<p>DS is a freshman at a strong LAC that he chose for its academic as well as social and extracurricular offerings and seems a very good fit for him. Although he has made friends, gotten involved in activities and likes the school well enough, he is feeling dissatisfied. His complaints range from not enough diversity, to being too small, to not having enough courses he's interested in, to "everyone being a spoiled, rich, white kid". While there is some merit to all of these, none of them ring quite true - especially given the options he is considering. One is to do a semester in a 3rd world country in a very small program of less than 10 kids, all probably spoiled and rich and white. Another is to go to a very small New Age-type college where the average student's gpa and test scores are significantly lower than DS's, where the graduation rate is about 15%, and where my husband and I have very significant concerns about its very narrow curriculum which borders on cultish a bit. Another is to go to a very large public university, which DS has not even looked into enough to know that he can't transfer until he is a junior. The first two is based totally on the internet web site; the second on the internet web site plus knowing a graduate student who goes there; and the third on a few hour visit to the campus without sitting in on classes or anything. My concerns are that other issues are at play in DS's dissatisfaction and that his way of dealing with them are not productive. For one, he has always had a hard time with separation from family and friends has had a very tight knit group of friends, some of whom he has known since kindergarten; I know from other posts that these kids often have a difficult time adjusting to college and he complains that the kids at school are superficial. Also, he has not taken advantage of the offerings available at his school to get some of what he says he wants. And his process of "deciding" and "choosing" seems to be very haphazard - basically latching onto the first things that come along that sound appealing. He has not done any research into other programs, colleges, etc. except these three. It feels to me like he is looking outside himself for answers to issues that are inside of him. Spouse and I have just listened so far and asked a few, very few, questions, because DS is very defensive about his plans. Anyway, I'm having a very difficult time with this whole thing, in part because it's hard to see DS struggling and in part because I'm very worried about about to parent him at this point. Any similar experiences and/or words of advice would be GREATLY appreciated.</p>
<p>I'm sorry! I don't have any real answers - but sometimes it takes kids a whole year to find a "place" in a school, and the dissatisfaction at winter holidays is replaced by "school is my home" by the end of second semester. Your instinct is that there is something else going on, and you may very well be right. I would not make any moves other than to listen hard, and be supportive. See if you can get him to expand on what it is he hopes to find at these other schools. Have him talk through what it'll be like arriving on campus, living and going to school at his new school. If he does so he should end up being able to verbalize potential drawbacks of these other schools, too. (You just have to ask the leading questions like, "So you'll be comfortable and engaged in the back of the English lecture as one of 500 students at your new school?" :) ) Keep him talking, and maybe you'll get to the real issues. If he wants to transfer, fine. Just leave all the application work to him, and make sure he understands the financial, academic and social consequences for doing so. HTHs!</p>
<p>How long have you been hearing this from him? I sometimes find that with my own DS, that things blow over after a short period of time. Could this be possible in your case, or is this something he has been thinking and talking about for quite a while?</p>
<p>Other random thought - since he hasn't done thorough research, is there the possibility that he will not actually take action on these plans? Because, if so, you could watch and wait; see if he takes the path of adjusting better to/accepting more where he is. </p>
<p>I certainly understand how difficult it is to watch our kids struggle. Especially the boys who don't talk, don't share, get defensive when we want to know just enough to help them. It sounds like professional/school counseling/guidance of some sort would be ideal, but I know that it would probably be very difficult to get my own S to consider it if in the same situation.</p>
<p>Wow, this is a tough one. I would look back at the child's history. Is he a "smoke blower" - makes suggestions just to see if he can get a rise out of you, or just to see what your reaction is? Does he actually follow through on sudden impulses? If he has had difficulty with separations, what is the natural history of these difficulties - can he resolve them or do they fester?</p>
<p>I think Jmmom's suggestions are very sound, and Anixousmom's leading questions - pointing out some of the realities of those choices in a non-judgmental way "The classes are large, but many more offerings" are right on.</p>
