Do You Worry About Your Very Different Younger Child?

Parents Forum
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<p>Parents of multiple children, if your younger child is vastly different from your first-born, has this been a challenge to deal with, or have you been able to put on a happy face?</p>

<p>My S is 2 years younger than my D, but worlds apart in his motivation, achievements, and even desire to do his best. He is just your average 16-year-old, who would rather be playing poker (there's another thread), or soccer, spends minimal time on h.w., and thinks it's great that as many of his classmates do worse,as do better, than he does.</p>

<p>I do not compare them, even in my mind, as they are both a joy, (as is our 10-year-old), and my S is certainly the most loving person you could want. My H and I just thank God that they are good and kind human beings, don't smoke/drink/steal/do drugs, (and you would be surprised at how many kids, in our lovely Stepford town do).</p>

<p>But deep down, I worry about this dreadful competitive world, where he would be eaten alive. Then I tell myself not be be silly, he will mature, come into his own, and find happiness and some success.</p>

<p>So..........are all of your children equally amazing,.......</p>

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<p>Chocoholic--S is similar to yours but mine is four years older than D who's much more focused and self-motivated. After worrying about him, D was such a relief. Fortunately, S really did buckle down his senior year and has redeemed himself incredibly in college, so one never knows.</p>

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<p>Is it Girls vs. Boys, then? In that case i may as well give up, as i am still waiting for DH to grow up.
:D</p>

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<p>chocoholic, i know how you feel. </p>

<p>we have two families living in this house right now, and it kind of works out as you said. i'm 22 (college senior) and i was the one who would always come home, go to work, come home, do my homework, then do whatever else.. my little sister is 16 (high school soph.) and she comes home, goes to work, comes home, and does nothing. to her credit, she has a lot of study halls and does her homework at school (most of the time). her grades are mainly a's/b's with some c's and d's thrown in here and there, because she just doesn't seem to care. she's mentioned college (teaching, business, graphic design) so we'll see.. </p>

<p>my cousin is 17 (high school senior), and he comes home, goes to work, comes home, and plays guitar/goes to his girlfriends/hangs out with friends.. his grades are about the same as my sisters and he has no plans to go to college. my other cousins 6 (kindergarten) and she comes home, takes out her stuff, does her hoemwork, reads books, does all sorts of learning things, and makes fun of her brother for not studying.</p>

<p>theyre basically just like me and my sister, but reversed. :)</p>

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<p>DS (a college sophomore) is very bright, and very focused on his music...but he wasn't a great student in HS (top 25% of his class, with a 3.2 GPA). DD is not as inately bright, or focused on any one thing (she likes a lot of different things), but she is a much better students (top 6% of her class with a GPA of 3.75...which will only get higher with her AP and honors courses). Looking for colleges with DS was easy. Looking for colleges with DD is very difficult. It will all be fine in the end!! I'm not "worried" but they sure are different.</p>

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<p>I don't worry about my son, but I wish I could provide him with the college experience daughter is getting, and with the same kind of financial aid package that she is getting. He also is sweet, kind, smart, somewhat of a lowkey guy, no EC's except xbox and Texas Hold'em, and jv tennis. Not something that makes adcoms stand up and go "wow" about. I'll really have to figure out financially how we handle his college... do we pay same dollar amount as for daughter, then have him take out loans for the remainder? She put much effort into her schoolwork to get where she is, and will graduate with no loans. But I would like him to have the same opportunities, and I'd like him to graduate loan-free... It's hard to figure out what is "fair" and what is "practical".. I guess we'll cross these bridges nearer the time. DS is a sophmore.</p>

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<p>Anxiousmom, my S is also a sophomore, and lol to the Texas Hold'em EC !! Seriously is an EC with the amount of time S invests in it.</p>

<p>But you are so right with trying to figure out what is fair to each child. Do you give each the same, or think of it as investing in different stock? I have friends who have sent their brighter child to super-expensive private high-school, and will be letting the average child do the public route.</p>

<p>My S probably would not even care what college he went to.</p>

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<p>My son and daughter (3 years younger) have very different personalities and intellectual/mental strengths. </p>

<p>My son was at the extreme end of the "terrible 2" scale, with hour-long frothing-at-the-mouth tantrums. Also at the extreme end of the intellectual ability scale -- math and reading (above grade 5 when he entered K). But kind of a klutz in terms of small and large motor skill development. Now: graduated from college, major in economics, making a good living playing poker (mainly Texas hold 'em) and writing about/statistically analyzing baseball. Still intense.</p>

<p>My daughter was sweet, smiling and self-reliant (could play a long time by herself) when she was a baby/toddler. Coordinated and athletic. Very artistically inclined, much less verbally developed than son but still very good in math (though not at his level). Now: graduated from college, major in industrial design, making a living doing ID and graphic design. Self-motivated.</p>

