<p>For the first 15 years of our children's lives we lived close to the in-laws, and my parents found ways to visits, connect, and never acted like they were angry we were 1200 miles away. Now we live near my mom and MIL acts like we MUST take all three kids and trek halfway across the country (to a remote place with no activities for the kids to enjoy) or we are somehow slighting her. Guess who the kids like to be with more?</p>
<p>She is 23 and married. It is not about what mom wants or needs anymore. Now when mom is older and needs real care the dynamic changes. But for now, let it go.</p>
<p>But I am still hurt. I kinda wonder where my place will be in the scheme of the relationship. I mean, I have been friendly, supportive, I have been generous, I'm willing to listen but you have to make contact for that and she is not. ..........And I am the one forgotten while there is a cozy relationship with his family.</p>
<p>BHG - I know that this is very painful for you. It's difficult to experience someone you've loved and nutured, someone who has meant everything to you pull away like this. A long time ago, I read that when it comes time for children to separate from their parents (to individualize), the closer the relationship, the more traumatic the break up. This is because it requires much more to break stronger ties. I imagine that this to some degree or other is figuring into what's happening. I believe that there will be a time, of indeterminate length, that during which you may not have much contact with your daughter. We feel the pain more because our kids have gone on to new and ever-changing lives that our fascinating, while we the parents are left with the same old life feeling the loss. Please, BHG, know that in time she will come around. She has not rejected you. She has just moved on to a new stage in her life. Also, it could be that she is even feeling some pain, but to individualize, she can't give in to it and at this point resume the same closeness you both had before. The relationship is being redefined. Try not to fret. Be positive in your contacts with her. MIL is not the same a mom. You will both enjoy a wonderful relationship once again. In the mean time, try to occupy your time with activities you deferred while being a hands-on mom. Stay in contact with her, you both need that, but don't feel slighted because of the current situation. Your daughter loves you, but right now just doesn't know how to define the relationship, and, as I said, might be feeling some guilt and pain of her own that she is currently unable to deal with. Your place is the same as it always was; it's she who is changing. It will get better. Believe me. I had to pull hard to break away from my parents, whom I love dearly. But the first few years away, and the first few years I was a mom, you'd never have known it. But I came back, once I had integrated the new me into my new roles. I too was closer to my MIL than my mom for a spell, because of proximity. Now, my high school senior son is pulling hard away from me. Painful? You bet, but as an adult I have some insight into this process, so while I'll suffer inside missing the closeness we once shared (and we were VERY close), I'll try to piece together my life again, stay positive for his sake and accept the changes he's going through (because in many ways, his journey is as traumatic as mine). And, I know that someday he'll come back too. Thanks for posting this morning BHG, I've been going through some hard times recently, and your poignant post pulled some understanding and optimism out of me. I'm grateful. Be of stout heart! OB</p>
<p>I have only scanned this thread, and apologize if I am being redundant. I have a dumb question. Is it really that much harder to separate from a daughter as a son? I don't have girls, so this is unfamiliar to me. But I can identify with the feeling that they are growing up and leaving the nest. Older s. came home for a few days from his summer job (with 12+ friends in tow). There were young adults in and out of here for 3 days (it was fun) and no sooner did they leave, than s. was off on a plane to meet up with them in S. Florida (there is a girlfriend involved too). Younger s. got to spend 1 day with his big brother (and the are very close). We are hoping to have about 1 week with our s (he's expected back Sun morning) before he heads back to college. And he's only 19. I can only imagine that the visits wil become less frequent as his circle of friends continues to increase, and his activities and opportunities take him all over.</p>
<p>I went to college about 1 1/2 hrs from my parents, but then went to grad school 1000 mi away. After grad school, I looked at a variety of job opportunities, and selected one that is a 2 hr planeride from my parents. Hubby and kids came into the picture after the job selection. No extended family on either side at all in our area. This is actually a bit sad. I would like to have some family nearby, but I don't.</p>
<p>Backhand-
Your feelings are understandable. I have always imagined that as the mother of boys, we will be the "B list" grandparents, when the time comes. There is always something about girls and their moms. And for this bond to be strained for you is so sad. I am sorry. I lost my mom a yr and a half ago, and I still have this impulse to pick up the phone and call her when something good happens for one of the boys. It's hard not to be able to do that.</p>
<p>I think that this is just a phase. Your daughter is young, and wrapped up in a lot of her own stuff right now. But is sounds like you have a long history of postive experiences with her. This bond won't break-- its just stretched a bit thin right now. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I was thinking about this overnight, and thinking about the grandbaby who you justifiably want to cuddle up and enjoy. Don't be afraid that not having you near now will shape that relationship forever. When my youngest had colic and I was slowly going nuts, my sister often reminded me that it was ok to let the baby cry some, and that she wouldn't remember it anyway! (This is not an excuse to abuse a baby, just a reminder normal good loving parents have a little leeway to not be perfect.) It sounds like the baby is still very young. He/she won't remember which grandma changed more diapers. There is time to build a relationship, and so much can change in a few years in your life or theirs.</p>
