<p>Has anyone else seen the tv commercials from Best Buy? Helicopter parents are becoming almost mainstream with the commercial's message "it's time to let go". There are at least 2 out, one with a parent not letting their kid out of the car when they arrive at the college and one of a parent hiding their daughter's backpack in the barbecue so she can't find it and leave. A little levity for the moment.</p>
<p>I'm actually thinking a lot about the new dynamics with H, once all 3 of them are out of the nest (in 9 days). There's a middle daughter home now (college graduate) but she's just doing her launch to the next city; she's really just visiting and very pleasant. Once she goes (and emotionally she's pretty gone already...), it'll be just us H and me. No big pot of gold to travel on, so we have to redefine it all from within the house. I'm teaching 4 courses next fall, which isn't a classroom of little ones but I'll look forward to the variety of ages, including one course for adults which is new ground for me. They don't throw chairs, usually. </p>
<p>We've never had time alone in our marriage, nor a long courtship. We decided to marry one week after meeting each other; lived l,000 miles apart until the wedding, and got pregnant four months after the wedding. So, it's always been "all about the kids." </p>
<p>I hope I like him when I meet him in a few months...</p>
<p>paying3tuitions -- I see you all over CC. Sometimes I agree with you, sometimes I don't. </p>
<p>But I really wish you the best on getting to know your husband. I suggest that you tell him exactly what you have said on this last post. Open the discusssion. </p>
<p>When we discussed the changes in the dynamics of the family with my S as he leaves for college, we called it "reclaiming the couple." Fortunately for everyone, it was never ALL about the child.</p>
<p>Raising three kids together has got to "count" for something. Tell him what that something is to you and what it means to you. A job well done as a father in raising three wonderful kids is a high compliment in my book. Strong and independent children (especially daughters) means there was good parenting going on. Tell him.</p>
<p>I know that the feeling of "now what?" can be disturbing, but try everything. Hey, even fall in love with him all over again.</p>
<p>"I've gotta tell you with my eldest it took me until Spring of his sophomore year when I noticed I was thinking more about how happy I was for whatever he was doing on campus than overwhelmed with thoughts about how much I missed him. "</p>
<p>I am with paying3tuitions on this one. For me it was a little shorter wait. It took me only a few weeks to realize that our son first, and our daughter latter, were happy and thriving where they were. That made the transition a lot easier. As gagdad indicates, modern communications (e-mail, cell phones, instant messaging) have been a big help as well.</p>
<p>In our case we also found that we did not have as much time to miss them as we previously thought. This may sound strange in this thread but it is OK not to have the kids around. My wife and I have found the ability to make spontaneous decisions to be great. Not having to drive to soccer practice, band or the latest SAT means we can wake up on Saturday and say "how about lunch in the city?"</p>
<p>There is a time for everything and even though I don't remember looking forward to an empty nest, now that we have one it is not a bad arrangement.</p>
<p>Is it different for dad than it's for mom? My H seems to be doing better than me.</p>
<p>I am particularly loving seeing the fathers' persepective here. I also find this thread hopeful and moving.</p>
<p>I've noticed that one spouse gets to stake out the territory of 'mid-life' crisis. The other one steps into a supporting role and foregoes the experience, haha.</p>
<p>My H suffered much more than I did. My powers of separation are unusually strong though.</p>
<p>I'm guessing my husband will have a worse time than I will, even though our son has been my full time job. I've been able to spend so much time with him, I think it makes me more philosophical about the separation.</p>
<p>But I have also put some effort into focusing on the positives--being able to take off with less thought of the school calendar will be nice. Anytime he does anything irritating, I congratulate myself on getting a break from THAT, whatever it is. Have to find the silver linings.</p>
<p>today my oldest who is home, showed m pictures of her lil sis on her facebook, watching the yankees (we are in SF)</p>
<p>spoke to D 3 times in 2 weeks, seeing she was happy made it better</p>
