Essay 2 revised

<p>As some of you may know, I posted a essay a while back: here is the revised essay..</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=140763%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=140763&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>“…I want you to be better then me; if you are not and become just like me, or worse, I have failed…”</p>

<p>It is a goal, a principal, an ideal that, a piece of advice that until recently, never really understood. As I graduated from high school, completed an internship and when into college, this statement continued to follow me playing an increasing role in influencing my behavior—my choices. </p>

<p>My high school experience and mindset can be described as a typical for a student planning to attend college: take relatively rigorous courses, do well in those classes and participate in extracurricular activates. I did find many activities that interested me and completed them in their entirety— never leaving before the job was done. While I did perform many of these activities attentively, I never really understood the significance nor take the utmost pride in them. My mindset and central goal was misplaced as I ignored that critical piece of advice.</p>

<p>Interesting changes in prospective and attitude begun to occur when I graduated from high school and went on to became a college sophomore. My overall optimism, ethic, unrelenting persistence and analytical mindset remained unchanged—my foundational goal did. What triggered this revision, whether it be my independence being far away from home, my self scrutiny, classes I took, conversations with others, observations of my environment and those around me, I do not know. What I do know are the effects: faith has played a more significant role (even though I would never admit that to my parents), participating in activities that I regard with sincerity and influencing one of the most significant decision I have made, of which I am most proud of.</p>

<p>I am not a top student, the fastest thinker, a stellar athlete, a musical prodigy, nor the most gregarious; what I lack in those, I make up in relentless persistence, progressive improvement and self review/criticism. With each progressive year, I have always uped up the “ante” in regards to difficulties and in goals in order to remedy my faults. The duty and I service I will perform in the upcoming months and years, I hope, will make me a better a better adult, a better Catholic, a better American.</p>

<p>“No! I don’t care what you do with your life or how much money you make: I want you to be better man then me; if you not, I have failed as a father.” My father told me this when I was about 9 around the dinner table. I was rather stunned at that severe reply when I told my dad that I wanted to “just be like him”. It has been nearly 9 years since he said that, yet I still remember it to this day. It is an unfortunate thing sons tend to downplay the influence their father plays in their life or how they shape their expectations: I am no exception. Irregardless of what I say or do not say publicly or privately, what he told me that day has carried itself along with me playing a large role in the decisions that I make.</p>

<p>As previous experiences in classroom performance, comparisons in achievement between myself and peers, performance in standardized tests and in the outcomes in the application process, I may improve, but may never be successful to the absolute level to my satisfaction: it is unquestionable; however, that I will be diligent and unflinching in the pursuit and eventual outcome in being the man of what my father expects— of what I expect.</p>

<p>I think I read this one before...is this an optional essay explaining your shortfall or something? What is the essay question? Assuming this isn't an essay explaing your shortcomings, I would just scrap the whole thing. This time, there are more mechanical errors (and you get a little to --- & : happy). Also, what has proven that you have the committment your essay depicts? If you did have a MIRACULOUS turn-around, then the essay begins to offer SOMETHING, but it is still written without any POW focusing on that inflection point.</p>

<p>The Essay question is: What quote has affected your life the most.</p>

<p>You did read this essay. If you click the link, I believe you recommended that I foucus on the positive, not the negative; futher indicating that my last essay would result in rejection. Instead of noting some of the activities that I did not participate diligently, I mentioned the ones that I did. </p>

<p>So what do you want? Me to focus on how much I suck or what I am good at?</p>

<p>You ask what has proven my commitment on the essay, I joined the military. This is a fact that the adcoms will know by reviewing supplemental forms. I am not going to engange in a John Kerry stunt of mentioning that in every possible moment. </p>

<p>I am not a steller athlete, but I joined the military. My father expects much of me; I joined the military. My college life has improved my dedication in life; i joined the military. My father told me this when i was 9; I joined the military.</p>

