Don't like college so far.

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I'm a freshman in college, and it seems like everyone except me is having the time of their lives.</p>

<p>I'm a really shy person with pretty quirky interests. I'm not good at talking to people (really, my social skills are pretty lacking), and it's rare that I ever find anyone who has common interests. The first 2 months or so of college were complete hell because I didn't know anyone and didn't have any friends. I'm on a floor with a bunch of sophomore girls who were all friends and unwillingly to talk to other people, so I never had that opportunity to meet people through my floor like a lot of people do. </p>

<p>I finally met these two girls that were awesome, and we started hanging out. It seemed great at first, but it started falling apart this semester. The other two girls started going to the gym and going tanning together (I do neither). Even if I wanted to join them, I literally don't have time with all the massive piles of work that I have. I'm always just locked up in my room working, and I don't have time to do anything else, really. Anyways, since these two girls have been spending so much time together, they've become best friends, and I'm the 3rd wheel. I feel like we're more like acquaintances because I hardly see these girls anymore, but they're the only so-called friends I have. I like these girls even though I'm very different from them; it just sucks that I've gotten so distant from the only two actual friends I had here. I've met some cool kids in my classes, but I feel like everyone already has their groups of friends, so I'm stuck all alone. All that on top of all the work i have and trying to decide my major isn't making for a great experience.</p>

<p>It hasn't gotten to the point where I'm thinking about transferring. I love my college and the city, and I feel like I would have an amazing time here if I knew the right people (or any people would be a start). Anyways, I don't know. I'm just talking out loud here. If anyone has had a similar experience and gotten around it, I'd like to hear your input. I'd like to hear any input at all, really. Thanks.</p>

2

<p>Grow a spine. Find a boyfriend. Problem solved.</p>

3

<p>firecracked--welcome to CC. sorry you've had a hard time adjusting to college. Have you investigated any clubs on campus that might match your interests? Studying someplace other than shut away in your room (no one can see you there)? If you love your college and the city, part of your answer might lie there: explore them both more, even independently. Go to places/activities that you are interested in, and you're bound to bump into other like-minded souls. Check out your campus counseling or student services office; you are not alone in feeling lonely and a little left out.</p>

<p>good luck!</p>

4

<p>
[quote]
I finally met these two girls that were awesome, and we started hanging out. It seemed great at first, but it started falling apart this semester. The other two girls started going to the gym and going tanning together (I do neither). Even if I wanted to join them, I literally don't have time with all the massive piles of work that I have. I'm always just locked up in my room working, and I don't have time to do anything else, really. Anyways, since these two girls have been spending so much time together, they've become best friends, and I'm the 3rd wheel. I feel like we're more like acquaintances because I hardly see these girls anymore, but they're the only so-called friends I have. I like these girls even though I'm very different from them; it just sucks that I've gotten so distant from the only two actual friends I had here. I've met some cool kids in my classes, but I feel like everyone already has their groups of friends, so I'm stuck all alone. All that on top of all the work i have and trying to decide my major isn't making for a great experience.

[/quote]

i think there's the problem. it's not like these girls are doing anything radical (going to the gym and all...it's not like they're cutting lines of coke in front of you), but yet you refuse to do something new, something outside of your comfort zone. i can honestly say that if you don't try something new or just take a step outside of your norm, college can and will be hell. i'm not saying be reckless, but within bounds try new things with an open mind. you can't find the perfect friend, or one who's exactly the same as you. you have to come to that reality or else you'll keep thinking "no one has my interests". in order to make friends, you have to be willing to try new things while still being yourself. and in fact, one of the best things about friendships is that they introduce you things that are new and different. quirky isn't an excuse for being anti-social...i've seen quirky people find quirky friends.</p>

<p>so for example if your friends are going to the gym, don't automatically alienate yourself. and if you go with them, don't think "i know i won't like this," and especially don't be stubborn about it. if you keep an open mind you'll (often unexpectedly) find things to like about new experiences. i say start hanging out with these girls some more, you can still save this friendship. at least you established a thread of friendship before, which means you can retrieve what was on the other end of it. and then you'll often find that you'll often make good friends with their friends, and then friends from those other friends, etc...but you HAVE to start somewhere.</p>

