<p>Nobody said anything here about prosecuting the roommate. All we’re talking about at this point is filing a police report. I can understand your concern that the police might bungle things and incarcerate the roommate rather than arranging to have her hospitalized. Clearly, that happens. But that cannot be the OP’s (or the OP’s daughter’s) concern. The daughter needs, first and foremost, to protect herself from the roommate. And that means filing a police report to make a record of what happened.</p>
<p>I’m sorry if I seem unsympathetic. But, frankly, trying to handle the situation more carefully (through communications with the roommate’s parents, for example) could well result in the roommate not getting the help she needs in what appears to be a crisis situation. Yes, reporting to the authorities could end up making a mess of things, but it could also get the roommate life-saving medical attention.</p>
<p>Not reporting puts both the OP’s daughter and the roommate at risk.</p>
<p>They aren’t going to incarcerate the roommate. It is very challenging to prove these things.</p>
<p>The point is that the school will not take her seriously unless she has the police report. Also, with a police report, it is likely she can move out without being on the hook for the rent. </p>
<p>Perhaps you missed the sentence, which immediately followed. At my D’s college the campus police have full policing authority over students who live off-campus, even in private residences. </p>
<p>And yes, every town-gown jurisdiction is different.</p>
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<p>Sure, but at least a complaint has been filed and is on record. But the advantage of the campus police is that they know the Dean of Students personally. They know the director of the health services personally. The city police know the DA.</p>
<p>Sorry - I have been away from a computer. Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful responses. As a few have said, I did not be the one to report the roomie-my D is 22 and really needs to be the one to handle this. However, I think she was at a loss as to what to do- she really did not want to get authorities involved as she is a friend of this girl and is worried about her. Fortunately, roomie called her parents last night and apparently they could tell something was wrong. Roomie’s Dad called my D today and is flying in tonight. He wants to talk to my D before he sees his daughter and find out what’s going on. They knew she was having issues but didn’t know how bad it was. Glad to see she will get help and D is very relieved. D is very busy today so is on campus all day anyway- she is just staying away from roomie til the Dad arrives. Thanks for all of your suggestions- hopefully this girl gets the help she needs!</p>
<p>Please make sure you dd doesn’t try to spare the dad’s feelings. She needs to be candid. This is especially important should she ever decide to go to police. Be consistent.</p>
<p>That is great to hear that the parents are being proactive and are willing to listen to your D. I think your D showed compassion and good sense.</p>
<p>It sounds like a sad, scary situation that is going to get clarified and we can hope, fixed. I think I’d advise the daughter to investigate breaking the lease - and even discuss that with the RM and her father as this doesn’t sound like a reasonable living situation to continue with. Maybe she can convince her to move elsewhere and either pay her rent, or give D time to find a new roommate. </p>
<p>I had a roommate for a summer field study program who really messed me up, because she was lying to everyone we knew about me, and lying to me too of course. She claimed to have multiple personality disorder, and perhaps she did, however she told my academic advisor and everyone that I was being really abusive to her and that she thought I had mental health problems (projection) while begging me to keep her secret (which I did - being over protective of her since she acted very dependent). Long story short… I almost got kicked out my program and no one would believe me because she was so convincing in her complaints. I found other supporters outside the department and continued to do fine academically… 2 years later, she snapped and did similar things to a few of them including the Advisor, and they came back to me with HUGE apologies… which was somewhat vindicating, but it was traumatic and very hurtful. I guess I’m sharing this story as a warning that being enmeshed (out of loyalty or protectiveness) with someone who is really having severe mental health issues can be dangerous. I recommend distance - the sooner the better.</p>
<p>Great news. I agree that it is important that your D be very clear with the father regarding what has been going on with his daughter. I tend to agree with kathieh1 that not living with this person right now would be a good idea. Who knows how long it will take for her to stabilize, and in the meantime she seems to have developed some excessively strong feelings regarding your D.</p>
<p>Keeping distance with those with mental health issues is also recommended if one’s ill-equipped due to personality inclinations or being too drained emotionally. </p>
<p>I speak from firsthand experience as an ENTJ* and someone who’s admittedly not the best when it comes to emotional counseling. The latter’s a reason why I make it a point to refer friends who need emotional counseling to friends better equipped personality-wise and suitable while I help with other tasks(i.e. Dealing with taxes, landlords, bill paying, computer issues, etc). </p>
<p>It’s also better if the person undergoing emotional difficulties or mental health issues has a reliable trustworthy team of family and friends not only so there’s more support, but also to ensure individuals aren’t overwhelmed or even negatively slandered and isolated from mutual friends/support as you’ve been unfortunate to experience.</p>
<p>I hope your academic advisor/department has made amends beyond mere verbal apologies for their hurtful actions as a result of believing your roommate. </p>
<p>I’m sorry you had to go through that. You have my sympathies. </p>
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<li>More inclined to live in the world of rationality, logic, and order…something which can be difficulty when dealing with someone undergoing emotional or mental health issues.</li>
</ul>
<p>OP: please remind your DD that it’s not her job to monitor her roommate and/or report to roommate’s parents. I find it odd that roomie’s dad wants to “talk beforehand”, rather than simply seeing his daughter and assessing issue. Not a good situation for your daughter. In this instance, your daughter (and you) need to do what’s best for YOUR DAUGHTER. An attack is a big problem, and not likely a single episode.</p>
<p>Let’s offer an alternate scenario of roomie’s dad’s mission in seeing your daughter: damage control. I remember how polite and intimidated I could be in my 20s if an older adult attempted to steer me or demand something from me. Your daughter isn’t relevant to his daughter’s problems, unless he’s worried that your daughter will call the police, or otherwise report her. I’d tell my daughter not to meet with the father, and go to housing office and/or dean’s office before I’d have further discussions with either daughter and/or father.</p>
