3rd revision College essay

Transfer Students
1

<p>“No! I don’t care what you do with your life or how much money you make: I want you to be better man then me; if you are not, I have failed…”</p>

<p>It is perhaps the most profound statement ever told to me, that until recently, I never really understood. As I graduated from high school, completed an internship, and went to college, this statement continued to follow me playing an increasing role in influencing my behavior and decisions. </p>

<p>My high school experience and mindset can be described as typical for a student planning to attend college: take rigorous courses, do well academically and participate in extracurricular activities. I did find many activities that interested me and completed them in their entirety; I never left before the job was done. While I did participate in many activities during high school, I did not take the utmost pride in them as that comment dwelled in my mind. </p>

<p>Interesting changes in my perspective and attitude began to occur when I became a college sophomore. My optimism, ethic, unrelenting persistence, and analytical mindset remained unchanged; what did change is my foundational goal. Independence has rather strange and unique effects on people. Having to study, work, live on your own and provide the basic necessities for life effects the way one behaves and thinks. The sense of accomplishment of seemingly small insignificant tasks, such as the purchasing and preparing of food, using funds that you earned, is distinctly unique in comparison to the accomplishments during high school. Independence and observations I have made around me has influenced the way faith has played its role in my life, the responsibilities I choose to undertake as well as influencing one of the most significant decisions I have made in my life so far. This decision will help me pay for school independent of my parents, as well as serve the country I love.</p>

<p>“No! I don’t care what you do with your life or how much money you make: I want you to be better man then me; if you are not, I have failed as a father.” My father told me this when I was nine years old, while we were sitting around the dinner table. I was rather stunned at that stern reply I received when I told my dad that I wanted to “just be like him”. It has been nearly 9 years since he said that, yet I still remember it to this day. It is unfortunate that sons at a young age tend to dismiss what their father says or tells them, as I did throughout middle school and onto high school. As I grew old and left home, what I saw occurring amongst my peers and environment furthered my awareness why my father told me this.</p>

<p>Being a college student is the last time where many will have that chance to a “blank slate”. It is an opportunity many see and take advantage of by making significant choices and personal changes; others never see this opportunity, letting it slip by: I am one that will not let this chance go. How one conducts himself/herself during college and the decisions they make follows them throughout their lives by solidifying their personality, as well as setting the tone on where to continue onto. </p>

<p>As my previous experience and expectations dictate, the upcoming years will probably be difficult, and it times, perhaps arduous, as it will test my dedication and perseverance. It is, unquestionable however, that I will be diligent and unflinching in the pursuit and eventual outcome in being the man of what my father expects— of what I expect.</p>

<p>Been working over my break on revising my main essay.. Comments?</p>

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<p>there are def some grammer issues in ur essay, was this proofed by anyone?</p>

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<p>Use anecdotes in the essay. Keep the reader interested (entertain them) because your essay is boring. Do you have any idea how many essays that are just like yours? Everyone talks about how they want to impress their family or some **** like that.</p>

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<p>Proofed by myself and another. Care to give some examples on where I went wrong? I have submitted this already to 2 schools. Ive gone over it many times and can't find much. Looking over it again, I notice a few to many commas that i need to fix, however, nothing glaring.</p>

<p>Trace, I did that once and it was shotdown in a second.. Here is another essay i compiled a while back when the prompt asked "what you think is the most profound invention in the 20th century and how it has affected you"</p>

<p>* In the last fifty years of human history, we have seen a surge in technology and innovation: personal computers, microprocessors, cell phones and rocketry to name a few. With every passing generation, humanity has pushed back the boundaries to what was once perceived as impossible at an exponential rate. In this burst of technological advancement and innovative progress, there is an advancement which has been overlooked and neglected by the invention seeking enthusiast: the Carl’s Junior (or Hardies if East Coast) Six Dollar Burger.</p>