<p>also, too much work, while a fairly valid excuse, shouldn't be your master and keeper. i'm a freshman engineering major at a top university and a fairly heavy class load this semester, but i always find time to do things with friends, even if it just means eating lunch or dinner with them. a suggestion...under most circumstances don't do any homework on Fridays. you'll find that you'll have more time than you thought. sure do it on Saturday and Sunday, but honestly you won't get that far ahead by working when you could be having fun. and a little secret...your body gets used to not sleeping, and 9 hours...heck even 7-8 hours isn't necessary every night. you can make up sleep on the weekends.</p>

<p>there was one thing one of my high school friends told me that i thought was pretty profound (from a guy who i never thought to be profound...he's actually a little immature sometimes haha). he said..."Sometimes you just have to make an effort and make time in your schedule to do things. If you never make exceptions or change things around, you'll just never have time to do anything you want."</p>

<p>trust me...in high school, i thought i was quirky and had an excuse to be anti-social (which to a large degree, i was)...i used a lot of things for my excuse (like work, "i'm different") to not go out and do things with people. i learned quickly in college that you ultimately can't be happy like that. during the first week of college, i thought "well, i could just be the 'typical' engineer with few friends..." but that just killed me. it's not like that i'm radically more social now than i was in high school (nor am i never socially awkward), but by taking a few risks and making a few reasonable sacrifices i've been able to have fun, do well in school, and just be happy. good luck, and i hope things work out well for you.</p>

5

<p>you can't run from your problems. in the end they will just catch up with you.</p>

<p>so transferring may or may not be helpful because you are still going to be you.</p>

6

<p>oh, and let me say to add to my last post that i forgot...pushing your boundaries and trying new things will undoubtedly be uncomfortable, awkward, maybe even a little painful. i faced that too when i came to college. but you have to be willing to face that in the short run if you really want things to change and to be happy in the long run. nothing ventured, nothing gained. you wouldn't have posted on this message board if you really didn't want change, right?</p>

7

<p>On top of what others have said: Don’t be afraid of the people who already of groups of friends. Friendships groups aren’t closed to new people. Try sitting with one of the people you know from class at lunch, or go say hi to them at a party, or even just go over to their dorm to study. I think you’ll probably find that if you really hit it off with one person, you’ll also like their friends too…and they will like you.</p>

<p>For example, most of my group of friends have been friends since the first week of school or so. They all live on the same hall and got really tight, really fast. But not only did they happily accept me as a friend (not just “so and so’s girlfriend”), but we’ve also pulled other people into our group over time as well…including a guy that one of us met in class! And that’s not to mention the friends we each have individually, despite having a core group of people who we all know.</p>

8

<p>Just to echo Proton's point that if you're having trouble making friends at your current school, transferring won't help unless there is really something wrong with the atmosphere where you are, and it doesn't sound like there is.</p>

9

<p>what college do you go to? This is an anonymous forum, so if you post the name of the school people who are familiar with it might be able to give more specific suggestions.</p>

<p>Also almost every college has a counseling department, and a common issue for them to help with is making the adjustment to college. Often it is paid for as part of your student fees, and it is absolutely confidential. I suggest you look into whats offered at your school.</p>

10

<p>I wouldn't recommend transferring, I hear that it causes more problems than what it supposedly solves (credits, scholarships, payment, learning layout of a new school yet again, etc.).</p>

<p>Just meet people in your classes and major, particularly your major, since you'll be seeing each other more and more as the field thins out from the crowded 100 level classes to the barren 400 level ones (my morning 400 level computer science class has about 7 kids in it).</p>

<p>And treat college like its your job. Don't get so caught up in having to experience the whole "college experience" that all the newspapers and articles go on (and on) about and just treat college like you would any other job. You go there, you work, you get assignments, you take them home, try to get good grades while working on them, rinse, wash, and repeat. Your four years will be over in no time.</p>