<p>that is how I will envision my oldest who leaves in 3 weeks for NYC...youngest is SOOOO excited she will be the center of our attention when big sis goes to school...yeah right</p>
<p>oldfort--Is the experience influenced by whether you are the dad or the mom? I don't think it breaks down that easy. </p>
<p>I know several women who will admit that they did not find it easy to be the uber-mom. They seem to have a fairly relaxed attitude about the coming seperation.</p>
<p>I've noticed that if the last 12 years has been "all about the kids," either there is a gigantic sigh of satisfied relief or a rapid intake of breath when it sinks in that soon it will just be the two adults.</p>
<p>Some friends seem a little concerned that the "kids" will no longer need them and get that confused with their grown child no longer loving them. Those seem to have pretty advanced anxiety over the break.</p>
<p>I find that the most reliable indicator is the degree to which the parent really worked to instill self sufficiency and independence in their child. If that was an important priority of the parent (and the child "got it"), the impending seperation is a wonderful time of excitement and fulfillment.</p>
<p>That being said, I know that for a while when I walk down the hall past his now empty room, or hear the backdoor open and realize it won't be him, I'll miss him like crazy. A free bird has to fly or die. Damn, I love him so.</p>
<p>Zoosermom-</p>
<p>I just read your post #6. I'll skim the other posts before I decide whether to make a more general post. </p>
<p>BUT, this is for you. </p>
<p>I suggest something a bit strange: go ahead and cry. But try to do it with her before she leaves for school. There is no denying that you are grieving. She knows that, I am sure. So, go ahead and tell her that you miss your father and that you will miss her. That you are generally sad and raw (if that is accurate), because she is probably picking up on this anyway. </p>
<p>Then you can also tell her that you are proud of her, excited for her, wouldn't change a thing....you fill in the rest. And that your sadness is a necessary accompaniment of loving the people in your life.</p>
<p>Forgive me, please, if I'm being presumptuous, Your post hit a nerve (I lost a dearly loved FIL a couple of weeks ago, lost my mother a while ago, sent only child off to college last year.)</p>
<p>Best
~Mafool</p>
<p>Hmmm...I don't know if I agree with that take, 07. Plenty of uber-independent kids have moms and dads at home crying their eyes out even though they were the ones who trained them to spread their wings. My father used to say, "I didn't have six kids so they could all live out of town!" (Four out of six live WAAAYY out of town).</p>
<p>Perhaps the link is the degree of joy that the parent feels about their own independence and freedom--past, present or future? If you had a wonderful thrill when you left home, then you are likely to be very positive about your child's thrill?</p>
<p>Also, introverts suffer more. That child love is a big blanket of warmth for the introverted parent. A 24/7 squeeze. An extrovert blithely assumes they can get those squeezes from current and future friendships and relationships. </p>
<p>Speaking of uber-ness, I don't miss the low grade anxiety of having a teen in the house. What I don't know, doesn't bother me, halleluia.</p>
<p>"Zoosermom-</p>
<p>I just read your post #6. I'll skim the other posts before I decide whether to make a more general post. </p>
<p>BUT, this is for you. </p>
<p>I suggest something a bit strange: go ahead and cry. But try to do it with her before she leaves for school. There is no denying that you are grieving. She knows that, I am sure. So, go ahead and tell her that you miss your father and that you will miss her. That you are generally sad and raw (if that is accurate), because she is probably picking up on this anyway. </p>
<p>Then you can also tell her that you are proud of her, excited for her, wouldn't change a thing....you fill in the rest. And that your sadness is a necessary accompaniment of loving the people in your life.</p>
<p>Forgive me, please, if I'm being presumptuous, Your post hit a nerve (I lost a dearly loved FIL a couple of weeks ago, lost my mother a while ago, sent only child off to college last year.)</p>
<p>Best
~Mafool"</p>
<p>Thank you Mafool, I really needed to hear this. I think ZG does know, but perhaps I need to remind her so she will understand. You are very wise.</p>
