<p>So I sent my only daughter to college 1000 miles away. It was what she wanted and we let her go. And she did well and kept in touch and was always home at holidays and summers. And then she graduated college and had a boyfriend in this college town so she got a job there. That was still okay because she came home summers (she's a teacher), vacations and hurricanes (Fla). I can honestly say that after she graduated college she maintained less contact with us as she had a large social circle. So, all of a sudden, there was marriage. And now I can honestly say she is no longer close with me. She is her husband's wife and that relationship takes priority.(D is 23 and so what does a 23 year old have in common with a 53 yr old) And now, there is a baby, too. And husband and I went to visit but any visit DOES NOT equal seeing a baby grow month to month. So what happens next is, Son- in- Law gets a job in HIS hometown. So the young family is now off to live in HIS PARENTS HOUSE and hopefully buy a house there (with all the wedding money we gave ). And I'm left feeling like, hello, the 2nd hand grandparents.Husband and myself now have to uproot ourselves entirely to go visit our grandchild.And it's costly and aren't old enough to retire, at least a decade to go.And daughter DOES NOT CALL ME. Whenever I get upset because daughter NEVER CALLS.......it's all MY fault. It 's SO hard dealing with a 23 year old girl who does not see my point of view. I went so far as to send her MONEY to call me, and she is doing more of it now, but the thought of Mother-In-Law having constant acess to my daughter's family hurts me.</p>
<p>So, don't do it, don't send them to their dream college unless you are prepared to sever the ties if they stay there. Forever.Or can afford to travel constantly. </p>
<p>Maybe the folks in the cafe can offer something.</p>
<p>My rule is that they can go anywhere they want within a radius of three days travel - by plane. ;) (Older d. is currently in Bangkok, and didn't call - but we know she is out and about, with a friend of ours we think, a Nobel Peace Prize nominee.) Younger d. just returned from Manhattan (and is plotting how to get back.) I always wanted to raise world citizens, so I can't complain when their not home.</p>
<p>But yes, we will need more kids in our lives. (already working on that, though - I've got 240 of them in South India.)</p>
<p>Wow. I'm not sure I have anything to offer except sympathy and a bit of fear.
D is my only. I felt her conception and knew her before she was born. For the last 18 years, my overriding purpose in life has been to nurture and support this amazing, independent, conscious woman. She will probably go far away to college. She will speak many languages and travel to many places. She will most likely fall in love, marry and have grandbabies (hopefully in that order) with somebody not from around here.</p>
<p>The way I see it though is that it has been my job to send this being out into the world to make a difference. If she does that on the east coast, in Mexico, in Afghanistan, it is because I have done my job well. As she enters her senior year, part of what I have to accept is that our closeness and her dependence on me is dwindling. Unfortunately in our culture, we split apart. </p>
<p>The thought of hearing from the seed of my womb only on holidays is very sad. I can imagine how you feel. I don't know what I will/would do if faced with your situation. Selling the house and moving is not outside the realm of possibility. </p>
<p>This all makes me think of my mother's experience. Me and sibs all live closeby and she has been very involved in the raising of her grandkids. Still, although I live 1 hour away, I see my parents probably once a month. That's sad and I think I'll go visit this weekend. Maybe help her in the garden.</p>
<p>I wish you peace and hope that you can either change or learn to accept your situation.</p>
<p>wow backhand they grow up fast don't they-
well I could suggest a dog ;)
We got a dog when my youngest was 4 and I was feeling the urge to have another child. Still have the dog- she is doing great- leaving her home when we take our 23 yr old back to college though- its too hot there in august.</p>
<p>She probably will at least settle on the same coast- but it is hard to say- 23 is so young!
