I’m currently a freshman with nine weeks left in the school year before summer break. I know nine weeks is, practically speaking, not a lot at all, but I dread every single day that I will spend here.
I’ve always been the homesick type, but the anxiety I’m experiencing right now is so much worse than at the beginning of the year, which I think is very strange. I do know the reasons for it though: I have a terrible relationship with my roommate, which makes me hate being in our room, which then leads to me being unable to sleep well at night. I understand this is a strange reason to lose sleep, but it’s a flaw I have that I’m overly aware of these things. I have tried previously to switch my living arrangements, but because of many reasons nothing ever changed.
I really try to spend time outside of the dorm, going out with friends or working extra hard on homework. But no matter what I do, I just feel so lost. I always want to go home every weekend, which is impractical because of the two-hour distance (I try to take the train home when I can, but I feel extremely guilty because my parents want to drive me back to school which totals a four-hour commute for them). It’s very tempting to go home because I have no classes on Friday, so I would spend a good three days at home, but I know I’ll just dread the day when I come back so I don’t know if it’s worth the emotional toll. It also doesn’t make sense because I know I should be spending time here, which wasn’t even a problem the first half of the year.
I just always feel like crying. I talk to my boyfriend about it, which helps some, but I feel bad because I know he hates seeing me like this. I call home a lot more often too, but just as with my boyfriend, I feel guilty for letting my parents know how unhappy I am here. Also, I can’t help but break down when I talk to them and I can’t help but think that that kind of reaction makes it tougher for them.
I know college is about growing up, but no matter what I’ve tried I just want to go home often and see my family. I hate saying this to my parents because they’re worried that I don’t have friends or a place at school. But all the time while I’m here I always feel on-edge. I’m afraid that if this continues, the negativity will carry over into the my future college years.
Anything you think I can do? Should I give in and go home often? Or what can I do here to make my life easier?