<p>Usually the bad roommate thing happens Freshman year when two people that are not a good fit get put together randomly. I am surprised your D ended up hand picked a roommate with serious issues after her Junior year. </p>
<p>Has she talked to past roommates for some insight? Is this a pattern or new behavior this year? I think it would be wise to get the other parents involved. Your D should contact them and not complain, but say she is very concerned about their daughters mental health and see what kind of response she gets and go from there. Perhaps she’ll get a “oh no, it’s happening again” response and not denial.</p>
<p>She should also lay down the law with the roommate and tell her the police will be called next time she physically or verbally attacks her. She should also set up a quick voice recorder app on her smart phone that she could secretly activate when the roommate starts going psycho . If it becomes she says / she says, she will have audio proof of what went on.</p>
<p>I also agree with intparent and jym…she should tell the roommate that if that ever happens again (shoving particularly) she will call the police. I also agree that the OP should tell the D to leave immediately if the roommate seems to be totally out of control. If they have been friends for several years, perhaps your D can talk to the roommate (when the roommate is calm) and suggest that she talk to a counselor but that would depend on how close as friends they are and if your D thinks the roommate might be receptive when calm.</p>
<p>If they are good friends she shold let the rooommate know that her behavior is worrysome and frightening to her, and that she will find a place temporarily to stay elsewhere until she (roommie) can get a handle on the issues.</p>
<p>If it is a small school and thd roommate is in her dept, perhaps yor dau can talk ingeneralities to her advisor and seek some assistance.</p>
<p>My university had limited housing, and for my final year, I didn’t receive a dorm assignment though I applied for a room. I found a room in an apartment rented by another student who I didn’t know. For awhile, it was ok, though my roommate had an older odd boyfriend who slept every night at our apartment though he lived elsewhere. He ate my food, clogged our shower for me to unplug, and roamed silently through our common living quarters, but I didn’t complain. Then five months into my occupancy, my roommate broke up with her boyfriend, and he refused to accept it. He still came every night, let himself in with his key, wept in our livingroon, and behaved in an unbalanced manner. My roommate wasn’t responding in a pro-active manner, and I was scared. After about two weeks of this nightly “enter and cry” mode, I went to university housing office and explained situation. That day I received keys to a single-room, and permission to move-in mid-term.</p>
<p>I went back to the apartment, told my roommate I was moving out immediately, and that she could keep my deposit. I called my friends, loaded my car and moved out that day.</p>
<p>I’d suggest your daughter do same, ASAP, and move out.</p>
<p>^^^ The above advice from higgins2013 is EXCELLENT!</p>
<p>I also absolutely disagree with the above posters who have urged that the OP’s daughter should avoid calling the police or should “wait until the next time something happens” to call the police.</p>
<p>The OP’s daughter was assaulted. She MUST file a police report. TODAY!</p>
<p>If the assailant were a total stranger, then my advice might be different. But in this case, they’re going to be in continuing contact, and the roommate poses a real threat of harm to the OP’s daughter. You’re talking about:</p>
<p>(1) getting a restraining order
(2) asking the college to intervene because of the danger posed by the roommate; and
(3) sorting out the legal & financial issues regarding the termination of their joint living arrangement.</p>
<p>For any of this to happen, there needs to be a record of the assault. If the OP’s daughter is planning to say that the roommate is dangerous enough that she needs to terminate their lease, how credible is she going to look if she says, “well, yes, she assaulted me, but I didn’t think it was serious enough to report to the police?” There has to be a record of what happened.</p>
<p>Yes, a police report might make things difficult for the roommate. I’m sorry, but that can’t be the OP’s (or the OP’s daughter’s) first concern. Right now the issue is protecting the OP’s daughter.</p>
<p>And given the potential that confidentiality issues will prevent the college from notifying the parents, the OP should probably do that . . . after the police report is filed.</p>
<p>I feel so bad for your D that this is happening especially around finals. I really do think that either your D or you should contact this girls family. The roommate is clearly having mental issues. I also think your D should seek the help of the health center on campus. </p>
<p>And for her safety I think she should stay with a friend for a few days…</p>
<p>I hope this all works out peacefully for your D. I can’t imagine how scared you all must have been last night.</p>
<p>We’ve had threads like this in the past, which ended up essentially an online lynching. Certainly the daughter needs to take care of herself, but the roommate needs help and kindness from someone, not handcuffs. (It doesn’t have to be help and kindness from the daughter, obviously.) If this is a brain-based psychiatric disorder, involving psychosis, it is an illness, not a character defect.</p>
<p>Tell her to find a friend that will allow her to stay these last two weeks before Xmas break.