<p>The truth is, none of us know how the daughter feels or what the relationship is. However, the one thing we can say, is if you offer a non judgemental place for her to come, love and a positive, uplifting attitude, why wouldn't she want to come to you?</p>
<p>I am so thankful for how my mother handled my disinterest in her during my early marriage years. She called me. She didn't call too often, only once every week or two....just enough to keep contact. If she hadn't, I don't know how long it would have taken me to call her. A long time, I think.</p>
<p>She never, ever asked why I didn't call her. She never whined or complained about not seeing me or the grandbaby. She asked about what was going on with me and told me what was going on with them. I was always happy to hear from her because she never burdened me with any expectations. She praised me and complimented me. When I told her we were planning to homeschool the kids, she said, "Well, if anyone can do that, you can!"</p>
<p>Over time, I grew up. We moved back to our hometown when we'd been married 5 years. My mom was so involved in her own life that at times <em>I</em> would get a little miffed that she was too busy for me.</p>
<p>Now she's retired and she and dad have moved back to their hometown. We talk once or twice a week by phone and I am as likely to call her as she is to call me. My kids have a close relationship with her and those few years apart had no effect whatsoever.</p>
<p>Expectations are a prison when they are put upon you. Think about it. When someone frequently lets you know that you aren't meeting their expectations, all you want to do is get away.</p>
<p>I just want to thank everyone again for their comments and those who offer support and advice. And thank you for not imagining me a monster as a couple folks have. I can assure you, I am no monster.Thanks, read everything, wonderful posts!</p>
<p>
[quote]
Is it really that much harder to separate from a daughter as a son?
[/quote]
I have one of each -- my son has been living on his own & supporting himself for almost 2 years now. My daughter is 17 & still lives at home, but was away 4 months last year overseas on a foreign exchange.</p>
<p>I personally felt it was harder to separate from my son. There may be a lot of factors - so I honestly don't think its about gender. I think it has to do with the particular relationship you have with each child -- you love all of your children equally, but you do sometimes feel a tighter bond with a particular child. This may have to do with personalities or the pattern of the relationship that has been set all along.</p>
<p>BHG, I do not know how anyone could think of you as a monster. Your crime is being a mother who loves her daughter and her new family and wanting to share some conversation and time together. You sound like a wonderful, caring mom.</p>
<p>BHG, you can be sure that happenstance, rather than your decision to send your daughter 1000 miles away, led to the results you justifiably deplore. I sent my firstborn, a daughter, 3000 miles away, from West Coast to New England. She came back here when she graduated while her boyfriend moved for grad school from here to the same university she had just left. Then they broke up and she took up with a young man who had been at college with her but had found work out here. His parents had just moved from Maine to the S.F. Bay area to be near their son. Despite her proximity to us, she spends much more time with his parents, but I realize that she has always wanted to be independent - in fact, I encouraged her to be. I think she feels like more of an adult with his family, and since they have no girls they are delighted to have her around. Have you ever considered becoming a CASA (court-appointed special advocate) in your spare time? You can have a wonderful long-term grandmotherly relationship with a child or sibling group who desperately need attention and mentoring. It sure took my mind off my problems.</p>
<p>Thinking about your situation, I realized that I don't know my paternal grandma that well because of what you're worrying about: distance and loss of contact. My paternal grandmother lives far away from me while my maternal grandparents live fifteen minutes from my house. I'm very close with my maternal grandparents. They've seen me grow up. It's as if they are my second parents. Growing up and even now, I practically lived at their house, visiting them as often as I do. My mom has a great, intimate relationship with her parents and so do I. I barely know my paternal grandmother, though. In my entire life, I've visited her once, when I was six. The distance is a major barrier between us. She lives in the Carribean, which is nearly five hours by plane from where I live. This isn't so bad, but my father doesn't keep contact with her and it's not as if my mom is pushing for me to see my grandma. </p>
<p>But, BHG if you work at it, I think you can have a wonderful relationship with your grandkids. You seem compassionate for your family and that always goes a long way. You'll be that grandmother who the grandkids are always excited to see. Because you don't see them as often, their memories of you will be that much more special. You may not see them grow up from day to day when they're one, but that doesn't mean you can't have an important role in their lives. After all, your grandkids won't remember that you weren't there when they took their first steps.</p>