truly not an academic kid, is it possible a more practical path would help? Something related to sports, or physical therapy or something like that? Or would doing work or an internship or volunteering in an area he IS interested in help with classes?
My kid started working with autistic children and can focus better on relevant classes and reading because it directly applies. But of course, that is typical of people with ADHD, which she has and your son may not.
Motivation is an interesting thing. My husband had a stroke, and walks, talks, looks like he always has. It hit the part of his brain for motivation and initiative. A classics scholar who worked hard all his life, he is now centers his life around the pleasure in cigars, food and drink and watches Family Guy on tv. A towel rack fell on the floor in the bathroom and he just stepped over it. That is how he reacts to everything, big and small.
I am sidetracking but the feeling of not being motivated is actually pretty frustrating. I believe your son really does want to try harder. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care. I hope you can find out what the problem is and that help is possible. It sure sounds like you, as parents, are really there for him and he is fortunate 
Wouldn’t this be more likely if the student had shown frequent distraction towards all sorts of things, rather than just work? He seems to have no problem remembering and organizing obligations regarding things he prioritizes-his parties, trips, girlfriend, and club friends. Only his academic and related duties, which apparently he does not prioritize, suffer. Perhaps he does not have much experience in working or doing things that are not fun, and that is a hard habit to break at 19 or 20.
“By the way, both husband and my roommate were enrolled in a top law school by 19, so yes, many that age can understand the role of an attorney quite well.”
That’s all anecdotal and in fact, 99% of law school grads are 25 or older actually proves the point. And insurance rates dropping when you cross 25 is another thing that led some people to wonder why that age, and the insurance company knew it without knowing about the research on the brain.
“He is, and tens of thousands of men his age have held responsible jobs, led others in battle, even married and had children, all well before reaching that magical age of brain developmental of 25.”
Interesting you bring that up, marriages that happen before 25 are more likely to lead to divorce than after 25. There’s lots of research that proves this - one showed that couples who married as teens have a 38% risk of divorce; those in their early twenties, 27%, married between 25 and 29 have 14% and ages 30 to 34 have 10%. Maybe the 38 to 14 is because they make better decisions at that age.
“But that doesn’t mean shielding those young adults from the consequences of their actions, or rescuing or bailing them out.”
Right, I said that they should definitely be held accountable for their actions.
@Thelonius, yes, most people now wait to attend law school until a few years after undergrad graduation. It was not always the case, most went straight through for generations, and in many English speaking countries, law remains an undergrad degree, one pursued by thousands of men and women 18-21. I am not sure what auto accident rates have to do with taking responsibility, but yes, men in particular, have higher accident rates under age 25 and over age 75. But millions of men in those groups do manage to drive responsibly every day, so it can be done, it is not biologically too hard for them. Treating young adults as if they are incapable of maturity does them no favors and flies in the face of the millions who show daily maturity.
I’m another supporter of the fresh round of testing for ADHD, even if the result is just to be able to rule it out. I recommend that because one of mine was hyper attentive and got lost for hours in activities he loved but struggled with focus in other regards. For years, we discounted the possibility of ADHD because, after all, he was plenty attentive to what mattered to him. As he prepared for college at 18, kid was tested, with a diagnosis which was off the charts in certain categories – psychiatrist was stunned kid had managed high school as well as he had.
I’m not familiar with the range of testing services, but our kid had 10-12 hours of evaluations/testing with a youth psychiatrist specializing in ADHD. And while I was not thrilled at the time, one of the reasons kid was ready to be tested was because a bunch of kids tried a friend’s ADHD meds – which is basically “speed” if you are non-ADHD. Kid said everyone else was “tripping” while he was like “what’s the big deal, nothing’s different.” That’s when he started to realize maybe his brain chemistry was different and he should figure out it out before college.
I’m glad you have a psychiatrist to work with. It could be worthwhile to consider ongoing “coaching” of some sort. Whether your kid ends up with an ADHD inattentive dx or not, he is going to have to develop strategies for managing himself.
And while some people with a dx find that using meds helps them, I have met an increasing number of young men who have prescriptions for concerta, adderall, ritalin, etc who are trying to make their way with strategies and accommodations that do not involve medication. Everything from a need to be “on” over times that don’t match with dosing to fears about the long term effects of meds seem to be at the root of this personal decision.
With that said, there are a couple of books out there about adult ADHD that have some pretty good suggestions for ways to manage. Many are really effective tips for everyone. So it could be helpful to look at these resources, whether there is a dx or not. The bottom line here, though, is that if you put enough on anyone’s plate, staying on top of it will be a challenge and even being committed to a system for doing so can require the kind of willpower that is hard to summon 100% of the time. Strategies are key!
insist 19 year old men are children>>>>>>>>
The armed forces, if anything, exploits that bug, and calls it a feature. If you refused entry until 21, 25 even LOL, few would join.
Plus, we don’t trust people to drink until 21. Sure, serve your country, go to war but you can’t buy a beer.
^Yup. Ridiculous… that’s why there is so much binge drinking in college.
I don’t know if the following applies, but it could be a part of the problem: I wonder if the OP’s son is taking classes that intrinsically motivate him. He might find it easier to study if he were very interested in his classes. My own son realized that he is incapable of motivating himself to study for classes he is not interested in (no matter what the future payoff might be) and changed his intended major and career goals accordingly.
My oldest son is similar, right down to the ADD inattentive. He dropped out of college and is now gainfully employed as a mailman and loving it. After two minor fender benders within about 6 months, he decided to go back on the ADD meds he had quit when he quit college. He feels a major difference in his attention. I was heartbroken at first that a kid with an IQ as high as his wasn’t going to finish college, but it was clear that his heart wasn’t in studying what he wasn’t interested in. Now, as he approaches 30, he is thinking about returning to an adult learner program.
I’ve been 19 and in the military surrounded by oodles of others in all branches who were also 19 (or 18-22ish - college age). Strangely enough we all acted like we were 18-22 and had a bit of fun on top of the work. It, in no way, means we couldn’t handle machine guns or figure out satellites reading intelligence data or whatever. Higher authority respected us for who we were - newbies who needed experience, but still had something to give to the team - often entry level work.
Laps around the sun coupled with experience change everyone. Not everyone is “wild” in their youth, but the younger one is the more like a puppy they are - more playful, etc. There’s a reason I only teach 9th-12th grade at school with even 9th grade being borderline. I don’t connect well with the younger pups. Other adults prefer other ages. It’s our differences that keep the world running smoothly.
Regarding car driving an accidents, the curious part of me wants to know how many accidents there are based upon the years and hours one’s had driving - not their age. Most new drivers are young, but older drivers who learn also aren’t the greatest when they are in their first couple of years IME.
Which seems reasonable enough to me. We want 18-20 year olds to go to war because that corresponds to peak physical fitness for most people. There’s no reason to tie that to the drinking age. Real maturity may come later in life.
As far as young soldiers and going of to war, you really can’t find a more structured and regimented lifestyle than being enlisted in the military. Your day is structured almost every minute and you are constantly told what to do. I wouldn’t exactly equate that to maturity. Don’t get me wrong, I respect those who serve but they aren’t given much freedom and flexibility to make decisions. It’s all about following orders.
While an interesting tangent, we might want to get back to the original question of a son possibly losing merit aid at college and what to do about that problem. The majority of students are not in that position, but this one seems to be.