Does this essay deserve a 12?

Test Preparation
1

<p>IS CONSCIENCE A MORE POWERFUL MOTIVATOR THAN MONEY, FAME, OR POWER?</p>

<p>All human beings are born thirsty. What they long for may vary from person to person but it is always present, a yearning for power, knowledge, status, or wealth. Humans also possess an innate sense of right and wrong, a voice of reason which usually points them in the right direction in times of doubt. The question is, can this voice of reason overpower human lusts? In my readings and experience, I have come to the conclusion that it indeed can.</p>

<p>In the Anglo-Saxon epic “Beowulf”, the Danes are haunted by a vicious monster who preys on their knights. Beowulf, who considers himself the strongest of men, sails across the sea to rid these people of their menace. Some speculate that Beowulf did this to achieve notorierty, to become known as a savior and hero. It is later revealed that as Beowulf battles the monster’s mother, close to being defeated, he feels he has still accomplished a great amount even if he loses his life, serving a king and people who were once merciful to his father. In this way, Beowulf gives up what is most dear to him – his life – to own up to what he believes to be his duty.</p>

<p>A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine walked into our English class and took her usual seat behind me. She proceeded to tell me that she hadn’t studied for the quarter progress test because she was at the hospital all night with her younger sibling who had strep throat. She asked if I could assist her this one time, for she needed a stellar grade on this test to pass the class. I was in an odd predicament; sure, I could help my friend because her situation really was dire, but it would mean abandoning my values of integrity and honesty. Instead I encouraged her to talk to the instructor about her issue. The teacher, what was quite understanding, allowed her to take the quiz on a seperate date. In the end, my conscience helped me make the right decision and I still had a solid friendship with my classmate, which I could have lost.</p>

<p>I firmly believe a conscience can prevail over human desires and inclinations in any situation, if a person is willing to train themselves in morality. As Dante once said, “The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain neutrality in times of moral conflict.”</p>

<p>Thanks in advance! :) </p>

2

<p>It is not a 12. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your body paragraphs should open with topic sentences. Don’t jump immediately into a story or example.</p></li>
<li><p>The Beowulf paragraph comes close to making your point, but it changes the terms you established in the introduction. You are asking your reader to equate “duty” with “reason.” Try to use the same words.</p></li>
<li><p>Prepare your readers better for the point you make in the “friend” paragraph. The final sentence comes as a surprise. Readers should have known much sooner that you were forced to choose between cheating and friendship. And as with the Beowulf paragraph, this point should be framed in the same language as your introduction.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Please don’t come back and ask me to assign a score to it.</p>

3

<p>DEF not. more like a 5 or 6. You’re not even using any solid examples. Personal anecdotes are not advised.
examples/evidence from literature is ok, but historical examples are better. don’t just say, persuade with logical reasoning and analysis. Ask yourself WHY</p>

4

<p>One tip to consider, is write two pages for your essay, because these people looking at your essay have to read at least nearly hundreds or even thousands. So one of the main parts they see, is that if you have a long paper, which will guarantee you a 10or up on the SAT writing.</p>

5

<p>thanks all! I knew it was a little weird when I got the essay back from a grader and he gave me a 12. This was one of the weakest essays I’ve ever written!
also @rocketgroottmnt this filled both pages.</p>