<p>Throughout the plethora of restaurants in the fast food industry, the fast food devotee have been relegated and subjected to substandard hamburgers; these burgers are commonly flaccid, gelatinous, lack overall substance, stoutness and sustenance. Many of these fast food hamburgers are earmarked as giants with substantial volume. Some of the burgers one may find are classified as the “Big Mac” the “1/4 lb Deluxe Double Stack” or the “Big N’ Tasty”; names that can invoke awe and wonder in some. Upon visiting many of these restaurants over the years, I have concluded that these sandwiches are inadequate in virtually everyway a burger should be. It is rather striking that the mere appearance of these burgers can invoke a feeling of disservice to what constitutes the phrase “big burger.” </p>

<p>The Six Dollar Burger, in all its relative simplicity, reverses this depressing stagnation. The Six Dollar Burger overall is superior, satisfying and definitely more appetizing. This trend setting hamburger tops off with ten ingredients, uses charbroiled Angus beef patties and weighs a hefty pound. These characteristics are quite common in many dine in restaurants, however, alien in fast food restaurants. </p>

<p>The effect of the development of the Six Dollar Burger by hamburger engineers in the ever expanding professional burger-making industry cannot be understated. Indeed, it would not be a stretch to argue, in fact, that this landmark development by the burger specialist at Carl Junior’s research facilities and its affects in many professional burger-making establishments could, quite convincingly, be equated to the development of combining ham and burger to classify this edible treat. </p>

<p>Hamburgers in popular dine in restaurants have always had, and will continue to have, high quality sandwiches. The fast food industry, in contrast, has unfortunately lagged behind producing small, substandard burgers, until now. The Six Dollar Burger has broken this trend introducing dine in restaurant quality sandwiches at a fraction of the cost. Popular classy sandwich restaurants, such as Red Robin, charge up to ten dollars for a burger plus fries! This cost does not include the tip, drinks and sales tax depending where one is. That same meal can cost you around six dollars with a hamburger of relative quality. This sandwich, having broken the endless stagnation in hamburger improvement, set a watermark for all those aspiring to be hamburger engineers in the further development of the hamburger. Indeed, we must all hope that Paris Hilton will not ruin what could be seen as a major tipping point in burger development history. *</p>

<p>I am sorry my essay is boring, but I am not going to exagurate or make up bulls*** in order to entertain. Huge shifts did have not occured in my life as of yet: my parrents are not dead, I did not get shot or mugged, I did not save a persons life etc. The point of this essay was to tell the about me; all of it is sincere. If you can provide some examples on how i could make it more interesting other than making up BS, I would be open to that.</p>

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<p>Grammatically incorrect--</p>

<p>"It is perhaps the most profound statement ever told to me"
"this statement continued to follow me, playing..."
"what did change is my foundational goal." (should be 'what did change WAS my foundational goal')
"distinctly unique" repetitive
"Independence and observations I have made around me has" (change to 'Independence and observations I have made have')
"as it will test my dedication and perseverance" (should be "and they will test...)</p>

<p>"I did find many activities that interested me and completed them in their entirety; I never left before the job was done. While I did participate in many activities during high school, I did not take the utmost pride in them as that comment dwelled in my mind." (what job are you talking about? 'that comment dwelled in my mind' is awkard and confusing)</p>

<p>You don't have to make anything up. Start the essay telling the story of sitting around the dinner table when you were nine, tell us why you wanted to be like your father and why he didn't want you to be like him. Talk about why you didn't understand this throughout high school and then move to what made you understand and motivated you to change. Any experience that could relate to a revelation of that nature will make your essay memorable, which it isn't right now. My mother is on the admissions committee for WUSTL's med school, she's read all my essays, and although none of my essays were like this, that is most certainly what she would say, what my college counselor would have said and what I would say were I on an admissions committee. </p>