<p>Is it feasible for you to commute from home to your current college? If it is (I'd consider under 35-40 minutes workable, anymore than that and its probably a hassle, my commute is about 30 minutes), then you might consider that option. You'll save tons of money, be able to enjoy more freedom, be able to stay with your parents and family, and you'll also be able to better separate your school and non-school life.</p>

11

<p>Whenever someone asks a question like this I always feel the need to be encouraging and tell my story. </p>

<p>I was having the same problem as you last year (I'm a sophomore now). I didn't have any friends, I felt like the third wheel with people I did know, etc. But then there was this girl named Laura who was in one of my classes first semester, and I kept seeing her going to and from class every couple days second semester and she always made the effort to be nice and say hi how are you? even though she barely knew me. So I was like, you know what, I am going to ask her to hang out. So I did, but she couldn't make it. But then she invited me to go swing dancing. This is when I was like, um you've got to be kidding right? Me? Dancing? Seriously? But I went. And I LOVED it. She introduced me to some people she knew at swing, and I just hit it off with everyone I met. I met my first love there. Most of my friends are people I met there, or were made through people I met there. And some of these people are not even in my year. In fact, most aren't. And they still accepted me. The only bad thing about this is that several of them are graduating in the coming months. But, we've also got freshmen from this year into our group as well, so I'm sure in a couple years I'll be the oldest friend, the one who's graduating next, etc.</p>

<p>PS Trust me, everyone thinks they're the one that's the weird kid that no one will like. That was definitely my thinking alot freshman year. I'm younger than everyone else (I graduated high school early at 16) so I thought no one would like me for that. Trust me, colleges are big places, there's always SOMEONE else who knows what you're going through. I was the shy little girl with 3 friends in high school who was 2 years younger than everyone else and chubby and plain and pale, and... the list can go on and on. It's a vicious cycle sometimes: you feel bad about yourself, thinking you can't get friends, so you don't. Then you don't have any friends, and it makes you feel bad about yourself. You just have to have some confidence! Once you break out of the shell, embrace your quirkiness, and think better about yourself, you WILL find friends.</p>

12

<p>So apparently I'm going to be the one lone person that says been there, done that, didn't find any 'solutions'. I seriously think there is about a 6-week window at the very beginning of freshman year to make close friends, and if you don't have your little group by the end of that time, sucks for you. People already have their little groups and while they might be friendly to you, it's just because they're especially polite and outgoing, not because they're actually interested in making another friend...that's not necessary for them. Transferring won't help because you'll be in the same exact situation, just with people you've never met before.</p>

<p>I know plenty of people who are the acquaintance-y types of friends...they talk to you, invite you to do whatever they're doing if you happen to be present, but they certainly don't go looking for you or call you (or even have your phone number if they wanted to call you) or anything like that. And if all of a sudden, you're not in their classes or wherever it was you were seeing them anymore, they forget about you and never look back. It's the same thing with clubs...everyone joins with a friend or five and everyone forgets about the rest of the people in the club as soon as they leave the meetings, chatting with their group of friends.</p>

13

<p>
[quote]
I seriously think there is about a 6-week window at the very beginning of freshman year to make close friends, and if you don't have your little group by the end of that time, sucks for you.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That is pretty cynical. You have to get involved with clubs or perhaps join a greek organization, get involved!</p>

14

<p>
[quote]
And treat college like its your job. Don't get so caught up in having to experience the whole "college experience" that all the newspapers and articles go on (and on) about and just treat college like you would any other job. You go there, you work, you get assignments, you take them home, try to get good grades while working on them, rinse, wash, and repeat. Your four years will be over in no time.</p>

<p>Is it feasible for you to commute from home to your current college? If it is (I'd consider under 35-40 minutes workable, anymore than that and its probably a hassle, my commute is about 30 minutes), then you might consider that option. You'll save tons of money, be able to enjoy more freedom, be able to stay with your parents and family, and you'll also be able to better separate your school and non-school life.

