Drinking and Summer Vacation

Parents Forum
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<p>As a practical matter, this has never really come up in our house. We rarely drink or serve alcohol. When we go to extended family gatherings and decide to have a small glass, we do offer our kids a sip, if they’re interested. They don’t seem very interested and I don’t believe they drink much on campus (but I could be wrong). When we dine out with them, D & I sometimes order “virgin” blended drinks, because we both prefer them that way. S is 22 and D is 20, but both seem to prefer to spend their money on things non-alcoholic.</p>

<p>We have also always had the rule that ANY TIME any of them need a ride anywhere or home, they can call us, no Qs asked.</p>

<p>Alcohol has never played much of a role in our extended family’s life, tho my nieces do seem to like alcohol, as does my nephew-in-law & my younger brother & his wife & her family.</p>

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<p>Another member of the ‘you-can-drink-at-home-but-don’t-even-think-of-touching-car-keys-even-if-you’ve-only-had-one-sip’ club. I think we hounded this in so much that D2, now 23, won’t have much more than a 1/2 glass of anything before forbidding herself from driving. Please don’t take this to mean my Ds have not gotten really sloshed once or twice, but it’s almost always planned out ahead (party, event, etc.) and never done on a whim, without thinking about the ramifications and consequences of the logistics. </p>

<p>Thankfully, D2 is now officially 21!!! However, she never even had a fake ID.</p>

<p>Perhaps a sidebar to this thread, how many of your children have been injured (while not driving) when drunk? D1 broke her foot fall semester freshman year while jumping up and down with excitement over something she can’t really remember (and walking on a hill at the time didn’t help as she was used to living in the flatlands of the Midwest). D2 had her finger slammed in a doorway at a party and it broke the tip (they had to drill the nail to drain the blood underneath at the urgent care center the next day) of the finger. So both my kids are painfully aware of the risks involved even when you aren’t driving.</p>

<p>You know what was nice, though? Being 700+ miles away and telling them when they called with the news that they’d have to figure out how to deal with the injury/inconvenience themselves… no mommy to help out.</p>

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<p>

I still don’t think that your child’s idea of a good time is drinking at home with their parents. What do you do about other children drinking in your home? Or your child drinking elsewhere over the summer? Obviously, drinking and driving is out.</p>

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<p>I have to take a tiny bit of umbrage with the phrase “drinking at home with their parents.” I don’t refer to it that way, don’t think of it that way. We’re not a bunch of college kids sitting around with six packs of Natty Lite. For us it’s more “having a beer” or “having a glass of wine,” which we do pretty much every night at dinner.</p>

<p>DS#1 did not drink in high school, began a bit the summer after graduation, and does drink in college, although does not binge. Our summer rule is that if he’s had any alcohol he stays put and texts me so I know where he is and that he won’t be home for the night.</p>

<p>Now that said, with one exception when the whole family was playing board games last summer, our kids have never taken us up on the offer of a glass of wine or beer. DS#1 has always said, “Oh mom–I don’t think I could ever drink in front of you.” That just seems really odd to me, although I don’t say anything. I mean–I’d like to think I’ll be around when he’s 30, 40, 50. . . And he still won’t be able to drink in front of me? I contrast this with the last time my siblings, parents, and I got together. Happened to be about noon on a Saturday. We only had a short time together–my mom was pouring for everyone pretty quickly.</p>

<p>(And I must admit I admire a teen who appreciates a good New Zealand white. I remember being <em>so</em> proud of my parenting skills when I offered my then four-year-old a bite of a brioche and he said, “Hmmm–tastes kind of like a croissant.”)</p>

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<p>Rule for both kids has always been no drinking and driving. Call anytime for a ride, no questions asked. Did it work? No and yes. </p>

<p>S is an alcohol abuser and has been for some time. Got to the point where we do not allow him to use the cars because we had no confidence he would follow our instructions. And every time he left the house it was to drink. So. </p>

<p>D didn’t touch alcohol in high school unless it was the occasional glass of wine at a holiday meal. I can count on one hand how many times that happened. Now in college, I know she drinks. But I also know she isn’t driving, isn’t drinking every weekend and isn’t binging. Won’t be home this summer so really a non-issue for us. </p>

<p>Every family is different, but I don’t think kids will stop being the college students they’ve been just because they return home for the summer.</p>

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<p>I think it’s most important for parents (and other significant adults in the child’s life) to model correct drinking behavior. If the child sees that adults associates “having a good time” with drinking, then the child will also.</p>

<p>If the child hears statements like, “I’ve had such a hard day today, I need a drink,” then they will associate drinking as some kind of medication.</p>

<p>If the child sees drinking as something that is occasionally done and in moderation, then that’s how they will likely perceive drinking. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, even when parents model correct drinking behavior, if other significant adults or friends model a different behavior, that can be a problem.</p>

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<p>Kind of weird to check with the parents of an over-21 if they are ‘cool’ with another independent adult’s choice of drinking a beer.</p>

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<p>Terriwtt- WildChild got hurt while drunk in Las Vegas. He fell and blew out an already injured knee. Tore his meniscus, I think. I was initially given a totally different story of what happened, so details are sketchy… There have been other alcohol-related “situations” :slight_smile: D seems to have remained intact.</p>

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<p>Most everyone here has suggested use they the law as their home guideline, some homes a bit more strict that the law would allow. The only exception that I remember is Oldfort, who breaks the law and serves other children- with their parents’ permission.</p>