<p>I'm not trying to be harsh, but my parents didn't die, I didn't save anyones life and I haven't been shot or mugged, but I wrote poigniant, clear and compelling essays about things like crying in the backseat of my family's car at a John Kerry speech and relating the awe I felt at seeing the names of the dead on the wall of Memorial Church at Harvard with my interpretation of the Bahagavad Gita. I know you know all meaningful experience doesn't derive from parental deaths or overt heroicism. </p>

<p>Good luck with the essays</p>

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<p>
[quote]
but I wrote poigniant, clear and compelling essays about things like crying

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<p>Your essays were not that good.</p>

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<p>you read one, and yes they were</p>

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<p>Grammar errors. I see some spelling errors in your second one that you posted. And the wording on some are a bit awkward. You kind of sound like you tried too hard by using big words too. Look at most of your words, they're like huge even though I understand them all it doesn't seem...natural? I don't know how to explain it.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
you read one, and yes they were

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</p>

<p>Cocksure, are we?</p>

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<p>anyways back to helping out the OP:</p>

<p>2 dead words that caught my eye as I glimpsed through the essay probably in the same way an admissions officer would read through hundreds of essays....</p>

<p>1) interesting - this says nothing</p>

<p>2) profound - same thing as interesting(nothing)</p>

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<p>Thanks for the clear examples. Hopefully UVA and Georgetown wont catch those :P... Ill be fixing that for the other schools im applying to.. Thanks for your help..</p>

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<p>My writing, in general, does sound awkward and unnatural. I blame the writing class I took at BU: it was a requirement that you use "big words" and all forms of punctuation; if you didn't, you had points taken away.</p>

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<p>bump..........</p>

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<p>No more comments.. I guess its settled then?</p>

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<p>well you're not in that writing class at BU anymore... pick up a newspaper and read a column. look at how clearly and precise newspaper columnists write. </p>

<p>if you know your writing sounds "awkward and unnatural" then why don't you try to fix that? that's like someone saying how they use curse words constantly when they talk, because that's how they were taught to speak and they are helpless to change it. Blue cheeze man, just try to make your essay not put people to sleep by the 4th line.</p>

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<p>ok...this is the first line so you should fix it:
"....a better man THEN me"
should be
"...a better man THAN me"</p>

<p>Then is used in a sentance like "I picked up my sister THEN I went home". In the sentance you have it should be "better THAN" You might want to change it because its bad to have an error right at the begininng. It's the first thing I saw when I read your paper and you really don't want that to be the first impression the adcom gets.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
well you're not in that writing class at BU anymore... pick up a newspaper and read a column. look at how clearly and precise newspaper columnists write. </p>

<p>if you know your writing sounds "awkward and unnatural" then why don't you try to fix that? that's like someone saying how they use curse words constantly when they talk, because that's how they were taught to speak and they are helpless to change it. Blue cheeze man, just try to make your essay not put people to sleep by the 4th line.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Did it make you fall asleep?</p>

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<p>
[quote]

Quote:
well you're not in that writing class at BU anymore... pick up a newspaper and read a column. look at how clearly and precise newspaper columnists write.</p>

<p>if you know your writing sounds "awkward and unnatural" then why don't you try to fix that? that's like someone saying how they use curse words constantly when they talk, because that's how they were taught to speak and they are helpless to change it. Blue cheeze man, just try to make your essay not put people to sleep by the 4th line.</p>

<p>Did it make you fall asleep?

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</p>

<p>I think you got a thorough critique of your paper and useful criticism(which is a lot better than getting ignored); what more are you looking for?</p>

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<p>It should be "a better man than I," right? Because it's like saying "A better man than I was/am." Precision is underrated...lack of it detracts from what you're trying to say. And it should definitely be "than I (or me, or whatever)," not "then." You want to demonstrate an elementary understanding of grammar.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
It should be "a better man than I," right? Because it's like saying "A better man than I was/am." Precision is underrated...lack of it detracts from what you're trying to say. And it should definitely be "than I (or me, or whatever)," not "then." You want to demonstrate an elementary understanding of grammar.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That is absolutely correct. (I am not being sarcastic)</p>