Expectation vs Reality - what are you hearing?

<p>It’s the depth of winter and would love to hear how parents are holding up with their BS experience. My d has been surprisingly unphased by the school work, very distracted by the social aspects, developed bad eating habits (lots of junk food in dorm rooms), and is unbelievably happy! She’s also being stretched at school for the first time. We’ll take the good with the bad.</p>

<p>A tough term for 9th graders and maybe students of other grades as well. Cold, snowy, increasingly demanding work load, and rigorous grading… the only advice I could give to my kid is to know that you are not alone and no efforts you are making will be wasted.</p>

<p>I would say the overall experience is still positive. I think the long winter break at home made the return look kind of bleak. I guess after coming from a place where everyone missed him back to lot’s of work and finals was hard.</p>

<p>We had a few study, roommate, grade related hiccups but he has matured so much that he dealt with everything on his own. Only asking for advice a couple of times from home. He figured out who to go to for help and then asked for and got the help he needed. One thing he did that I still am surprised by was to ask the Dean of Academics for a new adviser. He never connected with his adviser and it was starting to show. The new adviser is someone he really admires, has boy’s of his own and has already contacted his Dad and I more in 2 weeks than the last one did in 4 months!</p>

<p>Still a good experience for us and our S.</p>

<p>Scotland.<br>
Your son is very smart. The right advisor can make all the differance. My d hated her first one who was never around due to other duties. She changed and it made a huge differance to her.</p>

<p>Same here–the overall experience is positive. In the hype of getting into boarding school, we somehow forgot about the fact that it’s still school–filled with challenging homework and daily obligations. While the BS student has more freedom, they have more obligations. </p>

<p>So the reality is that these kids work hard and become tired, too. Each day isn’t a picnic, but the total experience is good for us, too. </p>

<p>Expectation vs Reality: I expected my daughter to “love BS” to the point she would look foward to returning to school after a break or long weekend. The reality is that there is a dread getting back into the workload.</p>

<p>I expected that we would be much more involved as parents. That’s the only disapointing thing. I thought there would be a lot more communication with his advisor and teachers. I feel a litte cut off from him and his experience. I guess I was thinking we would be part of the school “family” He does not encourage visits. We live 2 1/2 hours drive away and have only been to the school on parents weekend and one other time to take him out to lunch. We will be doing that again soon. </p>

<p>I expected my son would have trouble taking care of himself and his belongings. - That has been a pleasant surprise. He is eating very well, much better than when he was at home! He has not lost any of his posessions. The whole laundry thing is going much better than I thought it would. </p>

<p>I expected he would struggle a little with the work load - He has not. He is getting A’s and B’s and seems to have enough free time. He has joined lots of clubs and it sounds like he has plenty of time for fun. </p>

<p>I expected he would be happy at his school - He is. It is the best decision we could have made. The school is a perfect fit. He has grown so much as a result of going to boarding school.</p>

<p>My son’s experience has been great but entering as a juniour has been a challenge. We feel like we have just finished the whole process for getting into prep and now we are starting the whole college process. In hindsight it may have been helpful to go a year earlier so that he could get used to the whole prep system for a year before having to worry about college.</p>

<p>Unintended Consequence of BS: son NEVER wants to be home! This experience has turned him into some kind of academic road warrior. He presented me with 3 back to back summer programs! I agreed to one, for 4 weeks. This leaves him with enough time to complete summer assignments and we’ll go to the islands, as a family, before he returns to school. If he’s bored after being home for more than a week, so be it!</p>

<p>Our son has been there four years, and is now a senior. My wife and I both went to boarding school and our expectations were tempered. The entire first year I questioned the decision, as did our son. My wife stood firm. Academics were wonderful, but his first roommate was a challenge. He insisted he was not homesick, but he missed his friends and previous school. Ultimately, he had a choice of returning to his day school or staying in boarding school. He chose (on his own) to stay. Now three years later, staying was absolutely, positively and unquestionably, they right decision. The academics were somewhat more challenging, he rose to the challenge. He has done well athletically. He has leadership positions. His roots are in the school, and they go deep. </p>

<p>HOWEVER, to the earlier issue… He says going was THE BEST decision he ever made. He wants to go back to school after vacations. He would rather be at school than home. He loves his teachers (almost all). His fellow students are his best and most trusted friends. In hindsight, the education and breadth of experiences exceeds anything he would have had at home. He is intellectually and emotionally very mature. He has become so independent it is almost scary (I miss the boy I had). He took on his college admissions without us. Really, totally without us. Is already in one of the Very top schools and waiting on two others. It was a great decision, it worked for him, it worked for us, but it is not for everyone.</p>

<p>It may be easier for parents who have gone to BS. My husband attended an intensely academic BS (but not the NE prep type) and will be able to give my son some good advice about the jump in expectations and some fair warning about both the good and bad of being in that kind of environment.</p>