<p>Wow, this is so timely. We just had a similar incident with S’s roommate this weekend. S called because the roommate was out of control, being abusive and breaking stuff in their apartment, hurting himself in the process. S didn’t know what to do, so he just left the apartment to protect himself. We both had mixed feelings because S didn’t want to escalate it and get the roommate in trouble but he was also worried about himself and his roommate’s health. I advised him to talk to the RA type person who was roomie’s friend. Fortunately for S, before he could deal with it, by the time he returned to his room others had intervened, security came and roomie was sent to the hospital.</p>
<p>It’s an awful time because its finals, and I think the stress puts some kids over the edge. Also, although it would be good for S to be supportive, he has a ridiculous workload that just has to get done. His roommate is likely not returning to school (hasn’t really been doing schoolwork) but S is.</p>
<p>If this is accurate, I agree. I wouldn’t say “if it happens again…” or talk to mental health services or anyone. Police perhaps, but I’d get out ASAP (with my stuff if possible) and sort things out from there.</p>
<p>Edited to add: I see roomie’s dad is involved. Good. But I’d still get out ASAP, unless dad is taking roomie home or having her move on campus or something.</p>
<p>higgins, that’s a pretty cynical view. I don’t find it in the least bit odd that a parent would want to get the roommate’s view of what has been going on with his kid. The parents clearly know that their D probably hasn’t been telling them everything, so they need to find out from someone who has seen it. It also appears that the parents called the OP’s D before they knew anything about the assault, unless their D told them, which seems unlikely.</p>
<p>I don’t think that the OP’s D should get involved with reporting on her roommate or mothering her, which is why I think she should give the father a very clear, cut and dried report and move out. He can take it from there. Not even meeting with the father seems awfully inhumane, to me.</p>
<p>Consolation - Not cynical at all. Roommate’s dad wants to help the roommate . . . and part of helping is damage control. Young adults can easily be intimidated by persons of authority, and it is not unreasonable to expect that if dad discovers his daughter has assaulted the OP’s daughter, he may want to try to minimize the incident, if not cover it up entirely.</p>
<p>I would suggest, if possible, that the OP’s daughter meet with the dad with another adult present, so the potential for intimidation is diminished.</p>
<p>I would agree with Consolation. It sounds like the Dad is trying to help his D, and that would include hearing from OP’s daughter regarding the behavior. It’s quite likely that this roommate has a dx of Bipolar disorder already, and that Dad could sense that she’s behaving as though she’s off meds or that meds need adjusting. I would be surprised if it turns out there is no past history. The fact that Dad called gives me this clue. If there is a mental illness, and this is the first time she has “acted out” then this Dad is quite astute. It usually takes the unsuspecting family weeks or months or years to see it–it often looks like a drug-using rant, or just being a dis-respectful jerk, selfishness, or plain old bad behavior. </p>
<p>It is very kind of the OP’s D to speak with the father, timelines would be helpful, such as when she first noticed the unusual behavior, and factual info regarding what was observed. Unless the roommate is moving out immediately, I agree with the need for the OP’s D to get out of that housing situation right away. She does not need the burden of monitoring or care-taking the roommate. She’s there to get a degree, and living with a potentially mentally ill, aggressive,out of control person, is not useful.</p>
<p>Regarding the police, sometimes an encounter with law enforcement is just what is needed to jolt the ill person into realizing that he/she needs to accept help. You see it happen with DUI’s all the time. The alcoholic convinces himself he’s fine, right up until he’s booked. After that, he agrees to get help. In this case, since Dad is coming to get a handle on the situation, hopefully police involvement won’t be needed.</p>
<p>I really don’t think Dad is showing up just for damage control or to intimidate.</p>
<p>Best wishes to all. These are not easy issues.</p>
<p>I gather that the OP’s D knows her roommate’s family, at least a little? In any case, unless there’s clear reason to believe the father might “intimidate” the OP’s daughter, I don’t see the need for another adult to be present for the conversation or any reason to think the father’s desire to talk to the OP’s D is motivated by anything but concern and a desire to know what is going on. In any case, insofar as she is 22 years old, I hope the young woman can figure out for herself if the guy is hinky and act accordingly. </p>
<p>I experienced something similar many years ago when a close friend and former roommate’s behavior was becoming increasingly erratic, dangerous and felonious (drugs, lots of them, were involved). I was older than the OP (late 20s), and my friend’s behavior wasn’t directly affecting me anymore. But I cared about her and I was terrified. I didn’t think twice about calling her dad the night I learned she had broken into and vandalized a former boyfriend’s house. Within a half-hour of calling the dad, I got a call from my friend threatening all sorts of retaliation. The next day—one of the longest of my life—the dad, a couple of other friends and I descended on my former roommate and dragged her to a treatment facility for an intervention. That was more than 20 years ago. We’re still friends. It didn’t take long for her to get better enough to thank us for what we did.</p>
<p>It is very appropriate for the Dad to talk to the original poster’s daughter, for information-gathering. If his own child is in the midst of an episode, she is not likely to be a good source. And the Dad can use the information to get his daughter into a hospital.</p>
<p>Downtothelast1, you sound like a great parent and it sounds like you have raised a great daughter too. Glad it seems that some sort of resolution is on its way.</p>
<p>Jeez, I looked at it the exact opposite way. Roomie’s dad is rational. OP’s daughter is rational. He wants her rational perspective on what has been going on and what she has observed. I imagine damage control is the very last thing on his mind, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he took his daughter back when he leaves.</p>
<p>When I was in college a friend took an overdose of pills. I drove her to the hospital and called her parents 1500 miles away. They were VERY grateful to hear about all the things that had been going on that their daughter had kept from them. Clearly, she was in no condition to describe everything in a reasonable way.</p>