Feeling kind of crazy with ED1 buyer's remorse

Parents Forum
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<p>At the risk of sounding crazy (although...if the "shoe fits"), I'm going to put my sleep-deprived thoughts out here to see if anyone has any ideas for me. Some of you have patiently followed the issues regarding my daughter's college issues- (where to apply, lopsided SAT's, Wash U vs. Scripps vs. Pomona), and after a visit to Wash U, she decided not to apply there early. After hearing that two students from her IB program were applying to Scripps RD and both have signficant "tip" factors (URM, Legacy), we asked Scripps to move her app from RD to ED1 even though it was past the deadline. They agreed and we happily settled in to wait for the Dec. 15th decision. </p>

<p>OK, so here's where the trouble starts. My 2 AM ruminations: I've begun to doubt the wisdom of the decision. I think we rushed into ED. I think we may have underestimated her chances at some of schools she may have been competitive for. I think we may have compromised too much. I haven't said a single word to my daughter about this (she doesn't read these boards, fortunately) and she seems content with the decision, although not nail-biting nervous or talking about it much. The only thing she has said is that she kind of aware of feeling like her ego is a bit bruised by not going to a brand name school, but in the next breath, she says she realizes this is silly and that she liked Scripps a lot and thinks she would be happy there. </p>

<p>When my daughter and I talked about rec letters, I mentioned that it sure would have been nice to see what the teachers she asked wrote about her. She said, in passing, that a student in the lit mag club told her that the English teacher (who is the head of the English dept and one of the IB coordinators) told the sophomore class that my daughter was the "best writer the IB program has seen in 10 years" and went on and on about her extended essay on Harry Potter, and her creative writing, college essays, etc. This gave me pause: I hadn't really known how well regarded she was by her teachers, and although she won the HS English Department Award for two years, I minimized what that may have meant. I guess what I'm saying is that I was so focused on the one part of her academic record that was less than stellar (her SAT math score of 610), that I failed to see how good the rest of her academic record and EC's are. I think I also see so many outstanding students on CC and imagine the whole world is full of these world-class academic superstars. After hearing about some of my daughter's friends who have lower GPA's, lower SAT's, not nearly the EC recognition in an specific area of interest, who are applying RD to many more selective schools that she, it leaves me wondering whether I made a mistake in not encouraging her to apply to other schools that I dismissed as out of her reach. </p>

<p>My husband thinks it'll all be "fine" at Scripps and to leave it alone. But he did mention (perhaps because it was late at night and he wanted to go to sleep) that if I was really concerned, maybe I could change her app back to RD. I asked, "But wouldn't that look really bad after we just changed it from RD to ED?" His response: " Probably make you look kind of crazy, but I'm sure colleges have seen it all before."</p>

<p>Fortunately, it's Saturday, and I can't impulsive act on any this. But if any of you have any thoughts on this, please respond. :(</p>

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<p>your frequent use of the word "we" frightens me. A lot.</p>

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<p>Well, certainly they will not have a lot of incentive to gift your DD with merit aid as an ED applicant...</p>

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<p>First, I'm wondering if that English teacher wrote one of her recs. (if she didn't maybe she should write a supplemental one for all her schools if your daughter doesn't get in ED or rescinds her ED application.) Anyway, I think the only thing you might consider is to find a time to reflect with your daughter about HER concerns about not going to "a brand name school", and see where that conversation might lead. If she is having doubts, maybe you could share your thoughts, given the new info about her recommender/teacher, and see what she says. If she is really in love with Scripps (and that should be the only basis for any ED application), then just let it go. But if she's having doubts too, then you can support HER in mulling over the possibility of changing from ED. But, I do think the risk may be that the school will not accept her at all, since she clearly would communicate major doubts about her interest in attending.</p>

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<p>remind us exactly why you chose Scripps.........I personally think you are just nervous and it is always easy to second guess at this point. You don't even know the result of your process yet. Your daughter will be successful at whatever school she ends up with.....Scripps or not. Don't stress until you get the letter and see a big problem w/ your daughter.</p>