My 15 yr old I will be happy if she is on the same continent- even on a different one if she is within range of periodic contact- but you have to go pretty far not to be within range
even a friend who is in azerbijan has a place where she can get email
But frankly I have to applaud you, you raised your daughter to have her own life, and her own family- isn't that the job we are supposed to do?</p>
<p>Thanks , yomama and mini.I'm just bummed. EVERYTHING is out of our hands once they find the love of their life. Like you said, we have to let them go. But it hurts when they return to their spouse's nest but not ours.</p>
<p>BHG, I don't have much advice as I have not been in your shoes yet. But as others said, for one thing, you raised her to get to this point in adulthood and to be independent. Good job! I feel your pain. I can't say that you can totally blame this situation on her having gone to college far from home. It contributes to it but it is not a straight line of cause and effect. What I see is that she is at this stage of life where she has made a life of her own, has a husband, and now a family and a home. This is a very hard stage for you and the separation feels more permanent than sending your kid off for nine months to college (when they come back now and again). So, this stage would be difficult no matter what. Also, she may have lived far away even if she had gone to college in your region (met a boy at college from somewhere else....or they got job offers far away and so forth). So, whatever the reason, you are now at this juncture and change of life of having a grown up married daughter living elsewhere. </p>
<p>If I may suggest.....one is that a relationship is not just about location. True it is different and enjoyable to see one another face to face but a relationship can be frequent contact via phone or email, whatever. Closeness is still very possible. Emotional closeness. It will be different as she is married now, of course. Also, perhaps you can send them tickets to visit you if that is a hardship for them to afford. And then take turns and visit them when you can. Between them coming and you going there, perhaps you can make five visits with one another per year. That is about how often one sees a college unmarried kid anyway. </p>
<p>The fact that they live close to her inlaws....you can't change that. They will have a certain relationship due to frequent brief visits and you will have the more intensive visits that are on occasion. Perhaps in ten years, you guys might retire to Florida, ya never know. </p>
<p>I think what is happening in your situation is basically a stage we will all go through. It is rough but inevitable. </p>
<p>I have not lived near my parents since I was 18 years old. </p>
<p>lol dog. I was just thinking....."I guess they (kids) want me to become 'the cat lady'"! lol
It just hurts to be second fiddle grandparents. S in law has such a close association with his parents.
We had to let her go. She needed action and there was more action in the South for her. But I'll tell you, no more cats.</p>
<p>backhand, you sure got my attention! My only daughter (only child!) is going across the country to college next month. She has been telling me that she is planning on staying on the east coast after she finishes school. I tell my friends this and they tell me that there is no way we can predict the future. There is still a lot of the future ahead of you and so many things could change. It sure seems as if you successfully raised a great human being who is fully capable of taking the reins of her life as she heads in a positive direction. Congratulations! As always, these CC Parents on your post offer great advice and empathy.
Like you, I tend to encourage my D to make her own decisions and then go all out and be happy. Come on! We wouldn't want it any other way!!!</p>
<p>Oh my, D. is in college 3000 miles away on the opposite coast. Has a boyfriend at the USNA. If that leads to marriage they could end up anywhere. I like the idea of a dog. Several years ago our family started volunteering at the local animal shelter with the rabbits. I was all Ds idea. Now H and I still go every weekend and we have 3 rabbits of our own. I'm also a "foster parent" for sick and injured rabbits and guinea pigs. My D wants to take her rabbit back east with her (half way serious) but I said "no" I'm holding onto that "grandkid" lol.</p>
<p>Backhandgrip: I think your D needs some emotional space right now. She is still just getting established as an adult, and now as a wife and mother all at once. That is a huge developmental task for her as a 23-year-old. And living IN her in-laws house as well! Don't expect too much of her right now. She is probably overwhelmed with all she is handling. If you just give her lots of support and extra love and don't ask for much back right now, she will end up appreciating that and she may become closer with you again. Send her some phone cards and encourage her to call when convenient FOR HER; send the little grandchild lots of books and special little things. You will build your own relationship with your grandchild, and it won't necessarily be "second-fiddle." If you put in the time and effort, your grandchild will love you too.</p>