<p>They didn't get along that well as kids, but then again they weren't trying to compete in anything. At about the time my son got into college, he discovered that his sister was pretty neat. They even had similar musical tastes. They found occasions to hang out with one another and they get along very well even though they live in separate cities.</p>

<p>I think that even though they had a few of the same teachers, the teachers never confused the talents of the two nor set up the younger one to meet academic standards of her older brother. Perhaps the 3-year difference in age helped. Nor did we as parents set the same standards. From birth, they were just very different personalities with different interests and talents.</p>

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<p>Chocoholic-
I think our kids are clones. My younger s. has every bit the academic potential of older s., and in fact, has better athletic and social skills than did older s. at this age (younger is 14). However, if given the opportunity, younger s. would prefer to put his energies into xbox, billiards and poker, and is perfectly content squeaking by with a B (even in band-- how do you get a B in band???) </p>

<p>Now to be fair, it isn't easy growing up in older bro's shadow, but younger s. is keeping his talents just a little too hidden for our comfort zone. Unlike older bro, he is not one to raise his hand and jump in to participate, but when called on can impress the teacher with something they hadn't anticipated would come out of his mouth. That's when we get the "I know he has the potential to do this work.." letter that just came on the mail from his English teacher yesterday. He is at that tough age where he doesn't want to be labelled a "geek", and seems at times embarassed when he does really well on something in school, like a recent national math competition. Do I wish he was more self-driven, more passionate about something that might have functional utility? You bet. But, that said, he is a happy kid, doesn't have purple spiked hair and tatoos (apologies to any of you or yours who do), and we haven't yet been greeted by police at our door. He thinks cigarettes are nasty and he compared the flavor of a Bahama Mama we let him taste on vacation to <em>that which emerges from the bladder</em> to put it delicately. </p>

<p>So, maybe, in time, he'll blossom. He has a great sense of humor and a kind heart. He'll get into college, I have no doubt. But do I think he will be as competitive as older s. was? Probably not. Does he want to be? Probably not. Does he seem less stressed and get a better night's sleep, (after watching Jon Stewart and the Daily show) yes. So who is the uncomfortable one here, him or me. I guess that is evident. When I try to talk to him about books he might like to read, he responds with "mom, are your reading that on CC??" Sigh....</p>

<p>Addendum: Just saw all the othere recent posts-- aour kids all seem to have poker in common... what do you think that means?? Maybe they know something we don't...</p>

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<p>Sorry to be pulling this out of context...but it is an important point. DD has exactly the same schedule AND same teachers as her brother did in 11th grade. He was a PITA (pain in the a---). He did the minimum and got by with B's and some A's. She, on the other hand, is a very different student. She's the kind that most teachers love to have in their classes (well behaved, happy, does all the work, participates in class but doesn't disrupt the class...generally a good kid). She is the academic excellence kid...all A's most of the time. I always said that if a teacher survived my son they deserved to have my daughter (with the exception of the music teacher where my son excelled, and where my daugher COULD excel, but it's just not important to her to do so).</p>

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<p>I have found that in families where a well, behaved, academically motivated daughter is followed by an "all boy" son within a year or two or three, have some adjustment issues. They had just gotten used to patting themselved on the back for what great parents they are with this perfect child and than the kid from hell arrives, dismantling that theory. My best friend was convinced that her all too normal son had any number of things wrong with him, as he just was not on the same learning and behaviour curve as his sister who was a joy in every way. She was stunned to find out during a psychological testing stint that he was a very bright kid with a higher IQ than his sister. But now that they are both grown, she is enjoying them both, and the boy is not in jail or sleeping on a park bench as she feared, and the D is not an ivy league graduate </p>

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<p>Chocoholic. Yep. Your son sounds a bit like mine! DS says he wants a big school w/ lots of football to watch, but kids change a lot in 2 1/2 years, so who knows what he'll want nearer the time? Our big state school (UT Texas) is definitely an option, but it's a bit close to home. Still, many, many kids from Austin stay in town and really love attending it. It'll probably end up costing us MORE than my DD's private school. UT tends to gap FA packages, and, after the one year of overlap when they are both in school, we'll probably end up having to pay full-fare if he goes to UT. My own parent's philosophy was to meet the needs of each child individually, even if the dollar amount is not the same for each child. I guess the other philosophy would be to say, "I spend x dollars on DD's education, I will spend x dollars on yours." We'll probably do the former!</p>

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<p>Mackinaw, hold it right there!!!!!!!
Explain how your son makes a living playing professional poker, and analyzing baseball. Now there's a dream come true.</p>

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<p>I have a mixed bag. D is having good success so far at admissions due to solid scores, decent grades, & athletic hook. My sons are unlikely to have the athletic hook going for them, so we'll see what that brings...</p>

