Essay Critique, please

<p>A little backstory:</p>

<p>Total US reject here (well, CMU waitlisted me...), thankfully I did IGCSE/IB (thus why my SAT fails...) and applied to UK universities through UCAS. Got an offer from Imperial College, which is good I guess.</p>

<p>Well, when I was applying to the US, I looked at my rather lackluster SAT score (1970 super'd, 590 Writing UGH! UK system doesn't really emphasize on grammar so I didn't do too well in this :/ ) and my college choices, which were pretty high (as Imperial already gave me an offer, so naturally I aimed higher in the US). So I got most of the forms done, then came to that same old, dreaded topic: college essays. I naturally whipped up google, usnews, the same old stuff, and did my research.</p>

<p>What I found out was quite annoying. I mean, every single website offers the same tried and true advice over and over again, and I thought, "aren't admissions officers just absolutely bored of this same old crap over and over again?" </p>

<p>So I set out to write the cheekiest, most smart-assed yet brutally honest essay ever. Was wondering if you could critique it, just to find out why I got rejected. </p>

<p>Please leave an email or PM me!</p>

<p>tl;dr version: US reject wants to find out if he was rejected because of his score, or because of his essays.</p>

<p>Samples:</p>

<p>U-Penn "Why do you want us?"
<a href="sic">QUOTE</a></p>

<p>I will also admit that I went to various sources for essay help, most notably the sagacious and omnipotent google.com, my personal deity (besides the Buddha and my mother). What I will not admit to doing, however, was following that advice. “Sell yourself out to them!” “Include all the good information about them to show that you’ve done your research!” “Throw in how impressed you were with the School of Engineering’s productivity, and how such eager motivation will help you conquer your bad habit!”; all ‘sound’ advice given to me. </p>

<p>(sic)
Essentially, it would turn my essay into a clone; a mindless drone identical to the thousands of other essays submitted. If I played my cards right, it would turn out funny, unique and highly entertaining, but after you read thousands of other essays similar to mine, you will probably forget most of its merits. Most of all, it would lack the most important ingredient in life: pure honesty. Admit it; in this highly competitive era, it seems that the more highly embellished sentences you have, the better your resume or application is. And in the end, we ignore the basic fundamental of human society: honesty.</p>

<p>So, the prompt asks, why did you apply to the School of Computer Science? My simple answers would be a) as mentioned; I love Computers and Programming, and would like to pursue my career in this field b) UPenn is an incredibly prestigious university and hugely determined my decision (and this is what, I assure you, many students purposefully do not mention) so, like any other human being, I would like what is best for me (as long as nobody gets hurt, of course) and c) I thought Pennsylvania’s cold weather would be a change from scorching Thailand.</p>

<p>And if you smirked or laughed in reading this document, then I’ve atleast shown you one good contribution I can make to the university.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>EDIT: Re-reading the second-last paragraph, guess I should've changed it there! Oh well...</p>

<p>CMU waitlisted me for this essay though (just changed the words around the bit, since the prompt was identical), so I guess it wasn't a total disaster!</p>

<p>Other things: Stanford's 3 essays. Everyone said they were "hillarious but risky" so yeah...</p>

<p>I think your problem is that the I-reject-this-format-and-am-going-to-spend-my-500-words-explaining-why essay is becoming a cliche itself. It’s a level above the what-lacrosse-taught-me-about-persistence essay, but it’s not original and it can still sounds really contrived, which this does at points.</p>

<p>My advice: lay off the semi-colons and write a bit more like you talk. This essay topic is definitely doable, but personally I’d advise picking something else.</p>

<p>Khaki is right–that format is becoming rather cliche now.</p>

<p>I think you should have tried to focus more on the prompt. In your current essay, only the second to last paragraph is on the prompt. Everything else seems to be about how the typical essay format is boring, and doesn’t touch on the prompt at all (which is what they care about!). I think the ending paragraph is also rather over-the-top—if they laughed, they laughed. They don’t need you to remind them to laugh.</p>

<p>I will give you a once over…could i ask you to return the favor. A warning to you though, my essay is very intensive and rather lengthy.</p>

<p>just pm me…thanx!</p>

<p>It definitely wasn’t a disaster but it carried a cavalier tone. I think if you reworded a few things and made it a bit more conversational then it would elicit more laughs!</p>

<p>Fair enough, that isn’t my whole essay though…I purposefully left some bits out.</p>

<p>would u be willing to read over my essay?</p>