Feeling sad about college - thoughts of transferring

Student Lounge College Life
1

I am currently a freshman at Washington and Lee University. A disclaimer, before I talk about anything: W&L is a fantastic school and this should not discourage anyone from applying or attending. This is just something with my personal experience.

I am from the Northeast and I kinda had a rough senior year of high school - my grandpa passed away around Thanksgiving and there were some other serious issues within my family and overall there just wasn’t a lot of time to see schools. It seemed like a fair amount of the schools I saw I didn’t even like. With everything that was going on, I feel like my focus wasn’t geared to the college application process as much as it should’ve been. I play guitar and I’m a really big music guy, so one of my top choices was Vanderbilt but I didn’t get in regular decision and I was too indecisive to go anywhere Early Decision. Out of the schools I ended up getting into, Lafayette was the one I was most likely to attend until I got in off the waitlist at Washington and Lee. I knew it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up and I submitted my deposit soon after.

I had an alright fall semester here, and I even managed to make Dean’s List. I enjoyed most of my professors. However, I just didn’t feel like i was enjoying as much as all my other friends were enjoying their schools. I made friends with people on my hall but we don’t really hang out that much outside of the hall. I made a few other friends too but no one really close - I know it’s too soon to say that but all my other high school friends seem to have made great friends already. I joined the Jazz Ensemble and that has been fun, and I made connections with another cool music professor.

I just never really realized what I wanted in a school until after I got here. For example, it would have been awesome to have D1 athletics to cheer on, but no one really seems to care about the D3 teams here even though they did great this year. School spirit would be awesome. Also, it’s in the middle of nowhere. There are some fine restaurants in town, but besides that it is just so isolated and to take a 45 minute flight home I need to take a cab to the airport that is sometimes over and hour away. I don’t mind partying and I partake but it seems that’s all there really is to do after a while. The size is also something - with just under 2,000 undergrads, I feel like the amount of people involved in certain things as well as the amount of options is a bit underwhelming

The Greek scene is the main thing that is depressing me now. I think I would’ve joined a fraternity at any school I went to even though I’m not the stereotypical “frat boy” - it just appeals to me. At first I liked the idea that 80% of the student body is Greek - it really is inclusive! I started hanging out at a few fraternities throughout the fall, in particular one that really rushed me well and they all said they liked me and I liked them. I was probably drawn to them at first because of their anti-hazing policy, but I really grew to like them over time and honestly didn’t care about hazing as time went on. I ended up pledging this frat. However, I still can’t tell whether I enjoy it or not. Their stereotype is the “nerdy fraternity”, which I didn’t care about all fall. However, some of the guys are definitely kinda nerdy and weird, including some guys in my small pledge class that is just over 10 people. I feel like I have pigeonholed myself into a stereotype based on my fraternity. I feel like it’s a lot of guys who would’ve never gone Greek at any other school but this fraternity is “different”. There’s a few international kids in my Pledge Class and I’m worried they’re just going to try and bring in a bunch of internationals in the future years who I’ll never be able to bond with. I am not saying I am “above” or better than any of the brothers or the pledge class, I just don’t know if I’d fit there and I regret not rushing another fraternity harder that would have made me feel less uncomfortable. My Dad was in a “cool” fraternity in college and my Mom wasn’t in a bad sorority either. I just feel like I have established myself as someone who can’t be looked at in any other way besides the guy who is in “that” fraternity.

Right now, I just don’t know. I might want to transfer, and if I did I would probably try for Vanderbilt again, or maybe a place like Northwestern. Wake Forest is also a possibility although it’s also kinda in the middle of nowhere too I have heard. I like W&L’s great academics, small (although sometimes too small) class sizes, social/party scene, great alumni network and things like that. It is such a great school and reputation-wise I feel like I am passing up a great opportunity but I just don’t know if I will thrive here or not. I am such an indecisive person and I’m always second-guessing myself that a fear I have is transferring and then being unhappy at that place as well. Should I just stick it out at this fine institution?

2

My parents are 100% alright with my transferring if I really feel like I want to but aren’t saying that I shouldn’t keep sticking it out a bit longer too.

3

Have you sought out any counseling? It might be helpful to sort through these emotions. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s at the root of malaise. I’m neutral on staying or transferring; I would just want to make sure that my son was getting at the real problem.

4

Your friends at other colleges may very well be exaggerating how much fun they are having. Also, you may be someone who is slower to form close friendships – who is to say that you would have more close friends by now at a different school? I will be super honest – to me the concerns you have seem very superficial. Not in a “cool enough” fraternity, and no D1 sports (which I like, too, so I am not opposed to them – just don’t see them as a reason to pick a college). You seem to like the academics, have some friends but not super close ones yet, and you have a nice EC going. If you were my kid, I would suggest that you stay. Try to find another EC you like, or consider getting a part time job to meet people. Or see if you can find some kind of volunteer opportunity that is rewarding.