<p>I remember sailing out the door on my way to college and never giving what my parents were feeling a thought. I think I will call my mom tomorrow and ask her how she felt when the last one (me) left the nest for college. I did not got that far from home, so maybe it was easier for them. Maybe since I was #5-they were jumping for joy. I will be experiencing this with many of you a week from now. We should all compare notes and experiences in a few weeks.</p>
<p>cheers</p>
<p>I can go with the introvert/extrovert idea. But, I feel that most people want to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Therefore an introvert would seek to avoid the loss of the 24/7 love blanket provided by a present child by keeping little Johnny and Janie needy and nearby.</p>
<p>The extrovert would be more likely (under your theory) to incourage independence and self sufficiency and support (if not demand) an early "launch" date.</p>
<p>I also agree that teenage is nature's way of telling you it is time for them to launch. No teeager in the house is definitely SOME pleasure. So, why would the extrovert be in tears?</p>
<p>I certainly agree that if the parent had a positive feeling and actual experience in getting away, then he or she will assume that their child will too. Likewise, a parent who valued her independence at most (or all) stages of life would instill that as a positive value in her sons.</p>
<p>So, an extrovert who loved and loves independence should be ecstatic to have his independent son blast off. Well, I still miss him.</p>
<p>From a student's prospective...</p>
<p>I agree with mafool. I can usually pick up on how others are feeling, and as a result, I try to adjust my attitude when I'm involed in different situations. However, it's a lot easier when the person comes and tells me how he/she is feeling because I can only guess. Plus, we can have more personal and encounters in the future as a result.</p>
<p>Thanks, reeses414.</p>
<p>We parents try our best, but sometimes it feels like we're reading tea leaves (without a Tea-Leaves Reading For Dummies reference). Your perspective is appreciated.</p>
<p>EVery parent who enjoyed the little kid years misses those years, those children. I miss my sons when they are not home--I like to call them and write to them. We are extrordinarily close. When they come home for visits, we spend hours and hours in deep conversation. Two hour lunches, three hour dinners. My husband suffered when the first one left. He did an obtuse version of pounding sand.</p>
<p>When I finally caught up with his suffering, he was ready to let go of S1. He went on to have big fun with S2 for two years. Unexpected fun too. S2 is a mini-cheers. H didn't anticipate it, but H developed a fantastic relationship with mini-cheers, one of the most authentic relationships of his life. </p>
<p>The departure of the first one marks the end of the little kid years. It's a mortality/fertility thing. It bites everyone. The hurt is different.</p>
<p>The departure of the last one is the beginning of empty nest. Empty nest has sweeeeet upsides. Hurt? What hurt?</p>
<p>Besides, between two coming and going and our travels--who has time to miss them?</p>
<p>You people are killing me! DS is a junior--I cried so hard I could not even go up to his room to help him upack. DH had to do it all. I remember wandering around campus trying to regain my composure--and seeing lots of other parents doing the exact same thing. The dropoff was much easier his second year, so I figured I'd be okay when we drop off DD in a few weeks. Then I opened this thread...excuse me while I get the box of tissues!</p>
<p>I am sending my first S off in 11 days. Like 07Dad, I have raised my child to leave me. However, it doesn't seem to be making the idea of losing him any easier! Although I am "ecstatic to have him blast off", I am also deeply saddened by the approaching departure of my delightful, quirky, wonderful son. His teen years have been a pleasure, and our conversations have often made me look at him and wonder, "where did this cool young man come from?" I watched him grow from an awkward adolescent into a confident man -- and I am overcome at times with how well-adjusted he is, in spite of his neurotic mom (that would be me!). I have maintained my composure very well throughout the summer, but as the departure day looms, I am looking for my tissue stash! </p>
<p>I am thrilled for him, excited about the great adventures he is about to begin, more proud that I can possibly convey. His absence will be a hole in my heart. But I am so happy for him -- what a wonderful son he has been -- and I look forward to redefining our relationship as he lives his life away from me. </p>
<p>Now, where are those tissues?</p>