I’m not friends with my kid’s friends on Facebook. The youngest person I’m friends with on facebook is in their 20s. My posting my daughter’s acceptances goes out to my friends - not hers. And if my friends choose to share it with their kids, that’s their decision. I’m not sure who I’d be “protecting” by not posting her acceptances. And my facebook settings are private - no share with friends of friends. I’m locked down about as tight as facebook can be.
@Dangerosa that’s a good point.
As high school teacher, I’m not friends with anyone younger than college age other than my own kids and my nieces and nephews. No students, no friends of my kids, no one… there’s just no good to come from that for me.
So the people who learned via Facebook that she got into a state college with a 56% acceptance rate are people who are asking how it’s going anyway.
I can appreciate what some here are saying. But I think we have to also consider that some kids are NOT applying to competitive colleges. And that kids also talk. I could tell you which of my daughter’s good friends have gotten into a number of different schools. Not because I stalk them on Facebook, merely because my daughter talks to her friends and also talks to me.
I also think we can go too far overboard on protecting our kids. Yes, it’s going to be heartbreaking if she doesn’t get into her top choice, especially considering that one of her closest friends since childhood has gotten in. (Again, Rachel told her, she didn’t learn via social media.) If they both go, they can talk about rooming together, or at least carpooling for holidays. But no bubble wrap in the world won’t protect her from disappointment if she doesn’t get in. It wont’ be Rachel’s fault, it will be a matter of where the chips have fallen. A little ice cream, a shoulder to cry on, and some time will be all I can offer her.
FB wasn’t around when my son applied. Years ago he asked me never to post about him, and he is not on FB.
When he did get into college, we invited the families of his closest friends and the families of our car pool over for a pizza party. He applied as a junior, so he was not competing with any of the kids. Both of his grandparents had died that year, so it felt nice to do something special.
@bjkmom The people who really care about each and every acceptance are probably people like Rachel. People that you would speak to in real life. We put these kids on display from their first rollover, their first soccer game. They feel a social pressure we didn’t have when we could have a more private life. I think kids are moving away from oversharing.
The only social media post I can recall was my daughter posting her rejection from Stanford. She didn’t want people asking her about it, so she posted that she was rejected as a preemptive measure.
Last year when I was going through this I always found it a little obnoxious when people would post every acceptance. Especially when I know the person/person’s kid was aiming very high and they would post an acceptance to a 70%+ acceptance rate school.
Most of us have private social medias (about 70 people or less for many) with just school friends where we all posted acceptances, rejections, deferrals and made like a joke about it. It was fun and exciting, but it was only people who I knew very well and would probably end up asking anyway.
When I made the decision I posted it on Facebook for family (so did my parents) and got the congratulations comments. I put in my instagram biography so if friends wanted to know, they can click on my profile to find out, but it wasn’t shoved in anyones face.
Most of my friends attended school locally and didn’t apply even in the top 100. I asked one kid I hang out with sometimes where he thought I was going to college “Um, Westchester Community College?” Nope.
@gearmom, I have friends spread out all over the country - all over the world. My husband and I have had jobs for years where most of our coworkers are not local to us - and as we leave those jobs, we keep in touch via general facebook posts, Yeah, I’m not too interested in what my friend Tipu ate when he went for dinner out in Bangalore, and he might not be that interested in my New Years plans, but I do enjoy seeing how his kids are doing - we were working together when they were born. And he enjoys seeing how mine are doing. That sort of virtual personal connection is important when forming virtual teams - and often stays long after the teams are dissolved and people go their separate ways. So I don’t see these people face to face - unless we travel - but we are facebook friends so I know how their lives are going - and that includes them bragging about their kids.
@Dangerosa I understand sharing with people that you don’t see in real life or have conversations with on the phone. Philosophically, I fall in @a20171 's camp. you could have people who live far away who are deeply invested in every aspect of your life but overall I also find it a little bit obnoxious to post each and every acceptance. I think most people are happy to congratulate you on the final decision. Your friend group could certainly enjoy sharing differently.
Yep, they appear to. And my friend group is multiple groups of people, so I’m very sorry if someone thinks it isn’t appropriate - you are one of many of my friends in many of my circles of friends. It isn’t posted to offend, its posted to share - because many of my friends are invested in my kid.