<p>A child psychologist told me that daughters MUST go through a period of withdrawal from mother as young adults (teen, college or early adult years). This helps establish the D as a separate woman, and it is a necessary stage of development. I'm trying to remember this with my own D....</p>
<p>I feel your pain. I have an only child D, who hates the heat - we live in TX, and she is going north to school. Has already said she plans on staying up there. Studying languages and IR, she will probably travel the world, and be away from me more than close by. I would HATE it if she moved close to her H's family - intellectually understanding is not the same as feelings. You have a right to your emotions - even jelaousy - your brain cannot control that. I would feel betrayed, just as you do, especially about the phone calls. But I also feel sorry for your D. She is 23, the mother of a child, and has to deal with MIL's interference and advice. We know 2 women heads of household in one house can cause a tremendous amount of friction. I bet once they move out, you will hear from her a lot more. Can you imagine if she called a lot and had conflicting advice from 2 mothers? The last thing she needs right now is another mother telling her what to do. I think she is just trying to adjust and can't wait to get into her own house. Then, they probably won't see H's parents so much, either. Do they have a computer? How about internet service for them for a year as a Christmas gift? Then, you could get photos, etc. A digital camera???? If there were a baby, I know I would want to be there all the time, too, and it seems unfair to you that they are doing all this with your money. I wish I had some answers, but can just empathize. Do you have a friend with a good shoulder to cry on? It would help if you had someone you could unload your feelings on, who will just listen and be supportive. And in another couple years, D will see that her child needs both sets of grandparents, and things will get better. God bless you!!! And don't feel bad for feeling the way you do.</p>
<p>backhandgrip - I understand you are sad and perhaps angry but you could have sent your daughter to the school nearest you and this could have happenned. Invest in some web video cameras so the contact can be regular and you can see your family. My daughter and I share a cell phone plan so we can talk to each other no matter where in the country we are. It is hard to let go, but it is part of the process. </p>
<p>Sometimes the best way to strengthen a contact is simply to listen, to accept, and to bite your tongue about what you want....</p>
<p>wow. How hard it must be for your DTR to be so young, barely married, with a baby, in a strange town, and then living with MIL. Still, would be nice for her to be warmer with her mom. I hope, in time, she comes to appreciate you and be more forthcoming. Hard to find a balance. Some kids seem to call home several times a day -totally dependent--and others act like they sprang into life as young adults. I can relate</p>
<p>I'm one of 7 kids. 6 of us went to grad schools out of state, 5+ hours (by plane) from HI. ALL 7 of us have moved back to HI, though most of my parents friends have children scattered all over the US.</p>
<p>No one can predict the future & my parents honestly didn't know whether we'd ultimately return or stay at the various places we attended school. Several of us established roots where we attended school, but what really made me decide to come back home was when my older sister had her 1st baby & we only got to see them when we flew to Chicago or they flew to see us.</p>
<p>It's great the computers & cell phones & planes make staying in touch easier, but it is so tough when you can't be with your loved ones as often as you'd like, world citizens or not.</p>
<p>
[quote]
what does a 23 year old have in common with a 53 yr old
[/quote]
Maybe I'm weird amongst people my age for saying this, but I would say a lot. I've never understood the idea that people can't relate to each other across generations. When I see friends of mine who don't talk to their parents, it just seems so weird to meand so tremendously sad.</p>
<p>I feel bad for you, backhandgrip, and I'm sure my mother could relate a tiny bit to what you're feeling. All I hear as I prepare to go off to university for the first time is, "But you will come back and settle here, right?"</p>
<p>my wife went to college 40 minutes from home on the east coast. I first dragged her to California where we got married, then overseas... far far away from her mother. :( Now we live 4 hours away from her mother who is in a nursing home and my wife takes care of all her affairs and drives down to see her frequently, so perhaps you have something to look forward to after all. :)</p>