[/quote]

IMO, those are completely not conducive to what the threadstarter wants. from what i could gather in your posts in other threads, i think your outlook on the "college experience" is, frankly, unrealistic and almost a little sad. the "college experience" doesn't have to mean getting plastered, hooking up, and sleeping through classes. you seem to forget that in between homework and eating, you're a living, breathing human being. you DO go to school to study, but in the midst of all that you're also living and studying with some of the most interesting people you may ever meet in your life. the most successful people in life aren't usually the ones with the best GPA or the best job titles, but the ones who have the most rewarding relationships. even PhDs and doctors can lead fascinating lives outside of their lines of study/work (Feynman, anyone?).</p>

<p>you say "work hard now, graduate, THEN the fun starts." does it really? now you're locked into 8 hours of work a day, have even more responsibilities than you did in college, and no matter what you could possibly do the social opportunities during college can never be matched.</p>

<p>Vail, it seems like you are the type person who isn't willing to take social risks...who's shy (whether you'll admit it or not) and doesn't want to do anything about it. i can say this because i was exactly that sort of person until senior year in high school. frankly, once you realize that not everyone's out to judge you, you really start to enjoy the company of people (and not just for study sessions). i'm still trying to wrestle with that idea myself, it's hard sometimes...but i've been willing to take the risks. and before you say i place an overemphasis on social interaction instead of studying...i got a 4.0 last semester with 17 units, with an electrical engineering and calculus II course. i've had the time of my life so far, and i didn't have to sacrifice anything except maybe sleep to do it.</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
People already have their little groups and while they might be friendly to you, it's just because they're especially polite and outgoing, not because they're actually interested in making another friend...that's not necessary for them.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That's just...not true, though. I mean, it might be true for SOME groups of friends, but not all. My group absorbed a new person to be 100% a part of the group sometime in December. And that's not even to begin to talk about the various people who we pick up over time who are not part of the core group of friends only because THEY chose not to hang out with us all the time, even though we invite them along.</p>

16

<p>
[quote]
you seem to forget that in between homework and eating, you're a living, breathing human being.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That would be a slight mistake on my part, I'll admit, I forgot to put in there take time for yourself. I mean, that's what I'm doing now, just finished typing Geology notes and now I'm posting on Internet message boards which certainly wasn't a homework assignment. So if I modify my above quote, it becomes...</p>

<p>
[quote]
You go there, you work, you get assignments, you take them home, try to get good grades while working on them, then enjoy your free time doing stuff that you want to do (not what some people at college want you to do), rinse, wash, and repeat. Your four years will be over in no time.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>
[quote]
IMO, those are completely not conducive to what the threadstarter wants.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Hey, I opened up with the usual tips on how to make friends and stuff (those have worked for me), but what if they've tried those already and they didn't work? I'm offering more than just the same old song-and-dance everybody (including myself) has told the topic starter.</p>

<p>
[quote]
but the ones who have the most rewarding relationships.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Hey, poke around in my post history some, you'll see that I advocate 'reliable friendships that you can depend on' or some variation of the sort (I must've said it at least 2-3 times in the past couple of days).</p>

<p>
[quote]
you say "work hard now, graduate, THEN the fun starts." does it really? now you're locked into 8 hours of work a day, have even more responsibilities than you did in college, and

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Never said that. And now look who is being the pessimist, who says that your job has to be the 9-5 grind that we see everyday on the sitcoms?</p>

<p>
[quote]
no matter what you could possibly do the social opportunities during college can never be matched.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Now I think that you're placing a little too much emphasis on college. As we mature, our relationships with each other can mature and become better. A lot of those "social opportunities" probably consisted of such sophisticated things like parties anyway.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Vail, it seems like you are the type person who isn't willing to take social risks...who's shy (whether you'll admit it or not) and doesn't want to do anything about it.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I see somebody just finished Intro to Psychology -_-. And I don't need to take the types of 'social risks' I think you're referring to (going to parties, soir?es, get-togethers, and the like), I can talk to people in my classes, or strike up conversations in the computer lab (which is where I spend a lot of my time, comp sci major and all).</p>

<p>
[quote]
once you realize that not everyone's out to judge you, you really start to enjoy the company of people (and not just for study sessions).