Tell her to pack up her expensive stuff and take with her. Call a cab if need be.
Have her file a police report. Have her tell the college what has transpired.</p>
<p>Enlist the college in helping to find a new place to live.
Move completely out when roommate is gone over break.</p>
<p>Most kids this age downplay stuff. </p>
<p>This is not the time for that.</p>
<p>Deal with the apt issue after all this is complete.</p>
<p>I agree with compmom. I have a dear friend with severe mental health issues and even ON her meds, if they stop working right, she can have episodes that are completely unlike her stable personality. When this happens, she needs MEDICAL CARE, not jail. It’s scary, because there are stories about mentally ill people getting killed by police who don’t understand the problem ALL the time. Most recently it was an older man who lived near my house who thought the POLICE were the intruders and threatened them. He’s dead now.</p>
<p>I would start-mom or D, it doesn’t matter, with calling the parents of this girl. Make it clear to them that they need to come NOW and get her help. If they blow you off, THEN call someone at the school. Make it clear that this girl is not acting normally, that it isn’t just violence, but the pacing, talking to herself is NOT TYPICAL for her and that she needs HELP. If this were my D, I would move heaven and earth to get to her and get her into care-don’t we have a thread in the Cafe about this exact problem? How is this girl’s situation different?</p>
<p>And of course, the D should find someplace safe to stay for now. I’m just not in the camp of throw the book at this girl and let the chips fall. She needs care and compassion. I’m guessing those in that camp do not have mental illness in their family or among friends.</p>
<p>It seems clear that this young woman has been harming herself, with the wild behavior swings and bingeing and purging. Now it has escalated to the point that she has assaulted your D, and it can no longer be ignored.</p>
<p>To me, two things are paramount: your D needs to be safe, and someone who is in a position to get help for the other young woman needs to be informed. It is probably unfortunate that she didn’t call the police when it was happening, because if the roommate was out of control they might have taken her into custody right then and might have taken her to the hospital for evaluation. It is not easy for them to justify taking this step–as I know from experience with a mentally-ill friend --and it is possible that the assault would have given them grounds. I don’t know whether it makes sense to report it now…maybe it does, because it is an indication of the seriousness of the situation.</p>
<p>There should be no “waiting for next time.” Next time this young woman might seriously harm or even kill herself or your D or both. I think that your D needs to inform the university authorities AND the parents of her roommate. I cannot imagine the anguish of parents who find out after the fact of a suicide or other serious outcome that their D was descending into mental illness and NO ONE TOLD THEM!! If the parents don’t believe her or are hostile, so be it. She will have done her duty. She will not have to see or communicate with them any further.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you go over what to say with your D. I think it is important that she be very straightforward, very factual–no speculation, just what she has observed, which according to what you have told us is plenty-- and neither exaggerate nor soft-pedal any descriptions of behaviors. She needs to make it clear that in her opinion this person is a danger to herself and others. </p>
<p>And your D needs to get out. Right away, at least temporarily. Pack a bag or two, take what she needs for classes, and move into a hotel or a friend’s place, if there is one. From that distance, she can deal with the roommate if need be.</p>
<p>I do have friends and family with mental illness. However, I still think a police report needs to be filed. A police report does not mean that the young lady in question will go to jail, or be prosecuted for anything. It does mean that the OPs daughter has documentation that she has had a problem with this person and that this person has a propensity for violence. If the OPs daughter hopes to enlist the help of the university in getting this young lady treatment she will need to prove that the roomie is a threat to others. Without documentation it is just the OPs word against nothing at all.</p>