<p>If he was my son, this would all be smoke blowing to obscure the real problem - with his grades, with a girl, not happy on his hall, so I would ignore a lot of the off the cuff comments. That's why knowing your child's history is so important. I would make the counselor/RA suggestion, he would blow me off, but then he might well go talk to someone - when it is his idea.</p>
<p>I would do this, if he is taking actual steps toward a school that you think is unacceptable - I would make that clear. There are some mistakes the Bank of Mom won't underwrite, but I would not bring that up unless he is seriously applying to an unacceptable choice.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son hasn't found his 'people' at college adn isn't sure how to go about finding them. </p>
<p>We moved overseas when our sons were in HS. One wanted to move, one didn't. The one who wanted to move had 100 amazing friends in the US. He didn't realize that he might not find 100 amazing friends everywhere he went. It was a valuable, though painful, lesson. He found friends, but few were on the same level as his (extraordinary) group back home.</p>
<p>The son who didn't want to move now has 60 amazing friends. Those good friends add a wonderful dimension to his life. However, boys aren't the best at anticipating future difficulties. S2 will probably encounter similar issues when he goes to college in the US.</p>
<p>The complaint about spoiled, rich kids is a real one. The level of inane consumerism is not to be believed--and hard to stomach. If you or H have had similar experiences, you might offer up a few coping strategies....</p>
<p>Been there.</p>
<p>In hindsight... the best choice my son ever made in his life was to drop out of his elite east coast LAC and go to work. I have to note that wasn't his full intent - when he quit school he was talking about traveling to Nepal. He just happened to fall in love with the first job he managed to get after he finally got off the living room couch. But he needed to figure that out himself, parental nagging/suggesting was a waste.</p>
<p>It wasn't the easiest choice -- after 2+ years working and supporting himself, my son now wants to finish his degree and is applying as a transfer to various schools. The financial aid picture isn't so good in this situation. Based on my agreement with him, he will have very limited financial help from me. The National Merit Scholarship is lapsed & long gone. No one cares about SATS any more - it is his uneven college grades that make a difference. </p>
<p>But I saw a radical change of personality within a matter of months. My son went from being a drifting, unfocused kid committed to nothing in particular to a driven, conscientious, mature, responsible, and much happier young man.</p>
<p>I don't know what your background is, but my son was also put off by the "spoiled, white kids" at his college and I don't think its a matter of race or finances, its a matter of attitude. So 10 rich white kids who go to a 3rd world country on some sort of service internship might be a lot more compatible with what your son is looking for in life than a college full of kids from a variety of backgrounds whose dominant interest seems to be getting drunk on Friday nights. </p>
<p>My advice: draw very clear lines about what you as a parent are willing to support financially and what you are not -- put it in writing if you have to -- and then back off and let your son live his life. Some kids just wallow in self-pity and are not pro-active enough to do anything about it. Others take a plunge. But your son is expressing the kind of angst that is something he needs to work out for himself. What he is really saying is that he is looking for meaning in his life and despairing of finding it in his current situation -- a parent can't supply these answers. </p>
<p>As much as it may frustrate you as a parent if your son makes what seems to be a bad choice now, you need to understand that the alternative could be your paying an extraordinarily expensive tuition at the present school for the next 3 years to support your son drifting along, only to emerge with a degree that means nothing to him, and no idea of what he wants to do next. A change can take him on a different and possibly much harder track, but it can also be an important step toward adulthood and his future career.</p>
<p>My son doesn't have a college degree and doesn't even know where he is going to end up next year, but he knows exactly who he is, what his capabilities are, and where his career track is taking him. Every dollar he spends on his education from here on out is a dollar that is going to be utlized for maximum benefit. </p>
<p>If you want more info you can PM you and I will tell you what the limits are that I set with my son and where he went to work.</p>
<p>Well, it's not like his descriptions are not either on the mark or could be (from his perspective), just that he hasn't found the numerous wonderful things he could be experiencing that might help to mitigate them. </p>
<p>I wouldn't immediately dismiss the Third World idea out of hand. Yes, there may be spoiled rich, white kids around him. But in my own life experience, foreign living (not just superficial travel, but a serious living experience), can in fact be life-changing. Your assumptions can be challenged, your picture of yourself changes, and with it, your relationships to your surroundings when you return. I obviously don't know the specifics of the program you are talking about. He might return with a renewed sense of purpose. </p>