<p>BHG -- You've hit several chords with me. I was lying in bed last night wondering why it is so hard to let go. My boys are becoming very independent, and it is so hard to not call them constantly. If I leave it to them, I'd never hear. I knew that sending them away to college would probably mean they'd never return. My 22-year-old is relishing being financially independent in DC, and having his own life. My 19-year-old is also enjoying making his own way, at least for the summer. My dad died in April. I am still trying to let go of that. It is so much harder than I ever expected.</p>
<p>I am the daughter that moved away. I needed space. At first we lived much closer to my in-laws. They were many things I'd always wished my parents would have been. After a few years, though, that became suffocating to me. We ended up moving further away from both sets of parents. It took me years to appreciate the positive things both sides had to offer. Now my mom is here visiting for 5 weeks, and I enjoy her company so much more than I did when I was 23.</p>
<p>I predict that being so close to in-laws will eventually wear thin. You may find your bond becoming stronger, as time goes by, and the "honeymoon" with the in-laws wears off. </p>
<p>My close friend is in your situation, except with a son. She resents the other set of grandparents being intimately involved with her grandson on a daily basis. Yet I suspect the other grandparents are jealous of her "Grandma camp" where she gets her grandson for a full week or two of summer without any parents at all, and gets to just spoil him.</p>
<p>I still have a daughter at home (16) and dread losing her. But my own history says I probably will, at least for awhile. I have joked that she can go anywhere to college that she wants .... as long as I can go with her. I am trying to prepare for it in advance. Trying to fill my life with other things so I won't feel the hole so deeply.</p>
<p>Please let us know how things go for you. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Prepping for child's independence is a GREAT idea. One friend started taking up jewelrymaking extensively when her only child (son) was a HS junior & got increasingly more involved with it (including trade shows & craft fairs) as he got closer to starting college, so when he finally flew thousands of miles away to Dartmouth, she wasn't so heartbroken. He is now attending architectual grad school at UCBerkley & she is still an excellent jewelry crafter. Finding your own interests is an excellent idea & suggestion. I know I'll have to think about this too, as my son will be starting college in a year & daughter 3 years from now.
I know I had to get away for a few years & figure out who I was before I was happy to return home to have a new relationship with my extended family. Maybe others also need that time & distance to grow & who knows whether circumstances will allow loved ones to be emotionally & physically closer to us after some "space."</p>
<p>I've mentioned to my mom that I want to attend college out-of-state. She refuses to consider the idea, lol. I think she's being too over-protective, but after reading your post I realize a little why it's hard for her to send her first-born child so far. She's afraid of not being in my life, or really I not being in her's. </p>
<p>My mom and I have a tight bond, so it's not as difficult to talk to each other. I have asked her why she wants me to stay in state. She responds with something like " If you were ever in a crisis, needed help, or were sick, I could be there for you. There's a difference between going to college an hour or two from home and going to one that is several states away where I would rarely see you. At least, if you attend college here I know your safe." And, I know these are natural instincts of a mother. In her eyes, I'm a still a child who only a few years ago was celebrating her first double-digit birthday. And, even though I'm in high school, preparing to start driver's ed, on my way to attending college, I'm still the child who only a few years ago was in elementary school. I remember a while ago, she didn't even want me to live in the dormitory:eek:.</p>
<p>It's especially tough when you see families sacrifice so much & have their children have miserable college experiences thousands of miles away from home. (Fortunately, of course, most folks have more good/positive college experiences than bad/negative.) I've had several friends/family members whose children decided to return to HI because they we not happy at the colleges they attended: Notre Dame, Redlands, Santa Clara, UCB, UOregon, Carnegie Mellon & others. Of course, have known many more who are very happy at their chosen schools. One of the downsides to living 3000+ miles from any other state (West Coast) is that any OOS college is at least 5+ hours flight away. Ah, just another price of paradise.
Would love it if there were a GREAT colleges in/near home. Our state U does have some great departments, but is primarily a comuter school, with most kids hanging out with their HS friends (most of the kids from the private HS my kids attend go to OOS colleges).</p>