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Realized that a long time ago, and shortly after that, started to care less and less about what 'people' think about me. Doesn't mean I don't carry myself well and whatnot, don't get me wrong. Furthermore, I do enjoy the company of my friends, why else would I (like I did today), turn around after I left the registrars office because I thought I heard one of them, find them in there, then wait around there with them while they conducted their business? For my health?</p>

<p>
[quote]
and before you say i place an overemphasis on social interaction instead of studying...i got a 4.0 last semester with 17 units, with an electrical engineering and calculus II course. i've had the time of my life so far, and i didn't have to sacrifice anything except maybe sleep to do it.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Well good for you. Problem with your method for me is, If I don't get enough sleep per night, I'm more prone to have headaches the next day. Furthermore, as a commuter, I can't just roll out of bed five minutes before class and drag myself to class (not saying you do, and you probably don't, as a matter of fact), I need to wake up at a substantially earlier time than 5 minutes before class so that I can go to school. I like it though, by the time I get there, I am definitely wide awake, which is a plus.</p>

17

<p>if you're so intent on doing a point by point deconstruction...i'll try to keep this dense so i don't take away from the OP's intent.

[quote]
Now I think that you're placing a little too much emphasis on college. As we mature, our relationships with each other can mature and become better. A lot of those "social opportunities" probably consisted of such sophisticated things like parties anyway.

[/quote]

that's not even the half of it. just the idea of class...unless you put yourself in that situation later in life, never again will you go to class with maybe 100+ different people and the opportunity to talk to these people with that common experience of being in a class together. the workplace might be analogous, but you change classes every semester, and you can potentially meet hundreds of new people each semester.</p>

<p>
[quote]
I see somebody just finished Intro to Psychology -_-. And I don't need to take the types of 'social risks' I think you're referring to (going to parties, soir?es, get-togethers, and the like), I can talk to people in my classes, or strike up conversations in the computer lab (which is where I spend a lot of my time, comp sci major and all).

[/quote]

woo for erroneous assumptions! just because i call something a "social risk" doesn't mean anything except the fact that it's exactly what it is...a risk you take in a social situation. and you say you don't think that people are judging you, but you won't take social risks...i'm not saying the two are parallel ideas, but they are certainly related. i think as part of the whole meaning behind the words "social risk," most people (myself included) won't take social risks for fear of other people's thoughts, again, whether or not you choose to acknowledge that fear. get-togethers a social risk? come on...and i don't necessarily mean parties, though it certainly could mean them. just because you meet one group of friends, it doesn't mean you should stop meeting new people or that because you meet people you devalue existing friendships. and likewise, it doesn't mean that people who do have their group of friends won't associate with you.</p>

<p>and i realize you didn't say "work hard now, graduate, THEN the fun starts" directly, but despite what you intended there are really very few other interpretations to your statement "Your four years will be over in no time." (and i'm the pessimist?) when i say locked into 8 hours of work, i mean that for the most part you won't have the same freedom to schedule your life as you did in college. often your employer chooses your hours...no more waking up in the afternoon if you so wanted, or squeezing in some time with friends during breaks. mind you i never said that's a bad thing, but certainly far removed from what happens in college. and that also goes with the idea that college is a vastly different experience from anything else in life. it's not that the opportunities go away later in life, but they aren't the same...college has a way of almost pushing people into social situations, whereas anywhere else there isn't that sense of necessity....for example, you're more likely to talk to and befriend the person sitting next to you in class than the person who sits next to you on the subway.</p>

18

<p>
[quote]
I seriously think there is about a 6-week window at the very beginning of freshman year to make close friends, and if you don't have your little group by the end of that time, sucks for you.