<p>Blue,</p>

<p>I just don't know what to tell you man. The essay just isn't hitting me right. Maybe you should see what others say on here. I just feel like you could still make yourself sound like a stronger candidate. I guess, the best question to ask is, does something in your most current academic record reflect your new found persistence to achieve and care? If so, then you should be ok, if not, the essay will come of as "I haven't cared much in the past, but I promise to as a student at XXX" Top-tier schools will not admit someone because they promise to achieve at their institution, they want to know someone will achieve. Does that help?</p>

<p>Yeah, It does help.. I suppose the fact that you have not seen my supplemental forms would have an affect on your judgement.. I agree, if I wrote this essay and did nothing of significance in college, I would agree.</p>

<p>Good deal. If you've made progress, stick with it, but have an english teacher or friend clean up the mechanics and flow. Good luck!</p>

<p>make sure you change "prospective" to "perspective".... definitely have someone proofread this.</p>

<p>also, perhaps dote less on your relative mediocrity, and concentrate more on your passion and excellence. it's fine to be humble and provide context, but it ends up dominating your essays. look forwards.</p>

<p>Any more pieces of advice.. This essay is being submitted this upcoming tuseday.</p>

<p>Many have recommended that I have a English teacher/ friend help me edit this; due to the personal nature of it and my desire to keep this essay on a need to know basis, I would rather post it here being anonomyous.</p>

<p>I believe I have edited it to some degree using textaaloud software. I have also removed some of the excessive -.:,; and inserted periods and "ands" in there place. If you see something incorrect, let me know.. thx..</p>

<p>“…I want you to be better then me; if you are not and become just like me or worse, I have failed…”</p>

<p>It is a goal, a principal, an ideal that, a piece of advice that until recently, never really understood. As I graduated from high school, completed an internship and when into college, this statement continued to follow me playing an increasing role in influencing my behavior and my choices. </p>

<p>My high school experience and mindset can be described as typical for a student planning to attend college: take relatively rigorous courses, do well in those classes and participate in extracurricular activities. I did find many activities that interested me and completed them in their entirety; I never left before the job was done. While I did perform many of these activities attentively, I never really understood the significance nor take the utmost pride in them. My mindset and central goal was misplaced, as I ignored that critical piece of advice.</p>

<p>Interesting changes in perspective and attitude begun to occur when I graduated from high school and went on to become a college sophomore. My overall optimism, ethic, unrelenting persistence and analytical mindset remained unchanged—my foundational goal did. What triggered this revision, whether it be my independence being far away from home, my self scrutiny, classes I took, conversations with others, observations of my environment and those around me, I do not know. What I do know are the effects: faith has played a more significant role (even though I would never admit that to my parents), participating in activities that I regard with sincerity as well as influencing one of the most significant decision I have made so far; a decision that will test and embolden my commitment, perseverance and dedication. </p>

<p>I am not a top student, the fastest thinker, a stellar athlete, a musical prodigy, nor the most gregarious; what I lack in those, I make up in relentless persistence, progressive improvement and self review/criticism. With each progressive year, I have always uped the “ante” in regards to difficulties in order to progress and ultimately, live up to that goal. The duty and I service I will perform in the upcoming months and years, I hope, will make me a better a better adult, a better Catholic, a better American.</p>

<p>“No! I don’t care what you do with your life or how much money you make: I want you to be better man then me; if you not, I have failed as a father.” My father told me this when I was about 9 around the dinner table. I was rather stunned at that stern reply when I told my dad that I wanted to “just be like him”. It has been nearly 9 years since he said that, yet I still remember it to this day. It is an unfortunate thing sons tend to downplay the influence their father plays in their life or the significance when a dad tells a son “I am proud of you”: I am no exception. Irregardless of what I say or do not say publicly or privately, what he told me that day has carried itself along with me playing a large role in the decisions that I make.</p>

<p>As previous experiences dictate, I may improve, but never be successful to the absolute level to my satisfaction: it is unquestionable; however, that I will be diligent and unflinching in the pursuit and eventual outcome in being the man of what my father expects— of what I expect.</p>