<p>My children’s reaction to the rigorous curriculum and volume of work at Choate has surprised me. They were both top students at the same public middle school. One of them has to work really, really hard to produce good grades in all honors classes and is really affected by the stress. The other one seems to be sailing along without a care in the world. The first one has completely forsaken hometown friends lives and breathes the school and school friends: the second one remains very close to the friendship group at home (one state over) and moves seamlessly between the two worlds. They are both much better off than they would have been at the local public high school.</p>

<p>It has been an up and down year. In a triple that was meant to be a double. The lack of space has been difficult. Grades were shaky for a while as my daughter was putting most of her efforts into socializing. Now things have calmed down and she seems to be doing much better. Now we have 3 weeks until the end of the trimester, so I can hear the stress start to build. It has been an interesting year. Still developing.</p>

<p>I sense great optimism from most of you, which is encouraging. I am in an honest “neutral leaning to positive wait and see” mode. S’s experience has been mostly positive but there have been good days and not so good days; and I personally would give the school a B+ based on my limited experience so far considering the fame the school enjoys (thus high expectations from me as a parent.)</p>

<p>first-year parents: </p>

<p>CALM DOWN! The first year of BS (for those that don’t know) is hard. Socially, academically (well - depends on where you go), and in really every aspect. After your first year your body gets used to 6 hours a night, 2+ hours of athletics a day, and no time for work. Your child will become a much more efficient worker (we hope) and time management goes through the roof. So please, please, for your child’s sake - stop worrying. And grades? Please - from first hand experience, your child KNOWS what’s on their report card. Don’t rub it in. We get it. We really really do. </p>

<p>And on the phone - you don’t know what happens once your child hangs up. (rolling of eyes, scream to roommate, tears…) so back off a bit and choose what you say carefully. (Also, long-distance parenting is very hard to get right, so don’t worry if it’s not going perfectly! And if we don’t call, please know that we’re safe and alive - my mother can attest to this). But again, by the second year away what you say no matter effects us… we all do what we want and you should be happy about that! We become much more of an individual. </p>

<p>So please, breathe. And when your child comes home, respect the fact that they were just living by themselves for a few months and have probably developed their own living habits. Yes? Yes. I’m glad you understand.</p>

<p>My son loves boarding school. He has made lots of friends and is awe struck with the quality of the faculty. However, we have a recurring problem each month… He can’t seem to budget his allowance. We’ve talked with his advisor and a few other parents and learned that the amount of his allowance is fair ($125), but he always is broke before the end of month and calls home wanting more money. This month he even got $100 extra from his own savings account and went through that too (he keeps his receipts - $15 eating out with a friend, nearly $70 for 3 polo / t-shirts, and a $15 donation to Haiti earthquake relief). It’s frustrating for both him and us, but we’re holding firm, so when he’s out he’s out. Creating and living within a budget is tough, but it’s a lesson that I hope he will come to understand and master.</p>

<p>My son, who attends one of the HADES schools, has enjoyed his time there so much this first year that I started thinking that his boarding school was more summer camp than boot camp. As a sophomore this year, he was honor roll his first semester and first team varsity this winter season, all without too much struggle. He enjoyed such relative ease, I think, because he is a repeat sophomore, attended a very rigorous private school the past four years, and earned a varsity letter in his winter sport the last two years at his old day school. In sum, he had been riding a stong wave this year ginned up from his past year or so. Well, it looks like the wave has crashed. He told me today that last week was “hell week” in school and that he is worried he may not make varsity in his spring sport. Good. Let the struggles begin and then continue for the next two and one half years. They will build appreciation, character and wisdom.</p>

<p>I enjoy hearing the different perspectives of parents and their experiences with BS. </p>

<p>As the first year goes along, I expected our daughter would get busy and not have time to skype, text, or call. I thought communication would diminish. </p>

<p>The reality is that even though she is busy, she skypes every night–her choice. She enjoys touching base with us to tell us about her day-a funny story, an upcoming event, or to vent. Some days I’ll get a random text or a quick IM on skype. </p>

<p>We appreciate that she makes us a part of her BS experience.</p>

<p>Allowance came up in one of the posts on this thread, if not too nosy what is the normal allowance that a kid should have at a NE Boarding school if you are not rich. Honestly, at home I give my 13 year old about $45 a month. He does not buy any clothes or food with these dollars…The post mentioned $125 as a “fair” amount.</p>

<p>Thanks for any information you care to provide.</p>

<p>Flowers - that’s what we gave our D at home. For BS, my husband occasionally slips a $20 into a letter for her. But we “seeded” her school account with money for books and incidentals to see how she manages her money. Even with books, supplies and activity fees eating up a big chunk of it, she’s been frugal about drawing her allowance. So it’s probably still working out to be about the same on average. The only additional funds we’ve had to advance was spending money for the upcoming European trip so her school account would last until the end of the semester. </p>

<p>It would seem like they’d need less in school, but the “social” aspects of eating in the grill, going to the mall, ordering out chinese, etc. and buying new things for the formal dances has been the major source of her spending - still, it hasn’t been a lot and some weeks she goes without spending anything.</p>

<p>I give my son about 20-25 a week while he’s at school. I’m sure he would be fine with less but as Exie mentioned, there is a social aspect in spending money on take-out, grill, etc.</p>