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<p>I will serve other children, with their parents’ permission, if the parents are actually there with us, which is not uncommon when we have get-togethers. Many of our friends are also our kids’ friends parents (and I’d say 98% of them all live within two-three miles of our home). In light, if we are at another friends’ home and my kid asks me if they can drink there, I always tell them I have to get the OK from the parent hosts. We have an interesting mix of friends; some kids, although 21, have been known to be their parents’ DD for the evening. It seems as if everytime we all get together, each family arrives with it already planned out as to which family member (kids included) will be the DD.</p>

<p>All this talk of parties, etc makes me realize we haven’t seen many of these people since the winter break and it’s making me miss them. I may have to do something to remedy that soon… like when D2 is home for all of four days of her spring break starting next weekend. By the way, D2 has also attended bar tending school as a backup plan for income as she pursues a career in performing arts after college.</p>

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<p>Our kids have been on their own in college for a few years now. We treat them like adults when they are home in regard to alcohol. If they want a cocktail they could have it but they also know that they will not get the keys to the car for the entire evening. It works for us, and none of my kids seem to indulge very much.</p>

<p>They had a New Years party in my home and all keys were collected by my kids. Every kid either got a ride home by me or my husband or one of their parents picked them up. Not one kid was messy drunk but they were drinking.
By the way husband and I were home by midnight to insure the safety of every kid. Most of the kids were turning 21.</p>

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<p>While I’m not saying this is true in your situation, adults need to be aware that taking keys away is not foolproof. Kids have been known to bring a spare set if they know they will be asked to turn their keys over. :eek:</p>

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<p>I’ll give other people’s kids a beer if they are over 21 but not if they are under 21. Interestingly, friends of ours gave my S1 beers in front of us without asking even though he wasn’t 21 so clearly attitudes vary. S1 broke a bone biking home under the influence between freshman year so yes we have experienced alcohol injuries. If we’re out to dinner with the kids and drink of course we flip the keys to one of the kids. All our friends do this. Not good to get a DUI when one is in their 50s when you have perfectly capable non-drinkers to drive. If the grandparents happen to be part of the dinner, we have one of the kids drive them, too, so they can have a martini or two. There is really zero tolerance in our area for alcohol and driving and that’s fine, I’ve no problem with that. I know there were times in our early adulthood where we should not have been driving but did…times they are a changing.</p>

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<p>

Was it Dean Martin who said, “Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”</p>

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<p>From the OP:

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<p>We were extremely careful concerning all friends who dropped over. We had a sense of our own kids, worked out over many years of close family dinners, zero-tolerance drinking/driving for us and them, the difference between 4 sips of wine at a Passover home seder vs. 4 beers elsewhere, and all that stuff every responsible parent tends to in their own vision of a “good upbringing,” each in their own language.</p>

<p>But friends bring different expectations, understandings and misunderstandings from their families that we cannot possibly know in detail.</p>

<p>My H was adamant not to serve even Sabbath Manischevitz (sugar + sugar) wine to guest minors at our dinner table, even though our own kids had sipped this since age 13 at our sides and finally, by senior year h.s., shared an occasional nice single glass of wine with a well-cooked home dinner. That was the norm when we were “just us” at home. </p>

<p>BUT…when our kids brought over friends from college freshman days, we actually switched back to grape juice for Friday night dinner! The last thing we needed was someone telling their families they had been served their first glass of “alcohol” at age 17, 18 or 19 in our home. In that first summer, there were still some friends attending senior year of h.s. as well as other college freshmen who came around. Along with legalities, we watch out for “the appearance of impropriety” and don’t think that’s hypocritical at all. Our kids understood it as protecting our own household (not protecting the other kids) and for that reason, I believe respected it very much. It’s a boundary and doesn’t say anything negative about any particular visiting friend. </p>

<p>Lightening up now… when we took our youngest as a college rising sophomore over to a mixed-generation summertime gathering in another family’s home, there a full bar was part of their every dinner. That grandma asked my 19-y.o. son to bring her a mixed drink, which he did with great panache. My jaw dropped. I asked, “where did you learn how to do that?” He said, Mom, I’m in college now.</p>

<p>So anticipate many surprises this coming summer. I’d say: continue to pay closest attention to drink-and-drive issues, as those are high-stakes. Also keep your legal boundaries up regarding visiting friends, who are all in transitional ages along with your son, who’ll be a “rising sophomore” this summer.</p>

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<p>I never would have gone for any drinking in the house when my kids were freshman. I am just not so sure they are mature enough to be responsible. It really depends on the kid and who there friends are. Every kid is different.</p>

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<p>Momma-three…some of them never mature even well into their fifties.</p>

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<p>^^^^
very true</p>

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<p>Maybe, but when you’ve known a kid since they were 6 yrs old it seems equally weird to just offer them a beer all of a sudden.</p>

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<p>It is a strange moment when they are “legal.” We don’t generally have beer in the house and I bought some at Christmas. I mentioned to my h that I had bought some beer for our son and to let him know if he wanted one and my h peered over the top of the newspaper and say “let him buy his own d*** beer he can finally legally purchase it.” The irony is I probably would have had to give him the ten bucks to buy it anyway because the kid doesn’t have any money. That’s one way to keep kids and alcohol and recreational stuff separate is to make sure they never have a dollar in their pocket.</p>