You might consider whether you want to study abroad for part or all of junior year, too. It would be a great growth experience for you.

5

Yes I see a counselor at the counseling center every week

6

At the heart of this, it sounds like you understand yourself and what you like (and are pursuing these activities) but worry about what other people think. This is pretty normal – we’re social animals and there’s a lot of pressure to conform – but maybe you can talk to your counselor about this? Why does what other people think matter so much to you? Do you not like who you are? (I think you sound pretty together and interesting, btw.) I’d also suggest that if you’re serious about transferring that it be because you want to be somewhere else, not simply because you want to leave where you are. @Woppifier0101, good luck!

7

Thanks @gardenstategal - Vanderbilt is appealing to me because I am a huge music guy and it is the music capital of the country - not to mention it has D1 sports and is a bit bigger. However, it is farther from home (14+ hour drive versus 7+ hr drive), although I tend to fly home without a car right now anyway so what would be the major difference there? I will continue to work through it. Thanks for the advice.

8

Vandy is a great school for plenty of students, but I didn’t like the vibe for my son (too preppy, too rich-y rich-ish, very Greek oriented it seemed like). Nashville is wonderful though. Have you considered Belmont?

ETA: I’m guessing sports are not a big deal at Belmont - guess that wouldn’t meet your criteria. Sorry.

9

Transferring might be a good idea…lots of kids do it and lots of them are happy afterwards.

I’d find an on-campus therapist to talk with 2 or 3 times…just to make sure your own mind is straight on this.

10

Explore and pursue good transfer options while at the same time keeping your mind open that you may feel better about your current school by the end of the second semester. If you get a transfer offer you don’t have to accept it if you decide where you are is good for you after all. You want to make sure that you didn’t build up in your mind some kind of idealized image of the “college experience,” otherwise no matter where you end up, whether you stay or move on somewhere else, your own experience as you perceive it may fall short. This really is a mind over matter situation–how you think about where you are or where you are going makes a big difference. This is true for life–not just college.

11

What is your instate public option? A lot of people love the rah rah spirit of state flagships.

You should make the best of the spring smemester at W&L, but it might not be a good fit. I would caution you about idolizing Vanderbilt. You were not admitted, so it might be best to move on to other opportunities.

12

There’s no way I’d go to my state school. Nothing against it, I follow its sports, it’s jut nowhere near the academic level of Washington and Lee and I know this is a way better place.

I see what you mean about Vanderbilt, but I’m not one of those people who’s going to shun a school because it didn’t let me in once - I’d be willing to give it another shot. It was a tough year. Last year Michigan accepted me only if I wanted to be a sophomore transfer but that place is WAY too big and I’d have to let them know by Feb. 1, too.

13

Apply to Northwestern and see if you can get in (and afford it as a transfer student). Might as well try.

14

If money and time aren’t issues, then why not send out some applications and see what happens? If anything, you’d simply be keeping your options open. Worse case scenario: you don’t get in to Vandy or Northwestern, and you stay at W&L, which, as you have said, is a very fine school. In the meantime, I would try to take advantage of every opportunity you can this next semester!

15

Yea, I’m thinking of doing that. Thanks for the advice!

16

Keep your studies and grades up even if you don’t love where you are–this will help keep your options open while you continue to try to decide. Good luck!

17

Lots of good advice. @gardenstategal nailed it when she said dont transfer just because you don’t like where you are. There have to be good reasons why you think you should be somewhere else. I’d say submit 2 or 3 transfer apps and see what happens. Visit the campuses over a break if you haven’t.

You might also try mapping out the next 3 years at W&L. What classes would you take? Are the offerings robust enough for your major? When and where would you study abroad? Where would you like to end up post graduation and how does recruiting at W&L either help or hinder that? This is the kind of vetting I wish we’d done more of with our kids.

Good luck and keep us posted.

18

Thanks so much for your advice!

19

I am glad you are seeing a counselor…the first thing I would have suggested is to get evaluated for depression.

20

Yes I see one once a week…it’s helped I think but I just still need to think through some things. I just feel like the nature of my college is to judge and label people based off of certain things, the fraternity you’re in definitely being one of them. I am worried people won’t even want to interact with me because I’m in a certain “bottom” fraternity. It’s not only that, there are just some guys I don’t really like in my pledge class and the rest of the fraternity and I just have a feeling that my overall college experience won’t be as good as any of my friends or my parents’.