<p>As a parent, though, having provided a sympathetic ear, the best thing might be to find a way to chill. These things usually have a way of working themselves out.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your suggestions and support. I'm realizing that there are two separate issues - one is my child possibly taking some steps seem questionnable at best and the other is my own feelings of helplessness vis-a-vis his process. I agree with you, Mini, that I need to find a way to chill. Jjmom and cangel, one of the things that worries me is that he has a history of getting very excited, even passionate about new ventures especially at the very beginning and then rapidly losing interest once the novelty wears off. He actually loved school and his new friends the first month and then started becoming dissatisfied when the honeymoon was over. (My best guess is homesickness started kicking in.) So of course I worry about him continuing along these lines, but maybe that's a course he has to take. I think I have some sense of the rich, white kids issue especially at LACs, but in this case I think it's more a smoke screen for missing the very close relationships he has with the friends he grew up with, because they could all easily be called spoiled, white, rich (or at least middle class) kids. And, cangel, my husband and I have already agreed that the parental money tree sheds its leaves only for what we consider legitimate educational experiences. Again my appreciation for your help and being there.</p>
<p>LilSal, Reading your post reminded me of an article I read once about expatriates adjusting to their host country. I know its a different situation, but the stages and symptoms struck me as being similar.
<a href="http://www.worldwide.edu/travel_planner/culture_shock.html%5B/url%5D">http://www.worldwide.edu/travel_planner/culture_shock.html</a></p>
<p>According to this culture shock theory, new arrivals go through a honeymoon stage where everything is new and wonderful, but as the novelty wears off and every day challenges loom they then fall into the second stage, which is characterized by a hostile and aggressive attitude toward everything foreign. </p>
<p>From the article: you talk as if the difficulties you experience are more or less created by the people of the host country for your special discomfort. You take refuge in the company of your countrymen and this cocktail circuit becomes the fountainhead of emotionally charged labels known as stereotypes. This is a peculiar kind of shorthand which caricatures the host country and its people in a negative manner Eventually (and hopefully) a balance is achieved and real life and adjustment begins.</p>
<p>You dont say how close you are geographically to your son. Perhaps you would be able to get a better feeling of just how serious this situation is if you were to sit down face to face with him and talk about his options. </p>
<p>The first, and the easiest and therefore the best, would be to stay at his current school. Unless this is real crisis and you havent indicated that it is your son is committed to finishing up the term. The second option is to face that a mistake has been made, that this college is not a good fit and that its time to move on. Im not an expert on transfers, but it would seem to me that you could operate on two levels here hope that things work out at his current school, prepare for a move if they dont.</p>
<p>The third option is to take a leave of absence and travel or work for a year. I live in one of those weird and wonderful countries (which is why I was reading that culture shock article in the first place) and totally agree with Mini that intensive exposure to how the rest of the world lives is an invaluable experience for a young person. Joining an organized, established group is sometimes the only practical way to gain access to difficult countries. </p>
<p>Which of the above is right for your son, I couldnt begin to say. Small, isolated LACs are definitely not for everyone. My son goes to one and he thinks he has died and gone to heaven. Friends of his in similar situations have bailed out fast.</p>
<p>Most transfer applications are due in the Spring (I think) so you do have time to work through the options. Im sure your son could use a non-emotional, non-judgmental discussion and a few hugs to help him figure out whether this is just restlessness or normal post-honeymoon nitpicking, or if hes really in the wrong place. You sound like you know him very well and have a good sense of how to approach him. Good luck and let us know what happens.</p>
<p>Freshman year my D suffered incredible culture shock coming from SoCal attending an IVY. All she talked about was transfering to the popular LAC in her home town. All her high school friends "loved" their local schools and she felt like she was missing out. But once January rolled around and she found "her group" she settled in. I think it's a hard adjustment for some kids. Hopefully once Spring hits, your S will settle in and find his place at school. I know I am definately not going to worry as much with the second child next year...I know it will take some time for him to adjust to college life and find "his group" but he will survive! And so will I!</p>