<p>My D (17) is diligent, smart, does well, but she is not an academic adventurer. She has great ECs (tennis & music) long term involvements she is passionate about. I think in college once she gets to choose, with few distribution requirements, she'll have much more passion for her studies... She's also a dreamy artist type, very content to sit and sketch or sew for hours at a time.</p>

<p>My 13 year old S is sloppy, doesn't care much about grades, but he is a true intellectual who loves big ideas and is genuinely interested in things like physics and philosophy. (He cracked my D's college guidebooks before she did and, at age 12, thought Deep Springs looked appealing!) Main EC is making skateboard videos (?!) and he also loves poker! He is really likeable and good with people, leader type. (St. Johns type?)</p>

<p>My little S (7) is too young to tell much about except that he DOES NOT GIVE UP and he has a fascination about the natural world, science, and facts. Since toddler years he wants his bedtime stories to be from the set of junior encyclopedias we have. I think he'd make a great researcher or field scientist. He is also a "Billy Elliot." This kid has incredible natural ability in dance & movement but sadly he's recently figured out it is a "girl" thing and has pulled back.</p>

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<p>Chocoholic: Yes, for many people it is a dream come true.</p>

<p>My son has had a long-term interest in baseball, got into fantasy baseball at about age 9, taught himself to use spreadsheets to manage his teams, and so on. He was also a numbers fanatic, extremely good in math and statistics, and so baseball and stats just fit well for him.</p>

<p>During college, he did some part-time freelance writing for Baseball HQ on the web, while keeping up his Scoresheet baseball hobby.</p>

<p>When he graduated from college he started out as an economic consultant at one of the Big 4 accounting firms (not doing accounting, just economic and policy analysis, transfer pricing, valuation work). He didn't like the Dilbert-like existence. In the meantime, he kept up his baseball interest, and developed his understanding of "sabermetrics" (statistical analysis of baseball), and devised a forecasting system for hitter and pitcher performance. This system was "adopted" by Baseball Prospectus as their main forecasting engine. They paid him a few bucks for it (not enough to live on) and engaged him as one of their regular writers.</p>

<p>When he reached the point at his "day job" a year and a half ago when it was time to fish or cut bait (get his MBA, JD, or PhD) he decided to end this line of work and go full-time, so to speak, into baseball analysis -- earning enough money from this (writing and improving his forecasting system) to carry him through the year (coupled with his earnings/savings from his soon-to-be-abandoned day job). </p>

<p>Then he discovered poker. He's one of those who watched ESPN's broadcasts of the World Series of Poker in 2003 and thought maybe he could do that. Poker is something he could do at home, mainly at night, while he continued his baseball work as his new "day job." Given his math/stats skills, his understanding of how to do "risk analysis," and I suppose having something of the mentality of a gambler, he has done very well at internet poker. How long this opportunity will be available to him who knows? For now, however, it's working out.</p>

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<p>Thanks Mackinaw
So there's hope out there for everyone. It certainly sounds like your son was successful with graduating from college, and landing a great job; and after that it was all about following his interests. </p>

<p>Don't want my son imagining that there's success in poker. But if i start any kind of discussion with him, he goes, mom, you're the addict, not I....everytime I walk into the room you are online with CC :o</p>

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<p>Choc, I think most people have addictions of one kind or another. Some are more benign than others.</p>

<p>It has to be said about my son that he honed his talents over many years. And so it's not simply that he decided to chuck his background and switch careers. Math/stats skills, research skills (developed in part as a champion high school debater), writing skills + hobbies have all come together. Thousands of hours of experience at these things together.</p>

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<p>Absolutely Mack, I did not mean to imply that he chucked his background. In fact not only did your S get a good education that he can fall back on anytime, he also used his education to fine tune his other areas of skill. Hey, if you can make fair money and have fun while doing it, more power to you!! Not too many people are in that position.</p>

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<p>Right. I was just giving you some ammo in case your son thought this career path was both attractive and easy to achieve. And I wouldn't recommend to any high schooler or college student for that matter that they set their sights on a career as a professional gambler.</p>

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<p>Can't help but compare the kids...even tho' I know I cannot! #1: self-proclaimed nerd & proud of it. #2 artsy one, struggles more, especially with the math/science areas. BUT, I've also noticed hints of self-doubt on her part, following the shadow of #1. Sometimes I wonder if it is true that she hates the math/science realm...or if it is because it is her way to proclaim independance, and find her own unique path. She was good in those areas until highschool, with great standardized scores (until highschool), so it is hard to tell what is "real" and what is "image" by her own design. I find myself struggling with telling #2: "You can do it" vs. backing off, and letting her feel her own way, at the risk of missing potential.</p>