<p>I do think that the OPs D should call the roomies parents and tell them what happened. But she needs the police report for her own documentation (not to send the young lady to jail). Another thing that you have to realize is that many times the family of mental illness know that their family member has a problem. Unless there is some imminent issue to deal with they often sweep it under the rug. A police report, or action by the university may act as a call to action for the family.</p>
<p>Lastly, the OP is concerned first and foremost with her D not with the roomie.</p>
<p>You’d be wrong about that in my case. However, it’s precisely because I’ve had past acquaintances and friends who acted out violently like the OP’s roommate…sometimes to the point of sending close friends to the hospital that I’m of the opinion that the police and the mental health staff of the college needs to be notified of this pronto. </p>
<p>Once someone violently assaults another, the one being assaulted should not be expected to be the one to self-sacrifice his/her own safety because the cause may have been mental illness. </p>
<p>In terms of prioritization, the safety of the victim being assaulted comes first…especially considering how injuries from violent assaults could easily escalate to hospitalization and worse.</p>
<p>Also, am not a big fan of notifying parents first in such cases due to danger, urgency, and as I’ve heard and witnessed far too many instances of parental denial or even attempting to twist the blame around onto the victim from my days as a K-12 student onwards.</p>
<p>I find it interesting that in the other thread, the Op with the mentally ill D is getting nothing but sympathy and attagirl’s from the other posters. I get that here the OP is on the flip side, but if she was the roommate’s mother, would everyone be so quick to have bring in the police and let the chips fall, and blame the parents (who we know nothing about) for (MAYBEB) denying a problem, blaming the victim, etc.</p>
<p>I think the D should get out, period. But I also think that at bare minimum that the roommate’s parents should be called, and whether or not they are in denial is their problem. They should still know.</p>
<p>The critical difference was the OP’s D was violently assaulted. Once that happens, the first concern should be the victim’s safety. </p>
<p>Moreover, I never said the parents should not be notified. Only that the notification shouldn’t come first. Instead, it should come after the college mental health staff and the police are notified due to urgency, danger, and there’s a relatively objective third party assessment to head off possible attempts at parental denial/blaming the victim.</p>
<p>I’d bet that health services can’t do squat. They have zero authority to act based on a roomie’s complaints.</p>
<p>Instead, report it to the the campus police who can file a report and, if they believe necessary, based on their professional experience, ask health services/residential dean to look into it.</p>
<p>(In many colleges, campus police also have some jurisdiction over students living off campus.)</p>
<p>Not sure how much good that’ll do considering this is taking place in an off-campus apartment where campus police may not have jurisdiction. There’s also the possibility they may be incentivized by the college interest in keeping crime stats low and thus, trying to downplay/sweep the incident under the rug.</p>
<p>I guess I live in a different world. The stories I seen here involve the parents desperately trying to get help for their adult children or adult kids trying to get help for their parents and the police and society blaming the ill person, and/or that person ending up dead. </p>
<p>Sure, there are cases where they get the help they need, but I’m not seeing a rash of family members shrugging it off and figuring the ill person will “get over it”. </p>
<p>The D here I suppose has no obligation to do anything but get safe. But I hope that she, or her parents, call the roomie’s parents and tell them what’s going on and that the roomie gets the help she needs rather than ending up with a criminal record. Living a productive life as a mentally ill person is hard enough without a criminal record.</p>
<p>sseamom, I see far more of the desperately-trying-to-get-help stories, also. Although I do have a friend whose ex’s family determinedly closed their eyes to his long term issues, and blamed her when she eventually divorced him, and blamed her again when he later committed suicide immediately after a very short hospital stay. (The usual story: he didn’t want to stay, there were not sufficient grounds to hold him against his will, with a predictably sad ending.) I think that, after another suicide in the family, they finally realized that everything was not her fault. But it took two deaths. Just horrible.</p>