<p>LilSal, my freshman daughter has been dealing with some similar issues at what was the only school she ever considered attending. We told her she had to finish out the year and that she was responsible for researching and submitting transfer applications. I, also, gave her a chart that she could use to answer questions for her self. Essentially, start with answering the "Big" questions. Do I want a BFA in visual arts? If your son is at a small LAC, then he can begin with the next set of questions. What do I like about my major vs. what do I disklike. List the answers on a piece of paper where they line up to each other. Do the same thing for the College, itself, the location of the college, and the students. Then do a list that is "taking into account the lists I have just completed, what can I do to improve my situation for the spring semester. I am not certain that my daughter has actually completed every facet of this chart; but I know she has decided to stay at the school, stay in the program she is in, stay in the dorm, and has taken significant steps to become more involved in the school and in finding more students that she feels are "like" her. Sometimes writing things down and reading them help bring ones thoughts into greater clarity.</p>
<p>Second mini and momrath on the Third World service stints. </p>
<p>My S1 did a six week volunteer project in Tanzania with a group of 20 students from the UK. The group ranged from age 17 (my son) to 28 (a microbiologist Phd on leave with her partner). There were a few upper class students but the majority were self-starters from middle class backgrounds travelling on funds they had raised themselves. 17 out of 20 were girls--and i believe that is standard.</p>
<p>A few of the students (3 girls) stopped in here on their way around the world. I'd take any one of them for a daughter-in-law because none of them were the proverbial 'Hothouse Flower' that has to have everything just so! These girls were funny, adventurous, non-plussed and easily entertained. A delight!</p>
<p>Is it inappropriate to ask here whether your S is one of the spoiled or rich or white kids to whom he is objecting at the school he attends? Does he fit in any of these categories or is he a fish out of water? If the latter, then it would be no surprise that he might be seeking an exit strategy from what he might find to be an unfamiliar and frightening "peer" group.</p>
<p>If it was your assumption that he would feel at home where he is attending, my read on the situation is that something is eating at him, and my guess would be that it's eating from the inside out rather than from the outside in.</p>
<p>LilSal: in case you're still looking for ideas, here are a couple.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Cheers may be right in that your S hasn't yet found "his people". Most schools nowadays aren't so homogeneous as to be composed only of "spoiled rich white kids" or the like. But he may not yet have found a different type of group where he would feel more comfortable.<br>
Perhaps (of course, perhaps not) he'd be willing to talk about that.</p></li>
<li><p>He could try doing some things that the other kids don't do to connect with other types of people. Serious community service off-campus might be one</p></li>
<li><p>Don't know anything about these overseas service programs, but recently saw something else along those lines. There is an organization - but I forget its name - that runs study abroad programs in underdeveloped and developing countries in which the student studies at the major university of that country, in a program that includes components specific to that country or region (history, economics, language, etc.) and spends some time in rural areas of that country. Perhaps someone else remembers the name. That could be something to shoot for without straining the budget with extra expenses.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Here's a good example of what you describe (and there are others):</p>
<p><a href="http://www.ihp.edu/%5B/url%5D">http://www.ihp.edu/</a></p>
<p>Again thanks for all your suggestions and - most of all - for taking the time to listen to a fretful parent. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, DS does not want my help or advice, except when he infrequently gets totally overwhelmed. Despite my spouse and I making it very clear we are available to be sounding boards, help sort things out, etc., DS has made it equally clear that he doesn't want us particularly involved at this point. I read this as his wanting to make his own decision without feeling at all swayed by anything we might advertently or inadvertently say. I do feel - like many of you have pointed out - that he is grappling with both issues inside of himself (homesickness, reality vs. fantasy, etc.) as well as issues germane to the school (size, location, etc.). It's good to hear that student travel programs may be a good way for him to grow. It's very hard to know what he will decide; at this point, he seems to be very carefully riding the fence and guarding his options between staying where he is or doing an international program followed by another school. I must say that, now that he is back at school, it is easier for me to let go some.</p>