[/quote]
I think this is a bit pessimistic view of things. At the start of school there is a window where everyone's lost and looking to make friends, but it doesn't mean you can't make friends after that. It may be harder or take a higher level of social skills (knowing how to approach an established group, etc) but you can find plently of people who met their best friends late the 1st year, not until 2nd year, or even as transfers.</p>

<p>There's a quote to the effect that whether you think you can do something, or you think you don't, you're right. And there's something to that. If you've decided there are no friends to be made then you're going to interpret everything in that light, and it can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy and an excuse for not trying to do anything about it.</p>

<p>Phobos is right, BTW, about what a strange place the working world can be! In college you're surrounded by thousands of people your own age, for the most part unattached, without kids and family obligations, etc. Then you start working and you might be the new kid hired into a group of people a decade or more older than you. Imagine all of a sudden spending most of your weekday waking hours surrounded by people mostly your parents age, how much do you have in common with them? And a lot of people have deliberately made the decision to keep their work life separate from their private life; you see people all day at work, but come quiting time you all you go your separate ways. I'm not trying to say the working world is bound to be miserable and unfriendly, but I am saying don't put off happiness today in hopes things will magically get better tomorrow.</p>

19

<p>Even if you are in classes with a heavy workload, you have to find time for yourself! Lay out a schedule for getting things done - then do them quickly. Don't spend hours at a time on weekdays doing homework (at least not more than once or twice a week). Use smaller chunks of time to get what you can done, then spend some time either hanging out by yourself doing what you want to do (such as reading a good book) or getting out there and meeting people!</p>

<p>Here are some ideas:
1) Wherever you walk, whether it's down the hall or trying to find a seat in the caf, SMILE AT EVERYONE (ok, not literally every single person, but you know what I mean) YOU SEE! At first this will be a put-on confidence, but the more smiles you get back, the more confident you'll be!
2) Strike up conversations anywhere about anything. You might start talking to your classmate about indie movies, and before you know it he'll have invited you to a film festival.
3) Find a sport, community service group, or other club to get involved in. Try out for a play or help backstage. Teach a class through community ed. Do something that you love, or try something you've always wanted to do but were afraid you'd make a fool of yourself.
4) I disagree with the person who said don't do any homework on Fridays. Do a bit between classes and finish it up in the early evening, leaving Saturday and Sunday open.
5) INVITE PEOPLE TO DO STUFF WITH YOU.</p>

<p>Let me know how it works out for you! I hope you find friends soon. And remember, if you really need help adjusting, talk to a counselor. There may also be a group or campus center that's focused on helping freshmen and/or transfer students adjust.</p>

20

<p>I, too, have had some huge difficulties making friends in college. I was relatively successful in the beginning, as I had a social roommate who had a lot of friends, and I had a car, thus I would go on outings with all of them. That was nice, but they weren't really my friends, and I always felt like an outsider. Then, I finally made a friend who I could talk to, and she ended up transfering for financial reasons at the end of the year! Yikes! I went into my sophmore year with very few friends, and little expectation that I would make any, as I was living in an apartment, which stinks for spontaneous social interactions. In order to make some changes, I got more involved in the activities I was in. Became an officer in the ballroom dance club, which at least got me out of my room twice a week. Joined a class training to be an RA, which got me talking to a lot of people I would never otherwise have interacted with. </p>

<p>Finally, the thing that has really, truely helped has been studying abroad. I did it early, second semester Sophomore year, because what did I have to lose? I came here to London knowing absolutely no one, and pretty messed up emotionally from my first semester. When I walked into my flat dragging my suitcases, I met my flatmate, who was basically in the same position. We've quickly become very close friends, mostly because we were in such a foreign situation that we needed each other. We've talked about it since then, and realized that one of the issues both of us had with making friends in our first few years of college is the type of friends that you make. Instead of having the childhood buddy who you've ran around in diapers with, you have to make adult friends, in adult situations. That can be extremely tough. What I've come to realize is that you need to see that you are a worthy friend. People aren't trying to talk with you solely out of pity; they actually want to know you. I know how hard it is to make friends and keep them, and I realize that my new friend is going to be going back to Michigan in a few months, while I return to California. But we've started making plans about how we can get back together and visit. There is still a future in this friendship. </p>

<p>Wow, I've somewhat started preaching here, and I'm sorry about that. Still, I think that it is important to know that you are certainly not alone in these problems. College can be really, really tough. You have to take risks that aren't necessarily normal. Those risks don't have to be drinking or drugs- they certainly weren't for me. I went to a new country, tried a very different sport, and joined a crazy class. All of these things helped me to find new types of friends- those of the adult variety.</p>