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<p>eng-dude, that wasn't a very supportive comment. :(<br>
But despite the insensitive delivery, I think I understand what you were trying to say: that I am over-invested in the decision that is not wholly mine to be invested in.<br>
If I am to be completely honest, you are right. But my investment comes from wanting her to have the best college experience she can have and to guide her as best I can toward that end. I have tended to underestimate my children's abilities which I think may have resulted in less than ideal direction.
Having said that, I think the college decision isn't totally the child's alone to make. As with all the educational decisions thus far (and this being the last- she's on her own for post-graduate study), "we", as a child and her parents, consult and although the final decision rests with my daughter, "we" have significant input and hope to use that wisely.
And I doubt you are a parent.</p>

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<p>I agree with hazmat. Keep the reasons why your daughter decided to apply to Scripps in mind. Scripps is a great school, and she will not be selling herself short in any way if she gets in and attends.</p>

<p>It is very easy to drive yourself (and your child) crazy with those 2 am "What if" worries. Trust me -- I've had my share of too-worried-to-sleep nights myself lately. But the one thing you should not do is compare your daughter's choice to anyone else's choice. Just because you hear of kids with "lesser stats" applying to "name brand" schools, it doesn't mean they will get in. And, even if they do get in, it does not take away from your daughter's accomplishments at all, nor does it mean that Scripps isn't the right school for her and that she won't be very happy and thrive there. </p>

<p>So, again, I agree with Hazmat. Keep your mind focused on why your daughter has chosen Scripps, and be ready to celebrate or console when the decisions come out.</p>

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<p>I think your initial reasons for Scripps made so much sense. Plus, she can take classes at C or P. I second guess myself a lot, so I sympathize with your late night ruminations. I honestly think many schools are good fits. So much depends on who there roommate is, how easily they meet friends, etc.</p>

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<p>
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** I have tended to underestimate my children's abilities which I think may have resulted in less than ideal direction.

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**</p>

<p>One would think that you have had input from the school college counselor and that you daughter also has had input. You seem to know what cohorts are doing regarding application and in part that guided you decision. Your choice to evaluate on the conservative side may have been offset by their erring on the side of benevolence.......her writing skill is not her only skill correct? It does not good for us to tell you to stop worrying but rather to go back and look at your methodology and evaluate again......I'll bet you come to the same conclusion.</p>

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<p>Yes, that English teacher did write her rec letters, but we never saw them. I gently broached the topic with my daughter this morning, and she seemed happy (although not ecstatic) with her decision to apply ED. She did say she felt pressured to apply ED, given her classmates decisions to apply RD, but that it was OK because she liked Scripps the best of all the schools she was considering. The mention of it being a bit ego-bruising came out during that conversation, but she quickly dismissed it, saying she recognized that ego and "brand name" was a silly reason to accept or reject a school.<br>
Why did we choose Scripps in the first place? Because she liked the feel of the school, liked the Claremont Consortium, relatively close to home ( 8 hours car drive away, a short plane flight), students were extremely friendly, and she liked the class she sat in on- she found the students involved, engaged, intelligent,and thoughtful- not just studious. She could see herself fitting in there. I don't think she would be willing to take the risk of losing an offer of acceptance, but if she could switch back to RD without that risk, I think she'd do that now. Yikes, I feel so....ugh.</p>

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<p>Sleep deprived, 2am ruminations are dangerous. I recommend Tylenol PM until the 15th. Your daughter was motivated to go to ED1 and from your report has settled in "happily" to wait. I'd let her wait in her own happily way. </p>

<p>The nice thing about your current perspective is that if she is disappointed in ED, you have lots of new thoughts to encourage her for RD. So your ruminations may be driven by our endless desire to protect them from pain and hardship. But, she chose Scripps (a Great school) and she applied ED and we do have to let them take these steps. And if you dwell too much on the "missed" options you will make yourself crazy and miss her Joy if she gets in!!</p>

<p>I think the ED wait can be (at least it seemed so for me) Much Worse for parents than kids. They are in a backwash of relief that the app is in and done and are focussed on finishing the term. We probably need more homework. Anyway, I think these circumstances call for trusting the universe more than we ever want to. </p>

<p>Hang in there. And maybe find a compelling novel for late night wakefulness.</p>