Sharing is telling folks where your child will be attending college for 4 years of their life once a decision has been made. Bragging is posting every time they are accepted and/or their scholarship offers.
Anybody who is close enough to know all of the options isn’t learning about options on Facebook.
D’s school has very clear hopes for how parents and student handle this:
- NO posting to social media by child or parent about acceptances. BOTH students AND parents are invested in the process, it hurts just as much for a parent to see all her friends kids got into schools that their child did not.
- NO wearing college gear. Its painful for any kid that didn't get into a school to walk down the halls to encounter a peer wearing a sweatshirt of that school.
Personally I find those college sweatshirt days toxic. Yes, it’s great to be proud. But really, it’s insensitive to have a school sponsored display of bragging.
D knows exactly who did and did not get into their ED choice at this point. She’s been to a lovely dinner at a restaurant celebrating a classmates acceptance to Harvard. But there a difference between knowing, gloating, celebrating, and making people feel badly.
It’s funny I saw an acquaintance Mom post about her D’s acceptance into Tufts. Lots of people gave congratulations on FB. Those same people sneered behind her back at how tacky it was.
@EyeVeee - that is your circle, not mine.
Our school has never offered any advice on this sort of thing. Probably because not all that many kids go straight to 4 year schools.
I spend zero time gossiping with other parents at the school about other parents so if people are.being laughed at behind their back, I wouldn’t know.
I did on my Facebook page! I never post anything about my oldest son’s achievements while I watch my friends post for every honor and award their child received, so I felt it was more than appropriate to celebrate good news. Getting accepted into a 4-year-college is an achievement itself. With all the forms of social media these days, I think it’s unrealistic to think that students are not sharing acceptances and rejections with their friends and classmates. On a positive note, by posting on Facebook, I was put in touch with 2-3 families whose children attend the college my son was accepted, which I would not have known by telling friends privately or one-by-one.
Maybe for some posters this is cultural. I do have some friends from another culture (also one that seems to be big on brand name schools) that seem to post every little milestone on FB. Their kids aren’t college age yet, but I could see them posting all acceptances when the time comes. It seems almost competitive with their friends – I know none of them would SAY it is – but it feels like it.
@4junior - so glad I’m not in your social circle. They sound exactly like people I wouldn’t want to be friends with - people who smile to your face & then stab you in the back. I’m also glad my school recognizes that what I post on social media is my business and not the school’s. I’m also glad they don’t try to shield kids from the reality that in life sometimes you don’t get what you hope for and other people sometimes do. I literally have had to create programs at work for Millennials because they have been raised in this environment where there can be no winners or losers and hurt feelings must be avoided at all costs. It’s crippling these kids to not teach them how to appropriately deal with disappointment.
I don’t think it’s cultural. I have a very culturally diverse FB friend group and they are located all over the US. My friends of every culture post about their kids achievements - sports, academics, jobs/Internships, plays, band/orchestra etc. Those with younger kids post about younger kid type achievements. They are all simply proud parents. The college acceptances run the full spectrum - from community college to Ivy.
School telling me what not to post? I should tell them what awards they should give out or not to give out then. Next thing they will tell me is it’s not cool to wear t-shirt of the school my kid is going to until all Seniors have graduated. Lol.
It could be class. Old money does not flaunt. It would be considered in very poor taste so perhaps @4junior simply has friends or is part of a community that is wealthier with older ties to the elite schools.
@sahmkc I hear you and on many fronts agree. I think that many kids now are too sheltered from defeat and need to learn the grit of disappointment. But truly I think there is a lack of kindness or sensitivity surrounding college admissions, and frankly much of it is driven by parents. I am glad that my D’s school is just as interested in educating her on being a kind classmate as they are on her success.
@gearmom I would agree with your response - if not class then at the least community. At D’s school the top 5 schools for matriculation are Harvard, Cornell, Brown, Yale and Penn. These kids will all end up well served with great opportunities. There is no need to beat oneself up about the ‘bad’ outcomes.
@websensation Yup totally not cool to wear school gear until after graduation in our community. At graduation the school gives out zero awards, including no Val/Sal.