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<p>Don't switch back........the fact that two other students are applying RD is motivator that your daughter used to choose ED. You don't say whether the two other students are planning to attend if accepted and why they also didn't choose ED. Perhaps you school isn't as familiar with the ED process.....not as popular. I think that as the parent you would do well to understand that many students feel "pressured" to make ANY decision regarding college. I know that even after I got my ED decision.......it took awhile to accept the fact that ALL other schools on my list were has beens. It was hard to commiit.....to have the finality. I don't think this is particularly unusual. I mean think of the adult decisions.......buying a car, you still look around and rethink your decision for a time after you make the purchase.</p>

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<p>Hazmat, Carolyn, Donemom, bookworm, and all- thanks for your support. We did speak with our (sort of useless) school counselor who thought any of the schools under consideration would be fine and that she would likely get into many of them. That was about all she had to say. (She counsels over 500 students). We had a consultation with a private counselor who also said that she thought my daughter would have a good shot at all the schools she was considering, and she thought it would end up as mostly a matter of which ones she liked best. I kind of (perhaps wrongly) dismissed what they said as being overly generous. But of course, you're all correct in pointing out that no decision has been made yet by the college, and I shouldn't assume that she'll even get in. I don't want to generate doubts or regret in my daughter. I guess I'm just wondering, what the risk would be to switch to RD, and although I think my daughter and I would both choose to go RD if that if it didn't entail much risk, I suspect it will raise too many red flags. And even though Scripps isn't the perfect school, it's still her favorite among those she was considering.</p>

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<p>
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it's still her favorite among those she was considering

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</p>

<p>There you go. Done deal.</p>

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<p>Thanks all for the support. It means a lot- I appreciate all of it. Really.</p>

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<p>Three students from her HS ...... it your student's favorite, thus you chose to up the ante by applying ED......stick to it. Be happy when the Fat Envelope arrives. All of your options become real again if that doesn't happen and you will no doubt be feeling less secure. Enjoy these last few days of "waiting".</p>

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<p>If it's any reassurance, I don't believe that the best college for each student is the one that was the hardest to get into. Your daughter isn't necessarily missing out by not applying to a more selective school or to some "reaches." The "right" school is determined by a lot of things.</p>

<p>She'll likely find plenty of challenge and rigor at Scripps, and I'm certain she'll have some classmates with credentials as good as hers--and some even better.</p>

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<p>My daughter has the opportunity to attend an absolutely wonderful school. After much investigation and a week on campus, she is certain that this is truly her dream school. The catch is, it's a DIII school, she is a recruited athlete and her chances of admission are greatly enhanced by EDI. They would be somewhat "iffy" in the RD pool. No problem, really because this is her dream school. She walked off the campus last spring and said, "EDI" and she was done. </p>

<p>Her father and I, OTOH, as happy as we are that she might have found a home (we'll know in a couple of weeks and would be devastated if she didn't get in), still have this nagging regret that we have to smack hard with a fly swatter every time it surfaces. The family is a huge legacy family at another also wonderful university, a very prominent university that has an admit rate somewhere near the single digits. Even with the legacy status, her chances of getting in aren't good. But there is a chance, which would be greatly enhanced by her applying ED there. For her, it was a no-brainer. She loves her chosen school and while she knows it would be terrific to be able to put the other school's sticker on the back of her car, that's not as important to her as maximizing her chances at the other school. Which, by the way, as good and as highly ranked as it is, for one reason or another, generates lots of blank stares around here when she or we mention it to people who ask where she has applied.</p>

<p>In the end, if she gets into her ED school, I guarantee you that the first thing she'll do is order some school sweatshirts and start dreaming about next year. She won't give one second of thought to the legacy school that might have been. I know this because I know her. Only you know your daughter. But we have to separate our own feelings and way of viewing the world from theirs. Despite the name-brand hype from students that we see so much of on this board, the vast majority of kids aren't into that at all and they are the ones, like your daughter and mine, who never, ever look at boards like this.</p>

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<p>Scripps is such a great school. I can virtually guarantee that, unless she is hoping to study a subject they don't offer, she will access to an education as good or better than anywhere else in the country, and I really do mean that literally. The faculty is superb, the advising excellent, the college small and caring, the opportunities expanded by the Consortium, the environment beautiful, the students smart. </p>

<p>Of course, the decision has to be your d's. (but in my judgment, she's made a good one.)</p>

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<p>Everybody thinks their kid is HYP material.Maybe they are overestimating and you are being realistic.Don't give in to what I call "tier" envy.</p>